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Date: October 16, 2022
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Just let him process it and tell him how you feel also. I've lost many people close to me, and it just takes time, but it always hurts and never goes away completely. Honesty and open communication is the key to getting through these things, as well as the best strategy for any relationship. If you can't be open and honest, it's unlikely to work in the long term.
Keeping it real… Your husband is immature.
Decide if you want to continue in this marriage because other issues are bound to surface.
only receiving emotional comfort and wanting to be told what I want to hear, such as “I understand how you feel,” “I'm always going to be here for you, let it out. I love you,” etc. is bad because I'm only hearing what I want to hear, and that I should be receiving healthy balance of logical and emotional support from the other person.
But that's exactly what you're doing? You're focusing on emotional support first and then shifting geara to logical support once you feel better.
As someone who graduated with a psych degree, I think this is perfectly healthy. Not everyone is capable of thinking and processing rationally when they're upset-some ppl, like you, need the time to emotionally recover before you can move on to figuring out solutions or whatever needs to be done.
No one solution is going to work for everyone. It sounds like you've found the method that works for you, and that's all that matters. If I were you, I would remind your bf that you are getting both types of support, you just like to focus on them at different times. If he persists, it may be worth talking to a licensec psychologist about this if you can, just to see if a professional approves of your method or not, at whixh point he should have no further arguments.
What’s to break up she’s fucking other guys !!! It’s not high school anymore so grow up she’s showed who she is so just hook up with someone else enjoy because this already is spending her legs for other guys she definitely a player !!
in* a locked gun cabinet.
Some of the responses in here are crazy and so much out of proportion. I’m not saying he didn’t make a mistake and by his own admission in the text you found, he knew this already, but clearly wasn’t aware of how to tell you or whether he should tell you whilst you’re feeling the way you are about yourself.
You snooped, you betrayed his trust too. You should have asked him directly if you felt something was off and if you couldn’t then the picture you’re trying to paint of your relationship isn’t right.
Try to have a sit down adult discussion about it all without getting too emotional, explain how you’re feeling and then work it out in the way that suits you both.
Also, you don’t need to have lots of money for Christmas, people don’t need lots of pointless stuff. Far too much money is spent on things people don’t need and end up getting trashed or going to landfill.
She’s for the streets
10 year age gap.
Things not working.
Surprising.
It doesn't have to be “the other way around” I am still suggesting divorce.
i’m sorry, but she either cheated or wanted to….. best you find this out now. you can go have your fun now too once you’ve healed.
Yes thank you. He has told me before he gets a lot of pressure during missionary because that’s the only position where I can finish. So it could be anxiety? Worrying about making things good?
Not Safe For Work (inappropriate)
He has not had that done. It’s like herding cats to get him to see the dr. He is very healthy so he doesn’t go often. I have brought it up and he said he will ask his doc in the spring about it.
He need to make another account and find someone better than you
Nope not a troll post all facts here
I hope he cheats on you with a girl with big breast
Get off your high horse and join the real world
Obviously it needs to be sorted out through therapy before marriage is a good idea whatsoever, not the other way around. There are resources to get insurance for herself now that will work with her finances and for her needs. Have you tried looking into this with her?
Also the way OP keeps on saying “the child” it's sounds soa impersonal, I would think most parents would say “my baby girl/boy”
You are not “overreacting”. That was your reaction. There is nothing “over” about anyone's reaction to anything. This term was created by people trying to gaslight people into thinking what they are doing is no big deal and there's no reason they should apologize.
Now, it's weird that he doesn't believe you. It's weird that he keeps trying to catch you in the act. It almost sounds like he WANTS you to be touching yourself. I think a conversation about boundaries is overdue – your body is yours if you want touch it you can. If you want to touch it and not let him touch it that's fine. Same goes for him.
I'd also ask if this is some kind of kink because it's super weird that he's pretending to sleep to try and catch you touching yourself.
