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Date: September 23, 2022
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Well I would let your mom know or maybe go around the back door and ask your mom some round about questions like hey mom dad is acting weird isn't he or maybe hit things like that and see what she says. Or ask her a question in the terms of cheating like what she values it to be. Tell her your friend is cheating in his girlfriend and ur friends with both of them. That you need advice for what to do tell her that he's cheating on Her or stay out of it. See what ur mom says and go from there. But I would want to know but I would agree with another comment on thinking I bet she knows something is up already. If it was that obvious for you and easy to find it like that well then I'm sure your mom knows already. Sort of sad your dad is doing that as well. Cheating is a bad thing to do in a relationship or marriage. People that dont want to be in a relationship any more with someone should leave the relationship rather then indulge in sexual actions, lieing, and creating this whole drama bullcrap for you to begin with. Plus your dad knew the consequences when starting his crap cheating. It's called karma everyone gets caught they reep what they sow. Not your fault it's his and obviously he needs some sexual therapy for sure. But the longer you wait to do something about it the longer u r going to feel like crap. Get it out and u guys will get past it. This time next year it won't even prolly be a thing anymore. Stop sitting on stressful crap. U should be worried about all that at 15 and should be living a normal 15 yr old life. Unfortunately your dad is the one who messed that up. I hope all goes well with u take care!
I would require her to explain what is behind the feelings. If it is down to being jealous of you having kids in previous relationship she need to get over that fast. If it is about her wanting a kid with you, you need to align expectations. Finally (as a parent I can relate to this) if it is about your childrens wellbeing, then you really need to understand what makes it difficult with combining your families. Is it different views on parenting et c? If your kids are not adult she needs to understand that being with you in the long run is the full package. She will need to open her hart and you will need to work together to become a family that include all the kids. Just my view and I really hope it works out for you.
She's over it. Don't drag out the inevitable.
When are you going to delete this post?
His reaction is a bit of a red flag.
My suggestion, call the hotel and ask if you can get a bill for the stay emailed over to the account on file. If they say sure thing, then you know he’s lying. If they say they can’t find any stays with his name, then he didn’t lie – but still strange you found the card in your bedroom…so who left it.
i hope you realize that if you love him and HE DOES NOT RECIPROCATE, that is an issue. He’s insecure and needs to be with someone he can accept, cause you my friend are NOT acceptable in his eyes.
The comments here are toxic. I wouldn't jump to rape, I'd say you need a discussion about boundaries and what is allowed during drunken nights. He was also intoxicated so decision making isn't well.
I totally have and will probably forever.
Sometimes I like to get off several times a day or will be extra horny after sex even if the sex was great and satisfying. In my house, we share a room and I’m not going to the bathroom for privacy (not a guy, and I generally can’t finish standing).
Is it a little awkward if I get interrupted or if my partner wakes up? Yes, and I’ve definitely stopped on that account, but we also both know that I get a little horny sometimes so it’s not out of the blue for anyone.
I don’t necessarily understand how it’s violating if you live together if he’s just proximate to you or not involving you— I assume you normally sleep in the same bed, which is often or usually where people masturbate. If you now realize that makes you extremely uncomfortable, well, you need to communicate that and set a boundary going forward but I don’t think it’s fair to expect someone to know they weren’t supposed to do that in their own bed, even if you share it (I guess I would think that, though, lol).
I understand being upset about a dry spell but I think there are tons of reasons people might not have the physical or emotional energy for sex with a partner but want to masturbate. Personally, I also consider masturbation enough of a personal thing to not hold it over people’s heads or take it personally— if there’s a dry spell, that can be addressed in its own right without expecting people to also stop engaging sexually with themselves.
The recording part is strange, if he wasn’t actually watching something he could be engaging in anonymous online sex (not out of bounds in my relationship, but could definitely be for most people).
He may also just… like doing that? But my first thought was, if you don’t send each other nudes/etc (my partner and I do send nudes still even though we live together) that he may be sending them somewhere, whether it’s just posting his d*ck online or to someone in particular (stranger or otherwise).
I’d definitely be curious if I were you, OP, and the only way to know is ask.
You haven’t said that either of them are making you decide who to pick. This is something you might want to talk to your mom about to get her perspective. She might not want you to go, but she will feel guilty about making you stay. There isn’t a win win unless you immigrant your mom to you once you get settled in. You can even have her visit and decide what she would want to do.
No, no, no… Don't ask anyone. Don't even approach the subject. That will just make things all the more awkward, and OP might get totally uninvited. OP needs to let this go. The wedding is not about them.
100 PERCENT WANK MATERIAL
Don’t even bother with her, she’s a frustrated gremlin who believes females now have a free pass to say whatever they want about males.
At 22 I wish I had as much sense and self worth as you have at 22! Good for you for understanding boundaries sooo early and having the confidence to articulate them so clearly. Stick to your guns and the right one will stick.
