I have yes. He said he stopped then I caught him…. Red handed so embarrassing. He was as white as a ghost. I told him I’m sorry for scaring you… why are you still doing this? He said he’s so sorry and didn’t want to wake me up and bother me excuses because I’m very much intimate. He says it’s it ans issue but he has done it again. I didn’t tell him I know though. I think inside my heart I feel tired and just fed up. Why do I have to tell a grown man that’s almost 50 to control himself? I find it odd that he doesn’t have any self control, or willing to be the man I need him to be.
Yeah your mistake is assuming your therapist is there to be your friend and to like you. They’re more like mechanics. Their job is to help you tune your brain up and you have to commit fully to the process and work with them for it to do anything.
You should have been told before the wedding so that you could decide if you'd continue down that road. They both hid it, and are still hiding it. They are both culpable.
I’ve been in a similar situation. The way I described it in therapy was “You gambled my entire life savings on a bet and it worked out. I’m happy it worked, but I’m mad you took the bet without asking me.”
Yes, you are dumb and can be on the hook for child support no matter what she says now. Why are you even on a babies and pregnancy forum anyways? To hookup and take advantage of desperate women trying to have a baby?'
Go get some therapy and wait to have a kid with someone you can actually raise the baby together with.
You should leave that relationship. He’s threatening you and emotionally manipulating you. He’s not going to commit suicide. If you’re truly concerned, tell somebody close to him and still leave. He is not your responsibility.
You tell him to stop playing the victim and to have a conversation like a mature person. Stop comforting him and grow a backbone.
Tell him that him playing the victim doesn’t solve anything and that those upset feelings you have are festering inside you and slowly destroying your love for him because you can’t have a proper conversation about it.
That if he wants to slowly kill the relationship by not listening and acting on these issues, he’s doing a good job.
And he will play the victim as you tell him all this. Stand your ground. And keep repeating the message for him to act like an adult and listen to you, to stop making it all about himself.
And if that fails, tell him you both needs to go to therapy to learn how to communicate to each other like an adult.
But do not comfort him.
Now, tricky part is, if he’s actually an abusive manipulator and gaslighter, he may end up resorting to anger when he realises his tears don’t work anymore. If that happens, run, because this is more than just bad communication.
But, on the off chance someone goes through something similar, everyone who willingly does a prank like this should be at the very least given a long time out, and also if you feel you might commit suicide, go to the ER. At least you'll be safe for a bit, and at best, given some resources
Firstly, you’re a bada** mama and I’m sure you’re more than capable of being an awesome parent to those wee babes for 5 days on your own. But if you’re not comfortable with that, then whether you can or not doesn’t even matter.
Secondly, I’m very stuck on him planning a 5 day bachelor party for a dude who isn’t even inviting hi. To the wedding?! What on earth is this nonsense?!
Find out what’s really going on and tell your husband how dodgy this all sounds.
Plopping a shanty on a piece of land doesn't make it more valuable (hence the taxes were so fkn low). If the governement (who always gets their cut), didn't value it higher, then it wasn't worth more.
I had a vasectomy it’s no picnic phantom pains for 12 months where I thought a ghost kicked me in the balls. What about when he’s 50 and leaves you for his personal trainer who wants kids?
She is 18. If you want a real relationship, stay away from that age group. I'm not saying all are basically out exploring, but it's like an 8 out of 10 that do.
She says she's happy single so don't get back with her. Doesn't matter if she is talking to anyone else, single people still talk. It sounds like while you were “open” she wasn't aware of your behavior, so how open was it really? Open relationships have communication and avoid hiding and lying.
And yeah her having sex with someone after the breakup isn't cheating or betraying.
You might not have thought anything about Chris' behavior, but he clearly found you attractive and was probably trying to give a real good impression. He probably spent more time outside to be near you on purpose.
Stay clear of weirdo Chris that is painting his wife as irrational, but was having ulterior motives around you.
In the future, treat a couple like a couple. Don't single out one over the other.
Oké OP, you now have to stand your ground and not let your wife do whatever she wants. She has to respect your wishes without being “offended”. It's now your time to see your family and she has to respect that.