She's manipulating you. Hard to accept but that sounds to me like guilt tripping. Instead of recognizing that both of you do have a problem, she immediately shuts down and starts to guilt trip you until you have to reassure her. Sorry, but it's not healthy at all. “This shouldn't be the one issue stopping us” well, it SHOULD be, because how tf can you marry someone you're not compatible with? If it's important to you, then it's important! Your feelings and desires are totally valid! (But apparently your gf thinks that the only valid feelings are hers) I'm sorry OP, but if you don't end this relationship and get engaged and even get married etc, everything will stay the same because she doesn't want to improve. I get the mental health thing, but you've talked a lot about this, there are self-help books, there are some websites where psychological help is free or at least cheap, there are support groups etc) she doesn't need to wait for therapy, she can start to want to get better by herself (talking from experience…)
Also, all this is from someone who actually waited until marriage. My husband and I DECIDED to do it that way and also almost failed hundreds of times because we actually demonstrate each other we felt sexual desire for each other.
This!! I was scrolling hoping to see someone post this. This sounds like insecure behavior. I’ve never met another woman whose ‘trapped’ someone before or tried to. I’ve only read it online. Not to say that it doesn’t happen but I just hate looking into situations and go that deeply into the negative without more insight. That being said, she could just be insecure thinking well, you’re away what’s stopping him from hooking up with someone. My first thought wasn’t to see if he’d be willing to cheat with her sister. Weird. Sounds like the plot to a porno lol
No. Men tend to be more ambitious & independent. He’s most likely not looking to be saved or replace the kids mom. But even with that, there will be baby mama drama eventually
Unfortunately I've been the “other” friend she's playing you both. They are definitely having sex for sure. She's a Mastermind…Manipulator, get out and if you could talk to the friend you'd probably be surprised what you'd find out.
Exactly. She is his partner not his Handmaid. I’m curious did OP ask if she wanted to do it or did he force her to?
Thanks ?
How will I ever fall in love again? I feel like anyone I date from here on out I’m just gonna be paranoid that their true colors will show eventually.
It's simple. Let him know you're interested, and let nature take its course!
how she feel about you being there christmas morning with them?
she likely getting played cause he is a child and selfish. she may not realize it. plus “former lover and kids parent” blinds you sometimes
My bf and I joke like that. We’re prepping for marriage and a family too. But I think that we both enjoy that type of crass humor. We call it boomer humor. I’m 5’1 and he jokes about our kids never making it to the NBA and he’s really hairy and I joke about the baby looking like Sasquatch. However, most of the time we compliment the shit out of each other. Though we established that dynamic early on so I know when he is joking or not. But since OP is asking the “joke” is probably out of left field for this relationship and thats why it’s concerning.
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None of my business, but did youe marriage hold together? You said you were very done. Did it fix or end?
Don't answer if you don't want to
on the verge of couples counseling
You should have gone… you still can.
Oh my god this is the PERFECT response ?
Then I think like I said, you are just hoping he feels bad/guilty about being a shitty roommate. I don't think that's going to happen. It seems you're set on telling him anyway so I'm not sure what advice you're looking for.
There's no such thing as a social battery. That shit is manufactured imaginary nonsense. You're unsociable, maybe even antisocial. Go with the flow mofo, you aren't in control. Stop white kicking your way through life.
That’s fair, and tbh with deep trauma/genetics usually these kinds of illnesses are comorbid so it’s likely she has more then one thing going on but that’s something a psychologist/psychiatrist has to figure out. Talk therapy can help if she’s willing to start making amends with her past, I’ve read that EMDR is also either very helpful or not for deep rooted trauma. There’s also genetic testing out now for what medicine will work best for you. I’m just throwing out alternatives but honestly it sounds like you’re burned out and at the end of your rope. You need to do what’s best for you, your children. If she’s been diagnosed with these disorders and a psychiatrist can verify the severity of her illness to the point of not being able to have a job, get documentation and apply for disability so at the very least you have more income coming in. If that’s absolutely just not an option anymore, document all of this information about the living conditions, her mental state etc and file for divorce and full custody of your son.
Both scenarios aren’t horrible if you ask me. Know your self worth and don’t proceed with this.
