Ok so I am going to come out of left field for a lot of you. But first off you are 19, young and the world is wide open to you. If you are unhappy and concerned that list of sacrifices to appease your GF will eternally grow. You first, need to reconcile these things with her. Tell her why you don't like it, open her eyes to what you perceive as sacrifices and alterations to yourself for her. She will probably blow your doors off when she gives her perspective. From there you guys need to work on a compromise. So, this is the make or break moment for long term relationships, either A, you guys can come up with a mutual understanding ensuring that both parties are respected, or B, you make the choice you are ok with the list growing because you are mentally strong enough to show her your love by endless sacrifice. I promise you it won't be endless, there will come a point where she sees what you are doing and she will start doing the same to match your energy. At least thats how me and my wife operate 13 years into this. I give up some after a bit she notices and she gives up some and we then realize what is going on and decide on if what we are giving up is worth it. Now here is the controversial part, there is a 3rd option, this is more taboo and frowned upon by people with traditional relationship values, but, you guys could open it up while you are apart. If you feel the love you both share is strong enough, and you guys come up with good healthy boundaries of what is and is not acceptable, there is no reason a semi open relationship cannot work to get you guys through the separated parts. My wife and I do this when we are going to be apart for prolonged amounts of time. We know the temporary partners are purely there to keep certain needs satisfied and they know that as well going into it. As we have done this over the years it has actually brought us even closer together, we know and understand each other in ways you just wouldn't think possible, we operate on the same wavelengths, our drives match each others, we compete with each other which in turn motivates us to one up each other in everything. It takes both parties not having insecurities and both parties being madly in love with each other on a lot of levels, but also understanding that from time to time a change of pace is needed and can be provided by temporary 3rd parties. Whatever you decide, at least take the steps to make things with your GF as strong as possible from both sides, but at the end of the day, listen to your heart and follow where it may take you while you are still young and the world starts to try to crush you.
Don't do it. This was Mitch's idea, and honestly you sound like you don't even want to be engaged right now, which is perfectly okay. Why is your gfs wants more important than yours?
My now husband hooked up with two people prior to us being official. I had well and truly caught feelings and he had too, but he didn't know if anything would come of our relationship because of some seemingly insurmountable difficulties. I really and truly do not hold it against him. I hadn't communicated my feelings, and he had every reason to think nothing would come of it. You absolutely can move past this. Let yourself be hurt and then draw a line under it, because as soon as you said something she told you what happened and then agreed and wanted to treat it that way too. She did nothing wrong. You can have a great future together, don't hold bad timing of your conversation against her.
Everyone else makes great point so I will just bring up one. Scheduling. If you have time for a relationship at all, then you have time to find a meeting.
It's post covid. Online or phone meetings exist around the world.Start with one, find one u like, keep doing that one. Even if its just weekly. Even if it's at 3am and you have to call a different country. Your girlfriend will understand and appreciate you making that a priority. If it's too alcohol or drug focused for you and makes u want a drink at even the mention of one, then 1. You need help and more work on this yet than you realize, and 2. Try CODA instead (codependent anonymous). It focuses on the relationships piece of things, and creating better behaviors and patterns with others. You need SOMETHING to help you not relapse long term though. Therapy? A sponsor? Other coping skills in times of stress besides drinking. Or other hobbies if it's a social thing.
There are SO MANY added steps you could be taking to make this a priority besides/after quitting alcohol. It's time to do the work to make sure it never looks like a good option or your best possible coping mechanism again. Its important to your entire future…and she knows this. Don't blow it off. Take whatever the NEXT step is for YOU. Then another. Make it a focus. Not just an afterthought you might fit in if its super convenient.
This thing can and has the power to tank your ENTIRE LIFE. Starting with your current relationship it seems. Find positive alternatives that work to fill the space it occupies in your world, and that serve the purpose alcohol fills for you. It's important. Good Luck.
But it being detectable for others/ others bearing the consequences of Autism induced a-hole behaviour CAN be lessened.
I once have managed to get an Asperger autistic young man to actually figure out how the guy transformed into a bug feels in Kafkas “The Metamorphosis”.
They kind of “read” and mentally calculate/gues, but it is possible to be autistic and no overbearing ah as OPs crush is.
Did you get tested after your last partner, and before her? How long ago was your last partner? STIs can be dormant for weeks so how do you know you didn't give it to her?
Maybe back then she was just really flirty with everyone and didn't have deep feelings for you like you had for her.
If you're going to marry her someday, you should ask for a post-nuptial agreement that will have a cheating clause (ex. the betrayed spouse will get paid such amount if cheating happens)
What if she doesn’t believe in abortion
Then she's wrong. And she'd be at fault.