Honesty, the whole thing shouldn't even happen to start with. It's like she's used to go over your boundaries and do whatever she likes. Can't imagine doing this to my hubby.
You are doing to find and feel just how little she loves you if you choose option 2. This is monkey branching. Never be someone’s second choice. You will never be a priority for her going forward and she will always prioritize him over you.
If you want to be in a poly relationship with her and don't think it will destroy you mentally, then do that. But make sure that you both have set guidelines and boundaries in place before proceeding .
These are great questions. I think now I do feel more equal than before. There are still times though when he makes a decision and I have to remind him that I have an opinion too and that he doesn’t always know better. He can be subconsciously patronizing but every time I have brought it up he did listen.
Well she’s still going to age isn’t she??? Does he expect to date 20-30 year olds when he’s 50 or does he expect to be celibate for the rest of his life when he ages out of the hot ppl?? This guy needs a boatload of therapy…
You're right- it's over. Definitely get the test- make sure he has hard copies, digital copies, etc. Make sure he has it in black and white when you serve him the divorce papers. Once he's asked, there's no way he will ever believe it's his kid without it, so make sure your child doesn't miss any time with him since the marriage is already over.
On a side note, I don't think that asking for a paternity test is always wrong. If you are not exclusively dating, or if you have only just started dating, or if it's a casual thing, it would be stupid NOT to get one. When I got pregnant, even though I hadn't been with anyone else in almost two years, I offered my then very new boyfriend who had a history of infertility a DNA test as soon as I found out, because I knew those were circumstances where one would absolutely be warranted and I didn't want him to be afraid to ask. But when it's a spouse, someone you have spent years with, and especially if you planned it…fuck that guy. You deserve better.
Irrelevant list that does not prove what you think it does. Those numbers just show when it becomes mandatory for parents to enlist kids in public/private school not kindergarten, aka the age they can be redshirted till. Only 19 states +DC have mandatory kindergarten all other states allow kids to start at grade one or grade two with their proper age groups, which lines em up to still graduate at 17/18. The only state that still has the mandatory age at 8 is Washington and even then when those kids start they start in grade 3 once again lining them up to graduate at 17/18.
Just a tip, but it’s probably a good idea to actually understand the context of the links you’re using bud.
“Hey, loyal gf who’s done everything for me: I’m a giant sack and I don’t deserve you. I’m selfish and self serving and a terrible example for our child, and I have no intention of ever improving, and you are both objectively better off without me in your life on the daily. I’m leaving, I’m not sorry. The good news is you’re still young and can obviously do better, so look at this as an opportunity, not a loss. With my albatross arse out of your life, you have a second chance at a good life.”
I think everyone is overreacting here. We've got very minimal information here. We have no information on what her parents have done for him to make such an outlandish threat. And my God, have you people never said anything that you didn't mean? I have been abused. In every way imaginable. I've had extensive therapy. I can recognize abuse when I see it. I'm not convinced this is. I need more information before I tell this young woman to ruin her life. What if her parents are being abusive to her AND the fiancé? And she's so accustomed to being controlled and abused by her own family, that her husband is upset? We don't have the information needed to make a level minded judgment here. The comments here are actually more terrifying to me than that actual post.
You clearly didn’t read the post throughly. The child is SIX. He’s been with his wife four years. This happened before he met his wife. Yes, it’s absolutely sickening that you’re so apathetic.
You may want to go back to your OP and add that detail. The way you have it written now, a person can logically assume that you were involved with a man who was engaged, which according to you was not the case, the man was your bf, who took up with and married another woman.
This is not at all about you liking a dress over him. He’s gaslighting. This totally about insecurity and him wanting to have bodily control over you. This is as red a flag as flags get. He doesn’t see you as an equal but as his property. Do not let him railroad you like this. I’m not going to tell you to dump him, that’s your decision. But you need to reframe this conversation in a way that asserts yourself as an equal to him and to at you won’t be told what to do or what to wear. This is where it starts. What about when he starts telling you who you can hang out with? “Is that person more important to you than me?” Where does that line of questioning end? You are your own person and if he can’t respect that then you need to leave him be.
Honey you’re fixing up your house, you don’t also need to be fixing up your man.
