So I struggle with this. It definitely stems from childhood. He probably cannot handle any criticism or feelings of disappointment and discomfort. So to him he wants to feel loved consistently because he probably didn’t feel it a lot as a child as he probably had an inconsistent childhood. if I’m right, this is his way of how he gauges a Relationship. If he doesn’t feel the other person is loving, he probably becomes anxious and fears that they’ll either abandon him or he’s done something to truly upset them even if he hasn’t. It is unrealistic and unconditional love doesn’t always mean staying by their side. Unconditional love doesn’t mean correcting them if they are wrong. It means nurturing and being affectionate. It also means that there are boundaries. He will have to learn about that and you guys will have to discuss what he means about Unconditional love.
He had only been away for a month during which time she took a pregnancy test which was positive? If so, it is certainly possible that they had sex and she got pregnant just before he left.
Stop wondering and have a conversation. Tell him how you feel and ask his plans point blank. Then decide if you're comfortable with him making changes in YOUR life without consulting you.
Leave her alone. At this point you're a creepy stalker. Sending her paragraph long messages? Thinking about going to her home uninvited??? Holy shit, no. If you do go, I hope she calls the police and gets you arrested.
You sound unwell. You never even met in person. She was never your girlfriend or your lover. I hope she blocks you if she hasn't done that by now.
It depends how used to it she is and how bad it is. When I moved from a city where women aren't usually harassed a lot to a bad part of a French city where harassment, including insults, and even occasional groping and spitting in my face, were a routine part of everday life, I cried at night too.
My French friends used to mock me for overreacting until I persuaded them to walk behind me and witness how bad it was. They thought I was complaining about staring and the occasional wolf whistle and were shocked when they saw how bad it was.
I started wearing baggy clothes, which helped a bit, but I have very fair skin and bright blue eyes, and just attracted a lot of unwanted attention until I got older.
I sincerely didn’t want to be the one to say this but how many times have we seen the poor kid suffer. Sigh. Ladies we gotta be much harder in ourselves and stop accepting rubbish.
What exactly are you looking for when you ask him to post stuff? Feeling like you're being shown off or feeling cared about? I'm asking because I also feel uncomfortable posting pictures going off about my girlfriend, but I show her I care in other ways. Maybe you can find a compromise. I usually write my girlfriend cards for special occasions or get her little gifts when I see something she might like. Your way of showing affection is posting him all over the internet, see what works better for him to show you he cares. Talk it out, don't allow resentment to corrode your relationship.
You are seriously de-fucking-ranged. Your assessment of reality is completely off. So is your assessment of what's appropriate or acceptable behavior. You're already in legal trouble for your temper, and that didn't make you pause in the slightest. You came here for advice and instead you're doubling down. Mr. “I hate lawyers, and we should all slug each other if we're upset” and blaming everyone else for your own hideous actions. You're a fucking nightmare.
You're not quite understanding the mindset here. He probably does understand that she was too young to be morally responsible for the relationship. What he thinks is that she was damaged by the relationship, and shouldn't have gone through with the marriage without disclosing the damage. You have to think of it as if she were selling him a used car without disclosing that it had been in a major collision.
Oh love. Asking for more date nights should result in effective communication on how to solve an issue, not blocking someone. He doesn’t respect you or your emotions and he clearly doesn’t see that his actions are making the problem worse! Cut your losses and find someone that treats you right!
The nudist beach thing is okay imo as everyone consents to it but I think what you should focus on is the fact that she’s exposing herself to people who do not consent and are uncomfortable with the fact. How is that different to a flasher on the street? As for your own feelings about it, imo in situations where all parties consent it’s up to you to decide if you’re okay with it or not. You don’t have to be and it’s fine to leave if that’s what you wish, but I wouldn’t impose a decision on her. She’s shown you what she’s into and it’s up to you to decide if you want to deal with it
Your equation is missing one key factor: girls got free will. You decided you wanted her, maybe she's still hurting from the breakup or maybe something else is going on. You can't change her mind. Stop pushing before you ruin the cordial relationship you currently have
Have you hopped over to r/qanoncasualties yet? You might want to check it out. Sounds as if your bf might be taking a one-way trip down the rabbit hole.
3 year olds will lie too. You don’t tell them they are right for lying and it’s the other persons fault for asking if they ate the chocolate.
Society accepting that boys will lie, or try to touch you or cheat on you is what perpetuates the behaviour. Your immediate reaction was to tell her it’s her fault that he is lying. Make entitlement and training girls to feel like mens decisions are their fault is a parenting fail and outright disgusting.
