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dvorahsoe chat
Date: October 9, 2022
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Sorry, if you're an attorney you definitely know more about this than I do, I didn't mean to give legal advice! I just don't think you can convince your ex to see things the same way as you do, even though I think you're clearly being rational about this situation (and he's, at the very least, moving way too fast!)
Is there no legal grounds for renegotiating a custody agreement when your ex is moving a literal stranger into the house they share with your child? I'm genuinely asking. I distinctly remember not being able to see my dad for about a month during my parents' divorce because of a similar living situation issue, but I was honestly too young to know how or why it was happening.
For what it's worth, as a child of divorce, it sounds like you're cultivating a really healthy, supportive co-parenting relationship on your end, and that will become apparent and pay off in making your son a more well-rounded adult. My mom was the same way, even though my dad was petty and immature and it took me a long time to realize.
Regardless, wishing you luck
Wasn't your boyfriend dating an underage girl like 4 years ago?
“He is still providing excuses to avoid going to therapy.”
It might be “time to go” on the table. If he isn't willing to work through himself or work through himself with you, he is a lump of coal and needs to open himself up or be single. Either way, unless things change, you are single with a title, as is he. I know that you got on here to affirm your AGR, but this dude is broken and needs help. I'm in an AGR and we are healthy af. Its not because he's 33, he could be 23, or 13. You can't fix him unless he's willing to fix himself. I'm not advocating for ya'll to break up, but what I'm saying is that if you like him, to try to be the silver spoon to help himself. If he denies that, treat yourself to someone else. I had to make really tough choices myself to be a partner in my own AGR, and it required a lot of self reflection, but I did it for her and because of her, so that we could be best life. If he's unwilling to do so, move on.
yea just fuck her bro
I understand safety aspect but your original point was different. It was more along the line that having social life outside of a relationship leads to cheating, and that’s the one I’m objecting to. And as I can see, so is OP.
If keeping up with his life is causing you to waste yours then yes, you need to block him.
It was his business when she slept with him and made him the other guy. She said she’s exclusive enough that he would be pissed that she slept with someone else. Now she’s trying to guilt him into silence.
She’s in the wrong period.
Married at 22, still married over a decade later. Would not recommend marrying that young. If I had it to do over, I think both of us would have been happier if we had broken up when we almost did in college, seen other people, and found our way back to each other. We basically grew up together, and almost didn't make it. Therapy and marriage counseling saved us.
I don’t get it
Obviously break up with her, stop wasting her time.
Well done. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, but the way you’ve handled it is perfect and you went above and beyond protecting another person from him. I hope you find peace and he drops off the face of your world.
It sucks that your hurting but it's only been 3 month. You can't really properly love somebody in that time. You know there's no future, why prolong the inevitable.
Well I wasn’t thinking about the consequences. If you get attention from someone else while you’re in a long commitment marriage you just get too excited.
Which of Trump’s policies helped our nation? The wall? The massive tax cuts for the wealthy? I’m curious.
Patronizing for how much of a joke your statement was. Yeah, you deserved that.
No not really. I'm always invited to the parties though. They always need someone to kill the mood with reality and honesty.
I'm going to agree with you
.
This is emotional cheating, at the very least.
I don’t know how you feel about marriage. Perhaps it’s sacred to you; perhaps it’s not. I’m not going to tell you not to try to work through this with her for that reason. But in a very real sense, your marriage is rapidly coming to a close, and you may not have a say in it. There are many people who would not wait around for her to come back.
You’re probably wondering why this happened. Who knows; maybe you were emotionally distant or didn’t provide her the support she wanted. Maybe you did nothing at all. I can’t tell from your post.
The thing is, rather than taking it up with you and trying to solve the problem together, she chose to solve it with somebody else. Thus, the cheating. At that point, the marriage is kind of finished, you know? And if there’s lessons for you to learn, you get to learn them later, because she’s not really taking the effort to help you understand. in a functioning marriage, you work together to solve problems.
I making some assumptions here, so sorry if I’m off-center. That’s the best advice I can give under the circumstances.
Honestly just came to make sure someone said this. Unless he was her first? What sexually active 27yo has never had an STI test?
Plus the no protection thing, good lord… test before becoming intimate, and with every new partner. And have had that conversation 5 months ago! Use protection! Yeah, i know 2 couples in my whole life who actually got married in 5 or less months of meeting who went on to be together for decades and had kids and all, but that's not the norm.
