You are not a bad person if you want to break up and have a chance at the life you want. She is no longer the same person and she has no feeling. Maybe offer her friendship but move on to make yourself happy.
Yes it makes sense, but I disagree with your statement that you weren’t abused. You witnessed your brother being physically abused regularly and your mother told you you were her punishment for being gay. It took me a very long time to realize I was abused because I wasn’t being physically beaten, but I was beaten down mentally
How about you? Have you ever taken his approach to anything? It might feel good.
No. I'm the type of person where being angry and holding grudges expells energy. I'd be miserable if I stayed mad about small shit people did to me all the time. I'm not going to let someone bully me but if its just a situation that makes me roll my eyes, I'm not going to make a big deal of it.
Can you provide other examples such as this event?
He generally likes to make goofy faces at assholes in traffic because he just won't ignore him. He will even do it from the passengers seat in my car if someone cuts me off. He got upset once because his sister was embarrassed and told him to stop. Like I said, just petty shit.
I mean I obviously have had a long talk with her about this, I care about her a lot and want to help her. I made sure to frame my advice on a way that isn't me telling her what to do to get my way either if you are thinking that, I genuinely do try to help her best I can.
I'm asking about this specific aspect of the situation because it's the part that makes it more complicated, not because it's the only thing on my mind
I (26F) think my mom (53F) forced me to get on birth control to sabotage my relationship. (40M) TLDR – I think my mom forced me into using birth control to mess with my hormones and sabotage my relationship. I want to confront her about it.
what do you get out of this? are you that lonely? just stop with this shit
I'm calling bullsh*t on this one, sorry – no way that 9 days ago she found this out and she already has divorce paperwork written up and submitted to the courthouse. It would take longer than that to get an appointment with a lawyer. You don't divorce someone in a week. ESP if kids are involved.
And Child Support is for the kids, not the adult, and in some states you are legally obligated to pay it regardless of what your property settlement agreement is.
Honestly I'd suggest therapy. It sounds like you have some deeply ingrained shame surrounding sex, which it would be useful to get to the bottom of.
Sex is a very intimate act, and I fully support not wanting to do it with just anyone, but it's also not magical and sacred.
I'd work through your views with a therapist to help you reach a more balanced outlook. You took this intimate step with someone you love. No one can promise anyone forever, and married couples get divorced. Like a lot. There's no reason for you to be feeling shame and regret. I'm not trying to discount your feelings, I'm just trying to say I think you're making yourself feeling bad unnecessarily, and it's worth exploring why, in the hope you can stop.
You will regret it, but you'll only realize it once you experience more relationships. It sounds like you've been dating for 2 years already. The pro sides of your girlfriend: attractive, intelligent, ambitious, sweet and you have a great sex life. Cons: she wants to communicate during the day, since you only see each other that sparsely. This is a completely normal behavior. It's called being present without being physically present.
You mention she nitpicks and points out you can never do things right. What are those things? Is it that she is being unreasonable or you are extrapolating her comments to make you feel less guilty of things you might not be doing?
You even said yourself majority of the times things are great, but you just wonder if another girl would be better -> which from the sounds of it means someone who is willing to be a part-time partner who only communicates when you want to and doesn't “ruin” your vibe.
You are still young, and you'll learn that you had something great later down the road. It will just be another of the many lessons we all learn in our lives.
Your partner may not have any other parenting strategies. Parenting is hard and if he was spanked as a kid, he probably doesn't have any other strategies. If he's open to doing better, see if you can find parenting classes or books that talk about parenting Autistic kiddos so he can build his library of tools.
Hey champion, sorry you’re feeling this way. I just want to say firstly, that unless you were deliberately trying to be hurtful and mean for no reason, you should not feel guilty or bad for telling her you are not looking forward to marriage. At all. One could argue that it was no different to her asking to open the relationship. An honest opinion, but one that has been hurtful to you (whatever her intentions).
Nevertheless, I’ll share my thoughts on the matter. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time, and on reddit it’s difficult to gather a full picture of the situation, but what I find revealing is the language people use and the examples they cite.
In this case, I noted a few things in your story that made me pause.
Firstly, you appeared to be a monogamous person (as most of us are), who put aside what you wanted and put at risk your feelings, to accomodate someone who has always presented herself the same way. Good on you. A HUGE thing to do for someone that takes loads of courage and love.
Since then, you have learned that the person you were before was pretty close to who you really are. This is great because it seems that at 29 you are pretty in touch with yourself. And I don’t just mean from a monogamous point of view, but values, priorities and interests. All the really important life-long stuff and things you’d be doing partner or not.
Now here’s the tricky part. It sounds to me like she is in a different place, she is still exploring which on its own is not a bad thing, except it appears to be at your expense.
Given that you seem to be a good communicator and that you talk all the time, she will no doubt be aware that you aren’t as happy as you were, perhaps you have words because she is prioritising her hedonistic lifestyle over family stuff, I don’t know, but there can be no doubt that your body language and demeanour tell the story beyond just words.
So in my mind either a) she realises what she’s doing is hurtful but doesn’t care, or b) is not paying attention to her partner because she is fully focussed on herself.
If it’s option a, then you should end it now. You don’t want to waste any more time with someone who would willingly steamroll your feelings for their own interest in exploring (to be honest friend, my gut is telling me this is the case).
However if it is option b) then it is time for a reciprocal display of courage and love. And if she is as courageous and as loving for you, as you are for her, then she will be able to get your relationship back on track by making a gesture just like you did.
