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Lil Maya, 21 y.o.
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Date: October 4, 2022
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I never will. I will FORGET them (they are dead to me) but I will never forgive them. As for the person you are talking about, forgive if YOU want to, but do NOT take them back. Ever.
He might say he loves you, he might even think he does, but in the end he loves himself way more than he respects you.
He feels entitled to satisfy his needs outside your relationship and without your consent. As long as you don't know, he thinks you're not hurt so it's ok to betray you.
He had sex with guys in the past, so it's not a one time thing to “discover his sexuality”. He clearly won't stop having urges to have sex with guys, and he will act on it in secret like he did this time if he thinks you're not on board with this.
If you're not ok with being constantly betrayed and having to share him with guys, break up. He needs to mature, let go of his selfishness and learn to respect his partners.
I have a professional, but I still share with my friends, just as they share with me. He isn’t my predominant ‘emotional outlet’ and he doesn’t act as a therapist. We just share.
I’m not judging if what they are doing is right or wrong, just that I don’t wish to be part of it, if those are the rules of the game and so do the rest of the friends, which he is upset by.
Because people try things, because people make mistakes, because people change, because people have pasts.
You need to break up with him. He doesn't deserve your abuse because he had a life that you don't agree with.
It's not always a big deal, but a 23 year old dating a 17 year old doesn't exactly give me the warm fuzzies.
I suspect that he likes being in control of you and a kid would wreck that control. The longer he can keep you from getting pregnant, the higher the likelihood that he can prevent you from ever getting pregnant. You should consider the ticking clock and move quickly if having kids is this important to you.
She cheated on you not once but twice. What is her mindset? what excuse did she have?
Please figure out why you ever allowed yourself to treat another human that way and work on fixing it.
Just find a girlfriend who can be faithful.
I'll try thank you
Yeah…I never said she was in the right for her reaction. But we shouldn’t pretend she just started screaming out of the blue
Culture has programmed men to associate penis size with sexual prowess. Women see and experience penises during sex, and thus understand that size ≠ good sex (just like a tight pussy or whatever ≠ good sex), but rather how it is used and a lot of other factors are what add up to good sex. But straight men do not see or experience other men’s penises, the only representation of other dicks we see is in porn, where the penises are usually much bigger than average. So what we see is guys with huge dicks sending women into convulsive passion, and even though we know it is “fake,” the association between horse cocks and sexual prowess sticks.
Dudes reinforce this amongst each other as well. Guys make fun of each other over penis size, call each other “pencil dick” and shit, describe less masculine men as having small dicks. We perpetuate this ourselves and bear some of the blame.
Women themselves perpetuate this as well. Every guy has heard a woman belittle an ex as having a little dick. Online, women talk about masculine men as having “big dick energy.” The inverse, “little dick energy” is obviously not good.
So, when you discuss an ex’s larger penis with your partner, you are competing with everything he has heard and seen about penises his entire life that is telling him that smaller = lesser. “Big ones hurt, yours doesn’t” is not helpful. “Yours feels better though” sounds like a lie.
I’m personally decently north of average, and I would get weird if my partner discussed an ex’s larger penis. I know that women like what I do with it, been with dozens of partners, and would personally have a hard time with your statement. Idk your boyfriends sexual history, but it takes a lot of positive reinforcement from partners for most average dudes to feel comfortable with their size.
So there’s that. Honestly, moving forward there’s nothing you can really do or say to address what was said. All you can really do is show your appreciation for his penis moving forward. He’s gonna have a complex for a little while. Just is what it is.
And to the people that go “that’s just his own insecurities”… yeah, so? In a relationship, you probably know your partner’s soft spots. If you poke the soft spots, that’s just mean. You protect and reassure your partner where they’re weakest, not tell them to get the fuck over it. Everyone has insecurities lol
indeed it is. my wife is literally the only reason im here now… i spiraled way out of control and contemplated suicide for a few months after all that went down… i was in a real bad place…. what she saw in me is beyond me but as soon as we met it just clicked… shes been my rock ever since. I cannot picture my life without her and never want to. shes given me two beautiful daughters and all the love i can carry. people can be terrible… the story for them ended up being worst than i wrote here as i know more of what went down in the aftermath of becky and i's “lunch” but i can honestly say that i feel nothing when i think of either one of them. I dont need to see them… ever. will not do so intentionally ever again.
I don’t mean this to be snarky or anything, but being right doesn’t mean you shouldn’t apologize.
If I refused sex with my wife in a way that made her feel bad, I would apologize. The very large BUT, is that she shouldn’t feel entitled to my sex at all times and I would expect an apology too.
OP needs to talk it out with their wife, but these conversations need to be delicately firm because it’s very easy to misinterpret or say the wrong thing. OP’s wants weren’t heard, and OP’s wife assumed her sex was better than her cooking (lol). She is definitely in the wrong. Unfortunately if both aren’t going to be deliberate on how they approach things, it will probably go badly.
