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Date: October 9, 2022
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Even if it is, this is not the time or the place to be questioning. Even if the chances of it being real are only 1%, she needs to hear our support, not your hate.
Post your butt. See how she likes it.
Can you talk to her parents? Siblings? Friend she is close to? Tell them that you are going to break up with her and would like their support in helping her grieve. Maybe they can offer to let her stay for a bit. I know legally you are obligated to give her 30 days but try to get her out earlier than that if you can. If not, maybe get a storage locker for whatever things you think she might try to damage during the 30 day period.
Don't listen to people about the christmas season stuff. After that it will be Valentines day, then her birthday, then her sisters wedding, blah blah blah. Theres never a good time to do it. Just get the process started ASAP. Now is a good time because she still has most of the month to find a place before January.
No he lives alone. No pets no children no siblings
Engage in some very low key hobby with s small hobby group, just to meet new people. Pottery, bowling, creative writing, whatever.
The more uncool the setting is, the less superficial and nasty people you find there.
Good luck!
Oh whatever, I could care less for your snarky comments
Reads like this make me happy I do not have these accts…
May I ask well nm, I’ll wait I’m sure folks will be replying and provide me the education or information I sought.
Best of luck op!
I don't have all the details of your relationship, but you say it was toxic so I'll take it at face value. The toll a negative relationship like that takes on a person can not be understated. Feeling helpless is normal. Feeling confused is normal.
Red flags:
we first together 5 years ago but I broke it off as I found out she was engaged to someone else.
she kept pushing me for marriage and kept blaming me for moving too slow
Everytime we'd argue about it, she would always say that it's my fault
She would always say how she wants someone who loves her more than she loves themselves,
In answer to your question, no this is not normal or healthy. You have to have a positive relationship with yourself to create positive relationships with others.
I don't get why she'd tell me to talk to her about anything then end up throwing it back in my face!
Do you really need anymore? She's reaching out to you because she wants something from you. But if she hasn't done the work to fix what makes your relationship toxic (if you both haven't, honestly) you are doomed to repeat the same pattern. Not to mention she isn't respecting your boundary of not wanting to be friends.
But then a other part of me wants to move to another country and completely away from her because I feel humiliated for feeling like I've been mentally and emotionally abused.
Stay in this emotional space for a bit. Keep her 100% on block. Stop interacting with her. Keep yourself busy. So you had decent sex, but she didn't treat you well. You deserve both.
And you were supposed to know about her….how, exactly? You don't owe her anything. He's the one stepping on her trust before they're even official. He's the one who wants to commit to her. He's the one who feels guilty. He's projecting.
It’s likely not intentional on her part. She’s socially inept and thinks her version of success is the path everyone should follow.
Sounds like the friendship has run its course. And her boundaries are different than yours, which is why the situation feels awkward now that your pulling away.
You can ghost her, or you can be straight with her and say the friendship isn’t working for you any more. That’s hard to do. Either way, there’s no scenario where the other person’s feelings aren’t hurt when ending a friendship. So I’d handle it the way you’re most comfortable with. Though I’ll say from my own experience, I regret being passive and not communicating my issues to the other party before cutting ties.
I told him that if it was an SA situation (which one time when he was drunk he implied he had been in such a situation), I would not blame him and that wouldn’t be his fault.
His morals are definitely anti-cheating and I genuinely don’t think he has cheated on me. I think he’s the type of person that would tell me if he had cheated. But obviously this conversation made me worry about it bc it’s just a really weird thing to say, even if our conversation was about the topic of cheating
I want to ask him more about it I just don’t even know how to go about it
when youre with him, you have happy hormones. dont listen to the happy hormones if you objectively know hes bringing you down.
Yes
Communication is a foundation of any healthy relationship if you can communicate with him your relationship is starting to turn unhealthy which is bad.
He is your bf so you should feel comfortable having tough conversations without him gas lighting you by saying he is depressed. And if he says that again offer help (baby him) by going step by step along side him to therapy. A lot of depressed people need to be “babied” into doing simple task like signing up for therapy.
People are allowed to have different opinions and different likes and dislikes.
She doesn't like what you like and thats fine, whether you think so or not.
Either you get off your high horse and let her have her own opinions and just stop trying to force her to like what you like or you stop being friends. Just because something is highly rated or is critically acclaimed doesn't mean everyone is going to like it and I feel sorry for you if you truly think thats the case.
if you don‘t smoke it are you in pain because of your autoimmune disorder?