Both families will want their religious views primary. There is no compromise.
This problem is very common and the results incompatible. There is no surprise here.
So what are you implying?
Ok so close friends and family know then?
Why are you not angry about her behaviour and ending the relationship?
Someone that lacks empathy is supposed to be a deal breaker.
Your wife is a stone cold liar dude. You say you know she never cheated, but I hate to break it to you, you have absolutely no idea. The only reason you know this much is because you found evidence (it’s not like she ever admitted this stuff).
You’re asking how you can trust her moving forward. You can’t. She’s a liar and that’s just who she is. Lying about having a past sexual relationship with this guy is a MAJOR red flag. Now she’s lying to him passing herself off as single? Good god man, she was planning on cheating on you.
If I were you, I would divorce. No way in hell I’m staying married to a woman I can’t trust
This is so confusing. So Thursday you went somewhere with your mom, and gf stayed home.
Friday nothing happened.
Saturday there was a work event. I’m guessing you work for the same place and attended together? It’s hard to tell from your post. Then she went to a hotel (her hotel room? Her friends hotel room?) to take a nap??
And then you spent the next eight hours repeatedly texting her and calling her.
And on Sunday you were angry that she didn’t rely and she was angry that you kept calling her when she was out with her friend.
You fought, and she made a rule that you have to ask permission to hug and kiss her. Why?
There are so many random bits of info here
Right… because he doesn’t care how you feel. If he did, he would’ve visited you, taken care of you, and been concerned about you. This isn’t something you should have to explain to him.
This has happened to me before and I have vowed to never do it again. He’s choosing to actively be with you and that needs to bring you peace of mind. It’s in the past, so unless the things you saw had overlap with your current relationship, you need to try your best to believe him when he compliments you. I would also prioritize self-care and work on your self image so maybe something like this would have less of an affect on you in the future, because unfortunately at the end of the day this reflects more on you than it does him
It's gonna heart for the moment. You're essentially weaning yourself off an addiction (which chemically speaking love is pretty identical to as far as your brain perceives it).
But the most healthy thing to do here is to turn the page on that chapter of your life with the intention of never looking back.
Pining for her and regurgitating thoughts/feelings of the past is only gonna be a more one-sided, unrequited affair the longer you try to maintain in her orbit.
Accept your new reality. Hard as it may be.
If he doesn't respect you or family there's no point in giving him another opportunity as its very likely he will end up doing it all over again when you supposedly annoy him and he let's his anger get the better of him.
I'm assuming you already knew that before you started dating or earlier on. Why is it a problem now? Is the body count a high number?
Give yourself the same time, and no contact, to heal and improve yourself
False
“We have had the conversations”.
Are you sure about this? I realize that sounds nutty, but is it surface level stuff, like you expressing concern about his lack of follow through and him saying he'll try harder? If so, you may need to take this deeper. One decent litmus test is if there's anything you've said in your question that you haven't said to him?
For example, you said it “kills” you that he's so smart, but he does nothing with that. I'm not sure what you mean by that, but it would be puzzling if it doesn't degrade your liking of him or respect for him. (I might be projecting a bit here, in the sense this would definitely apply to me. Your mileage may vary.
It's really hard to come up with ideas! But I do think you might be overdue for a gut level, fully honest, deep dive convo about all of this. It doesn't have to be contentious, but if thoughts are starting to intrude that he's holding you back, or you're starting to feel resentful, you can't sit on this. The same applies to kids. If you really want them, but you're concerned that his lack of motivation might extend to parenting, again this has to address. I don't know, maybe couples counseling?
My ex boyfriend had the opportunity to get free Tom Petty tickets on MY birthday but since he didn't wanna go nobody did. I would've taken my mom. Now it's obviously too late and I still hate that I missed it. You already graduated technically and the two of you could celebrate another day just the two of you.
Absolutely, I grew up a military child. My father was gone multiple times as a child, the last for 13 months. My mother had to be both a mother and a father while he was gone. This woman sounds like she would melt down if she had to live up to those challenges.
If you’re trying to avoid getting hurt again, you won’t get anywhere. Maybe she’s also trying to avoid getting hurt as well. In my experience, MOST women aren’t going to “make the first move” especially after a failed relationship. I say instead of confronting her about her interest in you, you ask her for a “real” actual date instead of friendly hangouts and see where that goes.
Everyone makes mistakes, I burned some toast the other day. Never took a swing at the person I claim to love.
Even if he all of a sudden perks up, you’ve already more seen closer to his true colors.
She thinks it’s icky
Yeah me too. „I started dating Nick when i was 15 but it was a secret because he told me that im so special to him and that it would be more fun if our relationship is hidden so we could enjoy it just the two of us alone“
He said he felt uncomfortable about it because he wasn’t sure if it was inappropriate or no
So, he knew it wasn't okay for him to get her sex toys and he did it anyway. He didn't tell you because he knew what he was doing.
