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Date: September 24, 2022
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Think ahead a couple of decades. A ten year gap is ākinda coolā now, and frankly, isnāt that bad when youāre 30 and heās 40, or when youāre 40 and heās 50. But honestly, when he is old and needing health care, and youāre just retired and wanting to travel, it is not so fun. One of my dearest friends was 32 years old married a guy 25 years her senior (he was 57). She loved his stability and income, and she didnāt want kids, so it was all good for many years (30+). But when he was 80 (and she was 55), she became his caretaker and it was very, very difficult. He died at 92 (she was 67), and she barely knew him then, no vice versa.
My husband is 15 MONTHS older than I am. He once told me one of the things he loves about dating in your same general age group is that you have shared life experiences within your generation. For example, we sang the same songs on the radio, we know the same artists, and we are on the same wave length in terms of stages of our lives.
Is he a doomsday prepper?
So we do have boundaries on this, he knows itās not ok to look at cosplay that is sexual in anyway. And even if he did look at it, the tone in which he spoke to me was very unhelpful and made me feel doubtful.
Uh oh. He probably found the post and had OP disappearedā¦.
Itās hard for sure. Try to give it a few more days before totally losing hope. Deep breaths. I know it doesnāt seem like it, but regardless of how this turns out, in the long-run, you will be ok.
Is there a mutual friend you can reach out to just to kind of ācheck inā and ask if they can at least tell you if sheās doing ok or not?
Found the little brothers Instagram which says he's 14 so my suspicion was right. Still not sure what to do though.
Regardless I think this guy dropping off his 14-year old brother at a shelter likely means he is some degree of crazy. I think I'll make an updated post because this changes things significantly.
Great, you are capable of recognizing the difference.
Then go pick fights on the playground instead.
He sounds repulsive , thereās plenty of 32 year old virgins out there in the sea for you
She only said that because she doesn't want to be alone. She using you as an emotional crutch.
If he payes 70% of everything. Its stand to equality that you doe 70% of the work home. You would not have that home nor that life without his money. So you do your part and everyone is happy. How hard is it to keep a house compared to keepin a life together for the both of you?
Uhh, you do not get a severance package unless you are laid off. If you are fired, you get nothing.
JFC dude. She respects you so much shes rubbing it in your face.
This is what happens when a partner cheats and they face no consequences other than being required to say “I love you, it was only sex” etc etc,
You can be almost guaranteed they've still been getting together.
I think your issue is common. It seems some workplaces are not friendly to new comers. It may take a while to be a part of things. Is there anyone you are friendly with. Sometimes if you become friends with even one core group member, it gives you an in.
You may have to go out of your way to participate in events at work.
What if you start bringing in treats. You could bring in donuts one day or candy. Who doesn't like that? I used to sit next to a woman who always had candy at her desk. She had a steady stream of visitors at her desk. Most would strike up conversations when they came over for a piece of candy.
A lot less than raising a kid
Break up. Can you imagine having children with this guy? He can't even manage to train something as smart as a JRT. He'd be useless as a parent.
That's a whole lot of him telling you that you dodged a bullet.
it was my responsibility as a woman to take care of our child
I think that thereās 2 captain in te relationship
he doesnāt have any control over his family.
He's a sexist pig. You'll be fine without that.
All of that said, what is your support network like? It's important to surround yourself with people who love you right now, when you're at your lowest and need help the most. Do you have family nearby?