My advice would be to speak to a police officer and see if this counts as assault where you live.
Right? “Bad vibes” is she 14? A healthy positive professional environment means occasionally taking about non work things and having a laugh. She's not being inappropriate, he's not being inappropriate. The most the gf can ask is for him to be wary of her and just keep an eye out for any behavior that crosses the line. But he's basically in a mentor position for this girl, it wouldn't be fair to ruin that relationship just because his gf has “bad vibes”. Immature af.
It can actually lay dormant for a bit like most STIs. So, did either of you fuck around in the relationship? If you surely didn't then she did at some point.
WITAFTLOG. WDPDTS?
Life's too short to be hanging on to a relationship that clearly doesn't work.
Do yourself a favour and move on
Congratulations.. you just described a narcissist. If you’re not praising them and making them feel better about their shitty sense of self they’re actively bullying you. No matter what, the full time job of propping them up erodes your sense of self until your more of a shell than they are.
It sounds like you are in tremendous pain. But bending over backwards for your daughter is only making things worse.
“I always hoped you would grow out of the nasty, cruel way you treat me. But you seem permanently unhinged, and this latest decision to uninvite me to your wedding threatens your father's attendance. You can make me the evil witch of your life all you like, but you are the person who has refused to grow up and understand that you are incredibly fortunate and beautiful, save for the ugly insecurity you self-indulgently blame me for. You have been blessed with parents who love you, enormous financial advantage, and a fiance who obviously adores you, but that is not enough for you. Your envy is petty and contemptible, and the way you shirk your responsibility to grow out of this nonsense is pathetic. It is your responsibility to learn how to handle your feelings about the way the world treats other people, though I admit, I failed you by making myself less to try to help you overcome your emotional handicap. Instead, it has simply enabled your festering resentment of the way the world treats me, and you have destroyed our relationship through your jealousy. If this is all you can be as an adult, it isn't that I failed you — you failed yourself. And if you carry that foul failing with you into motherhood, I fear you will fail as much as a mother as you have as a daughter. For the good of your children, keep working on your mental health. I will do my best to urge your father to attend your wedding despite your latest vile tantrum. I love you, and I have always loved you, and I mourn for the daughter I lost who allowed the ugliness in her heart to destroy our relationship.”
She sounds crazy
How many paragraphs are you gonna write to the effect of “My daughter is hurt that I’m so darn beautiful!”?
There’s a lot you’re not telling us, or you’re completely oblivious to it. I’m sure your daughter would tell a completely different story.
I didn’t accept
You don't tell her. But you tell him he's a fucking scumbag who better get his shit together or his life's going to be ruined. And just leave it at that.
Edited because you raised a great issue. We talked about keeping in touch somewhat, like exchanging memes etc.
But i'm not sure it's a good idea
That’s a fair idea. It won’t seem like I’m trying to force him to hang out with me if I do this? I don’t want to put pressure on him that he has to see me.
Not forgetting they aren’t even invited to the actual wedding.
Not forgetting they aren’t even invited to the actual wedding.
You leave a potentially lifelong 4 years relationship to be with someone nearly twice your age who youve know for 6 months, and even after you did something so terrible with him, he stayed in good terms with you and supporting you, and after the obvious happen and your New relationship fall down youre now considering him once again? Just leave this man alone and maybe then he can find someone who trully values him and wouldt throw him away for some old dude who they barely know, he deserves better.
I was older than that when I lost mine… as a guy I have no hymen to bleed or not bleed. Guess I must be lying…can't prove it either way.
Reminds me of a lady accused of fishing without a license because her husband left a pole in the boat “she had the equipment” so she accused the fully clothed game warden of rape as he had the equipment.
You can't prove it. Was he claiming to be a virgin too? If not, did it matter? Is he scared you are going to cling to him? I'm not sure why it matters to him.
Tell him to either believe you or leave you. You are done with his nonsense.
Really shocked that everyone is saying break up instead of suggesting couple’s therapy. This is THE moment for therapy if you’re hoping to salvage the relationship.