He won’t get help, he treats you light actual shit then cries childhood trauma when anything that looks like accountability comes his way. By staying with you you’re enabling this behavior. If he was working with a therapist and making headway then fine, stick it out but he’s not. Plus he tells you he hates you and the relationship ship, that’s got nothing to do with XYZ that’s him being cruel and then comes crawling back with affection and niceties, that’s him being manipulative. He needs to grow up and deal with his shit frankly.
Sounds to me that you married the wrong person.
I have yes. He said he stopped then I caught him…. Red handed so embarrassing. He was as white as a ghost. I told him I’m sorry for scaring you… why are you still doing this? He said he’s so sorry and didn’t want to wake me up and bother me excuses because I’m very much intimate. He says it’s it ans issue but he has done it again. I didn’t tell him I know though. I think inside my heart I feel tired and just fed up. Why do I have to tell a grown man that’s almost 50 to control himself? I find it odd that he doesn’t have any self control, or willing to be the man I need him to be.
Yeah your mistake is assuming your therapist is there to be your friend and to like you. They’re more like mechanics. Their job is to help you tune your brain up and you have to commit fully to the process and work with them for it to do anything.
You got it,
If you follow through with a movie date here are pro tips
Make the room you r gonna snuggle in “cold” It makes like snuggling more fun
Fuzzy blankets r also a pro move
Pick a good movie but not too good so y’all focus on each other and not the movie
Have snacks and water
And mints?
You should have been told before the wedding so that you could decide if you'd continue down that road. They both hid it, and are still hiding it. They are both culpable.
I’ve been in a similar situation. The way I described it in therapy was “You gambled my entire life savings on a bet and it worked out. I’m happy it worked, but I’m mad you took the bet without asking me.”
Pierce Brosnan is another great example of a devoted husband in Hollywood.
Check OPs profile, seems like they are together.
It worries me how the best friends girlfriend doesn’t see anything going on if OP is.
Despite what reddit believes… dating multiple people at one time is irrational and mad. How the fuck do you have the time idk
Yes, you are dumb and can be on the hook for child support no matter what she says now. Why are you even on a babies and pregnancy forum anyways? To hookup and take advantage of desperate women trying to have a baby?'
Go get some therapy and wait to have a kid with someone you can actually raise the baby together with.
both of them are shitty people asshole
From an outsider perspective:
Marriage is for children and strengthening existing family connections.
Dating is for romance, sex and love
You should leave that relationship. He’s threatening you and emotionally manipulating you. He’s not going to commit suicide. If you’re truly concerned, tell somebody close to him and still leave. He is not your responsibility.
You tell him to stop playing the victim and to have a conversation like a mature person. Stop comforting him and grow a backbone.
Tell him that him playing the victim doesn’t solve anything and that those upset feelings you have are festering inside you and slowly destroying your love for him because you can’t have a proper conversation about it.
That if he wants to slowly kill the relationship by not listening and acting on these issues, he’s doing a good job.
And he will play the victim as you tell him all this. Stand your ground. And keep repeating the message for him to act like an adult and listen to you, to stop making it all about himself.
And if that fails, tell him you both needs to go to therapy to learn how to communicate to each other like an adult.
But do not comfort him.
Now, tricky part is, if he’s actually an abusive manipulator and gaslighter, he may end up resorting to anger when he realises his tears don’t work anymore. If that happens, run, because this is more than just bad communication.
Alright, then neither does the opinion of anyone here without a college degree.
DON'T DO IT!!
Tell her to go to Mexico, swim across the river, and turn herself in to Border Patrol.
Problem solved!
She'll get healthcare, a plane ticket, a phone, and voting rights.
We’ve seen this movie, girl. Run and save the child.
True
Yes. Please re-home the puppy to someone that will care and appropriately look after/train them.
Would you be able to eventually marry without you joining the cult? I highly doubt it. There's no realistic way for the two of you to be together.
Wow, that’s awful! I couldn’t be with someone who made a derogatory comment after our first time sleeping together.
This is obviously fake. You need practice.