I'd be asking your friend and your husband point blank if they have feelings for each other. If she does not immediately jump to “why the fuck did he think that was an okay gift” I'd bet money they've been having inappropriate conversations about sex.
Become bisexual, show dominance, fuck her ex.
Life is short. Time is precious. You are in charge of your happiness.
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I have this issue with my partner, he enabled a lot of my mother in laws behavior and eventually I had to tell him to stop. I made him see it for what it is and eventually he learned to start telling his mother no and hint at her that she wasn't welcomed when we would go on trips.
The guy can either man up or just leave him… latin mother's are the worst and have a strange hold on their kids.
Well, it’s a kink of his obviously or his curious. Are you going to use it?
she religious, no sex before marriage
Being very blunt, he thinks women aren’t as smart as men and you’re a woman. Therefore, it’s a matter of time until he starts questioning your decisions in life, career, relationships etc. Just think of that since your relationship is a few months old. People tend to start showing their real thoughts/beliefs after a few months, not in the very beginning of a relationship.
The part about your story that stands out to me is that you're only hearing how they feel 2nd hand from other friends?
If you've only heard 2nd hand grumbles/rumors, then there is no reason to reach out to them with invites, although you can ask them to address the rumours if you want.
Imo it's on them to reach out to you to ask if you'll accept an apology after realising it's because of their snub. If they're not communicating with your directly, then they're not really being friends with you, are they.m
Yeah also, it's not your kid and it's really none of your business
He's lying to you and he put it on another device, iPad or another phone. Good luck
I just wish he communicated with me instead of blocking. We had sex a week ago. Im not even sure it’s a girlfriend because why block me??? Why not just ignore me like before??
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He’s been unfaithful from the beginning but you went on to have two kids and accept his marriage proposal. I don’t see anything that I would call abusive, but I do think he’s treating you horribly. I just can’t figure out why you’re upset now if he started cheating in the beginning and you stayed, had two kids and agreed to marry him? Why is this now the last straw? I’m not saying it’s not bad, I’m asking what has changed?
You should probably find a man who can plan, tell time and respect you. This guy can’t do any of that. There’s no long term relationship here. You’re wasting your time.
I was really bummed when I realized after the fact that I basically gave them the content they wanted, it’s a lose lose situation unfortunately
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What about you? Did she think about you when she broke up with you? You both seem like nice people, but you tried and it didn’t work. Don’t keep going back. You need to think about your own happiness. It doesn’t seem like you did anything wrong. You can’t be in a relationship just because you are afraid to hurt her. Hurting is part of life. Maybe the kindest thing you can do is just leave her alone and let her move on.
It's really dishonest to lead her on when you don't have the same feelings for her. Being touchy is probably one of her Love languages and ppl usually give what they want the most. If you don't want to give physical touch to let her feel loved, why go on with it? You will just cause more suffering the longer you wait.
As a practical step, you should not stop visiting your mum but stay in a nearby hotel or whatever. Visit her and invite her to meet you at hotel etc.
It's perfectly fine wanting to please the ones you love, but it should never be something that you're uncomfortable with.
Absolutely move back in with your mom. Recover from this relationship, get your feet back under you.
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You're gonna have plenty of time, 18 years worthy
Sad to say OP, your BF is not a good guy. He is super sweet as long everything is fine. He should be there for you all the time. Sickness and health. Now that you have been there for days, and knowing he would rather go party for New Year I stead of spending it with the woman he is supposed to love, think about your relationship and ask yourself if he really has been the best guy. Or are you telling yourself he is? He sounds like a prick who has had you if oring his little shortcomings because he is nice. This is the beginning of your relationship, the honeymoon phase, and he is like this. Imagine 5 years from now. 10….
Have you discussed what kinds of things work for you and the ways you would like him to initiate?
Even if you don't get back with your ex-partner, you can see about talking with him and apologize to each other. Be a Rowley, not a Greg.
ONG! That's serious! Hope you're ok now.
Agreed with you.
If she isn’t willing to put in effort, you can’t make her. It may be time to let it go.
It says someone commented but I cannot see it.
Uhhh use this as an opportunity to get outta that relationship. He wants to win every fight and die on each hill that’s not only hella annoying it’s prime grounds for an abusive relationship. You’re 22F you don’t have to put up with that. Don’t go crawling back to him
Thank you for the advice!
A few dates and still a stranger? When do you consider a person no longer a “stranger”?
So they can’t text about work? Because most texts are about work
Good for you man.
what part are you not understanding ??? it isnt a bad joke, it isnt A JOKE, hes serious. Hell fucking murder you.
Oh it definitely needs to be in caps ALL caps
Did you not read anything I said?
There is no proof he followed them in 2015. It could be last week for all we know. And he refuses to unfollow which is breaking boundaries and is disrespectful. Believe it or not but some people don’t like being in relationships with people that have porn addictions.
And no most people normalize porn, they also normalize cheating but that’s probably from your generation.
