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MIAH , ❤️, 21 y.o.
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Date: October 23, 2022
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Your wife hasn't been hacked, she's suffering from psychosis. Postpartum psychosis is most likely, and this is way above Reddit's pay grade. You need to potentially contact family to help and she needs to genuinely be evaluated, as she is suffering delusions and they won't simply go away.
There is more love than anything in our relationship, I will say that first. I wouldn’t call it unhealthy necessarily, but very difficult. We are each others first loves after all, and we’ve come to learn a lot from each other..through the bad and good.
In the rougher patches we did get into “arguments” a good amount. I say “” around arguments because they’re not the typical kind of mean words and yelling back and forth, but rather both of us being upset and frustrated with our situation. Though we would always sit and talk it out, and eventually make up, both tired and wanting to just hold the other to heal. We’d never go to sleep without saying goodnight and I love you to the other.
I can get into some examples, but I won’t go into every one. It was never one really big thing, but rather an accumulation of smaller ones. Things like me feeling as though he’s not putting as much effort or sacrifice as I am. Not being there for me when I needed him, whether I asked him to come over, watch a movie with me, call..small things like that. Not being as affectionate as he was before in a physical sense, which I needed the most because I was (still kinda am, just not as much) in a hard mental spot. He’s occasionally made comments or “jokes” that hurt my feelings that he didn’t realize did. It’s stuff like that.
We talked over all of these things, sometimes more than once over time. He’s apologized countless times and promised to make it up to me. He has definitely improved. He listens so well, and never gets defensive or invalidates my feelings. I’ve never had someone be there for me like he has.
Though it is difficult for him. I can see it. Every time that something happens between us he hates himself for it. He doesn’t want to hurt me, but it happens. Sometimes words slip that you don’t think about and you do something you don’t realize is hurting someone. That’s why I think it’s okay, in the sense that I wouldn’t leave him. But I don’t think it’s okay for it to happen over and over again.
Although now these things are forgiven in a sense, I’ll still never forget them or how I felt. They don’t affect me the same amount as back then, but I still think about those moments a lot. I’ve moved on, but I haven’t forgotten, and sometimes when we get into something I rethink of all of my old pain. That’s the problem. Even if our current situation is nothing close to whatever I think of from the past.
I learned very early in relationships, meaning about 40 years ago, to never say anything in anger that can't be taken back because you can also never undo the damage to trust and a relationship that it causes. It sounds to me like he hasn't learned that lesson at all. Even if something like that crossed my mind in anger, as a way to lash out and hurt an SO that I felt was hurting me, I'd NEVER say it. That's just nothing but emotional/psychological abuse.
Personally, if done to me, it would be the beginning of me finding an exit strategy from the relationship. My wife is 7 years younger than me, worked full time when we met… We met at work actually. After we'd been married a few years, and had a couple of kids, I got a job making really decent money, and told her that if she wanted to stay home with the kids, that was fine with me… It saved us a shitload of money on childcare which, by the time it was paid and everything that went along with her working, most of what she made was used to pay for all that. In the end, it was more financially sound for her to be a stay at home mom, than to continue to work, especially by the time our 4th kid came along. I never found anything embarrassing about her staying at home, and don't understand why anyone would with kids in the household. I really don't think that is an age difference things because I'm 26 years older than he is and don't feel that way. I did the stay at home dad thing once, when I was laid off for an extended amount of time, and it's hard work – I was damned glad when it was time for me to return to work, other than the fact that I love my kids and enjoyed spending all the time with them… Just hated the cleaning and general chores of it.
I think you need to take serious stock in your relationship, but I think that you need to have a long, non-aggressive talk with him first to see if that's how he really feels, or if he was just lashing out from stress or whatever. If he was lashing out, then you need to have a serious talk about boundaries and positive communication in the relationship. Marriage counseling may be an option for the two of you as well.
