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Date: October 23, 2022
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leave his ass.
Faith shouldn't be conflated with self-defeating commitment to someone who clearly was not faithful to you even after his second chance, nor should it be confused with trauma bonding which has a lot of potential to exist in this situation. So please be discerning about this.
And while some religions will try to shame the woman by pushing one-sided wedding vows, none of this situation is your fault and it's not wrong to respect yourself and your heart by turning him away especially when someone like him violates those boundaries, wedding vows, and betrays your trust repeatedly.
The shock of an affair and someone who wasn't honest enough to be transparent and come up with solutions in a way that included you as an equal early on when he started to realize he would consider infidelity can be traumatic for a lot of people.
I think you'd have to question both whether 1) you and that woman genuinely want to be in a relationship with each other in addition to whatever happens with your husband who cheated repeatedly on you 2) whether it's worth staying with a man who was so unwell that he not willing to take proactive responsibility for his own mental and relational/family health to the point of having an affair, getting found out, breaking his promises to you, and then trying to cover up his breach of agreements by suggesting that he wants to have both despite originally making a commitment in marriage to keep you as his top priority as a partner 3) and whether the situation has been any good for your mental health and heart so far
In my parent's experience, the man who straddled the fence was a narcissist who was unwilling to let go of his wife's financial benefits and labor but already chose to disrespect her long before declaring he wanted both his mistress and her every time he got caught. It was a miserable experience that she still suffers from due to how he ultimately declared a divorce that would essentially make her homeless due to costs of living in the region just as she was about to retire. And with children in the mix, they suffered for much of their lives too due to his petty behaviors, the suffering he caused to her that spilled over to them, and the neglect they experienced too.
So my advice is to leave. Find some survivors of infidelity support/12 step groups and join, plus good counseling for yourself.
Even though therapists can be really shitty and hard to access plus have a stigma for those in marginalized communities, if he really cared about your wellness he'd probably be going to individual therapy and couples therapy for marriage counseling or support groups with you (and probably even a 12 step program for intimacy avoidance for himself) while showing real measurable effort for how he's working on himself and working on being more considerate towards you too to figure out the basics of himself and his commitment with you.
Start calling several lawyers (in the US there's the super lawyer directory, just call five of the ones that seem like a fit regardless of your budget–the free consultation and learning how to interact with them plus what to expect with the general laws is worth the while and hire the best one you almost or maybe actually can't afford (especially if you're in a no fault divorce state, this means he'd need to give his half to you since you'd be low on financial assets) who is understanding and respectful to you.
Yeah I just wish she didn’t lie to me, why couldn’t she just cut me off before this? Why did she tell me she loved me the morning she left, she could’ve went about it so many different ways and now I’m the one feeling sad, I’m so stupid.
Call 911 and show the cops the marks. If CPS finds out that you're allowing your wife to abuse you in front of the kids, you're going to lose the kids to CPS. Your kids are going to be mentally messed up from seeing DV too. And on top of it, at this rate, she's gonna kill you, and she will be in prison, and your kids will have ZERO parents. I was a DV victim. I know it's hard to break the cycle, but it's your responsibility as a parent to do so.
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and how long was she with the last boyfriend?
Insult, you say? Tell me what did I do wrong?
slipping cashes in your back pocket slowly
patting ass and rubbing it
Understand and accept you are infatuated with an ideal and not reality. Moreover, you do not really know this person very well and only focus on his positive attributes, not negative ones.
Oh lol, ok.
You’re right, I did assume that a reasonable person would look at her reaction and think she’s being a brat. My bad. I’ll leave space for those who think acting the way she did is reasonable (for those who do think it’s reasonable, probably shouldn’t be handing out advice).
Ugh your gf is biphobic or even homophobic imo. If she had found out you slept with a girl she knows would she have this reaction? I doubt it.
So it's obvious she's uncomfortable knowing that you actually slept with other men.
Good for you being honest if she doesn't like you for you there's other women out there that will. I dated a bi guy that was closeted but I liked that about him and that he could share that with me
Call a therapist now, dont wait any second.
Tell them what you live and wrote here
Everyone in this thread telling you to leave home is fucking stupid. The fact is there are no shortage of horror stories all over this website and others that showcase the absolute travesty of men being duped into raising children that aren't theirs. It's not terribly common but it's not nearly as rare as you'd think.
Just within the last hour I read a post written by a guy who had a baby with his wife (their third) and he became suspicious and did a paternity test when the child was a few months the old. By then it was too late and he was on the hook for eighteen years for child support payments despite the fact that he divorced the mom and established paternity fraud.
Do you know the common thread amongst all these men who get duped into rasing a child that wasn't theirs is? They trusted their wives blindly. They went against their better instincts even when they became suspicious.
Right now you're only thinking about yourself and about how hurt you are. Instead you could reframe the problem and tell your husband that you'd be delighted to help reassure him that the baby is his. Any resistance or resentment on your part will immediately be interpreted as you having something to hide and at the end of the day only you will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that the baby is yours. Paternity tests should be mandatory to be honest. If it was the law there'd be no reason to take offense.
You're in way over your head with this one. Obviously, you'll never see her again. When she pressures you to see you again say no and tell her why – you don't trust her, you don't have sex without a condom with a rando off an app and having sex in the car is not the kind of hook up you were looking for.
Naw. He knows why you lied. Anger is an unhealthy and insecure emotion in this scenario. He's gross. You need to stop with the toxic person.
Which is still “she wants to take your boyfriend”
The only people in this relationship are the two of you.
Are you both happy? No big issues? No trust broken by either of you? Have similar goals for the future such as kids etc.. ? Do you resolve conflict respectfully and calmly when it arises? You've already said that he isn't abusive in any ways so no need to ask that.
If the answer to all of these questions are positive for you two as a couple then respectfully the people outside of this relationship can fuck off, if they want the best for YOU they would not judge.
Take your time to think this through and if you have no doubt that your fiancé is the one for you then you need to talk to the people that you want in your life that are influencing about your relationship and make it clear that you are in this relationship and fully capable of choosing your partner.
Is the child his?
Thinking women shouldn't be into sex is a great way of never even trying to please them too and treating them like an object to have sex with.
Same. Even an anonymous DM is too risky, he'll assume it's from her, and that puts her in danger.
The next time she brings it up:
“I'm not interested in having an open relationship, and I'm not willing to keep having this conversation. If an open relationship is something you want that's fine but it would be a relationship with me”
He doesn’t seem to care about what you want, so why should you care about what he wants?
Well then these people would be dead to me going forward