So here’s what I would suggest you do. I would suggest that you give consideration to what you think would make you happy, think about what your relationship would be like, what you would spend your time doing together as a couple and what you would pursue individually. Imagine your ideal scenario, down to the things you would want to be doing and what you wouldn’t want to be doing.
For example, you would want to be going to family reunions with a partner that treated them as importantly as you do, you would want to be travelling frequently with a partner that was as keen to explore new places as you are, and it seems, you would want to be in a monogamous relationship with someone who is just as keen to jump your bones, as you are hers.
Try to avoid contextualising things by what you used to do compared to whats happening bow. try to focus on specifically what you want. Be hedonistic – describe your perfect wife and perfect life.
Close your eyes and do that for a second now….
Take a second before you read the next sentence….
Now ask yourself whether it was her you were imagining or not her.
Your instinct might have the answer you are looking for, and I think you know what I’m saying here. If she’s not in there, then she’s not the one. If she was, then it’s time to have a chat, but prepare first.
Prepare your thoughts and words if you can; imagine what a councillor would suggest in terms of phrasing things. Try to avoid saying negative things about what she has done and is doing, try to focus on things that are aspirational and refer to the type of relationship you want, as opposed to what you want her to do.
Then you must ask her the question, does she want to go there with you, or not. Give her time, don’t press for a decision today or tomorrow, but let her know that this is not a 6-month decision. More like a week or so to mull it over.
Make it clear that you are not mad, you are not trying to control her, and that this is about what you want from life and what you need from a partner to be happy. If that’s not her then that is ok.
I would try to avoid making her feel bad for her choices, that can lead to arguments just for arguments sake.
If she decides that she wants to give you what you want and commits and does it, then she will have shown you the same respect, courage and love you showed her. Which should be cherished and appreciated. If not, then you know you need to move on (btw, if this would be particularly difficult, then I would begin making discrete preparations).
One final caveat. If she has been experimenting with party drugs like x or is exploring her sexuality with dudes, then that’s a super tough call. These things can be phases or life-altering, and I would say in either case, really prepare for the worst because that’s a different type of exploration and in my experience not something that can be easily let go of just because someone (even someone really really important to you) asks. Drugs, most likely a phase, sexuality perhaps less so.
Good luck out there champion, you seem really well put together, and you deserve to have a fulfilling and happy life. And great sex with someone as keen to have it with you as you are with them
He doesn’t believe in therapy but does believe in hookups. #smh It sounds like he wants an easy (and pleasurable) fix to what he sees as the “problem.”
Yea I'm getting that now.. to be honest it's a comment he made that made me overthink. He said it has never happened before even when he was with someone he thought wasn't attractive. And for me this has never happened so I got a little insecure.
I'm sure you've asked yourself these questions, but just in case:
Has anything like this (cheating etc) ever happened before? Has he had any previous trouble from his ex? Have you noticed any other strange behaviour/has he been acting off?
Your guy will likely know the answer. If it's telling you that he's talking BS – Sit him down, look into his eyes and calmly but very confidently say “is there something you need to tell me”.
Not I nor anyone with any self respect. OP, you've given this person enough chances. Be done with this and consider 2023 a rebuilding year. Live with Mom and work on yourself. The fact that you'd even consider taking him back means you've got some self loathing you should probably be talking to a counselor about.
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My [29F] sister [25F] recently moved out of the family home due to abusive behaviour from our brother. Due to it being a quick decision she didn’t have much savings and struggled with money. She has a steady job but not very well paying.
She has racked up quite a bit of CC debt and is slowly paying it off, but one of the cards is about to put the interest way up and she says she flat out can’t afford to pay it and doesn’t know what to do. She can’t get any loans or CCs as her credit is ruined. She has asked for a loan of £1500 to pay off the card that is high interest. She said she can afford to pay us £150 per month so it will take 10 months to pay off. She doesn’t have anyone else to ask.
My husband is the sole earner and I am doing a postgrad course. It’s important to note that my husband has a very high salary, we are way more financially secure than anyone else we know and £1500 is 1% of our current savings. I don’t need to work unless I want to. We have had many discussions about this.
Husband is refusing to loan my sister the money as he says he doesn’t trust her to pay it back and her moving out so hastily is proof she is bad with money. My husband doesn’t know the full story as I don’t want him to hate my family but I explained she was very unhappy living at home and needed to move out asap.
My sister is my best friend and I would do anything for her. I explained I will be getting her the money however I can, she is my family and if he’s not willing to help I will get it some other way. He was furious by this and said I am his responsibility but nobody else. I believe we should help family when we can, and this is money we wouldn’t miss and I trust her to pay back.
We’re currently not speaking and I don’t know what to do.
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Yesterday, me(22m) and my gf(21f) of 2 years were chilling. She was looking up for something with my phone and stumbled on my Instagram algorithm, which is full of hot models. I do admit that I do like looking at hot girls like every other straight guy, but honestly, they are just eye candy, and they don't mean anything more. After the discovery, she started crying and saying that she thought that I was different and that she thinks I am disgusting like all other men.
She told me that her some of her male friends' Instagram feeds are like this, and she said that the way they talk about women is inappropriate and disrespectful and somehow she thinks that my social media algorithm somehow reflects on how I perceive woman, like all her male friends.
What can I say to her to make her know that I have 0 intentions with these IG models and to reassure her that I am not what she thinks I am.
