im not advocating that they get married, im just saying if hes wanting more then he should dump her bc he wont be happy marrying her. thus why her “ultimatum” is fine
Three months is not a long time. Things may change as she learns to trust you more, and feels freer around you. She did try to do something for you, by your own admission, it just didn't work out the way she expected. You're being much to impatient.
Sex can make us feel that we're in love, because in women, it causes us to experience waves of oxytocin, the bonding hormone.
That leads us to think we're in love rather than lust, or just the effects of being awash in bonding and nesting hormones.
Those are powerful feelings.
But they do go away after awhile, and if what you've laid your foundation on isn't solid trust, openness, mutual respect, mutual honesty and trust, it will crumble.
The feeling of being in love does go away! It's just to bridge the bonding gap.
But what you need to do is use the logic and smart part of your brain to do what's best for you in the long run.
Is this how you want to live? If you had a child with him and were pregnant with another, would he be home supporting and adoring you, or would he be out with the guys, picking up women?
Think very carefully and don't end up trapped because of the bonding hormone hijacking your brain!
I have no idea what problem of issue you are referring to other than it has to do with sex. So I can't tell you why it should be solely your responsibility or not.
Do you know any of the other wedding party spouses? Why no +1 for spouses. Ask him why can’t you offer to pay for yourself and go with them. I could see if it was just the groomsmen going, but this is not good.
But if it were you or someone you loved. Would you want them to take that risk?
The unfortunate truth is that people that knowingly abuse others have an incredibly low rehabilitation rate. It isn't impossible by any means. But it is unlikely. Knowingly and intentionally inflicting harm is a symptom of disturbed thought processes and abnormal emotional regulation. Without intense and willing therapy and professionally placed boundaries, coping strategies 5 other treatments as prescribed, these disturbances don't just go away or get better independently. You can't solve the behavior without solving the problem behind the behavior.
The chance of successful change diminishes more when the perpetrator of the abuse has committed repeated instances of abuse.
And the chance of successful behavioral change lowers even more drastically when the incident or incidents invovle any form of weapon, choking or damage done to a person's head or vital organs. Violence of this magnitude is a clear escalation of disturbed behavior and significantly increases the chance of the victim being killed, maimed or disabled as a result of the abuse.
An indicator of a person that has legitimately been making concentrated progress in changing abusive behavior is that the person has taken full responsibility for the behavior they displayed without excusing their actions or trying to explain away why they behaved as they did. In the specific example of this post the boyfriend does tell his friends it occurred, however he downplays the actions he took (I just slapped her and sometimes hit her a lot) notice that he admits to the slaps, but chooses to define his other violent actions as “hitting”. This is rather vague and downplays the seriousness of the violence he committed. Toddlers hit each other. Adults punch, grab, shove, kick, etc. A slap sounds less severe than saying you punched a person. He owns up to the slap but not the other behavior. Notice that he follows this statement up with “but I was in a dark place at the time and I've changed now.” This statement doesn't take responsibility for his actions. This attempts to excuse his behavior by stating that he was not doing well and that made him react with violence. Had he been doing well, he would not have chosen violence. This leads to a big question: if he falls into another dark place would he turn to violence again? What did he do to address this dark place and his violent reaction while in a dark place? How does he know or prove this behavior would not happen again?
When it comes to relationships with people who have a history of abuse or violent behavior, you have to determine what level of risk you are personally comfortable taking. That may mean never dating anyone with this history. That may mean assessing it on a case by case basis. Both options are valid. Should anyone decide to assess on a case by case basis they need to determine if the person has been honest, upfront, and taken full responsibility without excuses. They need to determine what preventative steps have been taken and what steps were taken to address and work on the behavior. If no steps have been taken, there is dishonesty, a lack of accountability or a combination of all, then it is not likely to be a safe relationship.
Are there really coincidences? Perhaps not. Once is coincidence. Twice is usually something else. You might be happier if you removed the source of doubt and found someone more trustworthy to be with. Be happy. It's worth the effort.
You don’t move in with your romantic partner just because you don’t want them to live with a specific friend. You move in together because you’re ready for that type of commitment.
She works small time gigs doing merch for events like concerts. She was talking about how miserable it would be at my house for hours and to my part I understood so I helped her get situated at her own home. She’s getting a job at a hospital next week. She’s out of town working right now and doesn’t get back until Monday.
She said she doesn't want to live in “an older apartment”. My standards are low and I'm extremely flexible. There are no places up to her standards within her price range, and she expects me to pay the difference.