Sounds like your body had a freeze response to the unwanted sexual situation. I get that all the time where I figure the person trying to get sexy with me will notice that I donāt want it because itās so bad, feels so off, and Iām just freezing up. But either they donāt notice or they donāt care. Anyway, it would have been better if she had figured out something was wrong earlier. Youāre right about the gender reversal. Unfortunately even though society is gaining more awareness around womenās consent, the conversation is unfortunately leaving men in the dust. Itās ok to not want sex when your gf does. Itās ok to not want to have sex with everyone who offers. When I was younger I, too, labored under the social conditioning that guys are always horny! All they want is sex! Any guy will have sex with you if you throw it at them! And thatās just not true. I suggest that you: 1. Take the space you need to sort out your feelings about the incident. Do you want to continue the relationship? 2. Learn about trauma responses. They are fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. You froze, and then fawn kicked in telling her you were ok when your werenāt. I understand, I do it too. I had to learn that people donāt just know when Iām feeling off and I had to figure out how to say or signal when Iām not into it. If she didnāt care, thatās a whole other scenario. Do you think she purposely assaulted you? Or do you think she was slow on the uptake? 3. Talk to her about it. Tell her how it caused you feelā used was the word you said. Tell her how you were waiting for her to get the signal that you werenāt into it and it took her a long time to get the hint before stopping. Tell her how uncomfortable you are. Hopefully sheāll take this to heart and apologies sincerely. 3. Explain to her that having a boner ā wanting sex or even being turned on. Those darn boners have a mind of their own. Let her know that she canāt count on that always being an indicator of your arousal. 4. If you choose to move forward with the relationship, may I suggest making some sort of safe word, code phrase, or physical signal that you can use when you donāt want sex. For example, with my partner I can just double tap him on the arm, waist or whatever with my hand and heāll stop to check in with me. Hope this helps. Your feelings are valid. I see you.
Soā¦ he asked you to become exclusive much faster than youād normally accept because he thought you were early-mid 20s and was trying to lock you in before you got a better offer. He only knew you were 30 after you accepted to be exclusive.
His friends are also ribbing him. Why? How did it come up that you were 30? Did he complain to them? You said you donāt look 30, so he mustāve told his friends your age in a manner that is now making him the butt of their jokes.
He is going to wait another week or so, then find some bullshit excuse to dump you so that he can save face.
Trust your gut.
My view is that your wife is insecure and jealous about your ex. I had a relationship with an older man when I was 18 (he was 30) and at the time I was just learning about myself as an adult. With hindsight, I know I was incredibly insecure and had burning jealousy about his ex (they had a child together who lived with mother). She was older and more experienced than I was and they shared jokes about things I didnāt understand, which made me feel even more insecure. Now Iām more experienced myself I can see how ridiculous my beliefs were then, but when youāre in it, you just canāt see it. My advice is to help her feel secure – then her issues about the ex will dissipate. I donāt know if itās a good idea to be open with her about her jealousy but just making sure she knows sheās āyour personā, how important she is and how much you love and need her should help. Her request isnāt reasonable btw, but if you donāt want to upset your wife, this might help. One other thing that you could try is talking to your ex about involving your wife sometimes so that communication is shared rather than being about you and your ex only. Given that your wife has acted as mother to your kids, it seems practical to include her, especially if discussing things that are relevant to your younger kids too e.g. plans for Xmas, holidays etc. I sonās know how realistic this is, but could help too, maybe. Good luck!
You can never have too much family.
Your ex and your kids were part of the deal when she married you and had kids with you. If she feels like she's having to share your attention as a father, it's because she is. And she should.
If those were her boundaries, she was welcome to express them before you got married and had kids.
Your wife has control issues, this is not a normal thing to ask
Why can a guy find you so attractive but then change his mind suddenly? I was only ever nice to him. He told me it was nothing bad but he said he dated me out of loneliness. Iām ashamed. Heās the only guy who liked me back and he didnāt even like me back
I love you ? this just made my day! I did the same thing!
Read all of his comments. There is nothing in there that says that this is a fetish. In fact, he's said multiple times that he didn't think he had this kink until his gf reacted so negatively.
You saying “we all have our kinks” and “shes allowed to not like it” is basically telling this guy he has the fetish.
Your husband should be stepping up to his family on this one. You don't really even have a MIL problem you have a MIL problem. Why would your husband even be OK with them “just trolling” you?? Someone telling you you're too sensitive knows there is malfeasance afoot but they don't want to deal with it, so they are happy to pull the too sensitive card on you hoping you'll back down. Scripts for you: “That's weird!” “Huh, I'll think about that.” “you're just joking? But jokes are supposed to be funny…? “
This is exactly what I see as well. It's like she's a sex doll. He mentions she does things to indicate she wants sex – “like cooking a nice dinner or wearing sexy underwear”. What does HE do to get her in the mood? Getting that response when you ask someone what intimacy is like for his wife is very telling.
Idk, maybe I'm reading too far into things but the post skeeves me out a little and I'd love to hear OP's wife's side, because I have a feeling she's not satisfied and is just going through the motions with someone who is basically a sex addict.
