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Date: November 5, 2022
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Complicated situation… on the one hand, it’s not necessarily cheating, but if you both agreed not to, and she has done it anyway, then that would count to me…
The problems didn’t start when she started taking SSRIs, they started when she stopped taking them.
Normally the good thing for a partner to do would be to help their SO seek medical treatment but here OP is probably hurting her by dismissing whatever her doctors say as “gaslighting” because they self diagnosed her based on something they read on the internet.
You really think he loves you with all his heart? That is so, so sad.
Absolutely this!!! Every time she have those episodes call an ambulance and bye girl
Want to bet that the extended family has nooooo idea about what really went on?
That's pretty lame; have a conversation with him about it (one that is dispassionate and isn't judgmental, just a “let's talk about what happened that night because I don't think either of us were happy.”)
And then based on how he responds, you can assess if it was a one time thing and he'll do better or if its over.
I can see two sides to this.
But I'm actually going to lean to your gf's side.
I think people who dont do what they say they're going to do when they say they are going to just assume I have time to waste. And are disrespectful. I never used to think that until I started actually being productive with my life. Working out, cooking, reading, building side businesses. If a person knows me and they know I want a call from them, if you tell me you'll call me that afternoon. Fine. That could be any time. I'm flexible. If you tell me you'll call me at 2:30, it's not necessarily that I cant take the call at 2:50 or 3:00 pm. It's that sometimes it's just about respect for my time. Like maybe I have something planned and I was expecting your call then. If you cojkdnt do 2:30 then shoot me text saying you need your sleep and you'll call me later. But the way you wrote this post is like, okay so I said 2:30, shrug, what's another 20 minutes while I take my time to snooze then go do what I want to do before I call. Well what about my time? I don't think she's punishing you. She's telling you what she needs to feel respected. In my experience it starts with things like that and then next thing you know it's your turn with the baby or to pick the kids up from school, but you just felt like sleeping in and she can deal with it.
I see how it looks immature to you, if you needed to snooze for 20 more minutes, the least you could have done was sent a text saying, hey sorry, I'm more tired than I thought, I'll try to get you later.
If you’re not feeling it with the girl you’re dating them move on. That’s literally what dating is for to figure out who you click with and who you don’t.
Yea, find someone local and don’t waste your time with long distance relationships. That’s the best advice you will get.
You're a bigot
Going to be back in few hours with an answer, gotta think
I lost the love of my life to a mental illness, I had to leave her before one of us got seriously hurt. Our relationship and love was truly unique to me, I never felt anything like that ever again. If it hadn't been for that illness, we would have had no issues whatsoever. None of us were at fault for what happened.
This all happened in my mid twenties, I am in my thirties now so I hope you can learn something from me.
I have dated other women, I even was in a relationship again for 3 years, but no feelings I had for others ever came close to how I felt about her.
And I accepted that. I learned that it is absolutely harmful to hold on to the past, to cling to things you will never be able to change and that going forward and trying to make the best out of it is by far the smartest thing you can do.
There are other wonderful people out there, if you think about it statistically, it is pretty much undeniable that there are countless other people out there who would click with you in the most magical way. You just need to stop worrying so much about finding someone.
If you don't, then that is ok too. You can be alone and happy, relationships don't necessarily make your life better. But just relax and live YOUR life and stop worrying so much about guys from yesterday. It is all good.
Most of it is. But some of it is not and you’re projecting based on past trauma. You really need some intense therapy or you are going to find someone else to repeat these patterns.
If you can’t handle this, there is absolutely no shame I’m deciding not to continue your relationship (as long as you’re respectful about it). Anyone who would tell you otherwise is incorrect
Tell her how you feel. I just read a couple articles about this same sort of thing and if this is how the situation is, and she’s not pulling her weight, then either she shapes up or ships out. You gotta communicate first. Tell her what’s what in your heart.
And how far gone issue because two weeks is a very tight deadline for it to be somebody else’s. It’s possible was it just the once have you been trying for a baby because ultimately it’s down to you whether you stick around or not because it could be yours they also might not be yours. It depends how you look at it because if you break up with her and get with somebody else and they have kids is it not just the same thing yes she cheated on you and that is fucking wank. She needs to know that and understand that she needs to make you feel better and as if you can trust her but also you need to forgive her because nobody is perfect. Why did she cheat on you Christmas party alcohol fed up of trying for a kid stress is loads of things, but like I said it’s down to you you can racist kid as your own or you can raise it as it is your own small difference, but a massive impact doesn’t matter what colour you are or what colour the baby is at the end of the day that baby would give you unconditional love because it doesn’t know any different. It’s you who chooses whether to give it unconditional love the same way that that innocent child would give you if you get what I mean, sorry speech text so spelling might be a bit wank but I’ve been there done it seen it and it doesn’t matter what I picked and what I’m doing. What matters is I am happy and so are the children that I raise you are the manifestation of your own happiness. Either way you need to move forward because you can’t drive a car looking in a rearview mirror.
