It makes perfect sense that you would feel insecure if your partner is looking at photos of other women, especially those in a bikini. It sounds like your boyfriend insists he isn't doing this and accredited to the fact it was “from before you got together”, but it is understandable why this made you uneasy nonetheless.
The best way to proceed is for both of you to have an honest discussion about what boundaries feel comfortable for each other within a relationship. This could include restrictions on viewing photos, browsing social media, or any other behavior which either of you feels hesitant about – trust needs to be mutually established when it comes to respecting one another's relationships. If the conversation does not go well and/or your suspicions arise again, consider seeking assistance from an outside party such as a counselor or mutual friend who can mediate between the two of you without bias or judgement.
What he is doing isn't about 'care' or whatever. He was just jealous and being controlling and abusive. Holding you in place, getting in your face and screaming [assault], spitting at your car, hitting walls… and let's be real that I am sure you've noticed all of this is escalating as well. That this is new and instead of reflecting he defaulted to victim blaming, false equivalence, 'you made me do it' and etc.
At best this dynamic brings out the worst in both of you. I am sure you don't like who he makes you and he should definitely not be okay with what he is becoming. And the fact that he is apparently more than happy to lean into abuser rhetoric to rationalise and downplay all this? Well, this is how physically abusive dynamics happen. He punches and spits around you, screams in your face, how long before he combines the two especially as clearly he has demonstrated he will get physical by restraining you.
I suspect you are caught in a loop. A trauma bond loop where anytime he senses you are about to leave he says what you want to hear, pays lip service to growth and you feel so validated by it you drop your guard. But he has made clear that at this trajectory things will get significantly worse. You already should have left, but if that wasn't enough this should be.
I don’t know about getting over the fear reflex from your assault (which makes all the sense in the world to me). I just wanted to say that you and he can have a completely fulfilling sex life without blowjobs. If you aren’t comfortable giving them, I don’t think the onus is on you to “get over it.” You heal from your trauma on your own time and in a way that is helpful to your wellness.
Why are you being pressed to perform oral sex? There are so many ways to be intimate that are pleasurable and don’t include it. It’s possible to be partner focused and only do things you’re comfortable with. Everything isn’t always 1:1 reciprocal.
Yeah that is fair. I’ve tried to be mindful of that in all this, but it’s challenging. Appreciate the reminder to really focus on my partner’s feelings. There is more to the story and you will just have to take my word for it that I/we went into the weekend making every effort to have a great experience and they literally barely looked at me for three days and then when she brought it up after and asked why, they went on the attack and it got really mean spirited while both my partner and I were just trying to understand what went wrong and if we had done something wrong we apologized for it. They wouldn’t even read our apologies and basically said f u – and the reasons they held against me were that I seemed shy (I wasn’t, every other relative said they had a great time getting to know me) and that I chose to get my own Airbnb, again shy, recovering alcoholic, and she explained before we went why we would be doing that and they said they had addicts in their family and totally understood, and then basically acted like that conversation never happened and told her I was toxic and didn’t care about her family and they were worried about her. It’s all just really sad and unfortunate. I just don’t want her to keep letting them tear her down. Right now she’s gone no contact for her own reasons by her own choice, as she should. I guess I’m just worried what happens when she eventually lets this go and I’m still really hurt and worried they will try to break us apart.
It is pretty disrespectful that everyone involved in this thing knew this asshole expressed his intentions to fuck your girl. Even she knew. Big red flag she didnt mention until pushed.
It makes perfect sense that you would feel insecure if your partner is looking at photos of other women, especially those in a bikini. It sounds like your boyfriend insists he isn't doing this and accredited to the fact it was “from before you got together”, but it is understandable why this made you uneasy nonetheless.
The best way to proceed is for both of you to have an honest discussion about what boundaries feel comfortable for each other within a relationship. This could include restrictions on viewing photos, browsing social media, or any other behavior which either of you feels hesitant about – trust needs to be mutually established when it comes to respecting one another's relationships. If the conversation does not go well and/or your suspicions arise again, consider seeking assistance from an outside party such as a counselor or mutual friend who can mediate between the two of you without bias or judgement.
She’s not coming back.
Why are you so desperate? Why can’t you accept being single?
Get a weekly pill pack, put one in for every night.
Your husband raped your sister.
Ahh how naive. My friend there is a difference between massage, and massage.
Research the place thoroughly lol
What does that have to do with the questions. You actually don’t know the problem only the result.
Sounds like an opportunity to learn, not run.
Your gf sounds exhausting. Nope the fuck out of there.
What he is doing isn't about 'care' or whatever. He was just jealous and being controlling and abusive. Holding you in place, getting in your face and screaming [assault], spitting at your car, hitting walls… and let's be real that I am sure you've noticed all of this is escalating as well. That this is new and instead of reflecting he defaulted to victim blaming, false equivalence, 'you made me do it' and etc.
At best this dynamic brings out the worst in both of you. I am sure you don't like who he makes you and he should definitely not be okay with what he is becoming. And the fact that he is apparently more than happy to lean into abuser rhetoric to rationalise and downplay all this? Well, this is how physically abusive dynamics happen. He punches and spits around you, screams in your face, how long before he combines the two especially as clearly he has demonstrated he will get physical by restraining you.
I suspect you are caught in a loop. A trauma bond loop where anytime he senses you are about to leave he says what you want to hear, pays lip service to growth and you feel so validated by it you drop your guard. But he has made clear that at this trajectory things will get significantly worse. You already should have left, but if that wasn't enough this should be.
I don’t know about getting over the fear reflex from your assault (which makes all the sense in the world to me). I just wanted to say that you and he can have a completely fulfilling sex life without blowjobs. If you aren’t comfortable giving them, I don’t think the onus is on you to “get over it.” You heal from your trauma on your own time and in a way that is helpful to your wellness.
Why are you being pressed to perform oral sex? There are so many ways to be intimate that are pleasurable and don’t include it. It’s possible to be partner focused and only do things you’re comfortable with. Everything isn’t always 1:1 reciprocal.
Yeah that is fair. I’ve tried to be mindful of that in all this, but it’s challenging. Appreciate the reminder to really focus on my partner’s feelings. There is more to the story and you will just have to take my word for it that I/we went into the weekend making every effort to have a great experience and they literally barely looked at me for three days and then when she brought it up after and asked why, they went on the attack and it got really mean spirited while both my partner and I were just trying to understand what went wrong and if we had done something wrong we apologized for it. They wouldn’t even read our apologies and basically said f u – and the reasons they held against me were that I seemed shy (I wasn’t, every other relative said they had a great time getting to know me) and that I chose to get my own Airbnb, again shy, recovering alcoholic, and she explained before we went why we would be doing that and they said they had addicts in their family and totally understood, and then basically acted like that conversation never happened and told her I was toxic and didn’t care about her family and they were worried about her. It’s all just really sad and unfortunate. I just don’t want her to keep letting them tear her down. Right now she’s gone no contact for her own reasons by her own choice, as she should. I guess I’m just worried what happens when she eventually lets this go and I’m still really hurt and worried they will try to break us apart.
Yes, some people say they were able to work through it but it has permanently altered your relationship and not for the better.
Yea that’s pretty messed up! Why even agree to go exclusive? That was careless of him and it’s reasonable for you to have lost a lot of trust.
I hope your STD can easily be cured but sorry you’re dealing with that trauma.
It is pretty disrespectful that everyone involved in this thing knew this asshole expressed his intentions to fuck your girl. Even she knew. Big red flag she didnt mention until pushed.