What the fuck?? You are in an abusive relationship, period. Him not allowing you to have your own money is absolute horseshit and I didn't even keep reading past that.
But he doesn’t see it… it’s an internal issue that if I don’t fix will ruin our relationship. Because I can’t keep being this perfect girlfriend that isn’t actually crippled with negative thoughts all day.
It's going to beg messy, it's not going to be smooth, it's not a fantasy world and we can't give you a solution. The girl is not stable. Expect an instable response to your abject rejection.
What you MUST do is
Act within the law in your state or providence Protect yourself and your valuables as best you can by recording in shared and private spaces if possible and relocating assets and big items to a safe place (rent a storage cube if you need to) Take timestamped photos of your property BEFORE you begin the process of eviction Accept that she may react exactly as you fear, be ready to pick up the pieces.
… You shouldn't be with anyone who shames you over masturbation. Even if you weren't masturbating, the fact that he's ready to shame you for it at the drop of a hat is NOT okay. Don't apologize to him. You've done nothing wrong.
You want to be a trauma counsellor but also want to potentially divulge someone’s trauma (if you’re right) without their consent? You don’t help people by doing that. Especially people who have been abused and had their consent already taken away from them. You are taking away his choice on how and when he feels comfortable telling his very private story.
And we don’t even know if he has that sort of trauma, or if your newness to this area is reading the situation wrong.
You want to be a trauma counsellor but also want to potentially divulge someone’s trauma (if you’re right) without their consent? You don’t help people by doing that. Especially people who have been abused and had their consent already taken away from them. You are taking away his choice on how and when he feels comfortable telling his very private story.
And we don’t even know if he has that sort of trauma, or if your newness to this area is reading the situation wrong.
You want to be a trauma counsellor but also want to potentially divulge someone’s trauma (if you’re right) without their consent? You don’t help people by doing that. Especially people who have been abused and had their consent already taken away from them. You are taking away his choice on how and when he feels comfortable telling his very private story.
And we don’t even know if he has that sort of trauma, or if your newness to this area is reading the situation wrong.
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The core issue sounds like, regardless of the initial understanding, he's not feeling happy with the lived reality of him working while you pursue a better life. Having hobbies, and being productive in your hobbies, is different than the grind of working to make money.
Repainting/drywall, and similar are things that go quickly, they certainly aren't going to fill your year. A couple of job applications/month is pretty token too, especially if you are including jobs in that count that you have no intention of taking (the comment that you aren't interested in the ones that reply).
His expression of that frustration/jealousy doesn't speak well to his communication style, but to feel frustration/jealousy in the situation is within the normal range of humanity.
There might be something else that’s distracting her or that makes her feel that way. However on your end if that really a big deal breaker and she doesn’t want to have an open conversation like a normal adult. You should maybe start to think about letting her go. There is no point in being in a relationship if you aren’t happy and if you tried to make it work and it doesn’t well…
There might be something else that’s distracting her or that makes her feel that way. However on your end if that really a big deal breaker and she doesn’t want to have an open conversation like a normal adult. You should maybe start to think about letting her go. There is no point in being in a relationship if you aren’t happy and if you tried to make it work and it doesn’t well…
Tell her it's only a joke if both people are laughing. If that doesn't work, I'd stop touching or looking at her when naked. When she asks why, explain it again.
Tell her it's only a joke if both people are laughing. If that doesn't work, I'd stop touching or looking at her when naked. When she asks why, explain it again.
Men have adjusted to new roles. In my last relationship I did 70% of the cooking (something I'm good at and actually enjoy) and more than my share of household chores and upkeep. I kept up both cars, etc. A man's work doesn't end at his paycheck.
You don't have to do anything to fall out of love, sometimes it just happens. Probably not much you could have done different. No contact should wait till after everything is distributed, but given the circumstance not unreasonable
Siiiiiiiir please take a beat. That is a horrible fucking idea. The father needs to be paying child support. And at only 11 months into a relationship, she should absolutely NOT be relying on you for any financial support. This cannot end well for you or her.