But she also stated she didn’t realize how badly he had no one to help. She said she would’ve pulled a favor at work to be able to help him.
Honestly work on yourself you have loyalty which is hard to come by these days from what I see on this sub so it's refreshing.
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your boyfriend should marry his mommy
Starter bf lol
I'll give you that.
You know what “adult” means? ??
your bf is a dirty old man
????
Obviously this isn’t about the electricity bill, he’s been wanting to divorce you for a long time and found something to use against you. That maybe he never wanted you to go with him?
You do not want to be stuck 4 hours away from your family if he’s just going to be abusive and manipulative with you. And maybe that exactly why the whole thing has started, it’s much harder for you to leave and his true colours are showing.
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He's says alot of guys would fuck their step siblings, they just cant. That they wouldn't be watching step sibling porn if they didn't think about it.
Not a hint of guilt from OP in this post, it’s all about protecting the lie.
Psycho shit.
Hah, I’d wish him all the best for the future as I would no longer be a part of his life.
Establish firm boundaries so he knows you won’t tolerate disrespect.
I mean, that's “i dont see a future with you” and not “you're not wife material”, cause the latter puts the blame on one party, implies noone would want them and is quite dehumanising.
Mental Health Counseling can be beneficial for situations like yours. I imagine there are other facets of your life that you experience extreme anxiety, not just with your relationship. Mental Health Counseling can help you learn skills and mechanisms to help with those symptoms.
He said she doesn't have the qualities. I am sure the conversation probably was a bit deeper than the two sentences written here.
Ok, here's my take as a guy.
The test, or any test, for that matter, translates instantly to us as “I can't trust this person because anything and everything could be a test.” If you want to find something out, wait until it naturally comes out or straight up ask.
If this guy, or any guy, shows controlling tendencies and it comes out, you are free to leave the relationship any time. No need to test.
What you did was a trap for him because if you did a “harmless test” like that, all he is thinking about is “what else might she test me on and will future tests be “harmless” like this was supposed to be?”
You're immature and your friend is immature. Men want transparency not games.
Again, tests don't work. Manipulation isn't a good way to build a strong foundation for a relationship. There are probably tons of other signs that's you're ignoring.
You were already making excuses for this dude’s poor character before you even got to the issue at hand. “A good heart” is denial-speak for describing a person that is a loser. Accept that fact. This is who he is, and it is not going to change. You’ll have a whole lifetime of these mishaps with him at your side. Do you want that?
You are not going to change a 53 year old woman that doesn't want to change. You are 25 and should build your life and your future. She clearly doesn't appreciate you for being a dutiful adult son and not treating you as an adult. I hope you buy a house and help family when you can but don't let them dictate your life. You have your own path and if they don't want to let you enjoy the journey living with them than it's time to leave
You should have taken your son to the hospital for a blood test!!
Talk to a lawyer!!
He, like so many dudes who want to “open” an established relationship, is delusional.
It will go: 1. They open relationship 2. OP has tons of offers/dates/hook ups 3. Bf can't get the time of day from other women 4. Bf grovels, reunites with OP, and then blames HER for rampant insecurity he then experiences AND/OR 5. Bf posts to reddit regarding how much he regrets opening relationship.
This isn't a jab at poly amorous people who communicate and everyone signs up fully informed; it's a jab at folk who want to have their cake and eat it too. OP should dtmf.
The thing is I do a lot of extra stuff but I don’t feel treating them as an excuse to leave home/escape right :/
It all depends on context – and how he feels – and how he rolls, and I can't really say what that is.
But maybe you could just ask him to say something nice – and real. And it will be kind of cool – and special, to see what he comes up with.
How do you tell if someone is genuinely remorseful or just remorseful about getting caught? Legit curious what to look for
It's definitely just biased on her part. Previously, her opinions on age-gap relationships were negative and she knew why they were so problematic. However, she's been justifying really odd relationships in media or in real life. There was an incident where she thought it was okay that a 16-year-old called a 10-year-old Christina Ricci “hot” because “they're both kids”. She probably changed her views in part because she sees nothing wrong with her own relationship and also because she would look like a major hypocrite if she was disgusted with women dating senior citizens.
Then don’t do things to cater to people if you’re just going to use it against them.
