Am I (36m) Taking My Wife’s (35f) Comment About Oral Sex Too Hard?

I posted this to r/dead bedrooms but the response was just toxic/misogynistic so I’m hoping for a better perspective here. This week I had the most embarrassing experience and I’m afraid I’m going to let it ruin my sex life forever.

I (36) have been with my wife (35) for 7 years, married for 5. Since the beginning of our relationship I always had a higher sex drive, but it was never too bad a mismatch. There were some instances where I wish she prioritized sex more (ex: she didn’t pack lingerie or anything sexy on our honeymoon because all she was interested in was food and activities). But she has always said she enjoys having sex with me and I love everything else about her so I’ve made it work.

But once my son was conceived 4 years ago, sex was completely out of the relationship (except for a short stint last year when she was trying to get pregnant again). In the last 12 months we have had sex twice.

This weighs on me for sure. She is touch-averse in general, so I often feel touch starved, craving intimacy, etc…but I haven’t made it a thing in the relationship because I empathize with my wife and understand that it’s been a rough year for her – she’s dealt with health and personal issues that make me feel uncomfortable bringing up my physical needs. I’ve been sad she hasn’t felt desire for me during this time, but it’s understandable and I feel no resentment.

Some of her comments lately have made me question if she even likes sex. She has joked about “being practically asexual” and often says things like “men are evidence sexual attraction is not a choice because i would never choose to be into men.”

Now to this week…

We had a dinner date on Tuesday night and while waiting for a table she got an Amazon notification saying a replacement charging cable for her vibe was delivered. I guess the old one stopped working. She was started talking about how much she depended on her vibe, saying “oh thank god, there’s no way i can survive without this, i paid extra to have it delivered same day.”

I wasn’t sure what to make of this since it wasn’t a normal topic for her. Part of me felt self conscious that she was going to her toy but not to me, but I wanted to be optimistic. Maybe she was taking baby steps by opening up to me.

The next day she had the day off (I work from home). Our son had been a nightmare while I was on my morning calls, so I gave her a break and got him ready and down for a nap. When I was done she came into my office and announced “I’m gonna use my new charger, nut, and nap.” I thought it was unusual for her to tell me but I just enjoyed that she did.

Then I hear her moaning down the hall but in disappointment. She came back to my office and told me in a sad voice that she got the wrong charger and now she was frustrated. Normally I’m very shy to initiate sex, but this seemed like too obvious an opportunity, so I stood up grabbed her hand and said I can help, I can just get you off before your nap, no reciprocation necessary (something I’m into – which she knows).

Her response was disappointed and disgusted, “ugh..it’s just not the same.” That stopped me in my tracks and I told her ok I get it and sat back down. I think she felt bad and ended up cajoling to me to go down on her, which she wasn’t into at all. She ended up pushing me off her and telling me it was nice before changing topics immediately.

Afterwards she apologized and said she was taken by surprise and didn’t feel clean. And that she still wanted me.

And I apologized because I felt bad having a negative reaction when she said she wasn’t interested – she should be able to express that she’s not interested without me reacting negatively.

But basically vaporized my self-esteem. I have a lot of confidence issues in general and a really hard time feeling safe and accepted sexually. I am shy to initiate sex because of times when I was rejected by past partners and this was the worst of them all. It confirmed my fears that my wife isn’t disinterested in sex, she’s disinterested in me.

Before bed she pressed me to tell her how I felt and I was very candid and said that I totally understand and didn’t have any hard feelings towards her, because she’s not obligated to do anything with me, but it hurt my confidence.

I know she feels bad. She kept saying that she does want me, but the whole situation made me realize that she wants me in a very different way than I want her. And knowing that has flipped an off switch in me. She was super touchy today that is completely out of the norm. At one point asked me if I still like her, which of course I do. But now I don’t know if I’m mentally capable of sex. Probably not for a while.

I can’t tell if I’m making a big deal over nothing or if this is something others would struggle with?

Any advice on how to get past this mentally and not let it ruin sex?

And since I know it will come up: I don’t want to get divorced for a variety of reasons, mainly because I still love her and she’s an amazing mom.

TLDR: After a year of virtually no sex, my wife rejected an offer of oral sex after complaining she was horny and landed a blow to my self esteem.