I mean people can change. They can only change if they confront themselves. So yea some but not everyone
maybe this is what adults did to her as a child and it’s her only way of feeling like she’s being a good partner. maybe it’s traumatic inner child issues
So…he was pretending to sleep and therefore aware of you crying, and instead of comforting you, he uses the moment as some completely insane and asinine “gotcha” moment? Wtf
This relationship is killing your joy. Love isn’t enough: please don’t stay.
You're about to be 30, it's fine.
Don’t sign the birth certificate until you get a paternity test!
This didn’t even cross my mind until I read your comment. I trusted him to be loyal seen as he’s been cheated on twice….
Unless you feel like being the maid for this man I’ll forever, dig up some respect for yourself and leave.
Maybe because you don’t have a soul?
Fake
Talk your therapist as soon as she's available. And in the meantime take things slow and enjoy your relationship just day by day without feeling the need to commit to your boyfriend. As a fellow person of divorced parents, I want to assure you, even though you know it already, that their relationship is very different from yours and just because they got divorced doesn't mean that you'd have to face the same fate. Always be open to communicate with your boyfriend. That's a big part of leading a happy and healthy relationship. You'll be fine.
OP is in burning house complaining about the flickering lights in the hallway
It’s high risk because of the man being tested isn’t the father, he could attack and hurt/kill the pregnant woman. That’s the high risk the person you replied to was talking about.
I’m not saying your feelings are invalid. Just if someone is a cheater it’s built into their personality and morals. The situation isn’t going to make a wild bit of difference. But as I said make sure she is going to be safe and express your concerns.
From a safety point of view I would never be okay with my wife going on a holiday with 3 guys I’ve never met. They might all be nice but you don’t know them and neither does she apart from her BFF. But again if she wants to cheat she will cheat. This trip won’t be the reason, it will be her.
This is what happens when children have children.
She wanted to have sex first, and then make the BLT
She didn't disregard his wishes at all? It's not her fault that he wasn't feeling it, but she didn't “disregard his wishes” by trying to have sex first. Come on now.
He would most likely reply that he has very traditional values about gender roles and that’s not for everyone
It isn't odd, its damn near predatory when its 15+ years.
Whether he's chasing the cradle or your chasing the grave, it isn't fucking normal.
I appreciate the tough love and perspective. I can see what you’re saying, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t let go of this relationship without trying to salvage it. He’s a good man, he’s put together, he treats the kids and I with so much respect (this instance excluded.) He’s kind and hilarious, best sex of my life. Everything I’ve wanted in a partner and some that I didn’t even know I needed. We’ve never had any serious problems, other than some of the communication issues I referenced, and we have always discussed conflicts calmly and come to a mutual resolution. I think that’s why I’m so lost and hurt and confused, because he knows all of this is so good, we’re solid. And he just gave it all up because he’s scared.
Love is paying attention.
Let that guide you.
or there is the ever so slim chance of medical malpractice where you got infected blood transfusions or something.
Ehh no, it's a bacterial infection not viral and in your blood…
Why not talk to him about what might be underlying the drinking and tell him how much it upsets you, before jumping all the way to 100 and considering a break up after 2 years full of love and history? ?
You’d feel weird if your girlfriend posted a picture of herself in beach attire…. At the beach?
Holy shit. Not only was she going to cheat, but i’ve never really seen someone discuss it (with her mother, no less) in the way she did. Coldly, as if its some kind of punishment to you. I could never trust this type of person.
Another 20+ years age gap post…its always a similar issue.
4 months together and wants to take a break?
Dude break it off. This relationship is destined to fail
No is not
You have ONLY been with this guy for 6 MONTHS, and he is already telling you who you can be friends it’s, when you can communicate with your friends, does he tell you when you can see them too, does he have to be with you when you go see them….because that is the next step. Then it will be you can’t see them at all….don’t let this guy control your life. No nobody is worth that.
He was interested and then he wasn't, that's normal. Just lost feelings or whatever.
I think you should be a team and respect his wishes and also you aren’t the hottest in them, since you asked
Ok fine. Then don’t listen to advice. Lol. What the hell do you want dude? I offered advice and you’re being an ass.
Ok fine. Then don’t listen to advice. Lol. What the hell do you want dude? I offered advice and you’re being an ass.
You called your husband your punching bag. Realize for a second how that must make him feel throughout your marriage. It makes sense he’s done and doesn’t feel the same way anymore. You can’t always reverse the damage you make.