I would tell to go for the 2 weeks but if she's planning on extending it you should separate beforehand. She needs to understand the severity of what she wants to do. Shes suggesting she might not come back?? No ma'am! Can't do that. She can regret the path her life took all she wants but she needs to take care of her responsibilities. If not to you, to her daughter who will be gutted to lose her mom for an indefinite period of time
So what you are saying is that you have no proof because someone with proof wouldn’t e hesitant to hand it over. This conversation is done because you have proven you don’t know what you are on about and don’t know what you are saying
Do not stay in a relationship, while unhappy, for your child. The only life lesson you will be teaching your child is that love=misery. Do not. You think that it's possible to hide to a child that you are deeply unhappy but it's not, it's really not. Your child lives in the same house as you and sees you every single day. There's no way that you can fake happiness and that your child will believe it's real happiness. You can't provide your son with an unbroken family, your family is already very broken with no way to fix it, the only thing that's happening is that you are physically in the same room with a man that already considers himself your ex if he's cheating the way he is, or if he believes that you're still together, he just doesn't respect you enough not to cheat, and you're trapped in the same roof with the ashes of your already broken, unfixable marriage. So stay gone. Divorce, find happiness, that's the best lesson that you can teach your son, that when you aren't happy, you don't have to stay and be miserable, you can find happiness. If your current husband is such a good father as you say he is, share custody and your son will have an amazing dad and a mother who is the best version of herself.
These questions are basically boundary setting for her. I always ask a hook up or potential partner when the last time they got tested was, if there's a chance fhey could get me pregnant they ask if I'm on birth control. Asking you to tell her if you're sleeping with other people is for her health, and potentially for her own interests to know where she stands with you. The vulnerable question is interesting and I can't see why that would be asked so soon. Asking about seeing a therapist, your reaction to this one speaks volumes. Most of these questions are actually things you will end up finding out about each other anyway but a lot of time can be lost spending time with each other without asking. These seem to be her non negotiable and honestly if you're getting mad at her asking them you're probably not compatible.
Deadbedrooms is so full of drama. One woman called her husband out recently pointing out that since he does absolutely fuck all in their relationship, apart from cheat on her, is why she doesn't wanna fuck him.
im not advocating that they get married, im just saying if hes wanting more then he should dump her bc he wont be happy marrying her. thus why her “ultimatum” is fine
Right I mean she’s probably great at sex, that’s just good practice is all!
Terrible reading comprehension 2/10
Three months is not a long time. Things may change as she learns to trust you more, and feels freer around you. She did try to do something for you, by your own admission, it just didn't work out the way she expected. You're being much to impatient.
Such awesome advice thanks man
Sex can make us feel that we're in love, because in women, it causes us to experience waves of oxytocin, the bonding hormone.
That leads us to think we're in love rather than lust, or just the effects of being awash in bonding and nesting hormones.
Those are powerful feelings.
But they do go away after awhile, and if what you've laid your foundation on isn't solid trust, openness, mutual respect, mutual honesty and trust, it will crumble.
The feeling of being in love does go away! It's just to bridge the bonding gap.
But what you need to do is use the logic and smart part of your brain to do what's best for you in the long run.
Is this how you want to live? If you had a child with him and were pregnant with another, would he be home supporting and adoring you, or would he be out with the guys, picking up women?
Think very carefully and don't end up trapped because of the bonding hormone hijacking your brain!
I have no idea what problem of issue you are referring to other than it has to do with sex. So I can't tell you why it should be solely your responsibility or not.
Do you know any of the other wedding party spouses? Why no +1 for spouses. Ask him why can’t you offer to pay for yourself and go with them. I could see if it was just the groomsmen going, but this is not good.
People can and do change.
But if it were you or someone you loved. Would you want them to take that risk?
The unfortunate truth is that people that knowingly abuse others have an incredibly low rehabilitation rate. It isn't impossible by any means. But it is unlikely. Knowingly and intentionally inflicting harm is a symptom of disturbed thought processes and abnormal emotional regulation. Without intense and willing therapy and professionally placed boundaries, coping strategies 5 other treatments as prescribed, these disturbances don't just go away or get better independently. You can't solve the behavior without solving the problem behind the behavior.
The chance of successful change diminishes more when the perpetrator of the abuse has committed repeated instances of abuse.
And the chance of successful behavioral change lowers even more drastically when the incident or incidents invovle any form of weapon, choking or damage done to a person's head or vital organs. Violence of this magnitude is a clear escalation of disturbed behavior and significantly increases the chance of the victim being killed, maimed or disabled as a result of the abuse.
An indicator of a person that has legitimately been making concentrated progress in changing abusive behavior is that the person has taken full responsibility for the behavior they displayed without excusing their actions or trying to explain away why they behaved as they did. In the specific example of this post the boyfriend does tell his friends it occurred, however he downplays the actions he took (I just slapped her and sometimes hit her a lot) notice that he admits to the slaps, but chooses to define his other violent actions as “hitting”. This is rather vague and downplays the seriousness of the violence he committed. Toddlers hit each other. Adults punch, grab, shove, kick, etc. A slap sounds less severe than saying you punched a person. He owns up to the slap but not the other behavior. Notice that he follows this statement up with “but I was in a dark place at the time and I've changed now.” This statement doesn't take responsibility for his actions. This attempts to excuse his behavior by stating that he was not doing well and that made him react with violence. Had he been doing well, he would not have chosen violence. This leads to a big question: if he falls into another dark place would he turn to violence again? What did he do to address this dark place and his violent reaction while in a dark place? How does he know or prove this behavior would not happen again?