She needs to sort out her own financial situation to take care of her children completely separate of your finances. You need to get your head right and realize you’re taking on way too much here. I’m not saying she’s only with you for money, but that’s clearly a huge part of your relationship. Please, I’m begging, sort this out before getting further into the mess.
You are looking at this from a sunken cost perspective. Take that out of the equation.
Your bf wants to date other people. You do not. That is a fundamental, basic incompatibility. The answer is either you compromise and do something you don't want to do or you end the relationship and he can go do whatever it is that he wants. Just a guess, he already has someone in mind.
If people throughout your life have been noticing a need for you to go I'm going to hazard a guess that you need to go. Whether or not it helps you is a mixed bag. You need a therapist you trust and you also need to be open to the process and engage in it honestly.
Yeah, I can only do my part in the relationship. I can't force him to do what he should be doing so I definitely have a lot to think about. Thanks for the advice
Masturbation is a legitimate expression of one's sexuality. He's not under any obligation to have sex with you every time he gets horny if he feels jerking off is more appropriate to his situation.
I will agree that if this becomes an ongoing pattern, where he's consistently jerking off and never having sex with you, and your sex life suffers as a result, it can become problematic and should be addressed as such.
And of course he lied about watching porn. He's not going to tell you the truth about jerking off. Guys do not discuss jerking off with their girlfriends. They just don't. It's a private activity, plus he didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Surround yourself with love. Friends, family, anyone who will give you comfort and not expect you to “be better” or “the person they remember.” People who will just sit in your proximity and let you process at your own pace. It takes time.
Easier said than done, but these are two things that got me through the death of my son. 10 years later and it still hurts, but it will get easier to live alongside the grief and fond new things to live for.
Your bf needs to grow up, imo. You haven't done anything wrong. This is his own hang-up to deal with; he shouldn't be taking his discomfort about it out on you in any way, and I don't think there's anything you can do to help him resolve his feelings on this. If I were in your position, when he brought it up, I would tell him to decide if this is something he can get over or not, but I don't want to hear about a meaningless ONS from two years ago again.
Leave it alone. He’s changed his mind. He used to post her a bunch and clearly that didn’t work out. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand why he might not want to do that again.
If you're already this stressed and feeling grief you know what to Do. Even if your bf tells you that it's not a big deal, it will always be at the back of your mind.
You guys can either go to therapy and have a long talk where you discuss everything sontheres no doubt left in either mind where the future and future expectations lie or you guys can embrace that you're different and move on.
Ultimately the choice is both of yours because you're adults and knownwhat your wants and needs are. And what you can and cannot compromise on and feel comfortable with.
You already know the answer. It's definitely inappropriate and you should have shut it down when you found out, then had a discussion about whether she would like to continue the relationship or not. The trend is not your friend on this one…bad pattern. You better reach an understanding.
So, 1. His rap sounds unoriginal and not very good. I can relate to wanting to be a supportive gf but also not being a good liar and struggling to pretend when the art is just not good. 2. 100% you do not have to be okay with the misogyny or disrespect in his music, even if you are confident he doesn't really feel that way about women. Women in real life, including you, are harmed by the views he's espousing and perpetuating. 3. If you do want to stay with him, it may help to either view his rapping as the same as if it were an acting role. The misogyny and infidelity are part of a pretend (hopefully?) persona he plays on stage. Or, you could remove yourself from it, let him know that the content bothers you, and you support him pursuing something that makes him happy, but you don't want to be involved or gear about it. 4. Stop hinting at what's bothering you, or making a joke of it. Your feelings are valid. “It is hard for me to see the person I love saying hateful things about women, whether you mean them or not.” “I feel embarrassed when you rap about having sex with other women when we are in a monogamous relationship. How would you feel if I was publicly bragging about cheating on you with other men?” I think if you want to, it is possible to separate his rap persona from the person you're in a relationship with, if you are confident that really is not a raging misogynist and he does respect you and your relationship. But you definitely do not have to, and whether you ultimately decide to stay with him or not, you should not be afraid to explicitly say what is bothering you.
