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Maria-Myers Public Chat Channel
Date: November 4, 2022
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You’re assuming that this woman knew any of this from one date. If I go out on a date with a guy it doesn’t matter if he sees me as potential wife in his eyes, he doesn’t own me.
You’re not owed exclusivity or monogamy.
Women don’t owe you chastity just because you’re interested.
It’s already hard enough to find safe casual partners to meet our needs so if we have a FWB who fills that it makes logical sense to continue getting that need met until the relationship has been actualized meaning we mutually agreed to be together. She did not fuck some random. But either way it still doesn’t matter.
It makes no sense to assume and project all these ideals on a woman you simply had one date with. This is allll ego driven behavior.
If he had said “don't date a gaming addict” how would you feel?
He loves you with his entire heart but bailed on you when it came to living together so now you have to get a second job to cover expenses that would have been covered by him if he didn't bail? I wouldn't do that to someone I loved. I actually would do that to someone I disliked… No, I wouldn't actually… It's too mean. No one deserves that.
He loves you with his entire heart but bailed on you when it came to living together so now you have to get a second job to cover expenses that would have been covered by him if he didn't bail? I wouldn't do that to someone I loved. I actually would do that to someone I disliked… No, I wouldn't actually… It's too mean. No one deserves that.
You're not wrong , if i were you I'd divorce ..
I would be livid and I’m fired up just reading this. That’s money that could have been used on you and your kids. It doesn’t feel like that was all that happened in that hour. I personally wouldn’t be able to ever trust him again.
Why don't you actually enforce your boundary instead of being controlling? Do you want a partner you have to constantly check up on?
Yes it's in the past, but it's also part of who she is, and he doesn't have to respect that.
You still don’t know what bigotry is. Being judged based on your actions still isn’t bigotry, no matter how much you want it to be.
Not really. It's just a fact. The circumstances around OP losing her V status are abhorrent, and no one should ever have to experience that. But facts are facts, despite how people feel.
Every relationship
I wanted to spend more time with him than that but I was trying to leave him alone
this is abusive behavior on his end
Move forward……………Without her
Oh man, so when shit gets a little bit difficult she gonna run to closest hot dick she can find? I'd leave but that's me.
ahh they are “southern” i can tell you without a fucking doubt as a southerner that we are a hell more polite then northerners… Way be be predjudiced based on where someone was born though. you kinda suck, the fact that you look down on him for being from the south says it all. he should leave you.
It's not cheating if you didn't specify that you were expecting exclusivity.
You should never assume that someone is going to be exclusive with you if you don't discuss it.
Run.
You’re going to get an STD. She will not be faithful, so either accept being open or leave. She’s addicted. She doesn’t want to change. You cannot force her, nor does changing for another person with regards to drugs work. She’s addicted. Keep yourself safe.
Well yeah I realise that now but that’s not what I’m asking.
Everyone's a hero on their own story
honestly? i think you could’ve communicated better. it sounds like she wants someone who’s more available than you.
you could’ve said “hey, i really enjoyed our date yesterday. just letting you know, i’ll be pretty busy with ___ but i’ll text you whenever i get the chance!”
To this day, I still don’t believe people can not respond within a day. I see all of u Mfs on ur phones 24/7 ain’t no way ur not responding cause u busy
Just talk with him. Let him know how you’re feeling.
Tell him that it hurts you, especially when he’s sitting right next to you.
It’s normal for people to occasionally look at porn. However, that doesn’t make it okay for him to be looking at other girls right in front of you. That’s hurtful!
Exactly. That’s where the chance of violence is the highest. It’s in private, maybe had a couple drinks, high risk of violence. The violence argument fails on every level. A trans person who does this needs to go to therapy and stop their manipulative ?
Like at this point she knows where your line is, but where is her line for this? At what point does her behaviour become inappropriate? Does she have a line?
The gifts and interactions seem a step too far to me and I'd imagine to most people it would too.
I think she needs to reflect on why a celebrity 'crush' is considered okay by most: a celebrity 'crush' (and I say 'crush' because they usually aren't a REAL crush) is okay because they are just harmless fun, not because of the “celebrity” aspect. Hers isn't harmless anymore and that's the problem.
If it moves from a 'crush' to an actual crush, which it WILL if she keeps nurturing it like this, then that's just willingly nurturing a secondary relationship that is actively detrimental to what should be a married person's most important relationship: their marriage.
Please for your own sake don't back down on this.
It sounds like she didn't want you to come.