I wish you luck. It's hard to have to make a decision whether or not to throw away a five year relationship. I've had to do it in the past and it sucks on so many levels. But, if you're taking care of the house and the children, when he isn't participating, then there is NOTHING embarrassing about what you're doing. The only person that SHOULD be embarrassed, is him for acting like a twat.
I have no family here to stay with. We moved to a new province 6 months ago. But I can stay in a hotel. I don’t want to divorce though. I really don’t. I would 100% do marriage counseling though and think we need it at this point.
Yes, the two are linked. But harping more on weight than health just gives the impression that he wants her to look a certain way. I see no way he was being respectful in his approach.
Especially given that he himself said that he uses the wrong words. Not to mention, he doesn't seem to understand that his critique is unwanted while she is putting in the effort. And he's still fighting her boundary of not discussing her weight, not her health. She didn't say he couldn't talk about her health, just her weight. It could be just as likely that she is trying to change her habits, just not the way he thinks she should, so he doesn't see it as effort.
And he doesn't mention her overall health but maybe twice, but everything else is about her weight. You can be a higher weight and actually be healthier than if you were thin.
He also doesn't mention her background. Maybe she's had eating disorders, maybe she's had a history of weight fluctuations, maybe she's had chronic depression her whole ife.
For all we know, she could have been anorexic when they got together, and the weight gain was actually a good thing.
Don't pay for a man…have him pay because if he wants to be with you he would WANT TO…wine and dine you. Work on yourself …when you start to love and value yourself you will meet people that will value you too.
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It does not sound like you should be moving in together
Let's not pretend that you don't know that your girlfriend is going to cheat on you wait a minute I made a mistake your ex-girlfriend. She tried to make a deal so that she can get a hall pass you said no so she said okay do not fucking believe her. She's going to cheat she is just going to try to be better at hiding it
I should rephrase: I don't want to break up with him cuz I hate the idea of a not having him by my side breaks my heart but that I know i should break up bc of reasons you stated in your comment.
If he “can” be better then he's making a conscious choice to treat you badly.
He yelled at you and called you psycho and crazy when you asked about his second Instagram? That would’ve been it for me. It sounds like he’s got some issues with anger and an avoidant attachment relationship style where they get close, freak out, get distant, end it, and then regret it. Over and over and over. It sucks
I don’t think 1 month of relationship is enough time to justify trying to work through it, but that’s just me
He's disinterested about your life, and when you express concern or discomfort he gets mad at you and makes it your fault. It doesn't seem like he cares about how you feel. Based off what you wrote he doesn't sound like a good partner. Your feelings sound valid and personally, his behaviour would be a dealbreaker for me.
How long have you been dating? Can you afford to live with him and save money? If you live with him, will you still be able to get to your job with no car?
If you live with him and you break up, will you be able to leave? Will you have somewhere to go if things get bad?
Do not trap yourself in a situation you can't get out of. Its better to work to be independent than to live with someone just to get away from your parents.
It almost sounds like she is trying to push you to ask for the divorce. Probably so she can play the victim and claim it’s all your fault
Maybe have balloons prepared for him to turn into dogs and stuff and like….he can’t . ?
I really don’t know but I think embarrassing him might be key. And she can always say “well it’s a joke”
But lord knows that would be mean, and they would say “he wasn’t trying to be mean”
Then what was he being? If he can’t take a joke!?
Oh, he was being disrespectful and they know it.
He also showed up to the club she was at. It’s screaming possessive nut job behavior.
She didn’t have to lie, but considering how you’ve been acting, she probably didn’t want to deal with you just because she went out with friends. She didn’t cheat and had no intentions to, so there’s no reason to lie about it. This isn’t healthy.
Block her everywhere. She is either bored or annoyed that she can no longer have you as a back up. You've done good that you have not spoken to her, just block her. You don't need the drama in your life.
With the number of stories on here of women raising children with a male partner who is checked out, both can be true….