Im a Muslim girl in my 20s too in the us, I don’t advice you to run away since ur not financially independent but I do advice u not to marry this man no matter what. Why did you go back home instead of taking stand for yourself while u were in us?
I was in the same place as you a few years back and I took the decision to break it off while I was in us and made my self financially independent. Yes, my parents were upset and people talked but you have to be strong and think for yourself. I’m very glad I did now.
But right now that ur back home, the best advice I can give you is get engaged, come back to the states and then break it off at all costs. After that work jobs, become independent and do what u think is right. You are allowed to think for yourself in Islam and forced marriages are prohibited. Do not follow culture blindly, you will regret forced choices that were not made by u. It was tough for me too, I thought my life was going to end if I disobeyed my loving parents but I’m so proud of my choices and the strength I showed during my difficult phase. I hope you get out of this situation safely and wish you all the best, you can always dm me if you need to talk.
I would not want my significant other to have any feelings at all for any ex. If my wife needed another man’s approval he can have her. She probably needs therapy. Probably has some ptsd from abuse or she still loves him.
Damn that was harsh lol I don't do that at all. She barely even sees her grandchild as is. Only once a month maybe twice so I'm thinking she just isn't very invested.
So then I hope you understand where I’m coming from. It’s not like I’d ever believe that my girlfriend would ever hold it over me, but at the same time I don’t want her to be the one having to take care of me. I’ll gladly give her the food off my plate and the shirt off my back but I can’t accept it the other way around. It doesn’t sit right with me personally
Thank you. I didn't feel like you were debating me, I'm just trying to challenge things for anyone on my “side” so I'm not just in an echo chamber, you know?
I think a lot of things you say ring true, I just love him (derp) so it's a painful extrication, and I also have a lot of self-doubt cos I know I'm not perfect and am unsure if, as he often says, I have standards that are unreasonably high or unattainable.
I really really appreciate all your words and I'll be re-reading comments in this thread and mulling them over over the next few days. I don't want to make any rash decisions, but I also want to try to be objective, too.
Sorry to be that guy but there isn't really much you can do if he's keeping them to himself. You gave them to him. If you find that he starts spreading them then there is legal action you can take. But until then, you don't have any leverage.
It sounds like you both wanted different things in your lives. She wanted to settle down; you don't want to do that yet. You want to go abroad and continue your education. Both are valid life choices, but they aren't necessarily compatible. Where you went wrong was that you accepted the offer without talking to her first; you made the decision on your own that your relationship would become long distance without even giving her a heads' up. She's not wrong; the way you seem to have gone about this was not great. I wish you luck as you move to Ireland and begin medical school. In your next relationship, I think you should prioritize communicating with your partner and considering their feelings when it comes to major life decisions.
Never change yourself for women. Any woman. Be true to who you are & don't compromise yourself based off whimsical impulses. You need to be the rock in the relationship, & conforming to her will only shake your own confidence. This is a shit test friend, don't buy it.
Do he was accepting of you when you first met but seems to be changing his mind after you moved in together? Doesn't that kind of feel like now that he has you living with him he doesn't have to be on his best behavior anymore? You can't just go home if he's a jerk to you now, and now you're more invested
Listen honey, she is 16 years his junior. Barely even entering adulthood. In some places she can't even legally drink or sign a marriage certificate w/o mommy and daddy yet. She is at that prime age where men his age are likely to abuse, it doesn't even have to be physical abuse either. I'd be pretty suspension of anyone sexually interested in someone that young with such an age gap.
she has a fantasy idea of what she wants and you aren’t a mind reader. “if he wanted to he would” is for the guys who wait until the day of to get their gf some leftover roses and cellophane chocolate out of obligation. it’s not even until next week and she’s already acting like this? if i was you i wouldn’t take her out to dinner or anything like that, she’s devaluing the planning you did because she wants to be fawned over a week before the actual holiday. who knows if it’ll even be enough for her?
I think it’s very difficult to explain the full story of our relationship, but he fills every other expectation I have. He cares deeply for me, we have very healthy communication, he’s honest, and he’s the first person to ever understand me fully. I’ve never met anyone who can do that. It’s just when it comes to initiation and the romantic stuff he’s not great at. I’m still trying to figure out if it’s a deal breaker for me. But thank you for the advice, I appreciate it.
You don’t need to read any messages to know you’re in a struggling relationship in regards to sex. She is who she is, so decide from there. None of this, ‘let me try to convince her to have a better character’ shit.
