Our Threesome Broke Me (F35, M37)

Repost, because the bots are picky.

Throwaway, even though I'm absolutely certain my husband would figure out it's about us if he ever came across this post.

Also, before I get started, I am NOT interested in leaving my marriage. Our relationship is otherwise loving, respectful, kind, and balanced.

Now to the story:

This turned into a lonnnnnng diary-like post. My apologies for the length.

TLDR: we had a threesome, that was more like a twosome, and I can't get over the hurt.

Me, F35. Him, M37. Married 16 years.

We had a threesome. Two, actually, with the same person. I set it up. It's always been a fantasy of his, and although I was on the fence, there were things I wanted to explore, too. We lost our virginity to each other, so our outside experience was very limited

I went on my first "solo" vacation earlier this year. I don't know if it was the whole "absence make the heart grow fonder" or what, but my husband and I were like horny teenagers again when I got back. That's when the whole threesome thing really took off.

I set up the dating apps. I wrote what we were looking for. I initiated all conversations. Once I confirmed our match was 100% on board, he joined the chat. He let me lead, because in his words, he was happy either way. I've always been bi-curious, and he's fantasized about threesomes. Seemed like the only way to flesh it out.

We met a few women in person. Our approach was conservative: talk, go on a date, go from there. Everyone was great about discussing boundaries, and I felt safe. We chose one woman, because I didn't want to manage multiple "external" partners.

The first encounter was great, mostly for them. There was equal attention between all parties, but I was extremely nervous and uncomfortable. Nothing felt enjoyable to me, but they both came, and my husband and I went home. He was very affectionate and encouraging. I chalked my discomfort up to first time jitters.

The second encounter was two rounds.

The initial date was amazing. Dinner, sightseeing, drinks, great conversation. I legitimately like her.

Round one: I was more open. But still nervous. I realized then that I wanted to experience a woman on my own, not with an audience (my husband). I felt awkward and inexperienced and embarrassed. They again got along well. Great chemistry. He finished in me, and she and I took a shower together. If the night had stopped here, everything would have been fine.

Round two is what broke me. It was late. We were all staying in the hotel this time. The three of us, in a king size bed. I didn't want to sleep next to her, so my husband was in the middle. At some point, when I was mostly asleep, I could tell they were messing around, just the two of them. I FROZE. This was a boundary that he knew about, but I didn't discuss with her because I trusted him. ("I don't want to wake up to you two messing around.") He asked my "permission" to have sex with her. I should have said anything other than "sure", but I was legitimately frozen. I don't know how else to describe it. Couldn't move, couldn't speak. Paralyzed by something – I still don't know what. I was lying on my stomach at the edge of the bed while they fucked. I could see their shadows on the wall. I heard everything. She said I was a lucky woman as she came a third time (something I've never been able to do). He finished.

It made me sick. Right there. I finally got my senses back and ran to the bathroom and was sick. She offered to leave (I'm sure it was awkward), but I asked her to stay. We gave her a ride home in the morning. Hugged goodbye. On the ride back home, my husband and I talked. He made a comment about how the second round was good for his ego – he's lucky if I come at all, let alone multiple times.

I SOBBED for hours after we got home. I don't know why it hurt so much. My husband was gentle and kind to me after. Apologized repeatedly for violating the boundary, and for the "ego" comment. It broke me deeply, but I felt there was nothing to forgive. I set myself up for this.

She ended things a couple weeks later. She said I wasn't ready, and she's right.

It's been about four months since the incident I call "Round 2". I canNOT let it go. How can I measure up to that? How can he be satisfied with me anymore?

He has reassured me whenever I've brought it up. Which was only a couple times, because I don't want to burden him with this. It messed me up to the point where I have almost no sex drive, and I'm numb when he's inside me. I miss our sex life…

How do I move on from this experience?