TLDR: GF disgusted by my Instagram full of half naked women
Has she had a previous bad experience with someone lying about their life? That might make it more understandable. My great-aunt’s ex husband had a whole other wife and family in another state, so when she met her current husband she certainly did her homework on the subject. However I’d hope if that was the case, she’d be more straightforward about it.
That’s why he’s dating 5 years younger. It isn’t a huge age gap but it is a meaningful gap when you’re years past standard college graduation age, live with your parents, want to continue living with your parents until your 30s, and want to be a dj.
So dating someone who may even have a year left of college or a few years of grad school ahead before she realistically dips her toes into the (non dj, hopefully) job market, this saves him a lot of the “I am as grown as you are and have x education and y job and z living situation…, what do you bring to the table besides slightly more advanced (sounding) philosophical conversations?
Guy sounds like he never grew up, maybe he doesn’t want to. Almost 30 still acting like a child and treating you like garbage. And he has kids!?
If I was you I’d leave that guy. Seems like he has 0 emotional intelligence. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders you can do much better than what you’ve described here.
So you suck at socializing. Your friend was right to bring up your lack of social skills, though I hope it was done with kindness. Your social skills are lacking; morphing into the people you hang out with will definitely push them away, changing the topic to make jokes or be noticed is rude not matter your intentions, running away after you’ve done this will be seen as passive aggressive and taint opportunities to grow. If you can’t break these habits, many settings will be uncomfortable for you! My advice is to ask the psychologist for groups or therapies to help you break certain bad social habits. Also get out of your head, the room is full of clues as to what to say and do next. These are called social cues.
Once a month?!?!?! You are about to enter a lifelong marriage with legal hoops to jump through to get out. The two of you are sexually incompatible and should not pursue the relationship any longer. You won't be happy, she won't be happy, life will suck. You hiding your drinking is weird, does she have a problem with it? Either way that isn't part of the sex problem. By all means figure the booze part out but get out of this relationship either way.
If he can't consider to stop watching porn to make you comfortable, then he's probably not the right one for you. Imo porn is ok if in moderation, but if a serious romantic partner asked, the answer is to stop because for it to not be more important than her, I would have to put her above it.
I finally found by chance th piece of paper with the login info ro be able to log in and come back here! I can't believe it's been 4 months! thanks again
So I was born in 86, my biological mother put me up for adoption and at 9 days old I went home with my new family. Had my biological mother not been “life in danger” I wouldn’t be here
I think you need an arguement as to why this is a bad idea which it probably is.
Unless your husband had such a low sperm count that he's considered sterile then there is no reason to jump straight into IVF.
With a “low” sperm count and no issues on your side your chances of concieving naturally are probably almost the same as if you did IVF (25-30% . first go ) For the next couple of years at least. So you should try naturally whilst you ARE still fertile .
Having IVF now and it failing, getting into debt then having nothing to hope for long term seems worse for everyones mental health imo.
Your ability to carry a child won't diminish in the next two years only your fertility will. Therefore you are probably not lessening your chances of IVF sucess by waiting two years ,but you will decrease the chances of having a child naturally after wasting two years having stressfull ivf intervention.
1 in 6 men have a low sperm count doesn't mean 1 in 6 needed medical intervention to have a child.
please don’t take this the wrong way because i agree with everything you said, but the younger generation is living with their parents into their 20s because of the shit economy
I mean I’d rather be the one having fun having sex than some lame attempt at having fun by being annoying because you can’t handle it like an adult 😛 I also think we need more context here because did they know she was home are they aware she can hear? This is what you find out when you handle things like an adult
Even if something is going on, they aren't related to each other. It feels weird to you, because they are both your siblings, but why would they regard each other as such when they are not?
Even if you gave her no details, she had no business doing what she did. She behaved in a disrespectful manner, she invaded your personal autonomy and she behaved in a controlling manner. Red flag behavior.
This is bordering on an emotional affair, if not past the border.
Time for a serious talk about what you both want for a future, and how her behavior is causing you to feel distrustful of her and her intentions.
You’re allowed to set your boundaries wherever you feel comfortable setting them. And, for the record, I think your boundary in this situation is reasonable.
She’s allowed to respect your boundaries, OR NOT, as she feels they are reasonable.
In this case, her mouth is telling you what you want to hear, but her actions are telling you that she is not going to respect this boundary. (LPT: always believe actions over words)
You need to decide, after 6 years, if this is something that you’re willing to accept in a long term partner. Do you see yourself marrying her? Starting a family? Do you picture her by your side as you travel and explore the world? Do you picture her supporting you in tough times?
Or are you just with her because it’s convenient, and you have fun together, but you really don’t see things going long term?
Time for a long serious talk with her about the future.
he is being aggressive with you already if you have to fight him off of you. that is dangerous. if he is not willing to accept you saying “no” now to the point you need to push him off of you, he is showing he is capable of assault
I’ve been trying to get them to go back to therapy for a while now but every therapist they’re interested in doesn’t have any open spots or their prices aren’t able to be covered by their health insurance
Imagine having children with this guy. If you’re even considering that path, don’t do it. Even if he miraculously starts pitching in now, he will stop again when he thinks you’re trapped by a kid. You deserve waaay better…
The actual drinking here is the least of my concern, it’s the physical violence and repeated assaulting you because she thinks it’s “funny”. Most people, even when drunk, do not behave like that and it’s one massive red flag.
My advice would actually be to leave this relationship, personally.
Can we make it a rule now that you're not actually “dating” unless you're going on actual, physical dates with someone where you're both in the same room?