Seriously! OP, there is nothing to bring up to him. He decided to take out his anger on you physically during sex under the guise of your normal interactions during it. He became overly aggressive and hurt you. What happens the next time he’s mad about something he thinks you did as wrong? It’s not safe.
The fact that he might have mental health issues doesn't obligate OP to stay in an obviously unhealthy relationship that's run its course. You can encourage someone to get medical care without necessarily being in an intimate relationship with them.
Honestly, run. Full grown adults that don't have emotional intelligence and can't communicate are going to pull you down. It's also hella weird that he got two animals knowing your allergic (or did he forget you were?)
Look at your entire relationship. Has he been the same the whole time? If so, run.
I think because this is your first relationship you're worried about leaving but don't be – you need to put yourself first. There are people out there that you will be more compatible with. Also if you're changing and growing as a person you might just need time to do you.
Don't contact her again. Depending on how long she's been using, she's got to have some consequences to help her see she's at rock bottom
. College friends and even advisors hinted/suggested getting married to help their financial aid status
Why did you do this to yourself? So many red flags.
Yeah thats not an obsession. He's going to work and then coming home to do what he enjoys. Thats what a normal TEENAGER does.
You're lucky hes not playing 16+ hours a day as soon as he wakes up.
Best thing to do: Just ignore him. If he cant handle life ( clearly he cant ) then its not your bussiness neither your problem.
You might not want to invalidate the “heavy hit” he “suffered” but you dont have to validate it neither by walking on eggshells around him. Its his problem to take it up , not your responsability.
Uncomfortable ?
Pfft .
He lied , he didn’t care about you . He came over because you were vulnerable and wanted to use you.
His focus was on himself , when it was apparent you needed someone to care about you , he ran.
Listen to the reddit public , find someone who deserves you
What’s his Reddit?
Simple. Use the room with the rig when he is working. You don’t need to do so on his whim, just up a schedule. 9-5 is for work. During those hours you get priority to the rig room and he to the RMT room. He gets to play after that.
Of course if you don’t have studies and he doesn’t have client he can play there, but if you need to study, you get exclusive priority during work hours.
If the air filter doesn’t work, ask him to smoke outdoors or under the kitchen fan. It’s just simple manners.
Love makes it mentally harder to leave. I was asking for planning how to move forward, not because 'If she loves him, give it a go' nonsense!
Thank you so much ❤️
yeah, give them space. i bet they don't show up unannounced again 🙂
woh
You are nothing more than pussy for him and a maid.
He does NOT respect you.
Smh… girl… he doesn’t love you. He loves having a 20 something wife who is a maid and a nanny. Dollars to donuts he is banging some younger woman.
You don’t ask relationship advice when safety is compromised, you get safe. Why are you staying somewhere you feel is not safe?
Because the ugly truth is that it's not BAD bad. And unfortunately my raising was in very authoritarian household. I feared my dad. Feared. Was raised with the old tactics of shame, fear of consequences, fear of pain. So the ugly truth is that in comparison it's not BAD bad. So what does one put up with? What is the limit? My limits are skewed because of my raising. I know this. What I don't know is what's normal.
So yeah, sadly, feeling unsafe isn't necessarily the worst. Neglect isn't the worst. Being whipped with a belt, having food withheld from you as a control tactic, etc. That's way worse.
So please hold judgement. My history is not your history or anyone else's. So my perspective on what's the limit before I take my kids and leave is different from yours. But I KNOW it may not be right. Hence why I'm asking a random group of strangers on the internet to try and get some perspective. Because the anonymity of the internet can possibly allow some truths to come out and lead me to a better understanding.
She didn’t follow her religions beliefs and did what she wanted. That was the problem.
Having moral values is not harmful.
If not causally satisfying your sexual urges is your definition of harm then you have a very different definition of harm.
That's nice. When you are 7 months old, the most important thing is that your mother feels comfortable and safe. When the mother is stressed, or sad, or unhappy, the child feels it, doesn't understand it and is generally affected in a bad way. It is a very good thing that you, the mother, are completely able to not be affected at all by a partner who treats you poorly, hurts you over and over again, is an alcoholic and has a rare neurological disorder. You are a better person than most people.