Youāre NOT your brother or his partner. Be yourself. Speak up how you feel.
Ask yourselfā will you stand on the altar before your bride walking slowly?
No? Break up. Give her last giftā better man who can marry her instantly.
You have to be honest with yourself, you have discovered that you are NOT into threesomes. The idea is cool, the flirting of finding a third person is exciting, but the actual doing is clearly and obviously not for you.
Lots of people like the idea of a threesome, it is a very common fantasy… But the practice of a threesome is very different. There is another person, a stranger in the bedroom, which has been an exclusive space for you and your partner. This is NOT something that “in reality” is so easily overcome, at the level of our psychology.
As to the guilt: You have found that the practice of a threesome is actually not something you are into, this revelation is NOT something you need to feel guilty about. You have done nothing wrong in discovering you are not in reality up for threesomes.
You agreed to have another man sleep with your girlfriend… if you break up with your girlfriend over that then frankly that is on you. Your girlfriend is justified in being hurt, as she was playing a game you both agreed to.
If you truly cannot get past this, accept that you are being 100% unfair, and don't have a leg to stand on. Accept that you are at fault, and learn your lesson. You will just have to be honest with your gf about this and break up. Tell her straight that you know that she did nothing wrong and that everything was agreed to, discussed, and that she even double checked that there was a green light. But your knowledge of these facts doesn't change how you feel. Also you don't have the will to fight those feelings, even though you know them to be unjustified.
You have no choice but to be honest with her, with yourself… Learn your lessons. And in the future be MUCH more careful about experimenting with other people or open relationships. Also don't assume that it would have worked if the third person had been a woman, it is far safer to assume that it would not have. Don't make the same mistake twice, that would be cause for shame.
Everything youāve described is a cat about to die, maybe not in the next week or two, but Iād be surprised if they make it to summer, I recently lost my first ārealā pet and if my SO would have acted like this in his final days I would have broken up, I was pregnant when he passed, my dog, may he rest In piece, will always be my first baby. Have some compassion. That cat probably got him through so much. Put the litter box in the half bath and grow up. The half bath being next to the kitchen isnāt gross u less youāre cooking and prepping food in there. Make a fucking compromise and let that man love on and care for his pet in that pets last days.
She isn't your problem. Hand her the divorce documents. Move on with your life. If she wants to get hysterical over it, then so be it.
So in summary: despite being supposedly opposed to affairs, you got pissy when this woman wasn't interested in you, and you've been badmouthing her ever since.
Leave her alone and get on with your life.
So there's only an 18% chance that 82% of statistics are made up huh.
Checkmate redditman.
I don't understand how kids is even an option. How can you bear to be intimate with that? And for 6 years. I would last 6 hours if they refused to shower before bed.
Yeah, right, he is trying hard to be a better person. How gullible are you. He has cheated and lied his whole adult life. You are 24, still young and with no kids, run.
I mean. Iām 22 and my bf is 29 (both yet to turn 23 and 30). We met when I was 21 and he was 27 because we were working at the same job. Usually I find a big age gap icky but in our case we were at the same level in life. All depends on how young she was when they met. If she was 18 itās a big difference
I will try and talk to my sister and her boyfriend when she comes home from work. They are the only people i feel i can trust right now. It might be good for me to ask if they could sleep in the room with me till i can get some cameras. Theres not much family i can tell, the person i would trust to tell would be my grandma buy unfortunately she passed last year. All other relatives i don't know well as they are out if state and i dont see often.
Let me tell you one thing about being bi. It is not a license to cheat nor does it magically grant them a license to “explore”.
If you guys are in a monogamous relationship and she wishes to do these things, then she leaves the relationship and does that and you move on.
In any relationship though, trust is the key and if you are finding that your trust in her is being stretched, then all you can reasonably do is make her aware if this so that you both know where you stand.
You are correct in that there is no difference between this and her expressing the same about a male work colleague. If she was in your position and you told her the same about a female work colleague of yours, you can bet your last dollar that he feelings about it would be exactly the same as what you are going through now (including the drop in levels of trust).
Granted that nothing may happen and your wife may be true to her word so express to her that you are having an issue with trust, and reiterate your position that if she ever acted out on this, that it will mean the destruction of your marriage.