Unless you're able to talk openly and responsibly about sex, the possibility of infections, and the probability of pregnancy when not using protection, you're not responsible enough to be sexually active.
Find a guy that actually wants to be with you? Twice now he was “too busy” to show up when he was the one that wanted the rooms, and you don’t see it for the slap in the face that it is.
Distract yourself. Go out, do stuff with friends, go to the gym, go for runs. Whenever you think about him disctract your thoughts. As soon as thoughts about him start you focus on something else. You can plan ahead your next day in your head, very detailed like: “I will get up, go pee, put toothpase on the brush, brush my teeth, ….” If you start distracting yourself from certain thoughts that you do not want to have at first its hard but after a while it gets second nature and the less you think about him, the less these thoughts creep back into your head.The more you accept these thoughts and let them happen the more frequently they will haunt you.
It’s a big red flag that he’s trying to guilt trip you into bringing him along to visit your ailing grandmother when he hasn’t even met anyone else in your family. 7 months is way too soon to demand that he be invited along to a family trip.
This should be very simple. Just tell him that this trip is family only and he’s not invited. If he throws a childish hissy fit about respecting a simple boundary you should break up with him.
Gender roles that we have talked about and agreed in some way or the other. I want to pay for my meals. In all honesty I don’t feel confined to anything
I legit thought it'll be a post about how his bad luck is so severe that you're considering breaking up with him. And then you wrote those you think he's cheating which made the earlier part about bad luck irrelevant.
What's missing from this story is why she is in debt. It's one thing if they are one time expenses related to the move, it's quite another if she's maxing out her credit card just to get by. If it's the latter, it's reasonable to assume this $1500 loan won't be a one time thing unless something changes.
I feel like there is never a right time to say “I can't be your therapist/counsellor/general dogsbody for anything you need doing”
Now. Now is the right time.
You are setting yourself on fire to keep him warm because he refuses to do it himself. I know reddit is famous for urging people to leave unsatisfactory relationships as the very first response but good lord get out of this.
What are you getting out of this? What does your bf bring to the table? A relationship benefits both partners, it should not be at the constant detriment of one of them.
I think you can do better and find a happier way without him.
You've been fucking for a year but he's not sexually attracted to you. Does that even make sense? He's embarrassed about what people will think of him.
I would recommend you star by pulling her phone records and see if he texted or called her that day after you found out, Your wife took a really laid back approach to it, no woman would feel comfortable with thouse pictures in another man's hands other than thier husband, but then again you don't even have them, look deeper into this.
Having a preference or a type isn’t being shallow, you’re supposed to be attracted to your partner. You can’t change that. What you can do is encourage them to be more active now that they got an apartment. Maybe they’ll have more time for it
Boundaries are for you. Rules are for others.
He is setting a rule for you. A ridiculous and incredibly controlling rule.
I think it's time you set an actual boundary and tell him you will text him when you get to it and it will not be anywhere near every thirty minutes.
This is likely one small example of how he is or will soon try to control every aspect of your life.
Not everyone finds funky makeup and hair colors/hairstyles attractive. You can choose to do those things and he’s allowed to not find it attractive. He’s not in the wrong for feeling that way.
That context is important. I think you’re more than likely fine. It really is a nice gesture and to be honest, when I brought up work, I wasn’t so much worried about getting made fun of for it. If he’s secure in himself, he’ll essentially tell them to fuck off because where’s the joke? The woman he’s dating got him delicious treats.
My worry on the work from was whether he’s in an environment where it would really be inappropriate. You’d probably know if that was the case though, because he’d have alluded to it in one way or another.
Breathe easy. You’re good.
It's difficult when it comes down to an eating disorder and depression. From my own experience, she might need more help in order to find the balance and become better. If the weight gain is drastic and a hazard for her own health, she need professionals to step in. Myself, I gained a lot because of depression and back pains. I also deal with an eating disorder so it's rough to have that hover over you. Importance is the support along the way.
It's not really your fault that you might not be as attracted to her as you used to, but you should feel shame when you are out together. That can become another weight she will gain over her mental health and you dint want to be the reason. Also you have a choice here. Stay and support, help and try to maybe push your needs aside a little, or think about what you can work with here. What you can handle. As a partner you wanna do your best to be there, but many looks away from their own energy and what you yourself are in control of.
Your long distance boyfriend sounds like he's moving on and looking for a short-distance GF. It's probably time for you to do the same.
I’m in my sixties. A dear friend of mine who is somewhat older recently took it into his head to learn a fairly complex language out of a desire to deepen a family connection that had been lost to migration and assimilation, and he has been making astonishing headway. It is not impossible, older people are not stupid; it is just a matter of motivation and effort.