At best you're talking to him. At worst you're talking to a group of people who are going to be asking for money or nudes soon. In no way do you have a relationship with an actual human being who wants to be with you. Get yourself a therapist to talk to, and find someone who is a real person and actually wants to occupy the same space you do.
The problem is that he has lied and hidden something from you all this time. This is a trust issue and one that could be very hard to come back from. Do you think you are strong enough to try and rebuild this trust again.
“I didnt think he would resort to looking at young fit women on instagram”
ummm…. really? Have you met men?
“especially using his public main instagram”
This. If he's there for the eye candy then there are more discreet ways of doing it. He may not realise that his follows can be seen by anyone and I think that you should have a quiet word with him along the lines of “Dad, everyone can see that you follow half-naked women on IG and I don't think Mom would be pleased so sort yourself out.” If he come back with any comments about only being there for the workout tips, remind him that male gym accounts exist.
I think this is one of those scenarios where you gotta gauge “Does he have a dark sense of humor, does he genuinely not understand what is wrong, or does he understand and not care?”.
If it’s the first then he probably took your opinions as a lecture, in which case there’s nothing you can really do because nobody likes to be lectured especially over a joke.
If it’s option two then you can explain it’s a really scary thing for a woman and he wouldn’t find it funny if you were in that scenario.
If it’s option three there’s nothing you can do because he’s accepted that it’s wrong and still finds it funny. With that said I’ll bounce back to gauge the scenario because as someone with a dark sense of humor I’ve laughed at some pretty horrific stuff, doesn’t mean I didn’t know the difference between right and wrong.
Thank you all for your responses. I will ponder on this behavior of mine. What I did was completely wrong. That's also why I told him about the kiss. To me his happiness means the whole world. I was among the few people who I felt he was truly happy talking to. I hope he finds that happiness in someone again. I have stopped talking to him and he hasn't spoken with that much enthusiasm either after that.
Thanks for all the responses. But tbh I got very less feedback on how to get over him and just got bullied. If people would bother to read the question and the last part I'd appreciate it.
Good god, the US student loans is appalling I’m sorry for the situation, in the UK I don’t pay a penny unless I earn a certain amount and even then it just deducts itself from the salary and after 30 years it gets written off,
She's already asked him. He dodges and refuses to answer or stop keeping her a secret. If it was just from parents that's one thing, but every other person in his life as well? Can you think of a valid, healthy reason someone would do that?
Yikes. This whole post is about you you you. What you need, what you want. You don't stop to think for one second what your wife, your partner wants. But it seems you don't want a partner, you want a bangmaid. Gross.
You will be stronger in the long run, if you stick to your guns. You will be respected more.
A smart man wouldn’t risk jeopardizing his relationship with a girl he wouldn’t want to lose. If he’s willing to take the risk, then he’s not worth keeping.
It sounds like you need better communication. He took your laughing comment as permission to try it out with J when you had been joking. Right there was a breakdown in communication. Maybe agree that if you guys say something in the heat of a moment, that you will talk about it again later to see if its for real or just a moan thing. For example when my girl and I got into it in the bedroom, I say a few things which women might find derogatory but my girl didn't take it personally. Know why? Because we talked about it before hand and she had told me she was cool with it.
I don't think so. I think he has been feeling horrible about it this entire time. He's been feeling guilty. He thought if he was honest with you, you would forgive, and help him heal. It sounds very narcissistic, but depression often is.
You're 100% right. I've never been happier with someone than I am with him and my insecurities shouldn't be in the way of that but there's times I can't get them out of my head.
I feel incredibly lucky that I have him. But for me it's almost like I'm living a fantasy where there's no way it's real and that he's actually mine and that a man like him actually exists and in my life.
So, now you need the other person's consent to masturbate in your own bed? I think the bigger likelihood is his np sexual needs aren't being met in the relationship.
This isn't how someone acts when they like, trust, and respect you.
You are not a bad person if you want to break up and have a chance at the life you want. She is no longer the same person and she has no feeling. Maybe offer her friendship but move on to make yourself happy.
Yes it makes sense, but I disagree with your statement that you weren’t abused. You witnessed your brother being physically abused regularly and your mother told you you were her punishment for being gay. It took me a very long time to realize I was abused because I wasn’t being physically beaten, but I was beaten down mentally
How about you? Have you ever taken his approach to anything? It might feel good.
No. I'm the type of person where being angry and holding grudges expells energy. I'd be miserable if I stayed mad about small shit people did to me all the time. I'm not going to let someone bully me but if its just a situation that makes me roll my eyes, I'm not going to make a big deal of it.
Can you provide other examples such as this event?
He generally likes to make goofy faces at assholes in traffic because he just won't ignore him. He will even do it from the passengers seat in my car if someone cuts me off. He got upset once because his sister was embarrassed and told him to stop. Like I said, just petty shit.
I mean I obviously have had a long talk with her about this, I care about her a lot and want to help her. I made sure to frame my advice on a way that isn't me telling her what to do to get my way either if you are thinking that, I genuinely do try to help her best I can.
I'm asking about this specific aspect of the situation because it's the part that makes it more complicated, not because it's the only thing on my mind
Wow. I don’t remember asking for all this judgement but okay…
Could very likely be a kink for her?