No one likes a martyr.
Have you actually talked to her about the issue?
Does she know that you actually dislike the shoes you normally watch together and that you're doing it for her? Does she know you feel hurt that she doesn't try to show an interest in your interests? Did you ask her to watch the show with you specifically because its something you're interested in and you want her to try to show an interest in your interests?
If not, then you really need to sit down and have a conversation about this pattern of her refusing to engage in your interests. If it's important that you have a partner who engages in your interests with you, for you, as you're willing to do for them, you need to make that clear to her (it's a fair thing to want, by the way). You two just might not be compatible if you want her to engage in your interests and she doesn't think that's a necessary part of a relationship.
Now, if she expects you to engage in her interests for you but refuses to reciprocate, then I would say she's acting like a hypocrite for expecting that from you and refusing to reciprocate. In that case, you should leave her because that's some grade A bull.
But maybe she just doesn't know! Maybe she doesn't realize you put in this effort to watch her shows with her and thinks you just don't care whats on. Maybe she doesn't expect you to do that at all! I don't know, only you and her and figure that out and the solution is communication.
Seriously, I don't understand why people are so hung up on age gaps now. 99% of human history has consisted of similar if not bigger age gaps between couples.
You can be taken advantage of by older men when you're 30. I'm in my mid-thirties, noone wants to date me. If someone came on to me and they were younger (to a certain degree, obv) I would not think about the difference in age.
This is anecdotal but I've found that the people who lose their shit over the kind of manners and etiquettes OP is talking, are always the most shallow people. Always, without fail.
Hear this story and get an abortion, OP. He thinks he has you locked down with a baby now. He maybe even realized you were about to leave and messed up the birth control on purpose. Leave him asap, go back to your family – I'm sure they'll be glad to see you.
If you decide to keep the baby, you should still move asap. Once the baby is born, he can stop you from moving to a different state. While you're still pregnant, you can move wherever you want to.
The most dangerous domestic violence offenders strangle their victims. The most violent rapists strangle their victims.
We used to think all abusers were equal. They are not. Our research has now made clear that when a man puts his hands around a woman’s neck, he has just raised his hand and said, “I’M A KILLER.” They are more likely to kill police officers, to kill children, and to later kill their partners. So, when you hear “He choked me,” now we know
YOU ARE AT THE EDGE OF A HOMICIDE.”
~CASEY GWINN Co-Founder, Training Institute on Strangulation Prevention
Get out now! block him on everything! And TESTIFY AGAINST HIM. HE IS A THREAT! None of this “But I don’t want him to have a FelONeY BS.“
He wants emotional support from you and you want more space. You want him to change to accommodate you, he wants you to change to accommodate him. Neither of you are bad for wanting those things. You actually want the same thing from each other, just on opposite sides of the spectrum. So discuss both sides, respect both sides and find a solution you both can live with, or break up because you’re not compatible.
You need to start running again. But away from him. Do not marry this man! If he hasn’t had sex with you for 9 years then he never will. He’s getting his sexual satisfaction elsewhere obviously. Please leave!
Break up. It isn’t going to get better.
And FRIEND corrected that the 20 y/o was a 10 of 10, right?
Don’t let this ruin a long friendship. She has bride brain & is caught up in everything being perfect, including you. It also sounds like a lot of this is coming from her mom.
Because you love her, let this go. You can redo your makeup after the ceremony if you don’t like how you look.
As to your style – maybe it’s too much for her mom or for her wedding pictures, but it’s not too much for YOU – and before her wedding, it’s never been a thing at all.
I know your feelings are hurt, but it is so clear that she’s your favorite person – just accept that she’s not herself at the moment & let this shit go. Pretend you’re dressing for a part in a boring play. It’s almost over!
It'd be if the daughter was the uncomfortable one. She's basically said she doesn't give a crap, so why do you guys feel the need to speak for her?? I stg the double standards of people. (Not talking about you specifically, but he has mentioned that the women also wear undies sometimes only.)
You poor, unfortunate thing. I'm sorry you were cheated on, but with a personality like yours, it's guaranteed. Talk about it with your therapist, they'll help you get over it. You poor, damaged soul.
This really depends on whether you value your boyfriend's opinion over the opinions of others who might see these photos. If he like them but you delete them out of your own vanity he's not going to be very happy.
That was my immediate thought. There's no way to politely decline that question without it being super awkward. I know that's probably the intent of some but it can come off as aggressive. A far better approach would have been a simple 'hey, would you like to grab a coffee sometime?'.
I'd chalk it up as experience and move on.