Do you always disregard people when they tell you what they want/need? Sometimes interaction is too much for people who are depressed and constantly reaching out and violating her stated needs is absolutely going to have a negative outcome.
Is his name George Costanza?
Any apology that includes any “you feel” statements is not an apology. An apology is about the offenders actions, not the victims feelings. Drop your friend before your gf drops you.
She is a mom, kid will always come first. If you are not ready, you are better walking away.
I never would have if I thought I – aka I thought you wanted it
Im sorry that you married a child, he has a lot of growing up to do before your child is born. You deserve better. No moment of your birth is “cringe” tell him to stop being so reddit.
Speech pathology graduate school sucked and I can’t even imagine law school. He’s sucking the life out of you. You can’t be your best at school with an emotional vampire. He should be your biggest cheerleader and want you to have good times without him. Release him and make some friends.
She showed who she is, leave this trash.
Once a cheater always a cheater.
It’s not really a grey area. He has said no everytime, if I was in love with that person I’d be making for damn sure they were comfortable with what I was doing before I did it.
That swooshing/whiney sound that you heard, that was the bullet that you didn't know you dodged. Think of the outcome as a blessing in disguise. Time for you to move on.
He'll love it.
Break up with her already dude, why are you doing this to yourself????
I really like you people who believe gender identity and being transgender is being pushed on to people. Because I have tried to find it and have come up with zero. Mainly because it isn’t happening.
I know right… effed up ?
was surprised there are so many who don't.
This is a female dominated sub
that actually sounds really good. Thank you very much.
Yes I know, I dated someone that was the product of rape. But he appreciated that his parents explained it to him when he was age appropriate
When you are having a quiet moment and its calm bring it up . Say- I feel….a lot not -You are…. and see if he can understand. But if cant well you have to see if you can live with it . Being together wont be all good but it should be 80% good at least. Or blame his parents.
Hey I’m so sorry this is happening to you. As many people have said here, there are some harsh truths you need to hear.
1) Your husband is NOT a good man. He is deliberately being nice to you outside the bedroom because he thinks that being nice means he is OWED sex. He knows that being nice will confuse you and make you more vulnerable to him. He is manipulating you and he knows it.
2) Marital rape is absolutely a thing, and it is happening to you. He does not give a fuck about your physical health or safety. He wants to fuck you, and that’s all he cares about. He does not care about how pregnancy fucks with your body and has already forced you to get pregnant 2 more times. (You told him not to ejaculate in you but he still did, you weren’t in the mood but he coerced you into sex, and that’s how your 2 children were conceived). Pregnancy changes your entire body forever and he does not give a single fuck as long as he can cum. You are a sex doll to him.
3) NO ONE owes anyone sex. Not married couples. Not couples that have been married for years. Not couples who have children. You should be able to say no to sex when you want to. The fact that he’s forcing himself on you despite your reservations is very alarming. And not normal and all.
4) Please please start collecting evidence, and consult a lawyer. Start making an exit plan for yourself and your children.
He is not a good man and not a good husband. He is not a good father either. He is raping you regularly. He will teach your sons that they are entitled sex no matter what and he will raise sons who coerce their partners into sex or rape others. He will raise daughters who have no sexual boundaries.
And I know Reddit is notorious for people jumping to “leave him!”, but in this case, I promise the masses are right. Do you have friends who know that he’s doing this to you? Does your family know?
yeah at this point this is plain mansplaining.
Being intelligent is great, but letting it get to your head cancels out any kudos.
My nephew is very intelligent, he gets top marks in everything without revising at all. He's now a junior lecturer at uni, and acts the lecturer all the time. He speaks with authority, and there's just enough that's correct in what he says for everyone to be impressed. He corrects people in a very disparaging way too.
Yet the other night, he was pontificating at the dinner table, I called him out on three different occasions, three different topics, and each time he acted all patronising. Well I knew what I was talking about, a quick google confirmed that I was right on all three occasions.