Older people are hear to teach. To guide. Not to condemn boys to a lifetime of entitlement and girls to a lifetime of servitude. Boys can control what they too. Men can too. Set standards a bit higher for yourself, your friends and your kids. Boys are not rabid animals that are no better than a dog. But if society tells them that’s what they are – and it’s good to be that and girls just have to realise it and put up with it is dehumanising of both genders
She felt financially insecure after having the child.
Of course she does….this is why couples discuss finances in depth BEFORE getting married and having kids. Even if you have separate finances, if you live together, get legally entangled, and have a kid, your finances will still affect each other.
And again, how have you handled bills etc. so far? Was it always just 50/50? Do you earn both the same amount?
If you don’t want to marry her just break up. Stringing her along like this is just not right. Let her go and be happy with someone who is willing to marry her.
This is such a great comment! And it's why I hate the whole “proposal culture” thing. As a woman, I don't actually want to be proposed to… I just want it to be a mutual discussion that we want to get married.
It sounds like they've had this discussion (maybe?), so now her entire future is just… up in the air until he decides to propose. And I'm sure she's thinking, okay, if he doesn't propose, when do I get out? When is it obvious that he's just keeping me around without actually making that commitment?
If he wants to propose/if she wants a proposal, there's nothing wrong with putting a timeline on that. So what if it's not a “surprise?” Surprises are overrated. Feeling secure with your partner is so much more important.
Oh man. I’ve sort of been where you are, but there are some frightening red flags here.
My husband had a child when he was 18. A few years later, she died (that’s what he was told, anyway). Being a young, dumb kid, he believed everything he was told and never did any research on it because his child support payments stopped (and why would he?—who would lie about something like that?).
He still grieved her when we met. We had a child together because he really regretted not getting to raise his daughter and was an awesome stepdad to my kids.
Then late last year, we pass his daughter’s mother in the grocery store. He was upset because he’d been told that his daughter OD’d on pills in her home (she was a drug addict). We went home with him shaking and crying.
Two days later, he gets a message on Facebook from a grown woman with his daughter’s name saying that she’d just found out she was adopted a few months ago, and her bio mom had just seen him and told her his name (when she found out she’d been adopted by her grandparents, she was told that her father was dead). After a meeting and a DNA test, it turns out his daughter was alive all this time.
What did we do? We welcomed her into our family, and her fiancé as well. She calls me mom, because I’m the closest thing to it she’s had (she wasn’t treated very well growing up).
But here’s where this story is very different from yours: everything adds up. My husband didn’t lie to me; they’re just terrible people, and he was a young dumb kid when this happened.
Your husband was much older than this woman. She was a young dumb kid who wanted to escape him so badly that she didn’t tell him she was pregnant. I wouldn’t be disturbed by the fact that he had a kid he didn’t know about but, instead, by the circumstances surrounding it.
Take some time to process this. I have the feeling you’re going to need it.
He highly values financial security. You feel insecure that he may break up/divorce you down the line if you can’t maintain your finances. You also seem displeased that he would accept you moving in under the assumption you’re essentially a house maid/nanny.
You’re seeking husband/wife support in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and he may not be the person to deliver this. 3 years in he’s probably not gonna become that guy.
Here is your advice: First: stop being an insecure tool. Second: Go find a woman that finds you palatable enough to sleep with. Do that again 14 times. Third: There is no God, everything rows randomly for a reason, stop thinking you are too special to share your special with someone who matches your ideal of special. there are 4 billion people on the planet, most are better than you, but you seem to be obsessed over 15 of them. Get over yourself, we are all losers to someone.
Keep yourself busy – do some cleaning, engage in a hobby, hang out with family or friends. You need to trust her. A relationship without trust is dead in the water.
As someone who was married to my ex for 10yrs, I understand that change can be hard. You two have built your life around each other and you thought that things were fine until they weren't. You have a chance of rebuilding though. This time you can make things how YOU want them to be though. There would be no compromising, no pleading, and no cheating.
It is definitely going to hurt, but can you truly see yourself staying with someone who lies to your face, has broken your trust, and is possibly putting your health at risk while she sleeps around? Now is the time to sit down and think about this sort of thing. If you confront her then there's a slight chance that she'll be remorseful and stop so you two can repair your relationship, but sadly cheaters often fall back onto old habits and will continue cheating.
Right now it's best for you to focus on yourself. Plan for the future ahead of you whether she's in it or not. If anything, have an exit strategy in place in case things do go south. Be careful though. When my ex left me for another woman he tried his hardest to break me by blaming all of our issues and his cheating on me. More than likely the issue lies within the cheater though so don't let it get you down. I wish you the best of luck. I'm here to chat if you need someone who has been through something similar.
Ultimately the ball is in your court. You don't have to propose until you're ready. NEVER under any circumstances, marry someone out of pressure, this has to be something that comes from you. There's no definitive time line for when marriage is “supposed” to happen, so don't let anyone tell you “6 years is long enough” or any other bullshit like that.