There could be a number of reasons for that, it doesn't sound like anyone else was bringing their partner, she may have not wanted to share time with her colleagues, etc etc. It could be anything…
All I'm saying is that it doesn't sound like you were especially welcome, even before you got there.
How did you guys decide that you were going to go?
So how long do you suggest the OP continues trying to hash it out with her? Because it seems like he's tried everything he can to resolve it in a respectful and loving manner and look at the behaviour she's resorting to. This is the point where he needs to call her bluff, the only way things will be resolved one way or the other is to take that decision off the table. If the marriage fails it will be her fault due to her selfish and toxic behaviour.
I wouldn’t say the things you mention are “acting so interested” that’s just one interpretation, and to go even further, acting interested in what? You don’t even know as it’s all guessing. He might just be attracted to you but not want anything. I see nothing really major here apart from you analysing his intent that can get you nowhere. Some people are just flirty, some people are just friendly, he possibly is interested in you but that’s a big maybe and ultimately hasn’t done anything decisive to suggest that he is, so I’d just shrug and take him at face value. If you think something is there then ask, because you can spend a long time wondering and him never asking you out/telling you he likes you, reading into his actions that he probably has no intent with, while he’s dating others
The night I had the conversation with her about being in a relationship she told me that we should stay friends while she “chips away” at the things that bother her. “It’s harder to break a friendship than a relationship”
You're not too sensitive and you're not crazy. He is a shitty, selfish person.
I’m not idolizing her, im just admiring how nice her life is and english is my 2nd language so vocabulary is not exactly my strength :/ (and i’m also a girl, probably should have mentioned that)
That should be easy!
If you think her behavior is inappropriate then it's up to you to stop communicating. Once a person makes it clear that they want more than friendship and don't respect your current relationship, the relationship in general with that person is no longer appropriate. At that point, it's on you to stop communicating, not on her. If you keep it going at this point you are colluding with this person and you yourself aren't respecting your own relationship. Time for you to take responsibility through meaningful action.
You’re just as abusive. Watching and doing nothing is just as horrid.
You need to get into therapy. I don’t recommend diving right into trauma heavy discussions before you have gotten a feel for if the therapist and you are a good match but finding someone with experience with these kinds of abuse to help you is so important. Not only for yourself but for your family so that you can be the best father for your kids
Do you hate cheaters?
Because he’s just using you sex and doesn’t care about anything else from you
Good Lord. Doesn’t Every guy breaks this boundary?
As a female solo traveller, I had also a need to travel solo for longer periods, fortunately I haven't been in the relationship, but there is no way the relationship would stop me from making it true.
Travelling solo is an aim itself and at 22 her she wants to do it probably to get to know herself better. It's a completely different experience than the one with partner of a friend. I still love travelling alone and need to do it for shorter periods even when in the relationship. But I am 35 and I have proved to myself what i had to prove.
You coming with her is not the same. A better suggestion would be to meet somewhere for a week or two in a month or two and travel one country together.
Otherwise what you are asking her to do is to sacrifice something what's probably her life dream for a sake of your comfort and being together in the same place. The relationship can survive if you both put the work necessary, but I can tell you it will not survive if she sacrifice her dreams and fulfilment for it, she will resent you and relationship for it.
You don't need to understand the need to travel solo to accept it, but if you can't understand how personal dreams and fullfilment may be equally important as relationship, then you need to reassess your perspective. There is no happy relationship, if both people are not living fulfilling life outside of it.
Why? What reason you have for not wanting to sleep with someone who's slept with a lot of people?
You are probably not aware that you are emulating a misogynictic person, but that's what you are doing. Women can be misogynists too.
Yes he had time and money to go. You should tell him to not go and schedule trip with you if he wants to go. If he refuses just break up with him. If it's too late just leave him. He clearly has his priorities and it's not you.
No?? Because that’s FUCKING WEIRD!!! If you’re having people secretly ask people things like that, that’s WEIRD!!! I’m weird because of a haircut?? Like do you hear yourself? I’m sorry you’re incapable of being friends with people without wanting to fuck them but that’s a personal problem homie
I hate to pry, but have you considered counseling together and apart? I think it's necessary for going forward. Might need a lawyer if you split up, need to divide up the ball and bone collections.
“breaking up”
You absolutely need to give them space, they broke up with you, the relationship is over.
So in your own interest, stop keeping tabs on them so you can start the process of healing and moving on.