You should consider posting this on r/HLCommunity where there are other folks who have had similar problems. At least you'll feel a bit less alone, even if you can't find any good solutions.
something like this shows such a high level of immaturity absence from reality and stupidity not to mention trust issues that there absolutely no way I would ever stay with someone after doing this. That’s just me tho
The wound is still fairly fresh. It’s going to take a while before you will trust someone again. Taking your time to heal and become stronger will benefit you so much. Stick with your therapy and focus on healing for now. You’re a great guy. There is someone special out there who will love you and not hurt you.
If you immediately tear someone down because they have something positive in their life you are literally the definition of an asshole. There is nothing that this dude is doing in real life that will redeem that behavior.
If you immediately tear someone down because they have something positive in their life you are literally the definition of an asshole. There is nothing that this dude is doing in real life that will redeem that behavior.
I know he isn't obligated to tell me about his past, but we've made an agreement to be open about these kinds of things (so they don't cause any problems later on). I'm not forcing him to do anything. He has said that he'd want to know if I was hanging out or talking with an old hookup, so I think it's only fair if I get the same treatment.
A lot of guys associate bars and pubs with hookup culture. And guys will assume (wrongly many times) that an accompanied woman drinking in a bar is looking for company. Before we got married, my wife went to a bar with a friend of hers for a drink. She said that within minutes a guy sidled up to their table and started hitting on the friend. My wife said her friend did nothing to dissuade the guy's attentions – even though she was engaged at the time. It was the last time my wife went to a bar with her friend – she didn't like the situation she was finding herself in.
How dare he have a bodily function!!!
?
Im 21 and I do?
2 guys a year is a lot to me what the hell? maybe it's an attractive person thing
completely agree. lay all that shit on the table FIRST.
You said your cousin repulses you then later you said you could be really happy with him and he’s a really good guy?
Which is it? Both of those things cannot be true
Im a Muslim girl in my 20s too in the us, I don’t advice you to run away since ur not financially independent but I do advice u not to marry this man no matter what. Why did you go back home instead of taking stand for yourself while u were in us?
I was in the same place as you a few years back and I took the decision to break it off while I was in us and made my self financially independent. Yes, my parents were upset and people talked but you have to be strong and think for yourself. I’m very glad I did now.
But right now that ur back home, the best advice I can give you is get engaged, come back to the states and then break it off at all costs. After that work jobs, become independent and do what u think is right. You are allowed to think for yourself in Islam and forced marriages are prohibited. Do not follow culture blindly, you will regret forced choices that were not made by u. It was tough for me too, I thought my life was going to end if I disobeyed my loving parents but I’m so proud of my choices and the strength I showed during my difficult phase. I hope you get out of this situation safely and wish you all the best, you can always dm me if you need to talk.
I would not want my significant other to have any feelings at all for any ex. If my wife needed another man’s approval he can have her. She probably needs therapy. Probably has some ptsd from abuse or she still loves him.
Damn that was harsh lol I don't do that at all. She barely even sees her grandchild as is. Only once a month maybe twice so I'm thinking she just isn't very invested.
Just be honest with her about how you feel. And don’t string her along or let her do the same to you. Be respectful, but clear.
*Husband
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So then I hope you understand where I’m coming from. It’s not like I’d ever believe that my girlfriend would ever hold it over me, but at the same time I don’t want her to be the one having to take care of me. I’ll gladly give her the food off my plate and the shirt off my back but I can’t accept it the other way around. It doesn’t sit right with me personally
Thank you. I didn't feel like you were debating me, I'm just trying to challenge things for anyone on my “side” so I'm not just in an echo chamber, you know?
I think a lot of things you say ring true, I just love him (derp) so it's a painful extrication, and I also have a lot of self-doubt cos I know I'm not perfect and am unsure if, as he often says, I have standards that are unreasonably high or unattainable.
I really really appreciate all your words and I'll be re-reading comments in this thread and mulling them over over the next few days. I don't want to make any rash decisions, but I also want to try to be objective, too.
Sorry to be that guy but there isn't really much you can do if he's keeping them to himself. You gave them to him. If you find that he starts spreading them then there is legal action you can take. But until then, you don't have any leverage.
I recorded a conversation, an hour long discussion on how he would care for the child, would that hold up in court?
That’s so fucked up!
It sounds like you both wanted different things in your lives. She wanted to settle down; you don't want to do that yet. You want to go abroad and continue your education. Both are valid life choices, but they aren't necessarily compatible. Where you went wrong was that you accepted the offer without talking to her first; you made the decision on your own that your relationship would become long distance without even giving her a heads' up. She's not wrong; the way you seem to have gone about this was not great. I wish you luck as you move to Ireland and begin medical school. In your next relationship, I think you should prioritize communicating with your partner and considering their feelings when it comes to major life decisions.
