Bro as someone who has a child, and dated people with children. She wants something with him… 100%. It's not even fair. I realized I will NEVER date a girl with a child under 3. If the kid's under 3, and they are separated 99% the guy left because he's a tool… and the girl still wants the family.
There is ZERO fucking reason he should spend ANY night at her house. He can always come early at 5-6am. I am fuming for you, just because I've been in similar situations (luckily I was not cheated on, but the baby dad was enabled… and it was never to this extent).
Also I understand face time, but why couldn't he just get the kid for the day??? An hour on Facetime on a nonverbal child also disgusts me. Guaranteed he wasn't just making “goo-goo, ga-ga” faces for an hour. He was talking to her probably 90% of the time.
I've been extremely successful in the dating world, so much I've become a semi-coach. I can tell you right the fuck now, you can not change this and it will not work. Sounds harsh, but do not date any girl with a child under 3 unless the father is dead. I've seen it with friends on both sides, myself, and “love” interests. Never have a seen a girl with a child under 3 who wasn't trying to get back.
he should never have said that and your reaction isnt unwarranted… and youre right he shouldnt be able to demand sex or expect you to have to do so. the actions and the comment itself tells me that he sees you as property not as a partner… you're a walking, talking, sex doll and thats how he sees you. the most telling thing was him ignoring that you were emotional and not trying to comfort you… being horny isnt an excuse for being toxic to your loved one. The anger upon you leaving shows his ego colliding with a situation he can no longer control… this relationship is toxic as hell…. be thankful you dont have kids… youre not married. move on and find someone who finds you beautiful and loves ALL of you… someone whos not looking for a sex doll who does what she's told. you deserve better.
If someone is actively cheating on you repeatedly, you don’t owe them much in the way of breakup conversation, and frankly, if you feel unsafe or like he’s going to pressure you in person, don’t meet up – you are allowed to breakup via text. You don’t even have to say you know he’s still cheating or that you snooped through his phone. You can just say you’re breaking up with him and go about your day.
But whichever way you break up, you need to set very clear boundaries, and say you do not want to remain in contact and he needs to respect your boundaries. If he shows up unannounced after you breakup, you don’t need to feel bad, you need to reaffirm you asked him not to contact you, say he’s not respecting the clear boundaries you conveyed, and tell him he needs to leave or you’re calling the police. And if he keeps doing it, follow through and file a report for harassment.
Mental illness is not a blanket excuse for someone to behave badly. You have to realize you are not solely responsible for balancing out the bad things happening in his life, and you are not obligated to stay in a toxic situation just because someone has depression. Honestly, it sounds more like this guy is emotionally manipulative, rather than unstable, and is causing a scene because he knows the appearance of instability will keep you around.
This could definitely be a red flag of underlying character defects. But if they’ve been together four years and married for two and this is the first sign of trouble I think it’s likely (and hopefully for OP’s sake) something they’ve matured out of and left behind in favor of a healthier life. Only a true psychopath could pretend to be somebody else for four years as part of some long con.
You can get an anonymous sperm donation at a later date, if his sperm is the reason you can't conceive. But not keep this baby in this traumatic situation, that's just insane.
My boyfriend (who knows about my history) was walking right beside me when it happened and saw the whole thing – yet he didn't do anything to protect me, defend me or call the guy who did it out on it. Now my boyfriend is around 6'1 or 6'2 and quite muscular, like going to the gym 6 times a week for the past 5 years muscular, so he looks quite intimidating.
Because of the way he looks and because he's told me multiple times that I don't have to be afraid of others because he would protect me, I expected him to stay true to his promises (which he made a lot of) and defend me. But he didn't do anything.
I mean, you can’t expect people who aren’t attracted to you to want to date you. I didn’t see anything about you being excluded, just no follow up dates.
It's understandable that your fear of her leaving is rising. However that shouldn't be your main concern, your goal is to live in a healthy, fulfilling relationship (I assume) and not talking about it will get you nowhere.
I know those types of conversation are scary af and they need preparation and bravery. Your partner turns your conversation arround and starts pointing fingers? That's not healthy at all, remember you are trying to work against the problem and not against each other.
Try to get her to sit down with you when there is a quiet moment and try something like this: “Hey can I talk to you for a moment? There is something on my mind that's bugging me a lot and I need to talk to you about it, do you have time right now? … Okay thank you, I want you to listen to me first before answering so we can avoid misunderstandings. I've noticed you were not honest about where you are in some situations. I've looked at your location and called you and you were dishonest. I know it's not okay to keep track of where you are, that's controlling and I try to better myself and not do that anymore. However now I know that you were lying to me about your location, I cant unknow it. Can you explain why please? I trust you but because of these incidents I start to get anxious about you having an affair so I want to get things sorted out. Whatever you answer I want us both to be more honest. I tracked you, you lied, we both need some work here. So please explain your side.”
Either she explains that she is throwing you a suprise party/something normal or she lies again or she admits being a cheater.
Because I know that’s a thousand percent irreparable.
That's absolutely disgusting.
Bro as someone who has a child, and dated people with children. She wants something with him… 100%. It's not even fair. I realized I will NEVER date a girl with a child under 3. If the kid's under 3, and they are separated 99% the guy left because he's a tool… and the girl still wants the family.