All you can do is tell her. She may believe you, she may not, she may even think you're jealous and trying to break the relationship and attack you. You will still know you did the right thing and everything you could. Your conscience will rest easy.
All you can do is tell her. She may believe you, she may not, she may even think you're jealous and trying to break the relationship and attack you. You will still know you did the right thing and everything you could. Your conscience will rest easy.
If he “can” be better then he's making a conscious choice to treat you badly.
Dating an older man that specifically was looking for naive woman….. and you're surprised he is incompetent.
Ok….
Exactly what did you expect from a guy that dates so much younger? They're never a catch. Guys that don't date around their own age are just looking for people that don't have a spine yet.
It kind of just started out of nowhere.
Also true. I guess I’m more so worried about him reacting positively to it and then in return I won’t want to move. I’m not moving for any particular reason.
She makes adult decisions she should own adult mistakes.
You’re doing the right thing. Make something up that’s pretty common and move on.
Good for you for not saying anything lol
Ultimatums don’t work and they will not work for someone who is suffering from depression. If anything it will just make things worse.
UpdateMe!
You are both toxic and need to work on yourselves separately.
He cannot hit you, grab you, push you etc. That is abuse.
But you cannot yell at him, punch him etc. That is abuse.
Break up with him. Get therapy. Do not yell at or harm your future partners.
Why on earth don’t you communicate this with her? Tell her you need some down time. Tell her specifically why. Is she walking with you because she decided she needs to start exercising and getting healthy, by chance? If that’s the case, can you talk to her about going for a walk and smoke by yourself, then meet up with her in an hour (or whatever time you think?).
I was a freshman in college at 17. Some of us with birthdays late in the summer end up as the youngest kids in the class. Starting college at 17 and being a sophomore the year you turn 18 is really common.
So what do? Decide if I'm okay being a proxy girlfriend until he is ready? Or do I just start to move on?
That monster! He likes Velma!
Isn't most work done to get money, & doing things you don't really want to do? If I didn't have to work for money, I would work on smaller passion projects, or not work at all ha
Exactly!!! The porn is the least of the problems presented here IMO
Hopefully you didn't send any with your face or identifying marks.
She's keeping an old fuck buddy around to do chores man. Come on.
LOL. I've never heard of someone keeping a dead pets hair, so I'm also surprised by some of the comments. I have some clay imprints of paws. Vets often offer those when you pet gets put down. Those I like, they're a cute reminder and can become part of decor, on a mantle or something.
Poo Pouri and at toilet snake!!
What are you jealous about? You don’t want that for yourself so why do you have an issue with it?
It’s really rude to ask people about their genitals. Especially on a first date!!! It also makes you seem transphobic. She won’t talk to you again. Just learn from it and don’t do it again.
Very true :(. Lesson learned.
You didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't have done anything differently with your exgf. She's a pos who showed her true colors and you're better off without her.
That is a good method, and to be honest even writing this post helped a bit. I think it stems from the fact that a previous relationship, that I thought was going swimmingly, ended when one day, out of the blue, my ex told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted to break up. So it's difficult for me to shake the feeling that it could happen again..
Date better men.
I think it's the lack of appreciation that she supported bil more than anybody else and the comment “be a better fan” is a snide comment as if she wasn't a major support before his friend started supporting.
It's similar to forgetting the people who were there for you at the beginning.
You may not feel like a creep but you did a creepy thing. I would just leave her alone since that's what she wants.
Throughout this whole thing you haven't expressed that you wanted to date her, just that you wanted to be friends and also have sex. Imagine you go out with a completely platonic friend, you're hanging out, having a great time and then he turns to you and says “sometimes I think about fucking you. Wanna do that?”
Your concern in this is “I'm worried I won't have a chance with other girls” which is also creepy and gross.
There's no empathizing with your friend for making her uncomfortable. There's no expression that you wanted to date her. Just that you wanted to start fucking her.
The advice I can legitimately give is to try to empathize with what you've done. Stop making it about yourself and think about your friend. The fact that you haven't expressed about how she must be feeling seems to say that you weren't ever really her friend – just biding your time to try to fuck her. Stop focusing on your wants and think about the consequences of your words and actions.
You need some hard introspection and legitimate change before this can be fixed. It can help to talk to a trusted feminist adviser (male or female). Or a therapist. Your empathy needs work especially where it comes to women.