Trust your gut
Hey troll, knock this shit off
/r/relationship_advice /u/throwRAhugeungus 12/5/2022, 10:09:12 PM
I (26F) think my mom (53F) forced me to get on birth control to sabotage my relationship. (40M) TLDR – I think my mom forced me into using birth control to mess with my hormones and sabotage my relationship. I want to confront her about it.
what do you get out of this? are you that lonely? just stop with this shit
I'm calling bullsh*t on this one, sorry – no way that 9 days ago she found this out and she already has divorce paperwork written up and submitted to the courthouse. It would take longer than that to get an appointment with a lawyer. You don't divorce someone in a week. ESP if kids are involved.
And Child Support is for the kids, not the adult, and in some states you are legally obligated to pay it regardless of what your property settlement agreement is.
Honestly I'd suggest therapy. It sounds like you have some deeply ingrained shame surrounding sex, which it would be useful to get to the bottom of.
Sex is a very intimate act, and I fully support not wanting to do it with just anyone, but it's also not magical and sacred.
I'd work through your views with a therapist to help you reach a more balanced outlook. You took this intimate step with someone you love. No one can promise anyone forever, and married couples get divorced. Like a lot. There's no reason for you to be feeling shame and regret. I'm not trying to discount your feelings, I'm just trying to say I think you're making yourself feeling bad unnecessarily, and it's worth exploring why, in the hope you can stop.
stool pigeon? lol?
the sad thing is a lot of women are lonely and DO put up with this crap
Did you read the post at all?
You will regret it, but you'll only realize it once you experience more relationships. It sounds like you've been dating for 2 years already. The pro sides of your girlfriend: attractive, intelligent, ambitious, sweet and you have a great sex life. Cons: she wants to communicate during the day, since you only see each other that sparsely. This is a completely normal behavior. It's called being present without being physically present.
You mention she nitpicks and points out you can never do things right. What are those things? Is it that she is being unreasonable or you are extrapolating her comments to make you feel less guilty of things you might not be doing?
You even said yourself majority of the times things are great, but you just wonder if another girl would be better -> which from the sounds of it means someone who is willing to be a part-time partner who only communicates when you want to and doesn't “ruin” your vibe.
You are still young, and you'll learn that you had something great later down the road. It will just be another of the many lessons we all learn in our lives.
See how things go as time goes on. I'd honestly give a friend shit for not being able to have friends of the opposite sex because of their partner.
If she keeps saying shit like that, THEN I'd be worried.
now i have to agree, you are a train wreck, insulting my cats lol how low can someone go ??
Your partner may not have any other parenting strategies. Parenting is hard and if he was spanked as a kid, he probably doesn't have any other strategies. If he's open to doing better, see if you can find parenting classes or books that talk about parenting Autistic kiddos so he can build his library of tools.
My dad used to do that around his property with his dog, but he was doing it to ward off coyotes. The human and dog pee will scare them off.
Yup
Also maybe he made her uncomfortable by talking abour anything sexual so soon. Esp they seem to be minors still.
Hey champion, sorry you’re feeling this way. I just want to say firstly, that unless you were deliberately trying to be hurtful and mean for no reason, you should not feel guilty or bad for telling her you are not looking forward to marriage. At all. One could argue that it was no different to her asking to open the relationship. An honest opinion, but one that has been hurtful to you (whatever her intentions).
Nevertheless, I’ll share my thoughts on the matter. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time, and on reddit it’s difficult to gather a full picture of the situation, but what I find revealing is the language people use and the examples they cite.
In this case, I noted a few things in your story that made me pause.
Firstly, you appeared to be a monogamous person (as most of us are), who put aside what you wanted and put at risk your feelings, to accomodate someone who has always presented herself the same way. Good on you. A HUGE thing to do for someone that takes loads of courage and love.
Since then, you have learned that the person you were before was pretty close to who you really are. This is great because it seems that at 29 you are pretty in touch with yourself. And I don’t just mean from a monogamous point of view, but values, priorities and interests. All the really important life-long stuff and things you’d be doing partner or not.
Now here’s the tricky part. It sounds to me like she is in a different place, she is still exploring which on its own is not a bad thing, except it appears to be at your expense.
Given that you seem to be a good communicator and that you talk all the time, she will no doubt be aware that you aren’t as happy as you were, perhaps you have words because she is prioritising her hedonistic lifestyle over family stuff, I don’t know, but there can be no doubt that your body language and demeanour tell the story beyond just words.
So in my mind either a) she realises what she’s doing is hurtful but doesn’t care, or b) is not paying attention to her partner because she is fully focussed on herself.
If it’s option a, then you should end it now. You don’t want to waste any more time with someone who would willingly steamroll your feelings for their own interest in exploring (to be honest friend, my gut is telling me this is the case).
However if it is option b) then it is time for a reciprocal display of courage and love. And if she is as courageous and as loving for you, as you are for her, then she will be able to get your relationship back on track by making a gesture just like you did.
So here’s what I would suggest you do. I would suggest that you give consideration to what you think would make you happy, think about what your relationship would be like, what you would spend your time doing together as a couple and what you would pursue individually. Imagine your ideal scenario, down to the things you would want to be doing and what you wouldn’t want to be doing.
For example, you would want to be going to family reunions with a partner that treated them as importantly as you do, you would want to be travelling frequently with a partner that was as keen to explore new places as you are, and it seems, you would want to be in a monogamous relationship with someone who is just as keen to jump your bones, as you are hers.
Try to avoid contextualising things by what you used to do compared to whats happening bow. try to focus on specifically what you want. Be hedonistic – describe your perfect wife and perfect life.
