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Date: November 4, 2022
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Older brother lives at home currently so would always be there when I visit.
I don't think my mum wants me to 'take on some of the abuse' I think it's just upsetting to her (and rightfully so) that her kids don't get along, and probably the real issue of her kids just being so unhappy. I don't think she is trying to guilt me (or not intentionally atleast) I think she just feels powerless because she knows she can't do anything to change the situation even though she desperately wants to
You don't have to go to the hospital for a pregnancy test. CVS is fine.
You either trust your girlfriend or you don't. But i think you should discuss it with her, because one of you is horrible.
Okay good. In that case I'd ask your therapist about this so you can get to the root of why you're so afraid of leaving.
I’m trying but her only answer is to stop working out with her.
I googled it and it didn't sound like that to me. I am not avoiding or withdrawing in conversations about our problems, I'm an active part of it until the last minute, even when he yells I am actively talking to him and responding. It is when he suddenly for example put his fist down rapidly I withdraw, because I get scared.
How was he supposed to tell you he can’t handle taking care of you anymore when you weren’t taking care of yourself? By your own admission he was taking care of you and everything for a solid three years. That’s exhausting, being a caregiver is exhausting. You need to realize how hard it was for him to come to this decision. It wasn’t a slit second decision . And whether you see it as you weren’t gaslighting him or being manipulative you were . You both need therapy and this is probably the best thing for him.
It seems like he doesn't value what you bring to the relationship and your long term contributions. You have to make a decision that may seem difficult but cheating does bode well for any relationship. I'm wondering if this is a ploy to bring cheating back to the forefront and making the relationship open . Just be you and don't compromise on who you are. Hugs from Arizona
She did say they work in a corporate office or something right? Maybe he didn’t want to risk his job over a ‘gamble’
I appreciate you saying that. I really don't want to be the kind of person who lashes out like that though. I'm open to all views and advice here though
Abuse is never okay. Make a break. I'm not excusing her spitting in your face, she's gonna have to deal with that process on her own, but you need to introspect about why your first “unconscious” reaction is to slap her.
You might feel this was not your fault, given what she did, but you need to correct this behavior in case that ever becomes your first “unconscious” reaction to any offensive, physical or otherwise. If you tell yourself it's a one time thing and you'll never do it again, remember that you said it was a reaction you didn't control. I promise you it will only help you as a human.
The first time I knew that feature existed was when someone was like “what are you doing in x?” lol
Get a hobby.
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No, I've always asked when I first started dating someone. Like, I want to give you an orgasm, if you didn't get there let's work on it. I enjoy giving my partners pleasure and I want to help you achieve that. Not really related to insecurities, more trying to be mindful of partners pleasure.
I don't want to. But if things get worse, I think so, because at this point we are just hurting each other. Maybe I'm too anxious of a person for a relationship right now. And we just aren't communicating where we understand each other. It's frustrating.
I innately gain satisfaction by knowing other people are experiencing physical pleasure, and innately am displeasured if other people feel physical pain. I expect the same from my lovers. Do you? Should you?
Yes, the relationship should end
If that’s true then maybe she’s off the hook and should walk away. She’s 39 and doesn’t suggest anything like that in her story. In fact, she gives no explanation for why they need hotels in their home town. What makes you think she lives with her parents?
You have a very controlling partner and have developed this as a coping mechanism. I would highly recommend you break up, just because she is triggered or reacting to something doesn’t automatically mean you did something wrong.
I think the father of her children is OP, he calls the younger 3 “our own kids”
Well partnership is also about supporting your partner when they need it. Maybe few years later her partner will need support, that’s how relationships work. Sometimes you give, sometimes you take. She obviously cannot count on him, that’s not a partner.
Are you sure he’s not throwing these tantrums and stomping out to avoid listening to your issues?
He is attempting to use sex as a coping tool (dopamine & oxytocin are real rewards) AND being manipulative as fuck about it. Perhaps not in a malicious, thought out way, but not all manipulation is conscious.
You should never feel obligated to put out.
It sucks that your work schedules don't allow for much togetherness but you absolutely deserve to have some social life outside of work & him, so he needs to find some other way of dealing with you seeing your friends from time to time than coming unglued. It's not healthy to be totally dependent on one another in that way.
Video is very different than spending time with each other, face to face. How often do you see this guy in person?
He’s mad that she’s no longer “his”. Maybe he does have feelings, but it definitely seems like he’s treating her like his possession. That’s a pretty gross way to look at another person.
I get that you just wanted to “hit it”, but you’re also just treating her like a hole and not a person. Do you actually care about her because it doesn’t seem like it.
I don't see any other choices here other than the two she has presented you with. You either need to respect her wishes and wait until marriage, or you need to let her go and move on to someone else who shares your views on sex before marriage.
Yes. I mean, I get how that sounds weird now that I was called out for it, but I just didn't think about it before.
Someone thinks they don't live in a glass house.
Yikes.
Ha! That’s funny. He’s an idiot.
Ngl sounds fake to me too…
You can’t make someone change. This is who he is. You either accept it or move on
Ask for your wife’s forgiveness and leave bisexual women alone.
There is nothing hotter than a woman telling you what she wants in bed. Guide him
We like to say, “she's guano,” in mixed company though.
@OP this pattern of her exaggerated responses indicates she does not have as much control in her life as she thinks she should. This indicates less polarity in your masculine to her feminine.