Never change yourself for women. Any woman. Be true to who you are & don't compromise yourself based off whimsical impulses. You need to be the rock in the relationship, & conforming to her will only shake your own confidence. This is a shit test friend, don't buy it.
She has lied to you and will continue to do so. Ending it is the right choice.
Limbo is a good way to describe it. I was looking for this kind of word.
Do he was accepting of you when you first met but seems to be changing his mind after you moved in together? Doesn't that kind of feel like now that he has you living with him he doesn't have to be on his best behavior anymore? You can't just go home if he's a jerk to you now, and now you're more invested
Sounds like gaslighting. Has something similar happened before?
Listen honey, she is 16 years his junior. Barely even entering adulthood. In some places she can't even legally drink or sign a marriage certificate w/o mommy and daddy yet. She is at that prime age where men his age are likely to abuse, it doesn't even have to be physical abuse either. I'd be pretty suspension of anyone sexually interested in someone that young with such an age gap.
You’re not. Your bf is entirely using you here hon.
she has a fantasy idea of what she wants and you aren’t a mind reader. “if he wanted to he would” is for the guys who wait until the day of to get their gf some leftover roses and cellophane chocolate out of obligation. it’s not even until next week and she’s already acting like this? if i was you i wouldn’t take her out to dinner or anything like that, she’s devaluing the planning you did because she wants to be fawned over a week before the actual holiday. who knows if it’ll even be enough for her?
I think it’s very difficult to explain the full story of our relationship, but he fills every other expectation I have. He cares deeply for me, we have very healthy communication, he’s honest, and he’s the first person to ever understand me fully. I’ve never met anyone who can do that. It’s just when it comes to initiation and the romantic stuff he’s not great at. I’m still trying to figure out if it’s a deal breaker for me. But thank you for the advice, I appreciate it.
Thank you I really appreciate that.
Ok, which is a prospect of how many years?
You don’t need to read any messages to know you’re in a struggling relationship in regards to sex. She is who she is, so decide from there. None of this, ‘let me try to convince her to have a better character’ shit.
You should consider posting this on r/HLCommunity where there are other folks who have had similar problems. At least you'll feel a bit less alone, even if you can't find any good solutions.
something like this shows such a high level of immaturity absence from reality and stupidity not to mention trust issues that there absolutely no way I would ever stay with someone after doing this. That’s just me tho
It's definitely a fetish.
Asians are a small part of the population.
No way in hell he has just run into only Asian girls without seeking them out for being Asian specifically.
That means he is befriending them for being Asian.
The fact that he only has photos of himself or him with Asian women and no one else always point to fetishihg.
No way in hell you can manage to not posy anyone else unless you're going out of your way.
The way you talk about this man… i bet he didn’t cry when he saw you walk down the aisle either. He sounds like a real winner…
I can’t get over that he also thinks this is ok to have his employees do.
The wound is still fairly fresh. It’s going to take a while before you will trust someone again. Taking your time to heal and become stronger will benefit you so much. Stick with your therapy and focus on healing for now. You’re a great guy. There is someone special out there who will love you and not hurt you.
it says “people who can see your location will appear here” & no one is there
She should be in jail. I get the best friend was 18 and legally an adult but nope. She belongs in prison. Not a therapists office.
Girl. Girl. Personality 6/10? Looks 7/10? Then why the fuck is he with you? Easy booty call? Dump the POS via text.
Exactly
If you immediately tear someone down because they have something positive in their life you are literally the definition of an asshole. There is nothing that this dude is doing in real life that will redeem that behavior.
If you immediately tear someone down because they have something positive in their life you are literally the definition of an asshole. There is nothing that this dude is doing in real life that will redeem that behavior.
Yes, I work a part-time job and I receive SSI
I just love this for you two! Sometimes, you just feel the need to speak out loud.
I know he isn't obligated to tell me about his past, but we've made an agreement to be open about these kinds of things (so they don't cause any problems later on). I'm not forcing him to do anything. He has said that he'd want to know if I was hanging out or talking with an old hookup, so I think it's only fair if I get the same treatment.
A lot of guys associate bars and pubs with hookup culture. And guys will assume (wrongly many times) that an accompanied woman drinking in a bar is looking for company. Before we got married, my wife went to a bar with a friend of hers for a drink. She said that within minutes a guy sidled up to their table and started hitting on the friend. My wife said her friend did nothing to dissuade the guy's attentions – even though she was engaged at the time. It was the last time my wife went to a bar with her friend – she didn't like the situation she was finding herself in.
Men do this for attention
It's ok, I'm getting down voted too if that make you feel better ?