She knew, she was a friend of ours and his coworker.
End this relationship. Asap.
From his shit show side
Yeah, you're not in the wrong here. I can't fathom why anyone would do something like that beyond immaturity. Even intoxication wouldn't bring about that kind of behavior in front of someone you supposedly like. Yeah, I don't get it. I'm sorry OP
My goodness you are precious.
I’m so sorry. I think it’s important to keep things in mind, regardless of how hard it will be. She will admit to what you tell her to admit to at this point, probably. But remember, she will still not be admitting to anything you don’t have perfect proof of. If you don’t have proof and force her to admit that she said awful things about you that would be divorce worthy in themselves, she will not tell you. And when you find out and she does, she will cry more and try to make your relationship instincts turn on and comfort her. Remember, you’re the victim.
She will say she wants to be with you, and MAYBE agree to cut him off. If so, almost as a rule she will start up contact or he will and it will resume. Or she will say she loves you both and isn’t sure, and try to guilt trip you into letting her keep “talking” to him. She will continue to keep “talking” to him and tell you periodically that you’re controlling despite the fact she has cheated on you.
OP, this is a nightmare, I know. Find someone you can confide in— NOT HER. NOT HER FRIENDS. She will use it against you as soon as it’s to her advantage. She’s already been using your suspicions of the affair she’s in against you, yelling at you that they’re only friends. She will use every other emotion, no matter how valid, against you.
Resist the urge to smoke/drink yourself into oblivion. There will be plenty of time for that later, but right now, you need to get your ducks in a row.
If there's any way for you to get screenshots of it and send it to yourself, do it ASAP. Then contact a divorce attorney.
Keep her in the dark if you can because if she catches wind of what's happening and divorces you first, you'll be taken to the fucking cleaners.
DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME! If you do, she will get it.
We have both read and taken on all the feedback below.
Good, all too often I read of people who ignore the advice of others, and it blows up in their face unsurprisingly.
She has deleted him on all platforms
Good, that is the bare minimum she could do tbh.
and said the reason why she wanted to talk is because she felt lonely. I have read their conversations and they were non-sexual other than when I joined in at the beginning.
It's understandable that if she was lonely she would reach out for frienship, not to be railed by another guy… wtf.
In some ways this hurt me more because she was confiding in someone who wasn’t me
The thing is, that is normal to confide in other people, that's what got you in this situation in the first place. She should have other people to confide into other than yourself.
We have both agreed to communicate more going forwards
Good, communication is key to a happy life (or an amicable part).
She has stated she feels stuck in the past mentally and wants to feel like she’s 18 again when she first met me. She said the feeling she had talking to someone new brought her back to that time and feels incredibly lonely. She doesn’t have many friends and we are together pretty much all of the time (both wfh so 24/7 practically)
This sounds awfully like justification for cheating, or justification for future cheating. It doesn't sound like she did thankfully but at the same time being lonely is no excuse for cheating, if you're unhappy in your monogamous relationship then you either need to communicate effectively or hit the 'eject' button. It sounds like you weren't receptive to her needs, but equally she also did not communicate effectively. Understand the motivations but not excuse poor behaviour.
I know I need to work harder to make her feel listened to and mixing fantasy with loneliness clearly wasn’t a good idea.
And equally she needs to communicate better, this is not all on you my dude and that's what I get from your update. You both had an equal hand in this situation and how it happened. Luckily you got the heebie jeebies before anything happened because it doesn't sound like there would any going back if you had gone through with it.
If it doesn’t work then so be it, but the fact that she has been so open after reading all of your messages is promising
Good, I hope that your update is just painting a poor picture on how you are both taking this as your update makes it sound like you're shouldering all of the blame for her loneliness which I think is a bad take on what happened. If she had no communication how would you even know how she was feeling as you're not inside her head, and if she did communicate and you didn't listen then why did she focus on fucking another guy rather than just saying “hey man, I'm out”. It takes 2 to tango and you're both responsible for things working or not, equally.
If you both focus on communication and honesty, you'll both be all right.
Sounds like it could be depression? Maybe try to have a conversation with him, see how he’s feeling
Because I'm a top performer. You wouldn't believe how much cost I was able to cut and how much revenue I was able to churn out in my 4 years in this company. More than what the older men were able to do in a decade.
The way he spoke to me no it wasnt
why would you keep meeting up with him after the many red flags he had given?
I know a lot of people in long-term open relationships that work for them. If both partners agree to whatever the boundaries are and stick to them, that’s the key. When one violates the boundaries they’ve agreed upon together, not so much.
Anyway, you’re welcome to your opinion and judgement.
Dont worry! I saw u were here and were listening to both sides and thats a good thing. Anything I said about being forceful and weirdos isnt applied to you, it was to commentators who were pushing that rethoric. Im glad u came here with open ears and listened to both sides