In my experience (and certainly backed up by one of my favorite books, “The Way of the Superior Man” by David Daeda) you've probably given in to her a few too many times so she expects you to have no boundaries.
Had she communicated this was an emergency and not just a request, might you have responsibilities dedicated differently?
You're not sleeping with her brother. Hopefully she isn't either. Her brother getting to work is HIS OWN responsibility. And you'd be a better 'brother-not-quite-in-law” to mentor him and get him to take responsibility himself. Since it's BOTH of them depending on you, perhaps you're either a pushover or their whole family is a mess.
What do you want in your life? Champions to share your quests with or NPC Followers?
Please make that decision for him and leave. Especially after saying his family already voted for you. What now? You jump through hoops in hopes he discovers something in you he finds valuable enough to “pick you” over his crush for
He’s still in love with her and that’s kind of all you need to know here
Also not an option lol. My mom lives 3 hours away, and my dad well that's a little complicated. I have a friend that is also a coworker, said I could come stay there. Just trying to see if there's any options closer to work, our schedules are not always the same, no vehicle atm, its you know whos. Lots of obstacles to get through ?♀️
“Flat ass” ??? so good!
But yea seriously, this is old fashioned cheating and not “you must let me do this because it’s what I want and I want absolutely no repercussions from violating our relationship.” And the fact that she slept with him once (that she admitted to) and took a YEAR to tell you. Have you gotten checked for STDs?
Idk why they’re downvoting you when you’re right. Nobody should profit off of a basic human right lol
Move out. That's how you deal with it. If you agree, what's going to be next? Don't open that door.
So you still giving nonsense answers?
Why not just realise you have no leverage, minimal mental stability and be grateful he is still with you.
Don't ask questions you don't want answers for.
Moove away
He also didn’t have a wife…. Until he did.
He’s also confused. He thinks it may be an accident but he is calling his brother tomorrow to see what’s going on.
You guys are in your mid 30s….
That's true – but also remember that it takes a very special kind of person to enjoy techno or rave concerts. Wild horses couldn't drag me to one, and I am a social butterfly. I'd really just let that be his thing, and acknowledge that mindless beats you can only enjoy when high are not your thing. Don't take offense at how he put it – but he was right, when you and your friends want to get stoned and have fun, having to watch out for your partner, who stays sober, doesn't get into the music and the moment, and sends off uncomfortable/ disapproving/ “is it over? Can we go home?” vibes would put a damper on it.
It's like when you watch a really silly comedy you love with your SO and they don't get the humor at all, and think it's childish and stupid – suddenly you can't really laugh at it any more, either, and they sort of spoil it for you, too. Just let everyone enjoy their own thing – as long as you have enough stuff you can enjoy together, you should be good.
No, stand up get a lawyer and tell her to fuck off and that she can explore herself as a single women.
Red flags — burning — everywhere.
I would politely walk. This is not how someone you can build your life around and with should ever behave.
I do go to events without my wife… because she physically can't go. Ever since I met her, I have never gone to an event where she wasn't welcome. I wouldn't associate with someone who disinvited her. I checked… you have been dating for 3 years. I'd tell your bf he needs to explain why:
1) You weren't invited
2) he went anyway
3) they didn't realize the error and say, “There is room, please come
4) you wonder what is the extent of his relationship with the girl that invited him.
5) if he plans on making amends or if you need to upgrade to a smarter more loyal boyfriend.
ouch, but im considering that as one of the posibilities
Hey, glad to help. Hope everything works out for you guys
Exactly. She’s still the same girl she was before he knew.
Sorry buddy for what you went through. Sure wish you luck on your next.
Semper Fi
Viagra?
It sounds to me, from one simple read through of what you've written here, that your partner has lots of issues from her past relationship and is taking them out on you, and that you are bending over backwards for her and it's not enough, and speaking as someone who has had a relationship like this, from my own experience, nothing will ever be enough and it's just not healthy.
Truthfully if you went to counselling and the impartial state of the matter is as you've described it here, any sane counsellor would ask your partner about issues given how she controls your personal life, snoops through your phone at every opportunity, demands you have no privacy, and so on.
I don't like to advocate ending relationships in general, especially for cases I don't know personally, unless there is a clear case of someone cheating, but I would think that for this relationship to work that some massive changes of personality need to happen, and not really on your part.
There are other options like maybe having a surrogate or as you said IVF. Maybe those couples that she knew didn't have those options before or couldn't afford them.
It would be selfish to try to make things work with her just because you don’t want her to be sad.
‘Doing it for her sake’ isn’t a selfless act. It’s one based in ego. The desire to be a ‘good’ person in her eyes. This need for moral approval might be linked to your depression – which I hope you seek help for. But please don’t make it the key reason for the break up in your talks with her.
The reason you’ve mentioned is you don’t want to be with one person for the rest of your life. Be honest about that part of it.
Your “EDIT 2”: The comment notifications should be obvious. Don't partake in them.
As for your boyfriend, UGH, we guys are incomprehensible doofuses at times. Seriously.
Here's an example from a real-life situation with a female friend and her very quickly ex'd boyfriend.
Girl: “What attracted you to me?”
Fucking idiot: “Oh your mind, and your looks, you're very pretty. I mean, you're not gorgeous, but…”
Girl: “…..hold on!”
Sorry
It's easier to fix the weight when you can sort the problem that caused it. The problems preceded the weight.
Jesus Christ. He's married. Grow up
Valid question