I was thinking of getting married in our mid-30s and I voiced that out, she said it's too far away and her fertility might fail
Likewise, this is a totally valid and reasonable worry for a woman. If starting a family is in her interest, then she's probably wanting to have kids when she's not pushing 40. So it's all well and good to say you don't want a family until you're in your mid 30's, we as men are under a lot less pressure biologically in this domain.
Don't set a deadline for this sort of thing that's so set in stone would be my advice. Having a general idea is fine, but there are 3 main things you should consider before deciding whether or not you're ready to raise kids (in my opinion of course):
1) Are you financially stable enough for it? 2) Do you realistically have the time for it? 3) Are you mature enough for it?
No, many woman understand that 2 months is hardly even a relationship. If your relationship has been shorter than some company return policies, you need to chill out and just enjoy it for a minute.
They already discussed that they both want marriage and kids in their lives, so they have values in common, that’s all that is needed for now. 6 months I think is a more stable time to start comparing timelines and collective goals. Make sure you truly like the person in the present before getting so wrapped up in the future.
He doesn't want anything that ties him down – so no wife, no kids, no pets. That's who he is.
I wouldn't want to be with someone who is not prepared to marry, have family or love pets, but there you go, you were obviously ok with it.
You have 2 choices. Accept you will not change his mind. Honestly, you are not really important in his life – because he has chosen to have no ties. So either you accept him and remain – unmarried, childless and no pets. Or you leave him, and find a life that makes you happy.
Your choice. I would personally look for a new boyfriend, on who loves dogs, but that's just me.
It sounds like you already know what you need to do. His previous commitment issues don't really seem relevant to the issue at hand. You know your relationship isn't emotionally fulfilling, and the only reason you want to stay is because you've been together for 6 years. That isn't a good enough reason for a relationship – look up the sunk cost fallacy if you've never heard of it.
Honestly, it just sounds like you two have grown apart over the last 6 years. It isn't about the previous infidelity, it's just something that happens sometimes. You need to think about where you hope to be in life in another 6 years and decide if he actually fits into that plan. If he doesn't, then it's in both of your best interests to go your separate ways so you can go find what does make each of you happy
The “math” was my opinion, and also I’m not trying to criticize her. I am completely on her side here, she deserves better. I may not be a victim of abuse from partners, but I am one from parental abuse (I’m saying this cause I am going through a tough time myself, and the stuff I went through as a child affects my life now. I pointed that out because ignoring yourself isn’t good for you. Not at all.) What I said wasn’t trying to make her out as the bad guy, I’m trying to say that next time there are things she needs to be careful about since someone could use her actions against her. Again, I never said she’s an asshole, I gave suggestions on some things she can work on.
Also, did you even read my comment? I am trying to be supportive during these times, but I don’t appreciate you calling me a “fucking dumbass” (seriously, I take great offence when I get called names) because I have been nothing but respectful. Besides, what will calling people names do to solve this situation? What about assuming I don’t know anything about abuse? How do you know that I haven’t been through something like this? Do you really think calling me dumb will make me rethink what I said? There are so many things that everyone regrets doing, and I’m not here to shame anyone for that. I’m here to give suggestions on what to do in the present (by analyzing the past), and if my opinion is unwanted, just say that. Lastly, please don’t talk to people like that, even if they don’t agree with you, because the world needs more love and support, not hateful comments.
His phone wasn’t hacked. He willingly sent them (not sure if that was made clear or not)
He cheated on you (or if you’re okay with sexting, he was in the process of cheating on you). I’d cut things off right away and let him deal with it however he’d like.
The scammer is going to do what they want whether he pays or not. If he pays, the scammer is going to keep asking for more so it doesn’t make sense to pay. If he doesn’t pay, they likely won’t share them because there’s nothing to gain. And again, if he pays, they’re going to ask for more later on and eventually he’s going to run out of money and it’ll revert back to my point about not paying.
This is why I never send dirty pictures unless I know the person well (or at least have met them). Id bet that 99% of these scams aren’t even real people – just scammers overseas.
You're just going to have to give it time. There's no magic solution for breaking a trust like that. It sounds like you genuinely apologized. You understand the hurt you caused him. You are genuinely sorry. That counts. That's important. Now you have to move on. Don't dwell on it. And just give him all the time and space he needs to heal.
You also might want to talk with your friend about what secrets are. There is absolutely no excuse for saying something like that. She messed up bad. To my mind, she owes you an apology and needs to get her stuff together. There's no universe where she needs to be talking to.a man about his small dick at dinner.
So that's it. Once you have truly expressed remorse, you have to just let it go and move on and see where you stand in a few months.