I didn't liken it to being nonbinary? Literally ever. I have no idea where you got that from. And my opinions aren't changing. I said people can identify as a furry by participating in a community with other people who like to pretend to be animals. I play D&D. That's my hobby. I am a D&D player. That is an identity. Those things aren't mutually exclusive ideas. Also, it's okay to find hobbies ridiculous. I don't think you're a bad person for finding some hobbies ridiculous. The entire purpose of my original comment is to give OP relationship advice. OP hurt the feelings of their friend, and is looking for advice. If you think a person's hobby is silly that's fine, just don't be surprised when they don't want to be friends with you.
I feel like you're right about taking the time to actually work through this myself. Thanks. I've actually set up a few consultations with several therapists to find the right fit. Working through this will be #1 priority.
Yeah, it could be that we have different communication styles and needs. Or like some other comments, maybe he just doesn't know how to react and I probably should know better since we've been dating for 3 years. Cus I'm under stress, I might be jumping to conclusions and assuming he doesn't care when actually we need to communicate what our needs are. Thank you for sharing your experience
Unless all these people think they are special snowflakes that wont fall into the usual pitfalls we read here day to day.
THIS. ^
Everybody thinks “It'll be different with me and my SO!”
Spoiler Alert: They're NOT.
Not much else you can do. Why do you guys do this, why even text the EX they are an EX for a reason. If you are going to cheat at least go for somebody new and a step up.
Ha I love this!
Nah. Doesn’t matter WHAT someone says to you, you don’t hit your partner.
He committed a crime. She didn’t. End of the story ??♀️
I think you are going to have to actually be sharing the same state and space as this man before the gravity of what you have done really hits you. Maybe you will be the exception, but 99% of the time it turns out that the grass is not greener.
It’s late, I’m tired but thank fuck there was an internet pedant here to correct my error. You must be so clever IRL.
I emotionally cheated for 1 week before I said I want a divorce. I get that even a second is bad, but come on.
Just say it has become clear to you that the two of you are not compatible. Or You just wanted to let her know that you feel it is time to move on and you didn’t want to ghost her so take care.
6 months is the honeymoon period. Basically no big issues should be present if there’s a good foundation. All this guy is is one big issue. Block him cuz I doubt he’ll take the breakup gracefully
I have lol it was a mistake tho because then I got hacked 🙁
Well, to be honest, I don't think your age gap is cause for terminating whatever budding relationship this is. You're both grown-ups, he seems to treat you kindly. Of course, eight years is a lot when you're 22, but that doesn't mean that every guy in your own age group will have your best ibnterests at heart or will be a better fit.
Yes, this could go sideways in many ways, and at 30 and 22 you're quite possibly in very different stages in your lives and careers, but so what? Every relationship has the potential of going wrong. You can't live in a bubble and minimize all risk when it comes to love. Sure, he could be unable to from a relationship with someone more age-appropriate, but we don't know that. You seem to give him the benefit of the doubt, and all the people here (your mom included) who seem to imply that your judgement can't be trusted, are basically declaring that you're incapable of making sound choices. You're 22, not 17. None of us know you, but I'd give you the benefit of the doubt. If your mom doesn't, ask her what she thinks she did wrong that her daughter is incapable of taking care of herself?
It might turn out to have been a bad choice, and it might not, but I don't see any reason from your post why you shouldn't get to know someone you like. Sometimes, you have to be allowed to make your own mistakes.
How are we supposed to learn if we are constantly leting ourselves be shielded from exposure to bad experiences? Experience, after all, is the name we give our mistakes after they happen.
My point is, you don't seem to be in immediate danger, the guy hasn't done anything to alarm you. Be careful, don't let yourself be dragged into something you don't want to, but otherwise trust your instincts.
Either you believe he is lying to you and he did it on purpose or you believe it was an accident.
If you believe he was lying then you should end it. If you believe it was an accident then stop having unprotected sex with him while he is drunk.
I agree with everyone about the red flag of the age gap, but I know sometimes these things happen and work out.
Here's the thing – if you were both drunk then you both made multiple mistakes to get into that situation.
1) You both didn't choose to wear a condom. Pullout is not birth control – pregnancy can result from any PIV action.
2) You both didn't choose to avoid drunken sex without protection.
3) You both didn't choose to do other sexual acts that don't involve PIV sex.
If he has never done something like this before and he seems genuinely apologetic then I think you can forgive him, but make a plan for how to deal with drunken sex in the future and birth control in the future to ensure that you aren't relying on a drunk man to pull out.
If you feel violated then talk to a therapist about it and determine if there are other red flags you might be ignoring.
Overall though I think it's a bad idea to have drunken sex with someone you don't trust, so you need to decide if you trust him.