It’s her choice, and again, you aren’t there to see any of their interactions, so you can not say for certain what kind of person this guy really is, since you don’t know him from Adam. If she’s willing to work at it to find out, and he’s at least willing to try, who are you to say it’s doomed to fail?
I really appreciate you for saying that. Ppl don’t understand how heartbreaking it can be when this person who made a promise to be with you for life does something like this behind your back.
My life is suddenly so different all because I was nosy and decided to snoop.
Are your eyelashes okay??? Also: that was a very scary and psychosexual thing that happened to you and I’m sorry you felt pressured into doing something before fully knowing what it was.
True, made me miss being able to speak to her parents as I was super close with them. Went of tons of trips with them and they treated me like their son.
I don't see a future here for you. He does not want to be financially responsible for you and has been very open about it. He is not hiding anything or leading you on. Leave him if you want something different.
Do you have plans for your future? You are 25 making minimum wage, can you make it on your own? Find roommates or a room to rent?
I’m commenting on this to get more exposure since my of my posts just end up being ignored or lost.
What the fuck?? You are in an abusive relationship, period. Him not allowing you to have your own money is absolute horseshit and I didn't even keep reading past that.
But he doesn’t see it… it’s an internal issue that if I don’t fix will ruin our relationship. Because I can’t keep being this perfect girlfriend that isn’t actually crippled with negative thoughts all day.
At a certain point, you just have to jump.
It's going to beg messy, it's not going to be smooth, it's not a fantasy world and we can't give you a solution. The girl is not stable. Expect an instable response to your abject rejection.
What you MUST do is
Act within the law in your state or providence Protect yourself and your valuables as best you can by recording in shared and private spaces if possible and relocating assets and big items to a safe place (rent a storage cube if you need to) Take timestamped photos of your property BEFORE you begin the process of eviction Accept that she may react exactly as you fear, be ready to pick up the pieces.
Textbook abusive. You need to leave and no, you shouldn't try to be friends either. She should no longer have access to you at all.
… You shouldn't be with anyone who shames you over masturbation. Even if you weren't masturbating, the fact that he's ready to shame you for it at the drop of a hat is NOT okay. Don't apologize to him. You've done nothing wrong.
You want to be a trauma counsellor but also want to potentially divulge someone’s trauma (if you’re right) without their consent? You don’t help people by doing that. Especially people who have been abused and had their consent already taken away from them. You are taking away his choice on how and when he feels comfortable telling his very private story.
And we don’t even know if he has that sort of trauma, or if your newness to this area is reading the situation wrong.
You want to be a trauma counsellor but also want to potentially divulge someone’s trauma (if you’re right) without their consent? You don’t help people by doing that. Especially people who have been abused and had their consent already taken away from them. You are taking away his choice on how and when he feels comfortable telling his very private story.
And we don’t even know if he has that sort of trauma, or if your newness to this area is reading the situation wrong.
You want to be a trauma counsellor but also want to potentially divulge someone’s trauma (if you’re right) without their consent? You don’t help people by doing that. Especially people who have been abused and had their consent already taken away from them. You are taking away his choice on how and when he feels comfortable telling his very private story.
And we don’t even know if he has that sort of trauma, or if your newness to this area is reading the situation wrong.
I don't know and neither do you that's where the word probably comes from
1 stop calling it your child, 2. Make it clear you aren’t signing birth certificate until a dna test is done. 3. Get a lawyer.
Probably do 3 first.
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The core issue sounds like, regardless of the initial understanding, he's not feeling happy with the lived reality of him working while you pursue a better life. Having hobbies, and being productive in your hobbies, is different than the grind of working to make money.
Repainting/drywall, and similar are things that go quickly, they certainly aren't going to fill your year. A couple of job applications/month is pretty token too, especially if you are including jobs in that count that you have no intention of taking (the comment that you aren't interested in the ones that reply).