My partner was boasting proudly about how intelligent his nephew is, and I reminded him that I'd corrected him three times in fewer hours. I pointed out that that meant I was even more intelligent, so he should really be boasting about how intelligent his partner is. But somehow, the myth lives on. Probably because I'm an introvert and I don't hog the conversation, I prefer to ask questions and let others do the talking.
It sounds to me that you're not really clear in your communication. Even in this post loads of people are asking you for clarification on different things.
If you tell her you have anxiety doing X and you still do them sometimes, then it's not so weird to think that doing this activity that she knows gives you anxiety would be a nice gift regardless, because you've shown in the past that you'd power through. I'm not saying that's fair, but it's a logical thought process if your communication is vague.
Are you in therapy? I'd recommend it. Not even to fix your anxiety but to learn to be a better communicator.
Okay this is blunt but I'm so fucking sick of seeing posts that describe LITERAL RAPE and then say “other than that he's amazing!”
I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for all the work you do for prevention. I'm just so sorry for the reason why.
Right. Because what she really wants is YOU.
But if you are against that idea for whatever reason, i'd still say send her a nice Gift at some point in the future. Even if her reasons were self-interested, the fact remains she saved you from a disaster marriage with a really bad person.
If you're open to seeing BF romantically in the future, I wish you both the best. But it does make me a bit suspicious that she mentioned your wealth when she was giving reasons why she did this.
Either way, for the next few weeks you just take some time to heal and focus on yourself. You can decide when, how and with whom you want to move on when you're a bit more emotionally stable.
I'd definitely think about ending the friendship. He sounds like he's only acting a friend to get in your pants
Stop contemplating whether you should stay with someone that doesn't respect you, has already violated your boundaries once (well, really he raped you by stealthing), and is begging to violate them again??
I have responded and made other comments about things you've said, yes. And what of it? This is a public forum I am not limited to a single comment per post ffs
I absolutely bawl when I'm angry. It's horribly embarrassing but I can't help it.
There is no goddamned way that he’s solely looking at the faces when he has the folders organized by stuff like Loli, shemale, etc. If it was only the faces I don’t see the need for such hyper specificity. This guy is a certifiable porn addict and he’s feeding you a line of bullshit so that you don’t endanger his ability to enjoy his drug of choice. Now that he knows you’re watching he’ll just find new ways to hide it, that’s how an addict operates.
You can decide if this is what you wanna put up with, but personally being with someone who yanks his dick to cartoon child porn would have me running for the hills.
That's… actually a good idea. Write down your feelings and then let it go.
You’d be surprised. My parents refuse to have any sort of relationship with my 2 year old because of a problem strictly between us. People don’t always care about keeping a relationship with their grandchildren.
As for him asking you to give a bj, I think it’s perfectly fine for him to ask. It’s important that he voices what he wants in the bedroom. As long as he accepts your answer of “no” and doesn’t try to push/pressure you, there’s nothing wrong here.
As for why you don’t want to give a BJ, what does his sleeping habits have to do with you wanting to make him feel good? Don’t you want your partner to feel good? I don’t get why him sleeping a lot has anything to do with this. And he probably just feels more comfortable sleeping on his side. If it’s a problem that he has his back to you, suggest switching sides of the bed so he can lay on that side while facing you.
As for you not getting enough cuddles, you need to decide how important that is to you. If you need more cuddles to be happy and he’s refusing to provide that, then you can consider breaking up. Same thing with him always wanting big spoon; if he’s not fulfilling your cuddling needs then you don’t need to fulfill his. A relationship is a 2-way street, if he’s not going to put in effort to meet your needs then you shouldn’t have to meet his.
You're immature as hell. She figured it out quickly…. good for her.
This is absolutely disgusting and your girlfriend is actively pushing/furthering the patriarchy. Men can feel the entire array of emotions and feelings, just like any other human being. Your girlfriend is being toxic, and you need to seriously consider if she is able to learn and change. You can share resources on how it's healthy for men to have feelings, and how thinking otherwise is sexist as hell.