Yes it’s going to eventually become a problem
LOL
or the posts with the like crazy age gap where 1 partner is under 23 SMH
Ok so I am going to come out of left field for a lot of you. But first off you are 19, young and the world is wide open to you. If you are unhappy and concerned that list of sacrifices to appease your GF will eternally grow. You first, need to reconcile these things with her. Tell her why you don't like it, open her eyes to what you perceive as sacrifices and alterations to yourself for her. She will probably blow your doors off when she gives her perspective. From there you guys need to work on a compromise. So, this is the make or break moment for long term relationships, either A, you guys can come up with a mutual understanding ensuring that both parties are respected, or B, you make the choice you are ok with the list growing because you are mentally strong enough to show her your love by endless sacrifice. I promise you it won't be endless, there will come a point where she sees what you are doing and she will start doing the same to match your energy. At least thats how me and my wife operate 13 years into this. I give up some after a bit she notices and she gives up some and we then realize what is going on and decide on if what we are giving up is worth it. Now here is the controversial part, there is a 3rd option, this is more taboo and frowned upon by people with traditional relationship values, but, you guys could open it up while you are apart. If you feel the love you both share is strong enough, and you guys come up with good healthy boundaries of what is and is not acceptable, there is no reason a semi open relationship cannot work to get you guys through the separated parts. My wife and I do this when we are going to be apart for prolonged amounts of time. We know the temporary partners are purely there to keep certain needs satisfied and they know that as well going into it. As we have done this over the years it has actually brought us even closer together, we know and understand each other in ways you just wouldn't think possible, we operate on the same wavelengths, our drives match each others, we compete with each other which in turn motivates us to one up each other in everything. It takes both parties not having insecurities and both parties being madly in love with each other on a lot of levels, but also understanding that from time to time a change of pace is needed and can be provided by temporary 3rd parties. Whatever you decide, at least take the steps to make things with your GF as strong as possible from both sides, but at the end of the day, listen to your heart and follow where it may take you while you are still young and the world starts to try to crush you.
Don't do it. This was Mitch's idea, and honestly you sound like you don't even want to be engaged right now, which is perfectly okay. Why is your gfs wants more important than yours?
My now husband hooked up with two people prior to us being official. I had well and truly caught feelings and he had too, but he didn't know if anything would come of our relationship because of some seemingly insurmountable difficulties. I really and truly do not hold it against him. I hadn't communicated my feelings, and he had every reason to think nothing would come of it. You absolutely can move past this. Let yourself be hurt and then draw a line under it, because as soon as you said something she told you what happened and then agreed and wanted to treat it that way too. She did nothing wrong. You can have a great future together, don't hold bad timing of your conversation against her.
Thank you for this
Everyone else makes great point so I will just bring up one. Scheduling. If you have time for a relationship at all, then you have time to find a meeting.
It's post covid. Online or phone meetings exist around the world.Start with one, find one u like, keep doing that one. Even if its just weekly. Even if it's at 3am and you have to call a different country. Your girlfriend will understand and appreciate you making that a priority. If it's too alcohol or drug focused for you and makes u want a drink at even the mention of one, then 1. You need help and more work on this yet than you realize, and 2. Try CODA instead (codependent anonymous). It focuses on the relationships piece of things, and creating better behaviors and patterns with others. You need SOMETHING to help you not relapse long term though. Therapy? A sponsor? Other coping skills in times of stress besides drinking. Or other hobbies if it's a social thing.
There are SO MANY added steps you could be taking to make this a priority besides/after quitting alcohol. It's time to do the work to make sure it never looks like a good option or your best possible coping mechanism again. Its important to your entire future…and she knows this. Don't blow it off. Take whatever the NEXT step is for YOU. Then another. Make it a focus. Not just an afterthought you might fit in if its super convenient.
This thing can and has the power to tank your ENTIRE LIFE. Starting with your current relationship it seems. Find positive alternatives that work to fill the space it occupies in your world, and that serve the purpose alcohol fills for you. It's important. Good Luck.
The Autism will not vanish with therapy.
But it being detectable for others/ others bearing the consequences of Autism induced a-hole behaviour CAN be lessened.
I once have managed to get an Asperger autistic young man to actually figure out how the guy transformed into a bug feels in Kafkas “The Metamorphosis”.
They kind of “read” and mentally calculate/gues, but it is possible to be autistic and no overbearing ah as OPs crush is.
Did you get tested after your last partner, and before her? How long ago was your last partner? STIs can be dormant for weeks so how do you know you didn't give it to her?
skank is a prety fun words
Maybe back then she was just really flirty with everyone and didn't have deep feelings for you like you had for her.
If you're going to marry her someday, you should ask for a post-nuptial agreement that will have a cheating clause (ex. the betrayed spouse will get paid such amount if cheating happens)
I only read the first sentence of your post. Yes, this is abuse.
It's still being unfaithful. No doubt.
How are you this obtuse at your big age? You will stay single until you grow up.