If you don’t want it to keep happening, you do have the power to wish him all the best but still choose to not be friends or play with him. I agree with the original comment that he sounds 12, this is middle school drama he’s trying to drag you into.
I didn't know what I did to upset him the last time he was mad either
That’s because he’s deeply insecure and took something, anything, as a slight in some way and silently worked himself into a frenzy over it. He isn’t going to to stop either, so I’d take that into consideration the next time you’re left with a choice to engage with him or not.
You should tell your sister to stop f’ing badmouthing your girlfriend. The video is shit and you have proof that it wasn’t her. Also, get the name of the “friend” and confront her about this slander.
You might be more comfortable with uncertainty. I would want a definitive end date for this and a reason for the trip, along with a rough itinerary. Just them going on an open-ended vacation while I have no idea what they’re doing or why, I’d rather save the time and just get a divorce now if that’s within the realm of acceptable behavior to them. Because I would be out the door the day of if it ever happened again.
Yes I do, I have my own house, an amazing family & really good friends, they’ve all been so supportive of me. Even some of the babies dads friends have been really supportive, I feel lucky to have them. I’ve also told them about the situation so that they’re aware, I don’t want to keep talking about it though incase I’m bothering them. Im looking into therapists in my area because I think that would be so useful
I didn’t block anyone I just removed her from my friends list lol. But you and my husband both said pretty much the same thing about her not being able to handle someone else being the center of attention. I’ve been more than levelheaded about all of this. Ive spent a lot time and money. Not to mention we swallowed the cost for her rehearsal dinner, reception meal and hair/makeup restoration.
I searched on Reddit for some experiences of parents with only one kid as well as of only kids, and came away with a whole spectrum of experiences, from resentful and lonely only children who wished they had a sibling, to happy only children who were glad not to have to share their parents' time and resources, to sibling children who were resentful of their siblings and parents. Just goes to show that there's all sorts.
I don’t think either of you is in the wrong, but rather that you simply want different lives and are overall incompatible in a big enough way that it won’t work out for you long term. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to go out and enjoy partying while you’re still young, but having a partner who isn’t on the same life level is so difficult for the partner. As heartbreaking as it is to breakup sometimes people just aren’t compatible for what the other wants in life, no amount of therapy or compromise is going to change that.
I guess that would be subjective, but you were saying you would throw your computer out the window for a supermodel. Would you still pitch it for a cute girl next door type?
Did she though? Op says that she told him when the dude asked for nudes and she said she's not feeling like doing it for him (at that particular time, but she later changed her mind). And that she only wants to be intimate with op (that op claims was a lie, but we don't know how she actually felt like). Sending nudes and being physically intimate with someone are different things.
Op rushed her into this relationship and is upset she wasn't ready to be exclusive when he was.
She sent those when her and OP were “in a talking stage”, they weren't in a relationship and they weren't exclusive. She didn't have to disclose him that in the first place.
Honey, can you take a break from him? Do you have a loved one you can stay with?
This abuse may not be as bad as what you have suffered, but you are being abused.
He's made you move 2200miles away to avoid taking accountability for his role in this.
She's not to communicate with you, but he's still talking to her. He will introduce her to your baby. He will push you to welcome her back into your life. He will punish you for taking the baby away from her. He will be everything he was, but worse.
The only way this gets better is if he goes to therapy. You know that.
Stop giving him chances to hurt you. Stop giving him opportunities to trigger your PTSD. He is not safe for you to be around.
Get help honey, get out. Get yourself some breathing room.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You never deserved to be treated this way.
Maybe just tell your husband joking like that makes you uncomfortable. I think you are overreacting.
So I struggle with this. It definitely stems from childhood. He probably cannot handle any criticism or feelings of disappointment and discomfort. So to him he wants to feel loved consistently because he probably didn’t feel it a lot as a child as he probably had an inconsistent childhood. if I’m right, this is his way of how he gauges a Relationship. If he doesn’t feel the other person is loving, he probably becomes anxious and fears that they’ll either abandon him or he’s done something to truly upset them even if he hasn’t. It is unrealistic and unconditional love doesn’t always mean staying by their side. Unconditional love doesn’t mean correcting them if they are wrong. It means nurturing and being affectionate. It also means that there are boundaries. He will have to learn about that and you guys will have to discuss what he means about Unconditional love.
He had only been away for a month during which time she took a pregnancy test which was positive? If so, it is certainly possible that they had sex and she got pregnant just before he left.
Stop wondering and have a conversation. Tell him how you feel and ask his plans point blank. Then decide if you're comfortable with him making changes in YOUR life without consulting you.
What was your agreement before you got married? Kids? No kids? You are leaving out the most important part.
Ah yes the “just trust me bro” defense. Classic.
You should tell your therapist because you knew ahead of time and did it anyway.