Yes, if my kids marry people from three different countries with no language in common then I will be picking up some basic courses and trying to become at least everyday capable of stuttering through a conversation with them and a dictionary. If they’re someone my child loves, that is important to me. Complaining it’s difficult is bizarre. Most worthwhile things are difficult.
The only reason to leave it alone would be out of concern for my own wellbeing. I clearly said I am not concerned for my own wellbeing, I am worried about someone else's. Jail ain't no thing, death ain't no thing, I'm trying to do the right thing.
Correction: Your husband assaulted your sister.
If she isn't sober enough to remember getting home, she is not sober enough to consent. If your husband was bringing her home, he presumably was not nearly as drunk? He assaulted her. You need to apologise to your sister and get away from him.
Did they feed the turtle too….
Eviction notice and don't be there to accept his child!! Go visit family with your kids and let him be screwed for his child's care!
I’m not sure. If it wasn’t for this I don’t think I would have noticed anything.
Well this explains everything lol
Ever go with her to her therapy sessions?
Move on. If someone breaks up with you they're giving you a hint that they don't want to be with you, as harsh as that sounds. If you want to maintain your self-respect (and any small chance to getting back with her), you move on, show her you could care less and start dating other women.
You're very young there will be many others.
I want a civil conversation I don’t want her to cry
You can only control your civility, you can't control other peoples and you cannot let the possibility of their incivility prevent you from doing what you want.
I don’t want it to sound like I’m leaving her today but I think I am ready to go just not yet ready to hear her cry
You just need to get over this. If you want to leave you should do both of you a favor and be honest. She very likely won't be happy about it. Other than being honest and decent with her you can't control how she reacts. That's life, conflict is not something to avoid, sometimes it's expected and learning to navigate it is a life skill, not something to cower from.
You have the mind of a fucking sixteen year old. Your brother's loyalty doesn't lie with your cheating ass, decent people tell someone their partner is fucking someone else
Ok so here’s the thing, you clearly really want to have kids. I know you’re trying to portray here (and probably even to yourself) that you just want the option to be open and you’re not dead set on them, but it’s pretty clear that you’re set on wanting them. It seems pretty clear, on the other hand, that your wife has decided that she doesn’t want them. Kids are something that couples need to agree on 100%, which is why this is the sort of thing you discuss and agree on prior to marriage. Having or not having kids is one of those rare things in a relationship that is a hard dealbreaker. No matter who ultimately wins that argument, someone is going to resent the other (and also possibly the child, if there is one) and that is relationship poison. I hear you saying things like “oh but there are these other things that she didn’t think she’d like but then once she did it, she liked it”. This is not one of those things. You don’t have a kid assuming that your partner will come around. If she doesn’t like an international trip, that’s okay, because it only lasts a few weeks. If she doesn’t like parenthood, welp, you can’t just return the kid. You need to have a come to Jesus talk about this and come to terms with where you both are on this, and if it’s not the same page, you need to figure out if this is a relationship you’re willing to sacrifice parenthood for – and if you can do that without forever resenting her for it.
Set rules and boundaries from the get-go.
I wouldn’t recommend lying (to your husband at least) about a girls trip because if the truth comes out somehow you might be accused of horrible disgusting things. I think your best bet is to have an open conversation with your husband. Tell him that you have been wanting to go on a short solo getaway for the longest time now and would like to do it while you are still able to. If he gets angry or hurt, just let him know this is for yourself and is not about anyone else. Also that you will be going regardless and it would just be less complicated and smooth if he doesn’t take it personally and supports you.
If you feel like lying about the girls trip would be better feel free to do that. After all you know your family best
No
Wow, he really made you believe that any of this is appropriate behavior huh. You don’t have BPD (or at least this isn’t an indication of you having BPD). He has an incredibly inappropriate relationship with his ex and has very successfully gaslighted you into thinking you’re the problem.
Those are definitely some really crappy friends
You're the monster.
You have to tell her. Don't let her go through this again, she deserves so much better than you.
Read your post back. You're not even really sorry, you're an absolutely abhorrent human being.
Marriage won’t create a better relationship, but forcing someone into something they aren’t ready for it one way to guarantee it won’t last. My ex fiancé did this, he even proposed on the first day of our 3 week holiday abroad and I felt railroaded into it or the holiday and relationship would be over. I couldn’t bring myself to plan a wedding I didn’t want and I ended the relationship
See this is why being married scares me… HOW do you go a whole 9 years without noticing such a damaging character flaw.