There is ZERO fucking reason he should spend ANY night at her house. He can always come early at 5-6am. I am fuming for you, just because I've been in similar situations (luckily I was not cheated on, but the baby dad was enabled… and it was never to this extent).
Also I understand face time, but why couldn't he just get the kid for the day??? An hour on Facetime on a nonverbal child also disgusts me. Guaranteed he wasn't just making “goo-goo, ga-ga” faces for an hour. He was talking to her probably 90% of the time.
I've been extremely successful in the dating world, so much I've become a semi-coach. I can tell you right the fuck now, you can not change this and it will not work. Sounds harsh, but do not date any girl with a child under 3 unless the father is dead. I've seen it with friends on both sides, myself, and “love” interests. Never have a seen a girl with a child under 3 who wasn't trying to get back.
he should never have said that and your reaction isnt unwarranted… and youre right he shouldnt be able to demand sex or expect you to have to do so. the actions and the comment itself tells me that he sees you as property not as a partner… you're a walking, talking, sex doll and thats how he sees you. the most telling thing was him ignoring that you were emotional and not trying to comfort you… being horny isnt an excuse for being toxic to your loved one. The anger upon you leaving shows his ego colliding with a situation he can no longer control… this relationship is toxic as hell…. be thankful you dont have kids… youre not married. move on and find someone who finds you beautiful and loves ALL of you… someone whos not looking for a sex doll who does what she's told. you deserve better.
If someone is actively cheating on you repeatedly, you don’t owe them much in the way of breakup conversation, and frankly, if you feel unsafe or like he’s going to pressure you in person, don’t meet up – you are allowed to breakup via text. You don’t even have to say you know he’s still cheating or that you snooped through his phone. You can just say you’re breaking up with him and go about your day.
But whichever way you break up, you need to set very clear boundaries, and say you do not want to remain in contact and he needs to respect your boundaries. If he shows up unannounced after you breakup, you don’t need to feel bad, you need to reaffirm you asked him not to contact you, say he’s not respecting the clear boundaries you conveyed, and tell him he needs to leave or you’re calling the police. And if he keeps doing it, follow through and file a report for harassment.
Mental illness is not a blanket excuse for someone to behave badly. You have to realize you are not solely responsible for balancing out the bad things happening in his life, and you are not obligated to stay in a toxic situation just because someone has depression. Honestly, it sounds more like this guy is emotionally manipulative, rather than unstable, and is causing a scene because he knows the appearance of instability will keep you around.
This could definitely be a red flag of underlying character defects. But if they’ve been together four years and married for two and this is the first sign of trouble I think it’s likely (and hopefully for OP’s sake) something they’ve matured out of and left behind in favor of a healthier life. Only a true psychopath could pretend to be somebody else for four years as part of some long con.
Oh my god!!!!!! Sending hugs
Does she even know for sure that he isn’t sleeping on someone’s couch right now? Dude could be a hobosexual.
You can get an anonymous sperm donation at a later date, if his sperm is the reason you can't conceive. But not keep this baby in this traumatic situation, that's just insane.
Did you not read the post??
My boyfriend (who knows about my history) was walking right beside me when it happened and saw the whole thing – yet he didn't do anything to protect me, defend me or call the guy who did it out on it. Now my boyfriend is around 6'1 or 6'2 and quite muscular, like going to the gym 6 times a week for the past 5 years muscular, so he looks quite intimidating.
Because of the way he looks and because he's told me multiple times that I don't have to be afraid of others because he would protect me, I expected him to stay true to his promises (which he made a lot of) and defend me. But he didn't do anything.
I mean, you can’t expect people who aren’t attracted to you to want to date you. I didn’t see anything about you being excluded, just no follow up dates.
As a married woman fuck yes i would want to know! It saves alot of wasted time on some AH who can't keep it in his pants.
It's understandable that your fear of her leaving is rising. However that shouldn't be your main concern, your goal is to live in a healthy, fulfilling relationship (I assume) and not talking about it will get you nowhere.
I know those types of conversation are scary af and they need preparation and bravery. Your partner turns your conversation arround and starts pointing fingers? That's not healthy at all, remember you are trying to work against the problem and not against each other.
Try to get her to sit down with you when there is a quiet moment and try something like this: “Hey can I talk to you for a moment? There is something on my mind that's bugging me a lot and I need to talk to you about it, do you have time right now? … Okay thank you, I want you to listen to me first before answering so we can avoid misunderstandings. I've noticed you were not honest about where you are in some situations. I've looked at your location and called you and you were dishonest. I know it's not okay to keep track of where you are, that's controlling and I try to better myself and not do that anymore. However now I know that you were lying to me about your location, I cant unknow it. Can you explain why please? I trust you but because of these incidents I start to get anxious about you having an affair so I want to get things sorted out. Whatever you answer I want us both to be more honest. I tracked you, you lied, we both need some work here. So please explain your side.”
Either she explains that she is throwing you a suprise party/something normal or she lies again or she admits being a cheater.
How do you go about chasing in a way that is not creepy? Get to know them better as friends first then formally ask them out?
Because the entire relationship and mentality seem quite immature for both of you and I think you should just walk away.