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Date: October 22, 2022
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I've been in a similar position and I think that the sunk cost fallacy is really something to be wary of. You shouldn't have to change how you're wired. It's not healthy. If you end things, you can spare him (and yourself) any more pain. I'm sorry but your doctor just makes a lot of sense. They're unbiased in looking out for your best interests. You may just be incompatible. Even if you'd like to work on yourself, these things take time and they're best done alone imo.
Lawyer!! Now. Let them know everything so they can help you take care of your finances/living situation/shared belongings
At first I was going to say that while what he did to you, the family friend and your sister was terrible and you both deserve help and compassion to recover from that, he was doing it as an abused little boy trying to process his own trauma. And as you said, it stopped when your parents intervened.
Theeeen I got to the part about him doing it “as recently as 3 years ago”. So this means that your brother (if I'm doing my math correctly) is a 28-30 year old man who is groping his ~22 year old sister's ass. And how old was he when he abused this family friend's child? Because if it was as an adult, or even teenager that is a BIG fucking red flag.
Final issue here is you aren't judging your brother for “something that happened 20 years ago”. You are rightly judging him and piecing together the fact he is and has sadly shown a pattern of predatory behavior towards children/younger children for the past twenty years. Personally I would dive deeper into this, seeing if he has had any contact with young kids in that time (babysitting, children or younger siblings of his friends, other family or friends, etc.)to see if any of them had experiences. And I'd bet all my money someone like this also has child porn on his computer and/or phone.
I'd absolutely cut all ties with a person like this and not even let him have access to a photo of my children. Mom is included in this if she sides with him. And honestly she deserves to be cut off for not having more empathy for the fact your brother fucking raped and sexually abused you as a little child for two entire years.
Do you like her?
If so, text her!
If not, be polite and say that you would like to keep things professional.
…more life relief and I’m not totally sure why.
You know why. And good for you for knowing yourself and honoring your boundaries.
You both need therapy. You felt with a childhood of anger. You sound like you may still be harboring resentment and other feelings that show in your marriage. Your husband is under a lot of stress and it seems that he manifests it in the wrong way. There is a difference in a person with a true anger problem and not knowing how to handle stress so it comes out in different ways. Your husband would more then likely benefit from having therapy to help with stress and other coping mechanisms. Lastly the communication sounds like it maybe off in the marriage. I understand you had a lot going on that night also. You may have also been a little more the sarcastic. Why you may have said you felt fine, sometimes our body language and our tone betray us and let out our true frustrations. Marriage counseling could help in this department. It will help you reconnect. Communicate effectively and maybe process each others feelings so that you understand a little bit better what each person is feeling in these times and what you need. GoodLuck I wish you both well.
Exactly, and also they are looking for such different things in life, he wants to settle down and probably have a family and she is exploring her life as an adult and would probably be looking for a career
ur ex about surface level subjects, why do you think you’re in love with her? You don’t r
because we only really spoke that one time, and we admit that we still thought about each other and we made a passing comment about a future, but as I thought we would be able to be friends and keep see each other we didn't speak about our feelings. but now that she has tried to reach out to catch up I do feel guilty. maybe I'm not in love with her but I feel like I still love her
Phone the helpline o800 who gives a shit
It was noticeable to the point where multiple guys assured me that either they were gay or they “respected what I had with her.”
This is damning. If you feel like fighting for this relationship, bring up this point. Maybe the fact that she's embarrassing herself in front of others to the point that they are apologizing to you for her behavior may give her some sense of self awareness. She is young and may think her behavior is fun not inappropriate. The third party input may make her change her behavior/outlook.
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You would be the type. Good luck attempting to be snarky and passive-aggressive on here though. I'm sure it'll bode well.
He doesn’t actually know she’s driving under the influence, he just assumes she might be. If he actually saw her get behind the wheel intoxicated, that would be another thing. That would warrant a call to the police.
she broke up with you, as she said, you werent her priority.
I get that board exams are incredibly hard BUT, at that point, you either make a decision to prioritize one or a decision to balance. During the study period, you dont have to go on dates every week or something but compromises can be made. My partner and I literally had dates where I would be studying for the most part but cook a meal at night together.
She wants a second chance because now that shes done, shes ready to give you time. But, do you want to be with someone who couldnt compromise/balance and has to do one or the other?
I say, drop her.
Throw away the trash. He cheated on you. You didn't leave after. That signaled to him you'd be easy to control. No wonder he wanted to take you from your support network back to where he had an upper hand. He didn't have reason to think you'd oppose him, since you didn't leave after he cheated. Go back to where you have people who love you and where you are empowered. Leave him.
he deserves better than you. probably gonna get hate for saying that. but if you were willing to do what you say you did, he is too good for you anyway, you deserve what you ended up with.
Emotionally availability is a good thing to have, especially in a partner. Don't let it challenge your masculinity, and if a woman is bothered hy you crying about something well worth being upset about, do you really wanna be with her?
You leave him. He sounds emotionally abusive.
UpdateMe!
Yes, I chose to be shitty because I didn’t care about losing someone who didn’t love me. Never said I was forced.
Set a deadline. Give her the date and ask her to sleep on the couch until then. You are not her parent. She's going to have to figure it out for herself. Judging from what you've said here, she'll probably just ask the person who gave her the hickies.
Just think of what you want your life to look like in six months. Is this it? Start taking steps towards the life you want.
Sleep in separate rooms.
I sat on the couch as a SAHM. Who do you think keeps daytime TV so popular?
