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Date: October 28, 2022
What if the shoe is in the other foot? What would they feel if the parents of your bf are the wealthier one and have the same view?
My old landlord was a married woman with 2 kids and she once mentioned that her family was pushing her to try sushi but she didn't want to try it for the first time with them, “judging and pressuring her” so I took her out for her first sushi.
Over lunch she again mentioned that it was nice to try something new without feeling pressured and I asked what she meant and, in the story that unfolded, it came out that she is always late and it is very upsetting to her family and then they're in a bad mood toward her for the duration of that errand or outing.
I shared a few anecdotes about how my mom's chronic lateness impacted our whole family and created tension that as little kids we found upsetting so we dreaded going anywhere with her to the point that anbticipating a vacation or special dinner out somewhere would of course begin with us waiting in the car, knowing how it would play out with my father when she finally got in, always late, always making us late.
We felt so helpless, and annoyed, knowing that it would never ever change, that we'd continue to repeat that same ugly pattern for every supposedly joyful or fun occasion.
Those scenes had become the most enduring memories of our childhoods, and as a result ALL outings were essentially ruined bc they would always begin with the lateness.
My landlord listened intently, saw the pain in my face, and said, “Thank you. That is hard to hear but I'm going to change” and she did. From then on she'd tell me how her relationships with her kids and husband changed. The husband stopped cheating too. It may have been unrelated but the timing suggests that her ruining all outings and stressing our her family might have played a tiny role in him ceasing his affairs.
Good for you! You know your worth and you know you deserve better than his treatment. Best of luck finding a better partner for you, one who will encourage you to flourish and one with whom you feel yourself with.
Hey OP. I get your point of view. But I think you assumed your bf had a hell of a lot more familiarity with your ENM world than he did.
It’s not his world. He likely needed you to say “being my boyfriend means x: do you agree to this?” Where things went wrong is that you explained a whole lot. You tried to educate him. But at no point did you get his affirmative consent for romantic exclusivity and sexual ENM. So what actually happened here is that you messed up the ethical part – explicit consent.
This was your second attempt at an enm relationship. Your first one was with someone clearly already interested in that. So I think you assumed more people are open to this than there are, and didn’t adjust your communication to reflect that reality.
Your bf was probably trying to sound “worldly” when the two of you were dating. And you did a good job introducing the topic. But you never closed the circle by getting explicit consent.
If he talks with you again make it clear to him that this is the kind of relationship you require. And that while you hope he would like to still be with you, you don’t want him doing anything he is uncomfortable with. (Another discussion you didn’t have).
If I were you I’d post in r/ENM for advice on how to avoid this in the future. You have a good understanding of how you want an open relationship to work. But you need a better understanding of how to communicate with non-ENM potential partners.
My partner and I after 20 years last year and a relationship on life support we decided enough is enough, that this year it's give it a real healthy chance and go to couples counseling, or end it already. No more wasting prime time in our lives.
I let him pick the place and he went to the first two sessions first, then I started going with. It's been two and a half months of going once a week for an hour.
It's actually going better than I expected. She gave us ideas and options we never thought of. Made impossible things we have ignored or put off due to it being easier to ignore seem like easy fixes we were only cheating ourselves out of. Made us realise all the good things we do have and can still have even more of.
I admit I went into it thinking I know this is just going to be a big rehash of all the crap I already know and have accepted but if wasting my time and resources going at least I can say I gave it a healthy ending. That was actually my mindset.
So far it's been worth it and it's not been overnight magic but I've felt a lot better in our relationship and a lot more valued and I've felt my closed off crappy dead end additude start to change. I wish we had at least given this a try sooner.
We have a few other friends couples going to different family and couples counseling and I thought it was like admitting failure. Or people just doing it because it's the popular thing to do now. It's helped us get out of the not feel traped at a go nowhere dead end or break up already cycle. It's helped us help each other and us both feel better about ourselves.
It's an option that's worth it after all you've put into your relationship thus far. Even if my partner and I end it at some point down the line, at least I know we tried by exploring healthy educated options before we threw it all away.
Tell your entire family what your cousin said. I completely serious. Let everyone know how vile and low she went. Then go completely NC with her. She wanted to hurt you for not getting her way, and she succeeded. Don’t let her ruin your image of your boyfriend.