Leave her alone. At this point you're a creepy stalker. Sending her paragraph long messages? Thinking about going to her home uninvited??? Holy shit, no. If you do go, I hope she calls the police and gets you arrested.
You sound unwell. You never even met in person. She was never your girlfriend or your lover. I hope she blocks you if she hasn't done that by now.
Stay away from this poor girl.
It depends how used to it she is and how bad it is. When I moved from a city where women aren't usually harassed a lot to a bad part of a French city where harassment, including insults, and even occasional groping and spitting in my face, were a routine part of everday life, I cried at night too.
My French friends used to mock me for overreacting until I persuaded them to walk behind me and witness how bad it was. They thought I was complaining about staring and the occasional wolf whistle and were shocked when they saw how bad it was.
I started wearing baggy clothes, which helped a bit, but I have very fair skin and bright blue eyes, and just attracted a lot of unwanted attention until I got older.
I sincerely didn’t want to be the one to say this but how many times have we seen the poor kid suffer. Sigh. Ladies we gotta be much harder in ourselves and stop accepting rubbish.
I’m almost positive that if I broke up with her today, she would have had sex by January
It’s his fault for making promises he didn’t keep, it’s only your fault if you stick around and pretend it’s ok.
What exactly are you looking for when you ask him to post stuff? Feeling like you're being shown off or feeling cared about? I'm asking because I also feel uncomfortable posting pictures going off about my girlfriend, but I show her I care in other ways. Maybe you can find a compromise. I usually write my girlfriend cards for special occasions or get her little gifts when I see something she might like. Your way of showing affection is posting him all over the internet, see what works better for him to show you he cares. Talk it out, don't allow resentment to corrode your relationship.
Does she do this when she goes to your house?
Literally, it’s a what the fuck situation
You are seriously de-fucking-ranged. Your assessment of reality is completely off. So is your assessment of what's appropriate or acceptable behavior. You're already in legal trouble for your temper, and that didn't make you pause in the slightest. You came here for advice and instead you're doubling down. Mr. “I hate lawyers, and we should all slug each other if we're upset” and blaming everyone else for your own hideous actions. You're a fucking nightmare.
Oh it’s easy, I just don’t date people who are terrible and don’t respect me.
You're not quite understanding the mindset here. He probably does understand that she was too young to be morally responsible for the relationship. What he thinks is that she was damaged by the relationship, and shouldn't have gone through with the marriage without disclosing the damage. You have to think of it as if she were selling him a used car without disclosing that it had been in a major collision.
Oh love. Asking for more date nights should result in effective communication on how to solve an issue, not blocking someone. He doesn’t respect you or your emotions and he clearly doesn’t see that his actions are making the problem worse! Cut your losses and find someone that treats you right!
The nudist beach thing is okay imo as everyone consents to it but I think what you should focus on is the fact that she’s exposing herself to people who do not consent and are uncomfortable with the fact. How is that different to a flasher on the street? As for your own feelings about it, imo in situations where all parties consent it’s up to you to decide if you’re okay with it or not. You don’t have to be and it’s fine to leave if that’s what you wish, but I wouldn’t impose a decision on her. She’s shown you what she’s into and it’s up to you to decide if you want to deal with it
Do i have to reply to this post for the rest of my life?
Your equation is missing one key factor: girls got free will. You decided you wanted her, maybe she's still hurting from the breakup or maybe something else is going on. You can't change her mind. Stop pushing before you ruin the cordial relationship you currently have
Have you hopped over to r/qanoncasualties yet? You might want to check it out. Sounds as if your bf might be taking a one-way trip down the rabbit hole.
So you’re the kind of man who blames the person who got cheated on.
A grownup non-scumbag talks to their partner about their needs and getting them met. They don’t lie and cheat.
3 year olds will lie too. You don’t tell them they are right for lying and it’s the other persons fault for asking if they ate the chocolate.
Society accepting that boys will lie, or try to touch you or cheat on you is what perpetuates the behaviour. Your immediate reaction was to tell her it’s her fault that he is lying. Make entitlement and training girls to feel like mens decisions are their fault is a parenting fail and outright disgusting.
Older people are hear to teach. To guide. Not to condemn boys to a lifetime of entitlement and girls to a lifetime of servitude. Boys can control what they too. Men can too. Set standards a bit higher for yourself, your friends and your kids. Boys are not rabid animals that are no better than a dog. But if society tells them that’s what they are – and it’s good to be that and girls just have to realise it and put up with it is dehumanising of both genders
?
He can move out. You don’t have to. Or he can sleep in the spare bedroom or on the couch. You need some time.
She felt financially insecure after having the child.
Of course she does….this is why couples discuss finances in depth BEFORE getting married and having kids. Even if you have separate finances, if you live together, get legally entangled, and have a kid, your finances will still affect each other.