I just don't understand how this woman is lazy. You say that she doesn't have a lot of time because of things she needs to do because of your ADHD. Newsflash dude, I know you have trauma and diagnoses and maybe she doesn't (sure sounds like she does to put up with this) but she's still a person.
Yep, I think you are right about not getting unconditional love from your parents and that having a huge impact on you. I think dealing with some thoughts like these is actually normal, given your circumstances. It also seems like this woman loves you unconditionally, and that in itself can be unattractive, because that is what parents are supposed to do. But I dunno, man. If you feel like you're settling, that's not fair to her. It's also probably good to do some perspective taking, because this is an abnormal situation and you are expecting normalcy from her. But if these thoughts are twice a year or so, maybe try to figure out what is causing them to happen. I also just need to be very clear on this one, yes smoking every day to that degree is fucking this up and I'm sure you need ADHD treated or whatever, but neither of those things are causing your problem behaviors. That's your childhood trauma. You could have perfectly managed ADHD and no weed or like just a little at night or something and your attitude is going to be the same because neither address your childhood wounds. If you can't heal those wounds in therapy, then I'd highly suggest therapy that's more in line with behavioral intervention than talking things out, so you at least treat her better. Hope this helps.
Nah it wasn't even a video of them fing ;D
What I'm upset about is that she even has videos like these. Didn't think it was normal for your partner to have videos saved of pasts relationships.
I find it very disrespectful for the ex and for me.
Age is a pretext if, beyond the 2-3 years difference, you’re in the same stage in life (which it seems you are). Ask her what it’s really about.
hahahahah oh come on mate, have some self respect. Tell her it's over and go on with your life. You should also tell us what it is that she want you to change.
Anyway she is gonna go around fucking whoever she wants while you wait a month like a good doggy.
White lies don’t exist? You’ve never lied to not hurt someone’s feelings?
That's a little harsh, op herself says that something died in her husband when she made it clear she didn't want to keep trying for a child with him. Completely disregarding the disintegration of his dreams and hopes for the future and what that can do a person is unfair
Have you told her that?
Not weird at all… is she keeping him there as a backup? Sounds like it!
She does, now ask her out.
>does the vagina get tighter with birth control?
No. It may make the vagina less wet though. I suggest posting on a sexual related sub for more details.
Your “boundary” was pathetic for someone who supposedly cares about/ respect your relationship. I wouldn't want to be with someone period who wanted to hang out with someone who clearly isn't your friend nor has any respect for my relationship. You're enabling his behavior and clearly keeping the door open even if that's unintentional. You're lucky your BF hasn't broken up with you for how you handled it, so stop getting hung up on when he said what needed to be said. Sometimes we take to process our feelings or maybe he hoped you would actually act appropriately by yourself.
Which cheek?
Unfortunately you should break up anyway. Is sex all that constitutes cheating? No emotional cgeating is a real thing and your gf openly proclaims you will never be the most important person to her.
Needless to say in relationship this can nit be the case. Unless you are into polyamory, because that is what it sounds like.
Sacrifices or not you deserve better than that and should leave. Incidentally your gf will continue to have this problem with any future partner as well. This is, because in a relationship and family, they need to be most important, not some other person.
I bet If op was the one getting abused they would blame her for it. And most likely ask her why she keeps provoking him.
It does seem a little inconsiderate to me on your part, though, to use most of the pour for a few fries. I get it, though. So follow most of the advice here and have your own bowl for your ketchup needs. Problem solved!
Adopt.
the level of contempt on his messages omg
Why are you asking for advice when the answer is so obvious. He does not deserve. Girlfriend, fiancé or wife if he is going to treat them as poorly as he treats you. For your sake and as a favor to any future children you might have, walk away from this insecure, immature jerk.
My mother said only boring people are boring so frankly, I think your problems in your relationship or really with you. Unless she’s not sexually fulfilling, she got too heavy she doesn’t pay attention to you. If she cheats you don’t see a future with her she’s not attractive. But I haven’t heard any of these things.
And as far as taking her pets, if you decide to leave her, we were pets alone I don’t care if you helped her you’re making all these decisions that will destroy her for what virtually to me seems like a bored person
Your husband knows he's being hurtful and abusing you. He doesn't care. He only cares about himself, and what you can do for him. He wants you to be of service to him. He wants you isolated, alone, dependent, weak, and subservient.
What he does is all for himself. It is all control and manipulation. He will not listen to you because he doesn't care.
You need to get out of this relationship if at all possible. Get into a support group. A shelter. Get back into contact with your friends and family. You need separation from him. You are worth more. You deserve more.
I agree with most of what you are saying, but it is not OPs fault! Abuse like this does not start overnight, he tricked and manipulated her into this position where she feels everything wrong is her fault and she is isolated from her family. Please stop blaming domestic abuse victims! When it's this bad it is easy to look at a relationship and say why are you in such a relationship, but no abusive relationship starts out so out rightly abusive.
I can imagine her as a child seeing the ring knowing the story and knowing it would never be hers due to a stupid tradition and how that would be upsetting.
I can imagine how much the ring means to you also.
A highly emotional situation and empathy is key.
While I can understand that what I don't understand is Her tendency towards throwing out a sister over a stupid tradition.
The emotion is not the problem, the behavioural reaction is.
She's being a bitch.
you are young. you don't need a girlfriend right now enjoy your game and work on yourself.
It was just an intimate online friendship, nothing serious. That’s why it was so easy for me to open up.
this guy sounds like a jerk.