But, on the off chance someone goes through something similar, everyone who willingly does a prank like this should be at the very least given a long time out, and also if you feel you might commit suicide, go to the ER. At least you'll be safe for a bit, and at best, given some resources
i had a foursome and it went kinda meh
Firstly, you’re a bada** mama and I’m sure you’re more than capable of being an awesome parent to those wee babes for 5 days on your own. But if you’re not comfortable with that, then whether you can or not doesn’t even matter.
Secondly, I’m very stuck on him planning a 5 day bachelor party for a dude who isn’t even inviting hi. To the wedding?! What on earth is this nonsense?!
Find out what’s really going on and tell your husband how dodgy this all sounds.
Thank you.
Plopping a shanty on a piece of land doesn't make it more valuable (hence the taxes were so fkn low). If the governement (who always gets their cut), didn't value it higher, then it wasn't worth more.
I think it was a festival she was going to and not a conference. I can’t remember/find it though either
I had a vasectomy it’s no picnic phantom pains for 12 months where I thought a ghost kicked me in the balls. What about when he’s 50 and leaves you for his personal trainer who wants kids?
that was my take on this too – this reaction sounds like someone’s who is accused of cheating more than once
She is 18. If you want a real relationship, stay away from that age group. I'm not saying all are basically out exploring, but it's like an 8 out of 10 that do.
I would reccomend talking to a therapist before ending the relationship.
She says she's happy single so don't get back with her. Doesn't matter if she is talking to anyone else, single people still talk. It sounds like while you were “open” she wasn't aware of your behavior, so how open was it really? Open relationships have communication and avoid hiding and lying.
And yeah her having sex with someone after the breakup isn't cheating or betraying.
You might not have thought anything about Chris' behavior, but he clearly found you attractive and was probably trying to give a real good impression. He probably spent more time outside to be near you on purpose.
Stay clear of weirdo Chris that is painting his wife as irrational, but was having ulterior motives around you.
In the future, treat a couple like a couple. Don't single out one over the other.
Oké OP, you now have to stand your ground and not let your wife do whatever she wants. She has to respect your wishes without being “offended”. It's now your time to see your family and she has to respect that.
Honesty, the whole thing shouldn't even happen to start with. It's like she's used to go over your boundaries and do whatever she likes. Can't imagine doing this to my hubby.
Stick with your boundaries.
You are doing to find and feel just how little she loves you if you choose option 2. This is monkey branching. Never be someone’s second choice. You will never be a priority for her going forward and she will always prioritize him over you.
If you want to be in a poly relationship with her and don't think it will destroy you mentally, then do that. But make sure that you both have set guidelines and boundaries in place before proceeding .
I agree with the other comment here. It seems like she did you a favor! She probably did want you to chase her or some shit. Good riddance
Besides your question, if he cheats on you………don't act like a victim, because you won't be.
These are great questions. I think now I do feel more equal than before. There are still times though when he makes a decision and I have to remind him that I have an opinion too and that he doesn’t always know better. He can be subconsciously patronizing but every time I have brought it up he did listen.
Well she’s still going to age isn’t she??? Does he expect to date 20-30 year olds when he’s 50 or does he expect to be celibate for the rest of his life when he ages out of the hot ppl?? This guy needs a boatload of therapy…
You're right- it's over. Definitely get the test- make sure he has hard copies, digital copies, etc. Make sure he has it in black and white when you serve him the divorce papers. Once he's asked, there's no way he will ever believe it's his kid without it, so make sure your child doesn't miss any time with him since the marriage is already over.
On a side note, I don't think that asking for a paternity test is always wrong. If you are not exclusively dating, or if you have only just started dating, or if it's a casual thing, it would be stupid NOT to get one. When I got pregnant, even though I hadn't been with anyone else in almost two years, I offered my then very new boyfriend who had a history of infertility a DNA test as soon as I found out, because I knew those were circumstances where one would absolutely be warranted and I didn't want him to be afraid to ask. But when it's a spouse, someone you have spent years with, and especially if you planned it…fuck that guy. You deserve better.
You knew the baby was his… why would you bully him into getting proof if there were no doubts?
Why she’s rude or why she sexts me?
and only for one night!!!
ONE
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope you’ve gotten any help or support you need.
Sounds like you should get rid of that body pillow. Maybe figure a way to be dramatic and destroy it in front of her.
You’re married?