Your BIL is a predator. Ellie was stupid and scummy for agreeing to have the affair, but your BIL is the worst person in this equation.
Thanks for the response , I had a completely different definition for love bombing so whoops.
Umm are you two sleeping together every other week you hang out?
He's the one that sounds like a waste of time. He sounds POd that he couldn't have alone time with you someplace private right off the bat and is sulking. He sounds like a poor choice and not really worth the effort.
A guy in reddit found that out the hard way with his scat fetish
Couldn’t agree more, thank you!
He just wants to open it on his side? Classic. Let him know the relationship is indeed open on both ends since you aren't nearly as satisfied as he would like to think you are.
Yes maybe breaking up without admitting it might be the best option for both of us. Thanks for your advice
I interpreted this like he’s going to ask a different person to come if she doesn’t want to room share, and offered up the next non room sharing event
Or at least wishes she was.
She won't I'm sure
Maybe you need emotional stimulation for better lovemaking
I'd stop trying to make sense of why they did this terrible thing. You're going to keep going round in circles. Don't concern yourself with those two selfish assholes. Be there for your sister since you were both betrayed by two people you both thought were trust worthy. Go to counseling together.
You can break up with anyone for any reason, you don't have to justify it.
However, I think you're making the right choice in breaking up if it makes you feel any better.
She's under her family's thumb, and using you as her escape. And while it would be great if you could just constantly be her security blanket and whisk her away into a fantasy, that's now how life works. She's extremely insecure, and isn't learning how to really flourish into her own person because A – she's in a shitty home situation and B – she's relying on you to manage her feelings.
Neither of those are healthy situations. You can't fix the first one, she's just going to have to figure something out whether it be finally moving out either into an apartment or going away to a college or something, but you can fix the second one by setting her free.
It's harsh, but you can't “save” her. And trying to will only hurt you more.
I think the fact they made a pact is far worse than the actual cuddling.
The cuddling I think is fine, and they probably didn't need to make the pact anyway.
Don't jump to conclusions. There are reasons for a person to be off their phone besides infidelity. My wife teaches high school, where you're not even allowed to go to the bathroom except at certain specific times, and there would be days when she was unavailable by text from like 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. Was she cheating?
I see. Thank you for your advice. I think I want to try discussing things one last time though before making any major decisions
I don't though. I just stared drinking less for myself not for anyone else.
It’s unreasonable to control your partners friends, it’s extra unreasonable if they were friends with the person when you met them.
You said internet friend offered a trip, if you mean he’s paying, that may trigger some feeling from your BF that are legit. If you are paying then, it’s whatever. BF needs to be ok and should be happy for your relationships on the world.
Just for further reassurance, he wasn't asking for a 1 on 1 movie night he was pushing for a date.
He's also banking on her unwillingness to firmly state her boundaries (and legit that's a fear for a lot of young women dealing with men) to further push her boundaries and do things with her/to her.
He's not a friend, he's a snake.
What a comment this is. Meaningless unless he coughs up money? A child has the opportunity to engage with his biological father, someone who (from OPs comments) is stepping up to the mark and making the effort. That’s invaluable for a child and precious for his future. Far too many children go without that
It’s absurd that so many peoples first reaction to situations such as this is financial benefit. I’m sure it hasn’t been easy for OP but I’m glad her priorities are the safety of her son, and then the potential relationship with his father. Whatever system she works out with her previous partner is whatever she decide’s best for the child. I despise this mindset of a man’s value is only what he can materially provide (or else he’s deemed “meaningless”) — I’m referencing a male in this example, but I’m fully aware the situation is also applicable with the genders being reversed.
I’m happy for you & your son OP. You’re clearly doing a fantastic job with a great head on your shoulders. Keep it up 🙂
Happy cake day!
Yessssss honey yes!!
Yup, he’s not going to admit to cheating
Leave her. She deserves a MAN
Don't stay with someone just because you want a kid. Hitting below the belt is indicative of resentment and a lack of respect. PLEASE DON'T MARRY HIM!
Don't stay with someone just because you want a kid. Hitting below the belt is indicative of resentment and a lack of respect. PLEASE DON'T MARRY HIM!
Ew I had one jerk me around like that for a year. Quit flirting with him. He's too immature to be considered a potential boyfri3nd and too casual about your feelings to be a good friend. Don't give him any more of your energy
You don’t want the same things and you aren’t compatible. Unless you’re willing to live a childless life and not resent him for it, you’ll be happier in the long term with someone else.
You won't even answer why you want to do all these things because you know what the answer is (and that's you are doing this stuff out of insecurity & control issues). There's no meaningful way to rationalize doing what you're doing.
Anyways, if you don't want honest opinions, go back to your safe space.