When it comes to relationships with people who have a history of abuse or violent behavior, you have to determine what level of risk you are personally comfortable taking. That may mean never dating anyone with this history. That may mean assessing it on a case by case basis. Both options are valid. Should anyone decide to assess on a case by case basis they need to determine if the person has been honest, upfront, and taken full responsibility without excuses. They need to determine what preventative steps have been taken and what steps were taken to address and work on the behavior. If no steps have been taken, there is dishonesty, a lack of accountability or a combination of all, then it is not likely to be a safe relationship.
Are there really coincidences? Perhaps not. Once is coincidence. Twice is usually something else. You might be happier if you removed the source of doubt and found someone more trustworthy to be with. Be happy. It's worth the effort.
especially when we don't have sex every day and he doesn't give me oral in return most days.
I would be petty and start asking him for oral everyday. I think you might get it once a week.
akes me not even want to have sex at all any more.
Did you also tell him this.?
oh we are not exes, we were never in a relationship, one person had a crush and the other person didn't feel the same so got over it
You don’t move in with your romantic partner just because you don’t want them to live with a specific friend. You move in together because you’re ready for that type of commitment.
He’s a big ol’ walking red flag I’m afraid!
She works small time gigs doing merch for events like concerts. She was talking about how miserable it would be at my house for hours and to my part I understood so I helped her get situated at her own home. She’s getting a job at a hospital next week. She’s out of town working right now and doesn’t get back until Monday.
She said she doesn't want to live in “an older apartment”. My standards are low and I'm extremely flexible. There are no places up to her standards within her price range, and she expects me to pay the difference.
Sounds like she is missing some key information. Not saying this guy can’t be a dick. But I have learned don’t believe every sob story from a woman.
I would tell to go for the 2 weeks but if she's planning on extending it you should separate beforehand. She needs to understand the severity of what she wants to do. Shes suggesting she might not come back?? No ma'am! Can't do that. She can regret the path her life took all she wants but she needs to take care of her responsibilities. If not to you, to her daughter who will be gutted to lose her mom for an indefinite period of time
Op, please go over to r/Codependency and this will be the way to get out because this ALL codependent issues you are strictly describing.
So what you are saying is that you have no proof because someone with proof wouldn’t e hesitant to hand it over. This conversation is done because you have proven you don’t know what you are on about and don’t know what you are saying
Take care of yourself and think about what is your next best step to prepare to care for your baby. Your boyfriend needs to get himself sorted out.
Great way to put it
If you're not interested in working past this, don't bother confronting her, just get it sorted with your lawyer and tell her its over + why.
But you have to decide if this is over for you.
Do not stay in a relationship, while unhappy, for your child. The only life lesson you will be teaching your child is that love=misery. Do not. You think that it's possible to hide to a child that you are deeply unhappy but it's not, it's really not. Your child lives in the same house as you and sees you every single day. There's no way that you can fake happiness and that your child will believe it's real happiness. You can't provide your son with an unbroken family, your family is already very broken with no way to fix it, the only thing that's happening is that you are physically in the same room with a man that already considers himself your ex if he's cheating the way he is, or if he believes that you're still together, he just doesn't respect you enough not to cheat, and you're trapped in the same roof with the ashes of your already broken, unfixable marriage. So stay gone. Divorce, find happiness, that's the best lesson that you can teach your son, that when you aren't happy, you don't have to stay and be miserable, you can find happiness. If your current husband is such a good father as you say he is, share custody and your son will have an amazing dad and a mother who is the best version of herself.
Agreed on the nice let-down version, that's what I always used.
“I had a nice time (don't over-enthuse) but I don't think we're a match” is perfect.
Not “you're a great guy, but…” because he can argue if he's so great why won't you see him again? Just no.
I used to always add 'Good luck in your search' (it was online dating)
This guy I'd also block, though.
Sounds like you need change girlfriends
I honestly do not expect him to change. I would decide if you're OK with this behavior for the duration of your relationship.
These questions are basically boundary setting for her. I always ask a hook up or potential partner when the last time they got tested was, if there's a chance fhey could get me pregnant they ask if I'm on birth control. Asking you to tell her if you're sleeping with other people is for her health, and potentially for her own interests to know where she stands with you. The vulnerable question is interesting and I can't see why that would be asked so soon. Asking about seeing a therapist, your reaction to this one speaks volumes. Most of these questions are actually things you will end up finding out about each other anyway but a lot of time can be lost spending time with each other without asking. These seem to be her non negotiable and honestly if you're getting mad at her asking them you're probably not compatible.
Ask them lol
Deadbedrooms is so full of drama. One woman called her husband out recently pointing out that since he does absolutely fuck all in their relationship, apart from cheat on her, is why she doesn't wanna fuck him.