He was living at his parents house or stay at a friend’s house. Do I need to be more understanding about him ?
You know, while the stupidity and carelessness regarding your health is astounding and enough to dump him…I'm really curious why he can't get the condom on without the lotion… does he unroll it completely and slips it on like a glove?
Meh, I don’t know, for my part I can’t get over a crush if I haven’t confessed, and I’ve confessed quite a few times while knowing perfectly well it would be 100% unrequited… I’m pretty sure there are other people like this, si we shouldn’t assume that the guy wanted gf to cheat on OP, imho
I can’t say it was 100% his mom, things were not great for a few years before. But we were not strong enough to handle her meddling. We moved literally weeks before Covid, my dad had just been diagnosed with cancer, I moved away from all my friends and family into isolation and then homeschooling in isolation plus working etc.
But, my house was a mess according to them. Forget that I was in the absolute depths of depression. Forget that while my MIL was criticizing me, she had been off work for months due to stress leave. Or that they kept a constant stream of garage sale clothes and toys coming into our tiny apartment, and he didn’t want to hurt their feelings by asking them to stop.
I gave up. Just completely checked out emotionally. He blames me for that too.
Ugh. On to bigger and better, right?
Maybe I'm just old, but I never told my mother who I was dating until it was super serious – like engagement. Do you need to tell your mother? Would the pressure of not telling her be worse than a potential bad action? Are you confident in this relationship? Or are you projecting your concerns onto your mom?
You shouldn't have to be talking couple's therapy just after a year in. That's way too soon for therapy. If you need therapy this soon in a relationship, go ahead and call it a day.
He's not kind to you. He's not nice. By no means do I mean he doesn't care; I'm sure he does. But he takes his stress out on you and it's unfair and just plain mean.
Marriage counselling, unless he actually wants to be a partner and father this will end up killing the relationship.
Who ever cares the least, has the most control over the relationship.
Agreed, most men I know would snap their fathers fingers if they laid hands on their wife
Those would be some great questions to ask your wife. If you are engaging with her intimately (rubbing her feet or shoulders), though, with the expectation of sex in return then you are basically putting coins in a vending machine. If your wife knows or can feel that you are doing things with your own pleasure in mind, and not hers, then this is why you are being met with a brick wall. Her body has been dedicated to this pregnancy and now child, and now what little energy she has left is expected to give her body to you too. Take your desires off the table and think about HER NEEDS.
Yeah not only it really lower your life expectancy but it can be deadly!
THIS. OP, I had this exact scenario happen. My ex was sooo determined to figure out who was behind the instagram profile that reached out to me. Vs. The truth. If he was truthful, he would laugh this off rather than find out who is trying to expose him. And then I got trickle truths after, and then I found out he had in fact cheated. This chick is probably scared of releasing her ID in case of backlash.
Thanks for sharing. Do they have age limit? You mentioned being 37 as one of the factors that it didn't work.. I do know about the risks of geriatric pregnancy but I mean it's still possible to have a healthy pregnancy at such age
She wouldn't have to snoop if you just told the truth.
Lying and misogyny don't look good on anyone.
You and your friends need to grow up.
and on the part of the 18 year olds guys at work… am i wrong for going cause he’s not comfortable with me going and being around other guys who i have no feelings for …?
and on the part of the 18 year olds guys at work… am i wrong for going cause he’s not comfortable with me going and being around other guys who i have no feelings for …?
and on the part of the 18 year olds guys at work… am i wrong for going cause he’s not comfortable with me going and being around other guys who i have no feelings for …?
And a life and therapy and to grow the hell up
It happens.
A deadline to call?!?! What’s she going to do? Dump you?
So, everything was fine for the first few years, and then she started acting distant. Your reaction to her acting distant was to sit her down and discuss YOUR feelings. Did you ever ask her how SHE was feeling? Ask what was happening with her that was causing these changes? If everything was so great in the beginning, you should have become concerned when your partner starts pushing you away, not resentful. Honestly, break up with her for both of your sakes.
I think you can poke a few holes in any ego if you put your back into it.
Yea! Completely agree about just ignoring it (of course, i typically do and it would be really weird if I did not hahah). In fact, it reminds me of the James Baldwin quote I heard one time “If you continue to view me as Black then I have no choice but to see you as White”.
I just met all his coworkers the other day and it triggered me to think about it, since they were talking about shared experiences. 🙂 I'll be okay, just curious for people's insights and shared experiences!
But this will most likely be the last time his kid sees his mom. The kid deserves to know she’s most likely saying goodbye for good.
YTA for posting this here. Go post on r/AmITheAsshole. Moral judgment requests are against the rules of this subreddit.