His expression of that frustration/jealousy doesn't speak well to his communication style, but to feel frustration/jealousy in the situation is within the normal range of humanity.
Hm. And how long have you been living here?
There might be something else that’s distracting her or that makes her feel that way. However on your end if that really a big deal breaker and she doesn’t want to have an open conversation like a normal adult. You should maybe start to think about letting her go. There is no point in being in a relationship if you aren’t happy and if you tried to make it work and it doesn’t well…
There might be something else that’s distracting her or that makes her feel that way. However on your end if that really a big deal breaker and she doesn’t want to have an open conversation like a normal adult. You should maybe start to think about letting her go. There is no point in being in a relationship if you aren’t happy and if you tried to make it work and it doesn’t well…
Tell her it's only a joke if both people are laughing. If that doesn't work, I'd stop touching or looking at her when naked. When she asks why, explain it again.
Tell her it's only a joke if both people are laughing. If that doesn't work, I'd stop touching or looking at her when naked. When she asks why, explain it again.
You should make that clear in your wedding vows then, if/when you get married.
You cannot make those commonly used vows because you aren’t willing to stick around if things get tough.
Men have adjusted to new roles. In my last relationship I did 70% of the cooking (something I'm good at and actually enjoy) and more than my share of household chores and upkeep. I kept up both cars, etc. A man's work doesn't end at his paycheck.
And his friends are arseholes.
And what did she do?
You don't have to do anything to fall out of love, sometimes it just happens. Probably not much you could have done different. No contact should wait till after everything is distributed, but given the circumstance not unreasonable
Haha I bet the friend is annoyed bc he’s no longer unavailable so he’s boring again.
Siiiiiiiir please take a beat. That is a horrible fucking idea. The father needs to be paying child support. And at only 11 months into a relationship, she should absolutely NOT be relying on you for any financial support. This cannot end well for you or her.
She needs to sort out her own financial situation to take care of her children completely separate of your finances. You need to get your head right and realize you’re taking on way too much here. I’m not saying she’s only with you for money, but that’s clearly a huge part of your relationship. Please, I’m begging, sort this out before getting further into the mess.
You are looking at this from a sunken cost perspective. Take that out of the equation.
Your bf wants to date other people. You do not. That is a fundamental, basic incompatibility. The answer is either you compromise and do something you don't want to do or you end the relationship and he can go do whatever it is that he wants. Just a guess, he already has someone in mind.
If people throughout your life have been noticing a need for you to go I'm going to hazard a guess that you need to go. Whether or not it helps you is a mixed bag. You need a therapist you trust and you also need to be open to the process and engage in it honestly.
Yeah, I can only do my part in the relationship. I can't force him to do what he should be doing so I definitely have a lot to think about. Thanks for the advice
A convo would be great. But I think u should clarify the circumstances.
Are u both virgins?
I ask this cause ur question is weighted a little bit differently if so.
Masturbation is a legitimate expression of one's sexuality. He's not under any obligation to have sex with you every time he gets horny if he feels jerking off is more appropriate to his situation.
I will agree that if this becomes an ongoing pattern, where he's consistently jerking off and never having sex with you, and your sex life suffers as a result, it can become problematic and should be addressed as such.
And of course he lied about watching porn. He's not going to tell you the truth about jerking off. Guys do not discuss jerking off with their girlfriends. They just don't. It's a private activity, plus he didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Therapy is priority 1.
Surround yourself with love. Friends, family, anyone who will give you comfort and not expect you to “be better” or “the person they remember.” People who will just sit in your proximity and let you process at your own pace. It takes time.
Easier said than done, but these are two things that got me through the death of my son. 10 years later and it still hurts, but it will get easier to live alongside the grief and fond new things to live for.
Hang in there. I'm sorry for your loss.
He broke up with me
Your bf needs to grow up, imo. You haven't done anything wrong. This is his own hang-up to deal with; he shouldn't be taking his discomfort about it out on you in any way, and I don't think there's anything you can do to help him resolve his feelings on this. If I were in your position, when he brought it up, I would tell him to decide if this is something he can get over or not, but I don't want to hear about a meaningless ONS from two years ago again.