It's definitely true that not all with the disorder are abusive. But also that they are apparently, on a fundamental level, realizing that anything about them differs from the people around them, so they wouldn't just on their own go get a mental health assessment or counseling. I'd wager money the diagnosis is either being made up by a slimeball or dude has been on the receiving end of a court-ordered assessment of some kind.
Wow. The grownup world is nothing like I thought it would be lol.
My finish times can be fast so i feel the struggle there, just pace yourself. What really brought it back for us was forplay just rubbing each other for like 5-10 minutes edging or getting her all hard. Got me super turned on and really looking forward to things.
I don’t believe him for wanting this at all.
The contemporary human zoos.
Calling bullshit on the “just cuddling” right now.
That’s not what grown adults do when they’re making out on the way to the hotel room. They had sex. You need to treat everything thing here as though the worst happened, because it probably did.
She doesn't sound mentally healthy at all to be in a relationship with. Does she have a therapist?
I'd suggest couples counseling so you can force the discussion and confront this with a professional. Either she's sick and needs help or she's manipulative and you need to gtfo.
Total, uneducated guess here: Dude got bullied a lot as a kid. Asked his parents to move schools, they denied him. Maybe mom relented and dad put his foot down. Vowed that if he ever has kids he’ll be in charge of making decisions like that. Childhood bullying is 100% traumatic.
hes lying. Once youre gone, he will find another sooner or later.
Then listen to yourself and make a plan to leave. It’s never too late.
Bullshit. Give him alllllll the space. Far away from you. Boy, BYE!
I agree with other people saying to lawyer up immediately, and stop her from moving out of state.
How is this intimate? It's like.. an organizer for makeup? Am I missing something?
Ozempic has been in the news a bunch lately for celebrity weight loss but it’s actually for people like your wife. It’s not a permanent, long term solution but it could kick start a healthier lifestyle and help her out of the rut she’s in.
So they both may have cheated (OP for certain)
OP my boyfriend is part of Mensa too and is just an awesome person in general which definitely felt intimidating at first because I struggled at first in university when we met. But I saw it like this, a really insanely smart and great person thinks I’m awesome too.
We all have our own strengths OP! My bf is amazing with maths and coding and I’m really good at my work in mental health . We both learn from each other and lift each other up. I don’t think we could ever do each other’s jobs ? but we’re excited to learn about it (even if I genuinely have no clue what the maths is about in his work)
Comparison is the thief of joy!
OP never said she changed her party for him, only the initial idea was Vegas, and now its no. It's just speculation to assume she changed it for him, and OP isn't really responding to anything and it's a brand new account, this is probably not even a real post.
I just want to say .. if you do end up needing or wanting a divorce, that’s ok❤️ Better to be divorced twice than unhappy forever
TAKE your games back. His argument claiming that they are his because he owns the switch is insane. I know you have been with this charming person since you were 15, maybe your adult self can find a man who is not a controlling jerk.
I think he did a great thing to be honest. You guys dont have to break up and can move in together. The reject cat is long gone and alas, no more behavioral issues and now you have a cat that seems much more relaxed and enjoys your partner. This guy just totally solved all the issues and you got to enjoy a vacation while he saved everything……and no im not him writing this. lol
So I’m not trippin for thinking that was a weird move
she started name calling in the last year of a relationship…first few times I tolerated, but then I said that she needs to stop, but she did it again 2,3 times.
I am no a perfect partner, but when she asked me to work on my flaws, I at least tried. I don't think I deserved name calling, I understand that I might not be suitable partner for her, but I couldn't stand her name calling me.
You are 99% percent going to get “focus on yourself” responses. My advice is know if he is recoverable. My partner relapsed on meth, was on it long before we were together but relapsed during a financial crisis he was having. I found out because he got arrested. I provided full support and he was very appreciative and got things together after and has been thriving. (Really basic summary to save time). However he is an immigrant and not overly entitled like he might’ve been as someone else. He wanted to be here, he wanted support to keep his work visa, welcomed it, etc and was genuinely going through a traumatic event that caused relapse. You basically need to decide for yourself what you can actually accomplish.
Flip side.. I’m bipolar and can say in my 20s during the diagnosis it was dismal. My actions, progress, everything with substances were quite bad for a long time. Only you are going to have the background knowledge in this situation to make the “right decision” but I can already see you are strongly considering a break. No one on here will convince you but you