And again, how have you handled bills etc. so far? Was it always just 50/50? Do you earn both the same amount?
Yeah it sounds like a sudden onset of mental illness, because dear lord, nothing about this is normal.
He needs immediate psychiatric intervention.
Hope your wife gets a guys number. It's only fair ?
Bro, it's a neighbor. Chill tf out.
If you don’t want to marry her just break up. Stringing her along like this is just not right. Let her go and be happy with someone who is willing to marry her.
This is such a great comment! And it's why I hate the whole “proposal culture” thing. As a woman, I don't actually want to be proposed to… I just want it to be a mutual discussion that we want to get married.
It sounds like they've had this discussion (maybe?), so now her entire future is just… up in the air until he decides to propose. And I'm sure she's thinking, okay, if he doesn't propose, when do I get out? When is it obvious that he's just keeping me around without actually making that commitment?
If he wants to propose/if she wants a proposal, there's nothing wrong with putting a timeline on that. So what if it's not a “surprise?” Surprises are overrated. Feeling secure with your partner is so much more important.
I do plan on confronting him. I just have to build up the courage.
Oh man. I’ve sort of been where you are, but there are some frightening red flags here.
My husband had a child when he was 18. A few years later, she died (that’s what he was told, anyway). Being a young, dumb kid, he believed everything he was told and never did any research on it because his child support payments stopped (and why would he?—who would lie about something like that?).
He still grieved her when we met. We had a child together because he really regretted not getting to raise his daughter and was an awesome stepdad to my kids.
Then late last year, we pass his daughter’s mother in the grocery store. He was upset because he’d been told that his daughter OD’d on pills in her home (she was a drug addict). We went home with him shaking and crying.
Two days later, he gets a message on Facebook from a grown woman with his daughter’s name saying that she’d just found out she was adopted a few months ago, and her bio mom had just seen him and told her his name (when she found out she’d been adopted by her grandparents, she was told that her father was dead). After a meeting and a DNA test, it turns out his daughter was alive all this time.
What did we do? We welcomed her into our family, and her fiancé as well. She calls me mom, because I’m the closest thing to it she’s had (she wasn’t treated very well growing up).
But here’s where this story is very different from yours: everything adds up. My husband didn’t lie to me; they’re just terrible people, and he was a young dumb kid when this happened.
Your husband was much older than this woman. She was a young dumb kid who wanted to escape him so badly that she didn’t tell him she was pregnant. I wouldn’t be disturbed by the fact that he had a kid he didn’t know about but, instead, by the circumstances surrounding it.
Take some time to process this. I have the feeling you’re going to need it.
He highly values financial security. You feel insecure that he may break up/divorce you down the line if you can’t maintain your finances. You also seem displeased that he would accept you moving in under the assumption you’re essentially a house maid/nanny.
You’re seeking husband/wife support in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and he may not be the person to deliver this. 3 years in he’s probably not gonna become that guy.
Ever been turkey turkey bastered?
I can’t decide whether I should upvote or downvote for reminding me of that story.
If they aren’t things he agrees with it causes arguments and fights.
Dump her. She's obviously cheating on you, bro.
All abuse starts verbal.
You deserve better. Your child deserves better.
Contact an abuse hotline or any of your friends and form an exit plan. No matter how hard, how daunting, you need to leave.
Nope we aren’t going to tell you what to say.
Its very possible you are testing Reddit to get a defence to something you did that hurt your gf.
I literally deserve a better caliber of a woman who doesn’t drink just because I do. Be a fucking woman
Feelings have been developed between my married supervisor and I
So you have a crush, but he's not available. All you can do is focus on your work, and move on.
Here is your advice: First: stop being an insecure tool. Second: Go find a woman that finds you palatable enough to sleep with. Do that again 14 times. Third: There is no God, everything rows randomly for a reason, stop thinking you are too special to share your special with someone who matches your ideal of special. there are 4 billion people on the planet, most are better than you, but you seem to be obsessed over 15 of them. Get over yourself, we are all losers to someone.
Keep yourself busy – do some cleaning, engage in a hobby, hang out with family or friends. You need to trust her. A relationship without trust is dead in the water.
And rude as hell.
As someone who was married to my ex for 10yrs, I understand that change can be hard. You two have built your life around each other and you thought that things were fine until they weren't. You have a chance of rebuilding though. This time you can make things how YOU want them to be though. There would be no compromising, no pleading, and no cheating.
It is definitely going to hurt, but can you truly see yourself staying with someone who lies to your face, has broken your trust, and is possibly putting your health at risk while she sleeps around? Now is the time to sit down and think about this sort of thing. If you confront her then there's a slight chance that she'll be remorseful and stop so you two can repair your relationship, but sadly cheaters often fall back onto old habits and will continue cheating.