It's about all you can do.
The problem with all this advice to get a camera is that we donāt really want it to happen again! I vote for a lock, and get out as soon as possible.
That's not at all the case, but I appreciate the viewpoint. I'm good terms with the manager because they are simply a great person, and supportive, and I enjoy going to her workplace to socialize with the staff, bring my girlfriend and rest of the staff treats, and over the months have formed that connection and amicability.
Sounds like she has no intention of making more money to support herself and at her age itās either a red flag of entitlement (which is supported by her indifference and everything else you said) or a significant difference in values. If youāre not okay with her freeloading then youāre not okay with her being a serious partner. Unless she wakes up to the fact that you have these standards for your relationship itās only going to get worse. If breaking up isnāt the first option, then you have to be serious with her about your financial boundaries and essentially communicate youāre not going to be a replacement for her father. He drew the line as her dad, you need to draw the line as her boyfriend.
LoL it all makes sense now. Thank you for revealing your true neck beard nature.
First of all…end it with your boyfriend…second of all…tell your friend how you feel…even though she probably already knows it and third of all…end it with your boyfriend no matter what the outcome is with your friend. He doesn't deserve this.
What youāre describing is rape. Your bf raped you. You begged him to stop and he refused. What you should be asking yourself is: do I want to keep dating my rapist?
Thanks for sharing ?
The intimacy comment is generally a common kink thing. That's not unusual at all.
A 22-year-old man watching porn? Shocking!
He is not into you, and his actions say. ” go away”.
Why are you fighting so hard against this
Yikes dude the flags are crimson red and youāre still ignoring them. For god sake she HATES your 8 year old. A grown ass woman HATES a child. OPEN YOUR EYES BEFORE ITS TOO LATE
I doubt any of this is a good idea, but if you're going down this road, your best bet might be to hire a professional.
This sucks. I won't outright say “leave,” but if there are still things that are “potential dealbreakers,” he needs to figure out why the f they haven't been the past six years and he needs to figure it out fast. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt but that shit makes no sense and for a person to say that to you after 6 years together is honestly shitty.
I don't see it mentioned but maybe she should go to the doctor. It could be something like a hormone imbalance affecting her libido.
I see, thank you for your insight.
I guess I need to work on this, because imagining it just… eh makes me nauseous again, I need to fix this, and I don't even know what I'm feeling, or why.
If you thought that your ex viewed you as untrustworthy, then maybe that's my problem, like I don't trust her, unconsciously.
Aagh this is hard, but I'll be sure to mention this in my therapy session!
When my boyfriend and my dog passed away a few years ago the crematorium gave us a locket of his fur to keep with us, we still have it. Itās not creepy or abnormal at all. Are you sure he just wasnāt looking for an out?
Oh, sweetie. None of this is normal. Iāve read several of your posts and your wife is unwell. I was rooting for you guys at first but the more I read, the more I came to see that this is a toxic and potentially unsafe situation. Iām much older than you and was in several abusive relationships when I was in my late teens/early 20ās. Loving someone and making promises to be together forever isnāt a guarantee and itās not an unbreakable contract. Marriage is hard! It takes a maturity that you and your wife just donāt have yetā¦and why would you? Youāre 19 and 20!! I know this will hurt to hear but thereās no way this relationship is going to work with itās current trajectory. Maybe itās just immaturity on her part but my sense is she needs professional, medical help. Hopefully sheās open to speaking with a psychiatrist and her issues can be greatly helped with therapy and medication. Otherwise your marriage is dead in the water. Sometimes relationships end. It doesnāt mean youāre a failure or a bad personā¦ it just means you werenāt right for each other. I wish you all the luck.
Hey neighbor! Weāre in Paradise Valley so I can confirm itās pricey out here.
You need to see that this is how she is going to expect the relationship to be forever. Sheās already said she wants āto be taken care ofā. This is a huge red flag, I would reconsider this relationship. Itās going to be all give and no take if she wonāt give in to paying for even one meal.