Yikes yall are fragile! ???
OK when is the last time that you saw him?
Also, how is your life going otherwise? Are you fulfilled in your career and your friendships? Are you feeling lonesome?
Wow. She went over the top. How would she feel if you said, “ WOW you were super fine back then…”. ?
If you care about her though you need to talk it out. Being obese doesn’t entitle the shallow treatment, any more than ugly/age shaming her. She was gauche and rude. Stick up for yourself.
This ^ and he needs them before he moves in
So he thinks that he is buying your services, whether you agree or not?
You can do better than this whiny loser.
OK good so I'm not the only one whose genuinely shocked
Because he doesn't need that drawer space, or wherever it is, and hasn't bothered to toss it?
There's a hairdryer here from some woman from before I met my husband. I'm just like …cool, free hair dryer. His past isn't my business and I'm the one here now, so who cares?
But does it even matter when it doesn't even sound like you'll stay?
All of these concern a right to privacy, defenation, or commercial use of the uploaded content. Basically, from the first link, “invasion of privacy, violation of right of publicity, or defamation” You can sue for anything. Just because people have sued for their video being used without consent is not evidence that you cannot post peoples videos without their consent.
video taken in a public area where there is no expectation of privacy that is used for non-commercial purposes is protected by the first amendment. Full stop. Uploading it is also protected by the first amendment. All your links explain that it is legal to upload videos of people as long as it is not a video of a. Private things in a private setting b. Copyright infringment or c. Used commercially
I’m not expecting him to regulate my emotions, I just didn’t want to leave a conflict unresolved as it is on my mind. I give him lots of space, acceptance and try my best to communicate, however there’s only so much I can do (To add context I work fulltime while he sleeps during of the day and plays videogames at night so there’s not alot of opportunities to talk about these things). We might not be compatible but that’s a different conversation to be had, for now I will do my best to not escalate things.
Is that the same guy who objects to you buying a mop, and wants to get rid of the dishwasher? Girl. GIRL. In the eternal words of Dan Savage: DTMFA (dump the mf already).
When it’s time for divorce you just know. It’s like a light bulb going off. Now comes the strategy of a divorce. With a child involved you will want it as smooth as possible. Make an appointment with family or a girlfriend but actually go consult a divorce attorney. Find out what the next steps are and the smartest way to leave. Make sure the baby is somewhere safe when you tell him. Don’t be accusing or blaming.
Sorry OP, I know it’s tough. We all want our little families to work and sometimes they just don’t.
Wow, your relationship is obviously done for. Idk why you’re still there. You deserve a man that has more polar bear like traits.
Huh? Why do you care?
The tough thing with situations like this is that you clearly want to be the bigger person and not rock the boat. There's a desire to push through the struggles and annoyances to hopefully get back to the better parts of your friendship.
However, if these kinds of situations are becoming disruptive and actively making you uncomfortable with the person, I'd say you either need to lessen the amount of time spent with them or attempt to reiterate your boundaries. Your friend sounds fairly headstrong and may appreciate you laying down the law…or she may completely blow up and throw the friendship away.
Whichever happens, you'll be in a better situation than you are now. Either you are able to establish a new (and better) form of your friendship or you lose someone that was too much trouble. Its a tough call but doing something like this will save you a lot of stress in the future.
Ugh it’s hard hearing this but it has merit. What is messed up is that her mom has a ton in savings 700k or so. She also has a small inheritance. I told her my financial goals and she was obstinate about them.
Could be made up, or could be OP changing ages around in either post (or both) to conceal her identity.
Do you mean on a date? Or just to hang out because we hang out pretty often I just don’t want to do a date with intentions of dating because I’m not 100% sure how she feels.
Are you being sarcastic?
I'm sure the world will improve when you croak. ?
I'm sure the world will improve when you croak. ?
I'm sure the world will improve when you croak. ?
I’m a woman…. And I’m telling you, you’re her cash cow! Cut your losses. Tell her you still expect the money back and you’ll take her to court (just a tactic) but explain WHY you’re out!
It does not because he has kept it, and I'm guessing added to it.
Move on. That's what you do. She's acting like a child.
This right here. Especially since she WILL get pregnant.
It is because I was the only one with any credit score at the time. We were both really young.
Agreed. I’m going to talk to him today about separating accounts. I have my parents I can live at.
Have you tried telling him this? Maybe he just feels like he doesn't want to be an emotional burden to you now that he has another outlet.