Hey, thank you! We do have a ‘don’t hangout alone with opposite gender’ rule but I don’t really have any guy friends, lol. So it won’t really change much there.
This is how it goes after you break up with someone. He doesn't owe you his friendship, and your best move is to stop pursuing it.
Just because you are big and her hits don’t hurt you doesn’t mean that your wife isn’t abusive.
If she lacks such self control that she would kick your dog for an accident that happened while they were playing, I can’t imagine what she would do to a baby.
Please do not have children with this woman.
She texts another guy they both know, but don't know if they hang out.
It's not that I don't mind her and my bf hanging out its that I don't see why she has to hide hanging out with him or lying about it.
I even ask her does my boyfriend talk about me to her and she always tell me no. But from my boyfriend he tells me he does all the time and has evidence he does. Don't know why she would lie about that either.
He has a huge mouth and can't keep things to himself and would tell definitely tell me if something was suspicious.
With all due respect good lady, you cannot let us poor men hanging to that. I'm sure we all want to know the real cons of a gangbang. I'm sure i do atleast.
take copy of all !!
Yeah you are right. It might be a little different for me because I just recently moved to California and they take that stuff extremely seriously here, but I know it's different in other states. I still feel like OP should at the very least find a new job and quit ASAP because keeping yourself in that situation is never going to be fair for OP
so it is a red flag?
Because people go their whole lives living how they're supposed to rather than how they want to. Middle age hits and it gets to be too much. The more self aware of us manage to avoid kids before we figure our shit out, but everyone has their own struggles.
The stigma came from somewhere and your mom cares enough to discourage traveling into the unknown with a person with such a person. I've heard of only 3 people who got into “loving” relationships and one of them beat his dad over the head with an ax, went to prison then became a Christian (it's a guy called David Wood he has a yt channel) .
Be careful girly.
I've seen what a parent without capacity for empathy can do to a child. I don't mean egregious acts of violence, though I have on occasion. I mean the daily, weekly, monthly, yearly effect on a child with a parent who can't connect with them or extend any consideration before doing something that will have a negative impact on the kid, and the kid ends up confused, disconnected, and with a raging attachment disorder. And I've seen a LOT of women who “won't leave” because they “love him.”
I have met them all as their defense attorney, appointed when they have their kids taken by the state. You cannot have both, I'm sorry. You don't have to stop loving him, but it will be safer for your child if you do it from a distance. The mothers who get their kids back are the ones who finally leave. The ones who won't leave do not get their kids back. Every time. You can't have both, I'm sorry.
You had a boyfriend last year. so you’re into men. you’re engaging in sexual acts with your male friends but want to act like your girlfriend is the crazy one here for having an issue with it?
Dumpdumpdump
“Who lives over by ?”
It's okay, I have an internal dialogue too. We have the context, they don't ?
She’s getting dicked down by someone else
Claire is 100% right. You need to go back to therapy, you have not processed your grief, and you are letting it spill out into your life in incredibly toxic, unhealthy ways.
I asked Claire to stop making cookies because of that, but she just calmed me down and told me that she knows how I feel and that I should just get some rest while they're finishing making the cookies. I told her that she has no idea how I feel because I've never seen her braking down like that and questioned whether she even misses her late husband.
This was indefensibly cruel, and I'm gobsmacked that you can sit there with a straight face after saying that to another person that lost a spouse, let alone someone you supposedly care about, and still think “I don't need therapy.” You just casually weaponized her grief because you couldn't handle your own and you think you're fine??
You owe Claire a massive apology. You also owe your daughter a massive apology. Do you not see how your unhealed grief and toxic coping methods are negatively affecting her as well? You turned what could have been a happy bonding moment with the woman you brought into her life into something traumatic and upsetting.
I was in a stable condition ever since we started dating, and I think she needs to understand that I'm not as strong as her and will always miss Emily.
You are allowed to always miss Emily. What you are not allowed to do is this:
I made her know right from the beginning that she'll always be second to Emily, but that doesn't mean I don't love her almost as much.
Again, do you not see how casually cruel you're being to someone you claim to care about because you can't handle your grief? Get your selfish ass into therapy again and do it yesterday.
I appreciate your comment I think it was very weird for me too. We both had a few beers, but definitely not enough to be drunk.
Kids see, hear, and feel everything. You won’t even listen to this woman’s voice.
Oh good grief, the edit. WHAT THR HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!?!