Lol there is it is. I knew you were a cheating apologist for a reason. It's always the mfs that do this kinda dirt that don't really get the damage it can do.
She is now bawling her eyes out because I wouldn't soothe her because she had a nightmare where I cheated on her. Fml
Your third paragraph demonstrates that you are not a great couple.
Do you know for sure that she cheated? She may have been sexually assaulted.
You should ask or rather demand, a policy of having access to each other's messages, and agreement to not delete any messages without the other seeing them first. With provision if she breaks such your agreement you will leave her, as deleted messages have to be assumed for the worst in such situation.
IF she can't do it, you should leave. Reason being, you can't trust her, she has proven it and is likely hiding more things. On that note, ask to tell everything she is hiding from you, with provision that you don't ever want to find out that she didn't reveal something important to you at this moment, because it will result in break up.
It’s been over a decade since I was SA’d and I still can’t bring myself to think about the idea of any kind of report. The military is taking it more seriously right now (women not joining would seriously affect military readiness), especially on the civilian side, but honestly, women are dragged over the coals for daring to speak up and women like me are trying to work through the trauma without being questioned. The civilian u.s. justice system is a right f*cking mess and I don’t blame civilian women for not wanting to report anything. I’m not sure what country you are from OP, but if it’s the US like me, then I wouldn’t be surprised if something happened and she just doesn’t want to be traumatized further.
Where does it say he didn’t have consent?
So it sounds a lot like he’s never been in a healthy relationship and now that he’s with someone with boundaries and trust in him he thinks you’re in the wrong instead of realizing that the types of relationships he had before were unhealthy. He needs some serious therapy to unlearn this stuff and I wouldn’t blame you for not sticking around while he does it
If you don’t like it then get rid of him he has no right disrespecting you.
This is confusing. Did she sleep with her boss once or has she been sleeping with him for 10 years? Has your wife known the entire time or did she just find out now? None of that is really clear.
Regardless I don’t think this means your wife is gonna turn around and cheat next. Unless she’s the type to jump off a bridge because her friend did it, too.
It sounds to me like you DO really trust your friend – but you shouldn’t. Someone you trust shouldn’t do something like this to you without first explaining what they’re going to do. Someone you trust definitely shouldn’t put you in a position where you can’t easily ask or signal for them to stop. Someone you trust shouldn’t be using you for their own fetish without your understanding.
This is fucked up, and if you don’t want to ditch your friend altogether (which is what I would do), you should tell him in no uncertain terms that you felt your trust was violated and to never do something like that to you again.
That kind of sounds like your friend is into bondage as a fetish, and hey to each their own.
But it's not okay to make someone partake in a fetish without their explicit consent.
Even giving consent to an activity “the trust exercise” might not count as proper consent because you were not properly informed about what it would contain. I'd even go as far as saying he took advantage of you.
It's good he stopped but like, yeah bad move on his part.
I agree with the broken trust during the time of your agreement.
Only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker in your relationship, but I’d side with yes.
Paternity test on the kids – if she's cheated once, it's a relatively safe bet she's cheated again. STD Test – again, if she's cheated once, safe bet she's cheated previously – make sure you're safe. Document everything – given that she's proven herself to be an outright liar, don't be naive enough to think she wouldn't lie about you – start recording all interactions, either with just audio, or full video where possible. Contact your Real estate agent – and get yourself off the lease ASAP. Explain the situation, most companies/individuals would be somewhat understanding of the situation and offer you an out. Get yourself some space and distance to process – you owe yourself some time to deal with this, 7 year relationship at 22 is huge.
So incredibly sorry you're going through this OP – I really am. Cheating is so absolutely awful you don't deserve this, especially with a family in the picture.
All the strength in the world my man.
The age gap argument speaks volumes here.
Walk. Away.
He didn't think it looked great, you think he should lie? He didn't ask her to do this, maybe he really doesn't like it.
Lol
Notice how he's got a lot of karma and zero history?