Close your eyes and do that for a second now….
Take a second before you read the next sentence….
Now ask yourself whether it was her you were imagining or not her.
Your instinct might have the answer you are looking for, and I think you know what I’m saying here. If she’s not in there, then she’s not the one. If she was, then it’s time to have a chat, but prepare first.
Prepare your thoughts and words if you can; imagine what a councillor would suggest in terms of phrasing things. Try to avoid saying negative things about what she has done and is doing, try to focus on things that are aspirational and refer to the type of relationship you want, as opposed to what you want her to do.
Then you must ask her the question, does she want to go there with you, or not. Give her time, don’t press for a decision today or tomorrow, but let her know that this is not a 6-month decision. More like a week or so to mull it over.
Make it clear that you are not mad, you are not trying to control her, and that this is about what you want from life and what you need from a partner to be happy. If that’s not her then that is ok.
I would try to avoid making her feel bad for her choices, that can lead to arguments just for arguments sake.
If she decides that she wants to give you what you want and commits and does it, then she will have shown you the same respect, courage and love you showed her. Which should be cherished and appreciated. If not, then you know you need to move on (btw, if this would be particularly difficult, then I would begin making discrete preparations).
One final caveat. If she has been experimenting with party drugs like x or is exploring her sexuality with dudes, then that’s a super tough call. These things can be phases or life-altering, and I would say in either case, really prepare for the worst because that’s a different type of exploration and in my experience not something that can be easily let go of just because someone (even someone really really important to you) asks. Drugs, most likely a phase, sexuality perhaps less so.
Good luck out there champion, you seem really well put together, and you deserve to have a fulfilling and happy life. And great sex with someone as keen to have it with you as you are with them
He doesn’t believe in therapy but does believe in hookups. #smh It sounds like he wants an easy (and pleasurable) fix to what he sees as the “problem.”
What’s a good way to tell her ?
Yea I'm getting that now.. to be honest it's a comment he made that made me overthink. He said it has never happened before even when he was with someone he thought wasn't attractive. And for me this has never happened so I got a little insecure.
“Don’t worry babe, you’re great! You look 24, so it’s all good!”
Good for you, but the way your friend went about ‘helping’ was kind of dick-ish
I'm sure you've asked yourself these questions, but just in case:
Has anything like this (cheating etc) ever happened before? Has he had any previous trouble from his ex? Have you noticed any other strange behaviour/has he been acting off?
Your guy will likely know the answer. If it's telling you that he's talking BS – Sit him down, look into his eyes and calmly but very confidently say “is there something you need to tell me”.
Not I nor anyone with any self respect. OP, you've given this person enough chances. Be done with this and consider 2023 a rebuilding year. Live with Mom and work on yourself. The fact that you'd even consider taking him back means you've got some self loathing you should probably be talking to a counselor about.
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My [29F] sister [25F] recently moved out of the family home due to abusive behaviour from our brother. Due to it being a quick decision she didn’t have much savings and struggled with money. She has a steady job but not very well paying.
She has racked up quite a bit of CC debt and is slowly paying it off, but one of the cards is about to put the interest way up and she says she flat out can’t afford to pay it and doesn’t know what to do. She can’t get any loans or CCs as her credit is ruined. She has asked for a loan of £1500 to pay off the card that is high interest. She said she can afford to pay us £150 per month so it will take 10 months to pay off. She doesn’t have anyone else to ask.
My husband is the sole earner and I am doing a postgrad course. It’s important to note that my husband has a very high salary, we are way more financially secure than anyone else we know and £1500 is 1% of our current savings. I don’t need to work unless I want to. We have had many discussions about this.
Husband is refusing to loan my sister the money as he says he doesn’t trust her to pay it back and her moving out so hastily is proof she is bad with money. My husband doesn’t know the full story as I don’t want him to hate my family but I explained she was very unhappy living at home and needed to move out asap.
My sister is my best friend and I would do anything for her. I explained I will be getting her the money however I can, she is my family and if he’s not willing to help I will get it some other way. He was furious by this and said I am his responsibility but nobody else. I believe we should help family when we can, and this is money we wouldn’t miss and I trust her to pay back.
We’re currently not speaking and I don’t know what to do.
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Yesterday, me(22m) and my gf(21f) of 2 years were chilling. She was looking up for something with my phone and stumbled on my Instagram algorithm, which is full of hot models. I do admit that I do like looking at hot girls like every other straight guy, but honestly, they are just eye candy, and they don't mean anything more. After the discovery, she started crying and saying that she thought that I was different and that she thinks I am disgusting like all other men.
She told me that her some of her male friends' Instagram feeds are like this, and she said that the way they talk about women is inappropriate and disrespectful and somehow she thinks that my social media algorithm somehow reflects on how I perceive woman, like all her male friends.
What can I say to her to make her know that I have 0 intentions with these IG models and to reassure her that I am not what she thinks I am.
TLDR: GF disgusted by my Instagram full of half naked women
?
Has she had a previous bad experience with someone lying about their life? That might make it more understandable. My great-aunt’s ex husband had a whole other wife and family in another state, so when she met her current husband she certainly did her homework on the subject. However I’d hope if that was the case, she’d be more straightforward about it.
That’s why he’s dating 5 years younger. It isn’t a huge age gap but it is a meaningful gap when you’re years past standard college graduation age, live with your parents, want to continue living with your parents until your 30s, and want to be a dj.