Thank you
She’s an adult who chose to move out of his house. He helps pay her bills. I wouldn’t think to invite her either as the money for her ticket is probably going to her rent. She’s a 25 yo working adult, she accepts responsibility for hiccups like her car when she moves out. We all do. If you want to be independent you have to take all that comes with it. Your parents can’t always bail you out and it seems unfair that his oldest is guilting him for, contrary to what is consistently seen on Reddit, having his priorities aligned.
Would she agree you have a close relationship? Maybe ask if she wants counseling with you? It just doesn’t sounds like she is an entitled brat for no reason so I think you have to dig deeper. Use this situation as a catalyst to change and strengthen the relationship. I don’t think she’s making up that she’s upset and feels rejected for your new family.
He’s not your boyfriend, he’s the neighborhood’s boyfriend. Don’t waste your time being some crusty man’s fifth choice
Yeah, lots of people here arguing that “safe and secure” are compliments, all while ignoring the context, which completely ruins any positive connotation.
You two sound like way too much work and maintenance. The answer is for you two to be less unpleasant.
Could you elaborate on why it's not important?
Why stay?
Alright let's set aside the breach of her intimacy with your snooping because I hope you know by now that even if you did find something, this wasn't acceptable.
Do you have evidence that Sean acted out of line? Messages or gifts that show that he has feelings for your girlfriend and is covertly courting her? If yes, then it's a rather simple situation IMO: Sean was hitting on your girlfriend, and she refused to entertain someone who's disrespecting her relationships and her boundaries. Even if she doesn't see him that way, it's basic respect for your partner to not keep suitors around and tolerate their flirting.
The issue is that you both went the worst way about it. You snooped in her electronic, she did entertain his flirting until you put her back against the wall, and you push for the most radical solution right off the bat. No asking her to defend your relationship's boundaries and tell him to back off, you immediately requested NC to someone who had issues with being socially isolated by their partner not even two years ago. This doesn't look good, and definitively not the type of dynamic that you want as your plan A in the future.
So maybe you should talk and have a do over to make things right? Trust that she can set strong boundaries with Sean, but if he does anything inappropriate again she will cut him off on her own. You need to be able to trust each other that you can defend the relationship's best interests (in so far they're not hurting yourself) without the other policing your every social interactions.
wait.. you're upset at HER for not telling you… but you're not upset at your current BF for not telling you they had a past?!?!
Look, trying to force someone to get an abortion is a dreadful thing to have done. If your children learn about that, they are allowed to be upset about it. It’s no different to finding out that you severely beat someone, or blackmailed someone, or deliberately ran over a dog.
That is a separate issue to whether or not you are glad the children exist now. You are allowed to have been apprehensive before their birth, and glad after their birth. Many parents (perhaps even most) are.
I think that you should speak honestly to your children if this issue comes up. Be open with them about how it was wrong of you to try to force your ex to abort. Own that completely, be completely transparent about that.
But also be very clear that you are delighted that the children exist. Be very clear that you love them and want them very much. Keep talking until they understand.
It takes real effort to be this stupid and derail logic.
Nothing you said is medical care.
In my custody agreement with the father, and he did not want custody. It was in the agreement that I was not allowed to move out of the area we were in. I couldn't go out of state without permission for a vacation even. This was 25 years ago. You should speak to an attorney about your concerns, they may be able to set some of your fears to rest.
It has become better for fathers in recent years in custody agreements. It is no longer a given that the mother will be the custodial parent.
Extremely manipulative. I'd cancel that trip.
Not only that, but would stop sex too. If she senses it coming to an end, might try ending birth control to get pregnant.
Not only that, but would stop sex too. If she senses it coming to an end, might try ending birth control to get pregnant.
Yes he broke up and out of the blue only because I was emotional about something. My aunt thinks it's totally crazy to break up then propose a week later. Thanks it's always hard to make large steps and transitions like making someone move and leave my life. It helps to hear advice from others. It encourages me.
Honestly would have left years ago and I really recommend you leave now. But if you won't then refuse to see him again until you meet his parents and are introduced as his girlfriend. Give him one more chance. Say I want to meet your parents next Sunday. And don't see him until next Sunday when you meet his parents.
Your therapist is gonna drop you if you don’t eventually make that change. Just warning you. I’ve dropped patients for similar things.
You need to work through this
I don't disagree but some people date for 2 months and see each other 4 times during that time. People also have wildly, wildly different ideas of when it makes sense to become official. I just think it needs to be before strong feelings emerge, sometimes that's before or after the official thing and I've seen more and more people bundle everything in with moving in together because they're doing that out of convenience.
Basically, do it before any of those things. Fair?
I don't disagree but some people date for 2 months and see each other 4 times during that time. People also have wildly, wildly different ideas of when it makes sense to become official. I just think it needs to be before strong feelings emerge, sometimes that's before or after the official thing and I've seen more and more people bundle everything in with moving in together because they're doing that out of convenience.
Basically, do it before any of those things. Fair?
You don’t want someone whose dream it is to get married in a very fancy way.
You want so one whose dream it is to get married to you.