You're not a “weak man”. Get that out of your head. Imo, those of us who face anxiety are actually stronger because we live with a little devil in our heads that know all our most intimate thoughts and feelings and use them against us on a full time basis. People that don't experience severe anxiety have no idea how hard it is to live with
Have u tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy?
Sertraline? (Zoloft)
Sertraline is excellent for anxiety
Benzodiazepines like clonazepam are band aid quick fixes that make things worse in the long run
Alternatively, a company called Field Trip offers ketamine infusion in therapy to help rewire your negative thought patterns.
I'm in Ontario and have been treated for depression and anxiety for decades both with meds and psychotherapy so please Dm me if you want to talk
If you can't be adult enough to tell him you're pregnant then you are not adult enough to be a single mom. Life is going to be hard! Telling him your pregnant will be the easiest thing you do in this new journey.
One never has enough caring dads, right?
OP: take it as a flower. And live up to it.
Don't address this with anyone. It may just have been a slip of the tongue.
Well, a DoorDash order sure as fuck doesn’t give you the right to break into his house.
Are you claiming that masterbating is disrespecting your partner?
None of us are.
So she led you on for 6 months knowing she had doubts and didn't love you and wanted to try dating/sleeping with women? And before voicing this kept going out high and not answering texts? Are you sure she wasn't already exploring her bisexuality before telling you about it?
I don't see how this could be anything but a toxic friendship considering what she did and said to you and you still have feelings for her (?). You don't break up with someone like that if you want to be friends. I'd block her and move on because you deserve the honesty you value, OP.
A recovering alcoholic should be in recovery for longer than a month before dating.?
He needs to get his life in order. His health. His drinking. His money..
He shouldn't be dating right now.
And you shouldn't be dating him. Shouldn't have even started. Your expectations are reasonable.
But a persona battling addiction needs to work on one thing at a time. His music is likely keeping him sane and happy since he quit drinking.
Even if it doesn't pay the bills, for right now, he needs to keep some sort of stability. That's what he needs to do for HIS life..
I think you should end the relationship. For his sake and yours.
I think some of the problem in general has been fear of being called “controlling” and “abusive”. Which is why many are hesitant to say “no” to something their partner wants for fear of being labeled controlling. Lets be honest, there are many who will throw that at their partner “Don't go” “You're being controlling!”.
Kayla is very religious which is what confuses me a bit. I do wanna have a family with her but I’m afraid she would cheat on me too w someone else
Is it possible that she has expected, after you sold a house, moved, gave up a pet, and then helped her family out substantially with money, that you were never going to make an issue about money, and that she maybe thought that, in marrying you, she was going to be able to expect you to start paying for everything? And now that you’re showing a concern about wastefulness she’s backtracking on the things you agreed upon regarding your marriage because she thinks you’re going to be stingier than she expected? Or that she’s trying to use the things you want in a marriage as a bargaining tool to get her way?
I’m not saying this is what’s happening, because I don’t know – but I’m curious if it’s a possibility.
Oh my. You are absolutely right. You are too young to become a caregiver for your girlfriend. I understand not wanting to hurt her. Wouldn’t it be worse if you waited a year? More painful? I think you break up now. This isn’t sustainable. You aren’t a terrible person. I think you have to break up now. It’s going to be painful for her but waiting a year would be dishonest and more painful. I’m so sorry this is happening to both of you.
lmao, no, because i see other victims of abuse get downvoted and ridiculed on this sub when most the people ridiculing have never been through this shit
You’re 22. You learn and grow. This is your lesson for your next relationship – be sure to absolutely know everything about the person you want to be with within the first month or two so no big surprises show up years later.
Probably did more than kiss aswell.. more than likely peeled his foreskin back to boot.
You’re husband’s kind of a dick for making your trauma about him.
First, congratulations! Secondly, I feel 100% the way you do about gifts, holidays, huge events with people, getting attention, so I get it. Props for being willing to compromise and please family to make everyone happy and just get through it so you can get on with the good part! Sounds like you're doing great. Even your fiance has agreed on some of the conditions you put on the wedding and met you halfway. Wonderful! Here's the thing- what you wanted to write in the invitation, did sound a bit weird, and gives high horse vibes to all the invitees. Honestly you're probably not going to be able to completely avoid birthdays and other gift giving celebrations for the rest of your life anyway. It may be best if you just try to turn a blind eye to the gift situation and not worry about it. Your friends know how you feel. People will only gift what they can afford. Your close friends you can speak to personally anyway. You don't have to change your view or your values. You can just let the guests do whatever they feel and not worry about it. Just be sure to send thank you cards, even if you didn't want presents to begin with. Best of luck.