So dating someone who may even have a year left of college or a few years of grad school ahead before she realistically dips her toes into the (non dj, hopefully) job market, this saves him a lot of the “I am as grown as you are and have x education and y job and z living situation…, what do you bring to the table besides slightly more advanced (sounding) philosophical conversations?
Am I missing something or are you dating a literal piece of shit?
He has a right to know, I’d wanna know.
If she's having meltdowns over it that might mean she needs profesional help. Has she consulted a doctor?
Guy sounds like he never grew up, maybe he doesn’t want to. Almost 30 still acting like a child and treating you like garbage. And he has kids!?
If I was you I’d leave that guy. Seems like he has 0 emotional intelligence. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders you can do much better than what you’ve described here.
You were the rebound.
So you suck at socializing. Your friend was right to bring up your lack of social skills, though I hope it was done with kindness. Your social skills are lacking; morphing into the people you hang out with will definitely push them away, changing the topic to make jokes or be noticed is rude not matter your intentions, running away after you’ve done this will be seen as passive aggressive and taint opportunities to grow. If you can’t break these habits, many settings will be uncomfortable for you! My advice is to ask the psychologist for groups or therapies to help you break certain bad social habits. Also get out of your head, the room is full of clues as to what to say and do next. These are called social cues.
Once a month?!?!?! You are about to enter a lifelong marriage with legal hoops to jump through to get out. The two of you are sexually incompatible and should not pursue the relationship any longer. You won't be happy, she won't be happy, life will suck. You hiding your drinking is weird, does she have a problem with it? Either way that isn't part of the sex problem. By all means figure the booze part out but get out of this relationship either way.
If he can't consider to stop watching porn to make you comfortable, then he's probably not the right one for you. Imo porn is ok if in moderation, but if a serious romantic partner asked, the answer is to stop because for it to not be more important than her, I would have to put her above it.
I finally found by chance th piece of paper with the login info ro be able to log in and come back here! I can't believe it's been 4 months! thanks again
Calmly but directly.
“Are you laughing at me? Do you think that's ok?”
And
“In future if you would like something done in a specific way, please let me in the first instance. If I am not aware, I cannot be expected to do”.
Call bullies out. They don't like it and they stop doing it really fucking quickly.
The key here is calm but direct delivery. Do not hesitate and maintain eye contact. He will crumble like week old cake.
So I was born in 86, my biological mother put me up for adoption and at 9 days old I went home with my new family. Had my biological mother not been “life in danger” I wouldn’t be here
This man is a hobosexual. Only wants to be in a relationship for the roof over his head and food on his plate. Kick him out.
I think you need an arguement as to why this is a bad idea which it probably is.
Unless your husband had such a low sperm count that he's considered sterile then there is no reason to jump straight into IVF.
With a “low” sperm count and no issues on your side your chances of concieving naturally are probably almost the same as if you did IVF (25-30% . first go ) For the next couple of years at least. So you should try naturally whilst you ARE still fertile .
Having IVF now and it failing, getting into debt then having nothing to hope for long term seems worse for everyones mental health imo.
Your ability to carry a child won't diminish in the next two years only your fertility will. Therefore you are probably not lessening your chances of IVF sucess by waiting two years ,but you will decrease the chances of having a child naturally after wasting two years having stressfull ivf intervention.
1 in 6 men have a low sperm count doesn't mean 1 in 6 needed medical intervention to have a child.
Sounds like you're a shit boyfriend and you should break up with her and let her find a boyfriend who has the time and energy to make her happy.
She's a monkey, you are her frog. GTFO.
But think could you have lived the rest of your life with out knowing?
please don’t take this the wrong way because i agree with everything you said, but the younger generation is living with their parents into their 20s because of the shit economy
I mean I’d rather be the one having fun having sex than some lame attempt at having fun by being annoying because you can’t handle it like an adult 😛 I also think we need more context here because did they know she was home are they aware she can hear? This is what you find out when you handle things like an adult
Even if something is going on, they aren't related to each other. It feels weird to you, because they are both your siblings, but why would they regard each other as such when they are not?
Weird situation for you, though.
Even if you gave her no details, she had no business doing what she did. She behaved in a disrespectful manner, she invaded your personal autonomy and she behaved in a controlling manner. Red flag behavior.
This is bordering on an emotional affair, if not past the border.
Time for a serious talk about what you both want for a future, and how her behavior is causing you to feel distrustful of her and her intentions.
You’re allowed to set your boundaries wherever you feel comfortable setting them. And, for the record, I think your boundary in this situation is reasonable.
She’s allowed to respect your boundaries, OR NOT, as she feels they are reasonable.
In this case, her mouth is telling you what you want to hear, but her actions are telling you that she is not going to respect this boundary. (LPT: always believe actions over words)
You need to decide, after 6 years, if this is something that you’re willing to accept in a long term partner. Do you see yourself marrying her? Starting a family? Do you picture her by your side as you travel and explore the world? Do you picture her supporting you in tough times?
Or are you just with her because it’s convenient, and you have fun together, but you really don’t see things going long term?
Time for a long serious talk with her about the future.
he is being aggressive with you already if you have to fight him off of you. that is dangerous. if he is not willing to accept you saying “no” now to the point you need to push him off of you, he is showing he is capable of assault
I invite him
Do I even need to point out the obvious here?