Life will have ups and downs. You need a person who wants to experience the ups and downs with you.
Don't do it.
they were probably hoping she had grown up and left her BS in the past when she met you. obviously she did not
You had already ruined things dude. Look at the situation.
Hmm
if you can be goaded by anyone to “let loose” you're still guilty
You certainly made a lot of assumptions and grade school level insults based off of two sentences.
Generally speaking, the assumptions line up really well. “This is the output our society is creating” is only semantically different than “men were stronger in the old days”, which, lmao.
men need direct honesty instead of flimsy, half baked platitudes to make them feel better.
I would be delighted for you to show me where a) anyone is giving OP half-baked platitudes and b) the obvious significant research you've done that qualifies you to make the sweeping statement that “direct honesty” means calling someone struggling weak.
You need to get ahead of her with the narrative because people rightfully or wrongfully tend to believe the first story they get.
If he changed it back before he got home how did you know it happened?
Best friend forever.
It literally doesn’t matter
Duly noted, we always lock the door but this time
We got that he is out partying and treating her like his mother. He's most likely cheating and the cold shoulder is so he can just sponge off her without having to discuss his feelings.
listen OP im so sorry for the loss of your mom. that must be very hard to go through while also juggling college. that being said it sounds like your boyfriend is extremely busy and supporting you financially (he may also have caretaker fatigue helping you through grief).
it is definitely time for you to get a job and contribute financially. there is only so long you can depend on them for $$ and housing
Stop doing services for them. Stop ALL of it.
Yes, we should all find ourselves beautiful and not need verbal affirmations from our partners. But like… that’s so unrealistic lmao. A partner is someone who lifts your spirits when you’re feeling down or insecure. He didn’t need to blow smoke up her ass but a simple “I love your body just the way it is” is literally all he needed to say. Like, the smallest amount of empathy and support
That’s bullshit I’ve raved my whole life every weekend when I was younger and venues hardly stay open past. 4 am 3 am is usually the sweet spot. So unless she lives in la 6 am is a weird time to be getting home unless she’s after Partying.
I think that is pretty reasonable, though hopefully, whoever is helping you move it does too
I brought this up to her a previous time when she used that word, and she said that she has never actually called me retarded… She just says that I act retarded and say retarded things sometimes… And there’s a big difference between those two (calling me retarded vs saying I act retarded)
I mean, yeah, some of the post are straight up terrible but I have seen some posts that really gives you the other perspective. I am a child that was regretted and it’s fucking horrible to live in a house like that.
It will only get worse. Been there, done that. Don't waste your time
Leave her alone. She does not need more burdens from you. You saying you still love her means nothing. You cheated and with someone too young for you. Then got her pregnant. There’s not anything you could say now that changes that
Handle your guilt ALONE
Relax. Enjoy where you are in the relationship now. She may mean it now and change her mind in 6 months, it may just be afterglow, she may be your forever girl. No one knows.
Don't worry about it, try and enjoy the relationship. Sounds like you are into this girl, enjoy it.
I don't think you even know what integrity is.
So your point is that sobers aren’t bad people but don’t deserve to be parents to their children?
It’s Snapchat, if she didn’t save it in the moment and she’s blocked him, it’s gone forever. He’s clearly smart enough to know how to not get caught.
This is actually why Snapchat is sheer garbage for anything but shady stuff, IMO. I won't even install it since I don't do anything that I need to destroy the evidence of.
36M here and married for 7 years , we do kiss Somtimes .. kissing never fade away if there’s spiritual connection.
And just to add, in the last 6 years I’ve seen her probably once outside of her home and without the kids. It’s not like I haven’t tried my very hardest.
So you're bf is a loser AND super selfish and inconsiderate?
Why are you still dating him?
Leave before he kills you and you become another statistic
Is it possible he’s leaning on you to get him through medical school?
No one knows about the violence. My parents will be shattered if they knew. He also says even if he does kill me I’ll deserve it. He says I deserve all of the beatings and verbal abuse. At this point I believe him too.
I think she’d have picked up on him dealing a long time ago.
that sounds like a very reasonable solution, i didn't even think of that. thank you. the only issue i can see is that we did already sign a contract with a venue and i'm not sure if we can break it :/ but i will look into it.
Exactly. There are like million cheating stories here on reddit where cheaters say “he was in a bad place with his wife and one thing led to another and we slept”
Oof, self-esteem issues on top.
He seems to quite lost with himself and his feelings. If you have the energy, you can try giving that reassuring he needs.
Oof, self-esteem issues on top.
He seems to quite lost with himself and his feelings. If you have the energy, you can try giving that reassuring he needs.
Break up with her. Put the cheating aside for one minute and think so you really want to be with this kind of person? You’ll have your answer.
I agree
The fact that he’s not even willing to see a doctor to find out if there are options besides surgery says he is.
He's a cornhole. You can't make someone get empathy. It's so appalling that he'd especially take those views and badmouth a friend who sounds like was a gem to him.