Irrelevant list that does not prove what you think it does. Those numbers just show when it becomes mandatory for parents to enlist kids in public/private school not kindergarten, aka the age they can be redshirted till. Only 19 states +DC have mandatory kindergarten all other states allow kids to start at grade one or grade two with their proper age groups, which lines em up to still graduate at 17/18. The only state that still has the mandatory age at 8 is Washington and even then when those kids start they start in grade 3 once again lining them up to graduate at 17/18.
Just a tip, but it’s probably a good idea to actually understand the context of the links you’re using bud.
Was the age difference damaging, or was it something else?
You're talking about a VASTLY different developmental stage in this situation. A gap ten years greater isn't a problem.
you are a fucking creep, so when you were 37 you asked a 19 year old to move away with you….gtfoh you suck
Then he should do it this way:
“Hey, loyal gf who’s done everything for me: I’m a giant sack and I don’t deserve you. I’m selfish and self serving and a terrible example for our child, and I have no intention of ever improving, and you are both objectively better off without me in your life on the daily. I’m leaving, I’m not sorry. The good news is you’re still young and can obviously do better, so look at this as an opportunity, not a loss. With my albatross arse out of your life, you have a second chance at a good life.”
I think everyone is overreacting here. We've got very minimal information here. We have no information on what her parents have done for him to make such an outlandish threat. And my God, have you people never said anything that you didn't mean? I have been abused. In every way imaginable. I've had extensive therapy. I can recognize abuse when I see it. I'm not convinced this is. I need more information before I tell this young woman to ruin her life. What if her parents are being abusive to her AND the fiancé? And she's so accustomed to being controlled and abused by her own family, that her husband is upset? We don't have the information needed to make a level minded judgment here. The comments here are actually more terrifying to me than that actual post.
He's been lusting for and fantasizing about you for so long, now he has you on such a high pedastal he's afraid to make the climb?
Who says the guy is rational?
You clearly didn’t read the post throughly. The child is SIX. He’s been with his wife four years. This happened before he met his wife. Yes, it’s absolutely sickening that you’re so apathetic.
Yeah this seems super sketchy overall. Almost like he picked a great day and wanted to remind her of it by asking for that pic.
When you move on from someone you don’t reach out to get memories, just not how it works at least for me.
Something seems way off here to me personally.
yeah, you have a stupid mind of a 3 year old
yeah, you have a stupid mind of a 3 year old
You need to fking leave and he needs to get help.
You may want to go back to your OP and add that detail. The way you have it written now, a person can logically assume that you were involved with a man who was engaged, which according to you was not the case, the man was your bf, who took up with and married another woman.
This is not at all about you liking a dress over him. He’s gaslighting. This totally about insecurity and him wanting to have bodily control over you. This is as red a flag as flags get. He doesn’t see you as an equal but as his property. Do not let him railroad you like this. I’m not going to tell you to dump him, that’s your decision. But you need to reframe this conversation in a way that asserts yourself as an equal to him and to at you won’t be told what to do or what to wear. This is where it starts. What about when he starts telling you who you can hang out with? “Is that person more important to you than me?” Where does that line of questioning end? You are your own person and if he can’t respect that then you need to leave him be.
Thanks for the response, maybe I am jumping the gun then. I love the cat analogy
Nope. I’d break up the second someone started trying to control what I wear. This is the first step into controlling more parts of your life.
Are there other aspects of your relationship he has issues with?
Why do redditors act like lawyers are free
That is probably so culturally specific that you should look at a subreddit of only your culture.
Leave your past behind you and move forward. That includes not contacting your ex.
Honey you’re fixing up your house, you don’t also need to be fixing up your man.
He won’t get help, he treats you light actual shit then cries childhood trauma when anything that looks like accountability comes his way. By staying with you you’re enabling this behavior. If he was working with a therapist and making headway then fine, stick it out but he’s not. Plus he tells you he hates you and the relationship ship, that’s got nothing to do with XYZ that’s him being cruel and then comes crawling back with affection and niceties, that’s him being manipulative. He needs to grow up and deal with his shit frankly.
Get a partner not a project.
I need to hear the wife’s side of the story.
Advice? Say NO! If you're not ready… just say NO!