Instead of react, which seems to escalate things, set boundaries. For example, if she says anything racist or argues with you about your boundaries on it, she loses access to your company for the day. Next time she even starts say, āok, thatās enough for today. Iāll talk to you tomorrowā then leave the room. Do not engage at all, then the next day, donāt get mad, or preach, or criticize, act normal like nothing happened. If she says something racist or argues about you setting boundaries and not engaging, say the same thing and do not engage again. Repeat enough times sheāll get the lesson.
Being friends with an ex doesn't work 99% of the time. It's generally just a pseudo-relationship because one party didn't want the relationship to end. That's what's happening here.
Why would you take that risk?
She's mentioned she's feeling a bit insecure at the moment. So I reassure her the best I can. Help her with her meal prep etc as it's cumbersome to manage with our jobs and a toddler. If she wants to eat better ill support her happiness.
I've not mentioned the intimacy subject as I'm unsure how to approach. I don't want to make her feel bad for feeling bad if that makes sense. It's only starting to come to a head now (my feelings) so want to be rational about it.
Just concerned I'm going to be seen as someone moaning about not getting laid which most definitely not the problem.
It's weird because if you're not lactating you're just enjoying having a child suckle at your nipples/breast.
I find the thought of breast feeding uncomfortable because I'm not lactating, I know if I was it would be for nourishment and to provide extra antibodies to a baby. If I couldn't produce milk, I wouldn't be doing it because there's no benefit and it's like you'd be doing it for your own benefit? Which makes it perverse to me.
I know breastfeeding mothers like the nurturing aspect. But without the milk, it's just weird.
Plus kids learn to latch on because they're hungry and want to be fed, it seems cruel to do it knowing the kid isn't getting anything but you are.
If she were bi then I would be uncomfortable moving in with any friends that might be attracted to women in a different city. Someone feeling isolated and moving hours away with just one person who would be an available partner is a recipe for them to fall for their friend
It's crazy the amount of people calling her boyfriend insecure because he expressed a simple boundary, good grief lol.
I have PMDD. Pre menstrual dysphoric disorder. Basically very bad PMS. I get very very depressed, extremely suicidal, and it affects my relationship very heavily. It started ruining my relationship. During the week before my period, I hated my life, I was negative about and towards everything. I definitely took it out on my boyfriend. I wasnāt even realizing because in that state, itās like I canāt control myself or my thoughts. Iām genuinely not myself.
Well, I realized I canāt live like this because I love my boyfriend and was us to be happy and stable all the time, and because the suicidal thoughts became very hard to manage. I went to planned parenthood and specifically asked for Yaz birth control. It has been proven to help with PMDD symptoms. If you look it up, there are always positive and negative reviews and side affects. But I have tried several birth controls before that have made my feelings worse, or didnāt help with PMDD. On yaz, I feel SO much better. I do not experience PMDD anymore. The pain during my period is not as severe. It has improved my life and relationship.
I am not a doctor. This is not medical advice. This is just my personal experience. If I did not want to use Yaz, my doctor recommended Antidepressants. Even the week before my period to suppress the PMDD feelings. So there are options. PMS and PMDD is so hard to live with. I feel for your girlfriend but you donāt deserve to be treated poorly. I hope she takes your feelings seriously and gets some help.
No is a complete sentence
Ya thatās pretty spot on. I donāt think she expected me saying I didnāt want it to happen. Her argument was how is it different than having friends over etc. Didnāt have a great reason other than it just is different which I thought was obvious.
That would take the cake
Thanks bro ā¦
I have done therapy but I feel like they just repeat what I say back to me and it feels like a waste of my time. I know that sounds ignorant and it probably is. I'm currently on anti depressants. And working and keeping myself busy af. But as soon as I'm idle driving for example I just break down and have intrusive thoughts it's fucked I'm completely broken right now
Itās over, talk to your lawyer, go to the gym and hide your pain in your muscles, and do what you lawyer says
First of all, this is a dumbest excuse for cheating. Not buying it, to be honest.
Second of all, you dad is, if that's true, a pervert and you being inclined to keep this person around your potential kids is alarming as well.
I'd advise your girl to say goodbye to you, your perverted family, and block y'all faster than one can say CPS.
In a normal regular household, no father will give hickeys to his children, not even for jokes.
How long did you let him suck on you to give that hickey mark that lasts for days?.