He's a shill for a certain movement on Reddit and likes to write, let's say, creative fiction with that slant.
No, Gf12 has only come out in the last 12 months and his change was def 5/6 years ago.
I did notice a marked change when M18 came out as Bi but even that was after the major change iykwim I saw that change as a normal teen/parent change in many ways. Suddenly M18 was taller, bigger and more independent and then we went into Covid Lockdown so all the lines were blurry.
I think it was more when the kids became more vocal and had more opinions lol
I am finding myself examining things in much finer details … hindsight is 20/20 and all that. I think he might have been telling the truth…he wanted a family and there I was with an 18 month old child and opennabout hoping for another child one day. And…after 10 years of that life something clicked and he realised it wasn't what he wanted after all so he just shut down and waited for me to end it. A bit sad but I guess it happens.
I have always made it very clear that I will back and love my kids and am all about equality for LGBTQI+ so if he wanted an easy out he could have said something awful and instantly ended our marriage lol It is a non negotiable to me.
Then reword your fucking sexist comment.
He might be going through a midlife crisis. It's not on you. It is all him. Some guys think that screw around without consequences. Let him go from hookup to hookup, having meaningless sex and a bad case of either gonorrhea or herpes. At 40, that is pretty dismal. The good thing for you is that you dodged that bullet. And he is sattled with that unhinged walking sex toy.
You came out better with a lesson learned. Figure out what you want and go after it.
Best of luck!
Whatever you do just don't cheat / give false hopes
I see marriage as the pair being stronger than either person individually so that each person's traits complement the others and each person's risks are managed by the other. if this doesn't work, why get married? Easy example – I lack many social skills such as gifting or cards, while my wife is great in area. I am strategic, while she is tactical, …
In OP's situation, the wife has shown two major items – 1) character items (lie, disregard your opinion, fundamental apathy, etc) that will likely create major issues and 2) the introduction of an uncontrollable risk to the partner and family, and extended to friends.
It can be debated about her ethics/morals/decision process to engage porn for money. But there is no debate about her character attributes and potential risk..
We did have this discussion and he has been very supportive and respectful of it but he still is reaching out, should I just go NC with him while he is working on his issues? (Of course if he messages something alarming I would either respond or loop in a family of his)
It's probably a note from some of your first dates where she recognized you as someone who had your own bills paid and she won't have to support.
but I also need my dad's support in my life.
His support comes with a price tag labeled “Obedience.”
If that's the path you continue down, I wish you luck. You'll need it to find the right therapist.
Well, your dad’s not acting very Christian by doing something like that. Jesus loved everybody.
Is this behaviour something you’d feel comfortable on your child walking in and seeing?
Seems like a big question, but he isn’t going to change. Is this how you want to live forever? My partner and I have had enormous disagreements – huge. He’s never punched in a wall. He’s never punched a car.
You avoid expressing your emotions – is it because when you do express yourself, he blows up? That’s terrifying.
You’re not safe here.
Get proof, tell the new wife.
“How much furniture do you have”, “You could apply for a job at my neighbours company” and he is so excited taking me to home decor stores that I think these hints are pretty clear.
Umm this isn't subtle and to me at least feels very intense for 3 dates in…
If it was a legit note, it sounds like she saw evidence that you paid your bills on time. A good thing.
He's a phd student in the engineering field and he has been working on it for the last ~12 years
What clarification do you want?
Is this casual sex, FWB, or is she looking for a relationship? I am in the dark here and swimming in the deep end of the pool. We talked for a couple of hours over dinner and a little at my house but nothing about what I am wondering about now.
When you are all together, maybe at dinner, have your bf tell her in front of everyone “ please do not open the door before knocking and wait for us to respond before opening it. We need to respect each other’s privacy” And put a lock on the door. Lock it every time to enter and exit the room.
Yikes, so hanging close to the teat is a generational issue for the family. Grandma never even made it to getting rid of her own children, much less the grandchildren.
I'm guessing that putting up with it for now until you can move out is the least confrontational play here.
A door lock with a key also works. They aren't that expensive or difficult to install.