Right now it's best for you to focus on yourself. Plan for the future ahead of you whether she's in it or not. If anything, have an exit strategy in place in case things do go south. Be careful though. When my ex left me for another woman he tried his hardest to break me by blaming all of our issues and his cheating on me. More than likely the issue lies within the cheater though so don't let it get you down. I wish you the best of luck. I'm here to chat if you need someone who has been through something similar.
Ultimately the ball is in your court. You don't have to propose until you're ready. NEVER under any circumstances, marry someone out of pressure, this has to be something that comes from you. There's no definitive time line for when marriage is “supposed” to happen, so don't let anyone tell you “6 years is long enough” or any other bullshit like that.
I was thinking of getting married in our mid-30s and I voiced that out, she said it's too far away and her fertility might fail
Likewise, this is a totally valid and reasonable worry for a woman. If starting a family is in her interest, then she's probably wanting to have kids when she's not pushing 40. So it's all well and good to say you don't want a family until you're in your mid 30's, we as men are under a lot less pressure biologically in this domain.
Don't set a deadline for this sort of thing that's so set in stone would be my advice. Having a general idea is fine, but there are 3 main things you should consider before deciding whether or not you're ready to raise kids (in my opinion of course):
1) Are you financially stable enough for it? 2) Do you realistically have the time for it? 3) Are you mature enough for it?
No, many woman understand that 2 months is hardly even a relationship. If your relationship has been shorter than some company return policies, you need to chill out and just enjoy it for a minute.
They already discussed that they both want marriage and kids in their lives, so they have values in common, that’s all that is needed for now. 6 months I think is a more stable time to start comparing timelines and collective goals. Make sure you truly like the person in the present before getting so wrapped up in the future.
He doesn't want anything that ties him down – so no wife, no kids, no pets. That's who he is.
I wouldn't want to be with someone who is not prepared to marry, have family or love pets, but there you go, you were obviously ok with it.
You have 2 choices. Accept you will not change his mind. Honestly, you are not really important in his life – because he has chosen to have no ties. So either you accept him and remain – unmarried, childless and no pets. Or you leave him, and find a life that makes you happy.
Your choice. I would personally look for a new boyfriend, on who loves dogs, but that's just me.
It sounds like you already know what you need to do. His previous commitment issues don't really seem relevant to the issue at hand. You know your relationship isn't emotionally fulfilling, and the only reason you want to stay is because you've been together for 6 years. That isn't a good enough reason for a relationship – look up the sunk cost fallacy if you've never heard of it.
Honestly, it just sounds like you two have grown apart over the last 6 years. It isn't about the previous infidelity, it's just something that happens sometimes. You need to think about where you hope to be in life in another 6 years and decide if he actually fits into that plan. If he doesn't, then it's in both of your best interests to go your separate ways so you can go find what does make each of you happy
The “math” was my opinion, and also I’m not trying to criticize her. I am completely on her side here, she deserves better. I may not be a victim of abuse from partners, but I am one from parental abuse (I’m saying this cause I am going through a tough time myself, and the stuff I went through as a child affects my life now. I pointed that out because ignoring yourself isn’t good for you. Not at all.) What I said wasn’t trying to make her out as the bad guy, I’m trying to say that next time there are things she needs to be careful about since someone could use her actions against her. Again, I never said she’s an asshole, I gave suggestions on some things she can work on.
Also, did you even read my comment? I am trying to be supportive during these times, but I don’t appreciate you calling me a “fucking dumbass” (seriously, I take great offence when I get called names) because I have been nothing but respectful. Besides, what will calling people names do to solve this situation? What about assuming I don’t know anything about abuse? How do you know that I haven’t been through something like this? Do you really think calling me dumb will make me rethink what I said? There are so many things that everyone regrets doing, and I’m not here to shame anyone for that. I’m here to give suggestions on what to do in the present (by analyzing the past), and if my opinion is unwanted, just say that. Lastly, please don’t talk to people like that, even if they don’t agree with you, because the world needs more love and support, not hateful comments.
Lots of thoughts here:
His phone wasn’t hacked. He willingly sent them (not sure if that was made clear or not)
He cheated on you (or if you’re okay with sexting, he was in the process of cheating on you). I’d cut things off right away and let him deal with it however he’d like.
The scammer is going to do what they want whether he pays or not. If he pays, the scammer is going to keep asking for more so it doesn’t make sense to pay. If he doesn’t pay, they likely won’t share them because there’s nothing to gain. And again, if he pays, they’re going to ask for more later on and eventually he’s going to run out of money and it’ll revert back to my point about not paying.
This is why I never send dirty pictures unless I know the person well (or at least have met them). Id bet that 99% of these scams aren’t even real people – just scammers overseas.