You can't trust a person like that, you made the right call
I feel soooo bad for her. So she is your bangmaid? What’s in this relationship for her?
As a woman, pausing your career for kids is one of the scariest things you can do. You lose a lot of what has been your identity when we decide to dedicate yourself full time to parenting and being a “homemaker” and cook.
You’ve got to have an in-depth discussion about expectations. You’ve got to be fully prepared to discuss the “mental load” of being the primary parent and life manager…there’s a lot of unseen stuff that comes with being the person who stays home—please please look into this, so you know what you don’t know. You’re asking your wife to sign up for a job you don’t even fully understand—neither of you can! So be realistic about setting the expectation that this will change and morph as you go along, and communication is critical.
Staying home can be very isolating…even if you want it. Talk about that.
Make sure you talk about creative options too…it’s not black and white. Explore any ways that she could go back part time or something she could do that takes way less hours, but maintains her engagement in her field, etc.
Hopefully she’s feeling the same way and this all goes super smoothly. Even if that’s the case, remember, this is a hard job and one that’s difficult to really know the true scope of before you begin. Be partners! Talk! Listen! Be willing to shift if something isn’t working.
Congrats on the baby…you’re beginning such a beautiful journey.
Yeah they have been working since they were really younger to save up and their family helped them out with some money also
Lol well like I'll say babe can you put this upstairs in the office by the window? And hell go up there and be like????? What window? It's just like he doesn't fully listen maybe. Just the common sense I guess idk if it's devious or dumb
If he is a coffee drinker, i like to get my husband a really rich tasty roast from my fav small business where the coffee is locally roasted. There is NOTHING like a good cup of coffee for the start of your day and he’ll think of you every morning when he’s making his cup x)
What is that message saying to him?
I get the sense there is more to the story.
What about a card game?
I’m her best friend, a female. I don’t want a relationship with her. I’m trying to help my friend
Tell her. She’s deserves to know. Most people would.
Unfortunately I have bought my dress and it’s white which she has seen before
not spreading covid to everyone , i would hope so
Again, yes she does have a libido. Her comments outright state it. You are responding in a thread where she outright stated it. She likes sex. She enjoys having sex. The sole issue is she doesn’t want to be the one to initiate sex.
No libido would be no sex drive. She has a sex drive, as long as he initiates. Stop saying she doesn’t when OP has outright stated, multiple times, that she does.
She lied to you about something that was important to you. That doesn’t build longterm trust. She could have been open about having sex 15 times, heck, it could have all been with her ex.
Many guys are hella persistent and don't take no for an answer to the point of making women feel uncomfortable or even threatened. You should be worried about the potential danger to your fiancee rather than reacting with jealousy when she tries to keep herself safe.
He has a great heart? Really? How???
The baby progresses in development weekly that's why people refer to it in weeks not months. Same thing with the development until toddler years.
She told this to our neighbors, not our actual friends. Our actual friends and family know all of this because I've introduced them to him, but I didn't introduce him to our neighbors because I barely talk to my neighbors. A quick wave if anything.
No, it shows that what she’s afraid of makes absolutely no sense. She’s never going to trust him. He should cut his losses. He wasn’t saying it maliciously he’s just dumb lol.
I have no idea how to help you. You need professional help.
I think virtually every person here feels this is highly disrespectful to you and he is choosing this trip over your feelings. You rightfully told him that if he goes, he comes back single. So from his perspective, if he goes, he will act the part of a single.
You stated emphatically you are unable to go. so now that you threw down the gauntlet, you have one move. In my opinion, just tell him you have made your feelings known and he has chosen to disrespect you and go anyway. Given his stance, there is no sense in delaying the outcome, so you are breaking up now so he can go and do what he wants without guilt, and you can move forward with your life instead of delaying 2 months. Wish him well and walk away. If he truly cares, he will cancel his trip and plan one with you. If he does not cancel, he failed the marriage test because a major key to a good marriage is putting the feelings and needs of your spouse above your own, which invariably reciprocates. Compromise is also a necessity. He is not willing and does not appear to be mature enough yet for a committed relationship. He could be a right guy, but wrong time. Go expose yourself and find another right guy in which the time is right.
why would he go unless he likes the attention he does.
Disgusting victim blaming.
Ugh I hate the „He‘s a man so it‘s okay to do x and y“ and „boys will be boys“, no men have to behave and not let their hOrMoNeS take over
Cheaters will cheat when you are in relationships with them. You don't deserve this, there's no fixing him. Leave. The age difference is reason enough.
Yeah, you should leave, but if you have nowhere to go, I say wait till tomorrow, since his parents are cool with it. Also, I know it’s sad, but at least you came to the realization about kids and marriage early on in your life and didn’t wait till you were way older. That would have wasted way more of y’all’s time, and biological clocks. 11 years is a long time, especially for someone that’s only 26, hell a lots of those years, you were a teen. But, hopefully things work out for the both of you.