I suspect that if you broke up now, you'd be dodging a major bullet. It's an extremely rare couple that doesn't argue, but most don't yell and sound threatening to the point where the landlord notices. Definitely not notice to a level where it becomes a reason for eviction.
An emotionally mature person wouldn't “feel inadequate” about moving into a place where the other partner is already signed on to. If you're both paying equal on rent and bills, “inadequate” becomes redundant. He's 37, this crap shouldn't still be normal behaviour.
Everyone has a right to come home to a place where it's a sanctuary, not a war zone. Keep your peace at home and don't look back
I immediately blamed the sober person who had sex with the person who was so drunk they couldnāt speak right.
Take the time to set up a budget and figure out how bad this would affect your desired lifestyle. Your income seems solid and you could probably make that work on your own if you lived fairly conservatively. Look into debt repayment methods and make a mock plan to pay them back. I recently paid off a much smaller amount of debt but used a combination of the snowball and avalanche method. Make your decision after you do that analysis. You can use that analysis to determine if her going back to school is worth it at this time. Damage control might be the better option in the meantime. Good luck dude
Thank you youāre very helpful, I hope you understand my wordās doesnāt paint the full picture here and thereās two sides to this Iām not the only one with āunreasonableā requests
Ok, I a middle aged woman. You know how many friends with man-child husbands and ex-husbands I know?
A lot.
IT DOESN'T GET BETTER, IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE.
Yeah, you get married have kids, they won't help with the kids, they always have excuses, their josb, they are tired, the don't knowbwhat to do, some of get get bold it is your job!!!, but guess what? You work and you have to do all the shit, yes always all the time, you wont get help, ever. This kind of behavior it's so hard to change it, he has to want to, and they prefer to be slobs, it is easy and someone will do it or it will stay like that, they don't care.
Mind you I do have 3 friends were the wife is the one that doesn't do much.
Okay. So she doesnāt like who you are. And. You clearly donāt like who she is. What would you tell a friend? This isnāt a great relationship. Itās not even sort of good. Words matter and you have both said far too much to come back from.
Talk to him about that. Help him understand that what he said was hurtful.
You think the cops will confiscate his laptop if he was looking at children in bath suit on Instagram? Were you born yesterday??
You think the cops will confiscate his laptop if he was looking at children in bath suit on Instagram? Were you born yesterday??
WTF did I just read?
Your friend probably jerked off watching you be tied up.
This is some seriously messed up shit.
I will admit me using his phone without permission was wrong;I really didnāt have any bad intentions I just wanted to see the cute pictures he has of me
Honestly, If my boyfriend was friends/ going away with a person who constantly talked shit about me- even without all the other stuff- I would seriously reconsider everything. He obviously has no problem with someone disrespecting you and your relationship.
This has to feel super shitty. Iām sorry.
A conversation face-to-face isnāt going to change anything. Heās definitively told you he doesnāt want to be with you, and you donāt want to beg him to change his feelings. Have all this stuff set aside so he can grab it and go, and focus on making yourself feel better. Make sure you have some self-care in order for right after.
As for your stuff, if thereās anything you really donāt want, set it aside for him to take back or donate/sell. Anything where the association is too strong right now but you might feel differently about in a few weeks belongs in a plastic tub somewhere. Eventually it will probably feel more like āyour stuffā than āstuff from X.ā
I pretty sure that the son and DIL talked about it. I think the DILs mother is considering moving there too. If that happens, I wonder how all that will work out, I hope it does all work out for benefit of the grandchild.
ā
Thanks for the reply
Thank you for your answer. I have my job so I am independent already. But knowing nobody here makes me kind of vulnerable, very dependent to him; nowhere to go if we break up, no support, nothingā¦
Have sympathetic people over to your house when she's being especially loud and when they say something you start to tear up and say there's nothing you can do because she's already threatened you and nobody believes you, after enough people are on your side they should start shaming her into not bothering you on your behalf.
Will you be living with the noise? Yeah probably, but she shouldn't be able to make your social life hell as you will have gotten in front of it to control the narrative. Anything she says after that will look like she's covering up for herself because she is.
Heās butt hurt she was an escort, not that she was assaulted.
why are you with this person? you don't trust him, he assaulted you, he (in your own words) tortures you mentally and he's a creep
Being on your own is better than this – I promise