Well I would dump her because she's a manipulative liar. She lied and also made it a whole thing. It could have been forgotten if she hadn't dramatized the whole thing. I'd consider this a major red flag.
Jesus Christ I’m so sorry. That’s just shocking.
Leave.
You've been busting your ass trying to communicate and make this relationship work, all while also keeping the entire household running. Do you think he's a stupid man? I guarantee you if he lived alone, he would miraculously figure out how to empty bins and feed himself. He continues to live this way because you're still there, so he has no reason to change. There are no consequences for his selfishness.
Have you heard the phrase 'don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm'? He is happy for you to burn to death in front of him while he waltzes around enjoying his responsibility-free existence. Who cares if he becomes a recluse without you? If you are looking for someone to tell you it is okay to leave him over these things: it is absolutely okay. You deserve to be happy, and he is not making you happy.
Be prepared for him to suddenly pull out all the stops when he realises you're actually serious about ending it. There's a strong likelihood that he will suddenly remember he has two hands and a working brain and start doing all the things you asked for. Try to remember if that happens – he didn't care to do it when it affected you, he only cares to do it now it affects him.
You need to divorce. Neither of you knows how to behave in a relationship.
Go out and date people your own age like you should have been doing when you were a teenager.
Write him a message.
With that said you need to address his anger. I know you want to stay with him, but unless he acknowledges his issues and starts working on them you should leave. The very notion you might do do, may be a wake up call for him. Words will not push him to change, but actions have chance to do so.
Btw, in his position I would be greatly upset as well. Not about cheating itself mind you (it was response to his cheating), but that you first decided to keep it a secret only to reveal it in such a casual manner.
You know how it looks from outside? It looks like you didn't tell him, cause it wasn't a big deal in your eyes. What else there may be, that you would casually reveal to him, but now won't since you have seen his reaction. These are the kind of thoughts, I would gave in his place.
speakers begin blasting
Yeah, I would give up here. Your relationship with each other is not strong enough.
Here's the thing, it speaks MILES to the MIL's approach to the relationship with her future DIL that she is making this choice.. Even if you believe it's a stupid tradition – it is STILL a tradition, and the MIL isn't the individual in a wedding to decide which traditions are going to be followed and which aren't – that right falls only with the bride & groom… and the MIL choosing to wear white says a lot about what she thinks of her relationship with her son and daughter-in-law-to-be.
OK that’s a huge wrinkle what you want it’s yours. It’s somebody in recovery if she’s not even willing to get sober and stay that way for a child. Chances are she never will. So that child will eventually end up being with you. Plus she will be incredibly needy and in trouble a lot and need you. She will be a huge strain on your already family another one your wife will have to pick up along with helping somebody with disabilities for little children and taking care of her life, she will have brought into her life addiction, mental health issues and probably a problem child as he grows older.
They aren’t friends. They are “Nice Guys.” They pretend to be your friend, but they really want to bang you. Let them know that you just don’t see them that way, and you’ll be rid of most of them.
If he doesn’t trust his friend and resents him for sleeping with his ex, why is he a groomsman??
He's been with me for 3 years. He helped me leave a bad situation with my mother and some family. He was always there when I needed someone. He's the one that asked me to be his girlfriend and told me he loved me. But a situationship makes alot of sense.
Well to answer your question, you MAY never find another man that would go to the same levels as your ex to make you happy. Now does it mean you won't find another man that is good to you at all? Not necessarily.
What I will say to you is if you do find a good partner, hold on them because they are NOT easy to find.
why are you with this person? you don't trust him, he assaulted you, he (in your own words) tortures you mentally and he's a creep
Being on your own is better than this – I promise
He’s butt hurt she was an escort, not that she was assaulted.
She’s playing you. Get out. You deserve better.
Just block her on everything and consider yourself as broken up permanently. “Have a nice life” is breaking up with you. If I had to guess when you started dating her, she either had just broken up or was just about to. In fact, do you have hard evidence she actually did break up with him? She’s clearly not over her ex and wanted you as contributor to her lifestyle. If she doesn’t understand moving in with her ex while dating you is wrong, then there’s no reason to be in a relationship with her.
I guess I really do have nothing to lose I mean the worse she could do is just block me again and then I just continue life as I have been since she blocked me. Im just as confused as you are that's why im here lol. She is very trigger happy when it comes to making decisions. Im gonna sleep on it but im leaning towards just letting it go because I dont have time for cat and mouse.