Yeah, you should leave, but if you have nowhere to go, I say wait till tomorrow, since his parents are cool with it. Also, I know it’s sad, but at least you came to the realization about kids and marriage early on in your life and didn’t wait till you were way older. That would have wasted way more of y’all’s time, and biological clocks. 11 years is a long time, especially for someone that’s only 26, hell a lots of those years, you were a teen. But, hopefully things work out for the both of you.
Yeah, you should leave, but if you have nowhere to go, I say wait till tomorrow, since his parents are cool with it. Also, I know it’s sad, but at least you came to the realization about kids and marriage early on in your life and didn’t wait till you were way older. That would have wasted way more of y’all’s time, and biological clocks. 11 years is a long time, especially for someone that’s only 26, hell a lots of those years, you were a teen. But, hopefully things work out for the both of you.
Do them both a favour and leave them both alone. Your behaviour is fucking toxic. Hopefully each one of them will find out about the other and the pair of them will dump your ass.
Feeling angry and betrayed is a very valid response. As you live in a house owned by him, I think it would be best to start looking into somewhere else to live. Maybe he's currently planning on you being his housesitter but he may also be considering selling the place and you don't want to be caught any more unaware. Don't even ask him at this point. Make your own plans and tell him the day you move out.
He hasn’t hit you YET. He controls and intimidates you with his violent confrontations then he has you thinking that it’s YOUR fault when he is the only one responsible for his behavior. Nope, you’re making excuses for him
Whether he's remorseful or not, do not get back with him. And if you even consider it, do not do so for at least 6 months to a year. Let him show you change, not tell you. Prison doesn't fix people, and he likely needs a shit ton of therapy bc his violent tendencies didn't just disappear in prison. He's likely trying to make everything sweet now and things will be great for a while until he slips, and he will, because without intensive therapy, accountability, and transparency there's zero chance he's changed.
I don’t agree. I think it’s fair if people need support from friends when they are going through a difficult time. Besides OP was sexually inconsiderate. Why isn’t she allowed to talk to her friend about this? Because they will say ‘girl, he was selfish?’
You tell him that you’re not ready for it and you’d appreciate him giving you time to get used to the idea and you’ll approach him when you’re ready
Don’t worry about him. Worry about yourself.
You obviously don’t want to do this and are being pressured into it.
Found the insecure wife.
She literally put her hands on him & cheated. She assaulted him and had a physical affair. Marriage counseling is not recommended for abusive relationships….
he has a past history of doing first asking for forgiveness after
What do you mean by this?
If you don't want to be a father, don't have sex with this woman. It sounds like you want two different things.
Maybe I'm just giving the dude the benefit of the doubt. Like he could have meant it as if she would have opened up sooner he could have helped her heal through it, or understand her better.
You are right though, there isn't enough context on this post to know for sure how the guy exactly expressed himself. I just don't like to jump to the conclusion of the guy being an asshole right away either.
I make about 400 less a month than him. I take on more financially to help him get debt free quicker. We did the math and it would have taken him 6 years to pay it off. He's recently paid his pos car off and gotten a motorcycle to supplement less miles on his car to last longer. He should have all paid off in the next two years. He's taken the debt snowball to the extreme and tends to overcommit to paying his bills. He also pays our phone bill but only because I refuse to since his brother and FIL are on it. They rarely if ever pay him and his brother got a new iphone on a payment plan and doesn't pay for it.
He's either on the spectrum, has emotional regulation issues, or both.
Red flags all over here – the fact you are saying no bridal shower?? That’s for her and her family to plan why do you have any say in this?
And why are you on the fence about a bachelor/bachelorette party?!! You should only be on the fence for the bachelor party only because the bachelorette has nothing to do with you…it’s between her and her friends?
Op, your comments are gross. What you did to your husband is gross. YOU decided YOU wanted an open marriage and then YOU forced your husband into a situation YOU wanted by telling him it’s either that are divorce. This isn’t an open marriage. This is YOU wanting to do what YOU want regardless of how the person you married feels and what they want. You need to tell your husband the marriage is over and let him move on to find someone who actually loves and respects him. Because you don’t.
Dump her. There are countless people out there who wont cheat on you.
Yup was kinda leaning towards this
All of this.
Does OP expect. Marriage from this? Kids?
Does this man even want marriage and kids?
Or just a young bangmaid available whenever he needs her.
Honey, it’s bullshit stories. He’s a cheater that got caught. ‘My partner is dying’ is bullshit. He’s playing you. Toughen up. He has absolutely no respect for any of you.
It sounds to ma like you have talked to him and his response has been pretty shitty. Try again but don’t let yourself be mistreated.
He certainly may be spending time with sober friends but he could also be hiding an affair behind that excuse since I’m betting you give him a good bit of space to manage his sobriety.
At the very least double up on birth control as this is absolutely not the time to bring a kid into your relationship.