Leave it alone. He’s changed his mind. He used to post her a bunch and clearly that didn’t work out. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand why he might not want to do that again.
Age gap we meet again.
If you're already this stressed and feeling grief you know what to Do. Even if your bf tells you that it's not a big deal, it will always be at the back of your mind.
You guys can either go to therapy and have a long talk where you discuss everything sontheres no doubt left in either mind where the future and future expectations lie or you guys can embrace that you're different and move on.
Ultimately the choice is both of yours because you're adults and knownwhat your wants and needs are. And what you can and cannot compromise on and feel comfortable with.
You already know the answer. It's definitely inappropriate and you should have shut it down when you found out, then had a discussion about whether she would like to continue the relationship or not. The trend is not your friend on this one…bad pattern. You better reach an understanding.
Giving the kid the silent treatment should be the last straw. Lawyer up. Divorce.
So, 1. His rap sounds unoriginal and not very good. I can relate to wanting to be a supportive gf but also not being a good liar and struggling to pretend when the art is just not good. 2. 100% you do not have to be okay with the misogyny or disrespect in his music, even if you are confident he doesn't really feel that way about women. Women in real life, including you, are harmed by the views he's espousing and perpetuating. 3. If you do want to stay with him, it may help to either view his rapping as the same as if it were an acting role. The misogyny and infidelity are part of a pretend (hopefully?) persona he plays on stage. Or, you could remove yourself from it, let him know that the content bothers you, and you support him pursuing something that makes him happy, but you don't want to be involved or gear about it. 4. Stop hinting at what's bothering you, or making a joke of it. Your feelings are valid. “It is hard for me to see the person I love saying hateful things about women, whether you mean them or not.” “I feel embarrassed when you rap about having sex with other women when we are in a monogamous relationship. How would you feel if I was publicly bragging about cheating on you with other men?” I think if you want to, it is possible to separate his rap persona from the person you're in a relationship with, if you are confident that really is not a raging misogynist and he does respect you and your relationship. But you definitely do not have to, and whether you ultimately decide to stay with him or not, you should not be afraid to explicitly say what is bothering you.
It’s her choice, and again, you aren’t there to see any of their interactions, so you can not say for certain what kind of person this guy really is, since you don’t know him from Adam. If she’s willing to work at it to find out, and he’s at least willing to try, who are you to say it’s doomed to fail?
This is terrible advice.
I really appreciate you for saying that. Ppl don’t understand how heartbreaking it can be when this person who made a promise to be with you for life does something like this behind your back.
My life is suddenly so different all because I was nosy and decided to snoop.
Are your eyelashes okay??? Also: that was a very scary and psychosexual thing that happened to you and I’m sorry you felt pressured into doing something before fully knowing what it was.
So you're just sorry she caught you. You thought apologizing would get you off the hook but it didn't. Now you're big sad you face consequences.
Welcome to adulthood
True, made me miss being able to speak to her parents as I was super close with them. Went of tons of trips with them and they treated me like their son.
Explain? She sent a guy THE SAME PICS she sent you on Valentine’s Day. Any explanation will be a lie.
“I went through your phone and saw that you sent booty pics to another guy on Valentine’s Day. I hope you’re very happy together. I’m done.”
You’re complaining about your girlfriend who’s 7 years younger than you being immature, just think about that
Report her
It might happen that your mother was raised like you and grown up not knowing how to take care of herself or worst take care of a child.
But you have more access to information and awareness and can break this cycle.
I don't see a future here for you. He does not want to be financially responsible for you and has been very open about it. He is not hiding anything or leading you on. Leave him if you want something different.
Do you have plans for your future? You are 25 making minimum wage, can you make it on your own? Find roommates or a room to rent?
All I hear is a petulant child regarding Australia. You aren’t owed a vacation. You aren’t entitled to anything that your parents have earned.