Served him right, that cheating bastard.
In that case, go with your leading.
You're just going to have to give it time. There's no magic solution for breaking a trust like that. It sounds like you genuinely apologized. You understand the hurt you caused him. You are genuinely sorry. That counts. That's important. Now you have to move on. Don't dwell on it. And just give him all the time and space he needs to heal.
You also might want to talk with your friend about what secrets are. There is absolutely no excuse for saying something like that. She messed up bad. To my mind, she owes you an apology and needs to get her stuff together. There's no universe where she needs to be talking to.a man about his small dick at dinner.
So that's it. Once you have truly expressed remorse, you have to just let it go and move on and see where you stand in a few months.
If you don’t want it to keep happening, you do have the power to wish him all the best but still choose to not be friends or play with him. I agree with the original comment that he sounds 12, this is middle school drama he’s trying to drag you into.
I didn't know what I did to upset him the last time he was mad either
That’s because he’s deeply insecure and took something, anything, as a slight in some way and silently worked himself into a frenzy over it. He isn’t going to to stop either, so I’d take that into consideration the next time you’re left with a choice to engage with him or not.
You should tell your sister to stop f’ing badmouthing your girlfriend. The video is shit and you have proof that it wasn’t her. Also, get the name of the “friend” and confront her about this slander.
???
You might be more comfortable with uncertainty. I would want a definitive end date for this and a reason for the trip, along with a rough itinerary. Just them going on an open-ended vacation while I have no idea what they’re doing or why, I’d rather save the time and just get a divorce now if that’s within the realm of acceptable behavior to them. Because I would be out the door the day of if it ever happened again.
So your wife would get a big laugh out of you doing the same for a 23F co-worker of yours, right?
“It’s not just you honey …” Take this on as a team.
Yes I do, I have my own house, an amazing family & really good friends, they’ve all been so supportive of me. Even some of the babies dads friends have been really supportive, I feel lucky to have them. I’ve also told them about the situation so that they’re aware, I don’t want to keep talking about it though incase I’m bothering them. Im looking into therapists in my area because I think that would be so useful
“What are you doing stepdad”
I didn’t block anyone I just removed her from my friends list lol. But you and my husband both said pretty much the same thing about her not being able to handle someone else being the center of attention. I’ve been more than levelheaded about all of this. Ive spent a lot time and money. Not to mention we swallowed the cost for her rehearsal dinner, reception meal and hair/makeup restoration.
I searched on Reddit for some experiences of parents with only one kid as well as of only kids, and came away with a whole spectrum of experiences, from resentful and lonely only children who wished they had a sibling, to happy only children who were glad not to have to share their parents' time and resources, to sibling children who were resentful of their siblings and parents. Just goes to show that there's all sorts.
I don’t think either of you is in the wrong, but rather that you simply want different lives and are overall incompatible in a big enough way that it won’t work out for you long term. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to go out and enjoy partying while you’re still young, but having a partner who isn’t on the same life level is so difficult for the partner. As heartbreaking as it is to breakup sometimes people just aren’t compatible for what the other wants in life, no amount of therapy or compromise is going to change that.
I guess that would be subjective, but you were saying you would throw your computer out the window for a supermodel. Would you still pitch it for a cute girl next door type?
So why do you care if it hurts him feelings or how he feels?
Talking is not dating. Talking is not monogamy. Talking is talking.
You feel betrayed because you think she knew that you might, possible, want to date her at some undisclosed point in the future?
If you want monogamy, ask someone out and ask for exclusivity. Not this wishy-washy nonsense that is designed to hurt your own feelings.
Did she though? Op says that she told him when the dude asked for nudes and she said she's not feeling like doing it for him (at that particular time, but she later changed her mind). And that she only wants to be intimate with op (that op claims was a lie, but we don't know how she actually felt like). Sending nudes and being physically intimate with someone are different things.
Op rushed her into this relationship and is upset she wasn't ready to be exclusive when he was.
She sent those when her and OP were “in a talking stage”, they weren't in a relationship and they weren't exclusive. She didn't have to disclose him that in the first place.
Me too!
Honey, can you take a break from him? Do you have a loved one you can stay with?
This abuse may not be as bad as what you have suffered, but you are being abused.
He's made you move 2200miles away to avoid taking accountability for his role in this.
She's not to communicate with you, but he's still talking to her. He will introduce her to your baby. He will push you to welcome her back into your life. He will punish you for taking the baby away from her. He will be everything he was, but worse.
The only way this gets better is if he goes to therapy. You know that.
Stop giving him chances to hurt you. Stop giving him opportunities to trigger your PTSD. He is not safe for you to be around.
Get help honey, get out. Get yourself some breathing room.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You never deserved to be treated this way.