Woah, why are you being downvoted? These are serious questions that are difficult to answer.
Maybe people are mad that he brought this up at some time other than the begining, but honestly do we expect people to know their full selves and everything they could possibly want before even starting a relationship? Thats bullshit, we are all here just learning and trying and its hard to know what you want now, nevermind for the rest of your life – unless you are the most boring person who never changes.
Yay communication!
Hey, they're the best parents!!
I started dating my husband when I was 20. He stuck with me through med school and 5 years of a long-distance relationship. We got married when I was a resident.
There is NO RUSH.
Promiscuity is usually associated with a multiplicity of partners. Since OP comes here earnestly asking for advice, we should not judge her harshly.
I think you are overreacting about porn.
But that aside, she wasn't able to keep the boundary and lied about it. She likely won't be able to keep restraining herself for your sake, and you will never be happy that way so … you might consider breaking it off
Tell him the truth. If you are real friends. It will not ruin your friendship.
Ha he is going to fuck the daylights out of her when he returns from deployment
Why are they laying over in Florida? To see her? For how long?
When you then mention your girlfriend's living situation, to me this puts the icing on the cake if you will. You tell us in the post that she's constantly asking for favors and has pissed your mom off a number of times. Now she's fighting with her roommate. You say rightly so, but why is she? Seems she has a pattern of being a frustrating person to be around.
Either way, she doesn't want to stir the pot with the roommate, but doesn't seem to have any reservations with taking advantage of you and your family.
We can tell what kind of person you are from how you reply to everyone in the thread. Your ex didn’t break up with you for the smoking incident, that’s just the straw that broke the camel’s back. You sound immature and exhausting to deal with and she is over your bs.
Leave. Plan this with anyone near you and leave this pathetic ass.
Stay afraid, and also, lighten up… rather than resist find things or people to enjoy while doing it. You’re a partnership, not two ships who happen to be travelling the same direction!
Does he know how much what he said hurt you?
Well his response to her getting so upset that she broke down crying was, “I don’t understand why you’re crying.” So it seems he gets how much it hurt her and his response was to try to invalidate her feelings. Great guy all around.
I don’t see how you cancelling your trip makes sense. Are you going to be unreachable these 5 days or going with anyone else/a group? I mean her reasoning for it before you messed up was probably illogical to begin with, now it’s just an opportunity to force you into canceling. Personally I think it’s bad behavior for your partner to not want you to be able to take solo trips/trips without them without an extremely valid reason and healthy relationships usually don’t have that sort of dynamic. Why did she argue with you to cancel it to begin with?
The part I find suspicious was the immediate knee jerk reaction to hide the truth which I had already heard. The deception, the natural instinct to lie. I don’t think it would have mattered one way or the other who he was training. I was just surprised and caught off guard that his first inclination was to be dishonest. I am doing some internal assessing to figure out my role, but I am also not willing to let this situation go unexplored, as is my nature.
Tell her. I had a friend who did this in college (including with me! And a high school gf I didnt know about, who they then broke up with, I chose to avoid the mess, and they started fucking my roommate and got back together with the gf. After that, broke up with that gf, got separate gf, kept sleeping with my roommate, exchanged dick picks with another mutual all summer, broke up with that gf, started dating my roommate, and cheated on her with 3+ others, before breaking up with her to sleep with another friend who had a bf, who they then broke up with to date them, and whom they then cheated on…you get it). Serial monogamist AND serial cheater. They even dated multiple people with whom they were in explicitly open relationships where the only rule was please tell me and they managed to not do that. We were 18, everyone was a mess, whatever. But this was like a cycle or addiction. Love bombing, incessant cheating, deep guilt they would mAkE aRt about, I'm so terrible, rinse and repeat. And then I move in with them ten years later, only to have three they were sleeping with behind each other's backs show up at our house all the time, an ex girlfriend appear from the other side of the country, just the same exact shit but somehow worse. In college I was the bad guy for holding them accountable and not humoring the bullshit. In my late 20s I decided it wasn't my problem anymore, and attempted to sit down with them to talk seriously about how this affects other people, including those they are not sleeping with. Then, my grandpa died, and I was informed over text that one of the new partners, who I had begged not to do this exact thing, was moving into the home. It became a nightmare for roommate 4 and me, including being locked out of the house while clocked in mid-remote work day bc they were fighting and tons of other goodies. I literally fled states away with almost no notice and haven't spoken to any of them since. Point: this shit is a pattern, inexcusable, and hurts far more than the people directly affected. Tell her. Just tell her
Sounds like permanently bulking ?