I’ve been trying to get them to go back to therapy for a while now but every therapist they’re interested in doesn’t have any open spots or their prices aren’t able to be covered by their health insurance
Imagine having children with this guy. If you’re even considering that path, don’t do it. Even if he miraculously starts pitching in now, he will stop again when he thinks you’re trapped by a kid. You deserve waaay better…
The actual drinking here is the least of my concern, it’s the physical violence and repeated assaulting you because she thinks it’s “funny”. Most people, even when drunk, do not behave like that and it’s one massive red flag.
My advice would actually be to leave this relationship, personally.
Yeah, I have intolerances rather than allergies. 'Exposure therapy' doesn't work.
Can we make it a rule now that you're not actually “dating” unless you're going on actual, physical dates with someone where you're both in the same room?
At best you're talking to him. At worst you're talking to a group of people who are going to be asking for money or nudes soon. In no way do you have a relationship with an actual human being who wants to be with you. Get yourself a therapist to talk to, and find someone who is a real person and actually wants to occupy the same space you do.
Finally someone who has a brain
Yes you did the wrong thing OP
The problem is that he has lied and hidden something from you all this time. This is a trust issue and one that could be very hard to come back from. Do you think you are strong enough to try and rebuild this trust again.
This would be a very valid reason to walk away.
“I didnt think he would resort to looking at young fit women on instagram”
ummm…. really? Have you met men?
“especially using his public main instagram”
This. If he's there for the eye candy then there are more discreet ways of doing it. He may not realise that his follows can be seen by anyone and I think that you should have a quiet word with him along the lines of “Dad, everyone can see that you follow half-naked women on IG and I don't think Mom would be pleased so sort yourself out.” If he come back with any comments about only being there for the workout tips, remind him that male gym accounts exist.
I think this is one of those scenarios where you gotta gauge “Does he have a dark sense of humor, does he genuinely not understand what is wrong, or does he understand and not care?”.
If it’s the first then he probably took your opinions as a lecture, in which case there’s nothing you can really do because nobody likes to be lectured especially over a joke.
If it’s option two then you can explain it’s a really scary thing for a woman and he wouldn’t find it funny if you were in that scenario.
If it’s option three there’s nothing you can do because he’s accepted that it’s wrong and still finds it funny. With that said I’ll bounce back to gauge the scenario because as someone with a dark sense of humor I’ve laughed at some pretty horrific stuff, doesn’t mean I didn’t know the difference between right and wrong.
No intimacy. We communicate a lot. I still love her like I did when we got married.
Sadly we fight every couple of days. They are mostly deconstructive.
Thank you all for your responses. I will ponder on this behavior of mine. What I did was completely wrong. That's also why I told him about the kiss. To me his happiness means the whole world. I was among the few people who I felt he was truly happy talking to. I hope he finds that happiness in someone again. I have stopped talking to him and he hasn't spoken with that much enthusiasm either after that.
Thanks for all the responses. But tbh I got very less feedback on how to get over him and just got bullied. If people would bother to read the question and the last part I'd appreciate it.
Upvoted for the PERFECT answer with r/UnexpectedFuturama
Good god, the US student loans is appalling I’m sorry for the situation, in the UK I don’t pay a penny unless I earn a certain amount and even then it just deducts itself from the salary and after 30 years it gets written off,
She's already asked him. He dodges and refuses to answer or stop keeping her a secret. If it was just from parents that's one thing, but every other person in his life as well? Can you think of a valid, healthy reason someone would do that?
Please exit the situation quietly – I.e – don’t tip him off, don’t let him know you’re leaving.
Before you think this is an extreme response, your husband sexually assaulted you and is now love bombing you to make you okay with it all.
Leave. There’s nothing to hear out. Nothing he can say. He did enough.
Yikes. This whole post is about you you you. What you need, what you want. You don't stop to think for one second what your wife, your partner wants. But it seems you don't want a partner, you want a bangmaid. Gross.
You will be stronger in the long run, if you stick to your guns. You will be respected more.
A smart man wouldn’t risk jeopardizing his relationship with a girl he wouldn’t want to lose. If he’s willing to take the risk, then he’s not worth keeping.
It sounds like you need better communication. He took your laughing comment as permission to try it out with J when you had been joking. Right there was a breakdown in communication. Maybe agree that if you guys say something in the heat of a moment, that you will talk about it again later to see if its for real or just a moan thing. For example when my girl and I got into it in the bedroom, I say a few things which women might find derogatory but my girl didn't take it personally. Know why? Because we talked about it before hand and she had told me she was cool with it.
I don't think so. I think he has been feeling horrible about it this entire time. He's been feeling guilty. He thought if he was honest with you, you would forgive, and help him heal. It sounds very narcissistic, but depression often is.
He wants to dump all his mental issues on you.
Love that it's your cake day and you made a comment about cake.
Happy cake day!
You're 100% right. I've never been happier with someone than I am with him and my insecurities shouldn't be in the way of that but there's times I can't get them out of my head.
I feel incredibly lucky that I have him. But for me it's almost like I'm living a fantasy where there's no way it's real and that he's actually mine and that a man like him actually exists and in my life.
So, now you need the other person's consent to masturbate in your own bed? I think the bigger likelihood is his np sexual needs aren't being met in the relationship.
Aw man, you made the water works start again. Thank you ❤️
Send a 20 gift card along with a goodbye card and let her go
Well none of my friends see it that way, so who’s right? None of us. The problem is opinions. We all have one.
Until you’ve walked a mile In the guys shoes I suppose none of us are really positioned to have any opinion.
tell her parents. its in her best interests. she needs help and you won’t be able to help her on your own.