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First off, let me state that your husband telling you to move on isn't fair to you. Trust takes times to rebuild but easy to break. The fact that you took him back means that he should know that taking him back means you havent forgotten and if he wants to make it work, he should guide you and calm those triggering moments you have.
I also suggest couples therapy because if you are still bothered by it, there is reason behind it. There's nothing wrong in how you feel and you don't need to rush no matter how long it takes trying to get over someone else's infidelity.
my dad has worked in and around tech and DoD for 40yrs. a lot of his career has been trying to avoid moving up for no reason besides money and doing a job he hates. he also has worked closer and further apart from DoD and he prefers further. he doesn't mind needing a security clearance for a commercial company, but he doesn't want a higher one and he doesn't want to work directly with DoD.
this has always made perfect sense to me.
it's also made sense to me that he couldn't always talk about all aspects of different jobs. she says her husband “won't” tell her what the project was and it seems far more likely the answer is “can't.”
i wonder if this is the first person she's really known with these sorts of mental calculations and ethical/legal boundaries
She even has these panic attacks publicly which just attracts attention. We do live together.
This sounds incredibly challenging. She’s a widow but you lost your dad too. And you have a husband you’d like to spend time with. I think you’re going to have to think out what your willing to give her- 1 weeknight dinner/wk, a phone call every Saturday etc and tell her that is it. You will not spend more time with her than that, she doesn’t get to go everywhere with you. Otherwise this will harden into a habit and you’ll never be able to do stuff alone. You need to look out for yourself and your relationship. Suggest grief counseling, book clubs, a senior center or find groups that do her hobbies. You can’t let her make you her life, that too much responsibility to put on anyone. Go ahead and schedule your honeymoon and let her know she’s not invited. Good luck
Good news is you found out now and can get away from here before you get even closer
Your coworker is insane. You saw a student in distress and made sure he wasn't approached by strangers, contacted his parents to let them know his location and made sure he got on a train home. You were in a public space the entire time.
Better to stay with him than to be the last person to see him alive because you were afraid of potential rumors.
Ya I hate communicating this way lol. I would much prefer to just ask for the information.
You’re a toxic and poorly educated person. A meltdown is not a temper tantrum. My emotions have been so strictly regulated I have never been allowed to express them openly without judgment or criticism, much like you are doing.
Empathy is for everyone, not just people you like.
You are a bad person.
I am a good person who is kind and empathetic and understanding and constantly accommodating to everyone around me, who listens and offers gentleness when others are hurt, who gives without expecting anything in return. I deserve love and happiness. I deserve to be treated with respect.
But you don’t. I hate people like you the most. If you don’t have anything nice or helpful, then don’t say anything at all.
You need therapy too. Maybe to fix your narcissism and entitlement.
I work full time as a teacher. My husband is a stay at home father, part time bartender on weekends. I spend all weekend with my daughter, we have family gatherings etc. This occasion with my friend was the first time I'd had an opportunity to relax with a friend in months. I'm going to talk to him tonight. I hate what I did and I feel like a dickhead, but I take care of my family, no matter what.
No, screw him.
Exactly. You cannot change anyone. Your power is in removing yourself or dealing with it.
This will get buried, but just wanted to give a little perspective here.
Mixed families are tough. Even when you think you've gotten past all the hard parts, that all of the love is equal, things can happen with the strongest bonds that pick at the cracks.
Money brings about weird feelings and behaviors in people. People who are loving and caring will sometimes have those feelings cast aside by money, sometimes for greedy reasons, sometimes for awkward reasons. Money and inheritance is almost always messy.
Let's also note here that your wife's father passed away. Greif is also often messy, complicated, and unpredictable, and beings about awkward and out of the norm emotional responses in people.
Put these three things together, and you are going to see moments like the one you are going through. Sometimes these moments and reactions are just knee-jerk reactions to the awkwardness of money (as well as your wife's grief around the passing of her father). Sometimes people have a bad reaction in the complexity of the moment, and just need to be tipped off that in their hard moments, they may have inadvertently acted in a way that was hurtful.
Yes, it's her decision. And yes, your hurt is valid. My suggestion here isn't about pushing for an equal split or not. It's about going to your wife to follow up on the conversation to talk about how it left you feeling. Cut out the irritation part of it, and get straight to how hurt it left you, and that you fear that the 13F could be very hurt by this. 13 year olds aren't going to process this being about bloodlines, they will only see it as your wife loves the other two kids more than her. You should push for a solution that wouldn't hurt any of your kids, be that a common college fund, her just holding onto it or putting it towards something for the family as a whole, etc. I hope another conversation or two that focuses on the emotional implications of things can help clear her head to make the best decisions for everyone.
Lots of average guys have inflated egos as they get matches online too. So this self pitying needs to stop. I know lots of guy friends who don't take care of themselves, but will only match with a girl who looks like a model. Then they get pissed that they don't get matches.
Also, having decent chat comes into it too. So many people (all people) have lost the ability to communicate. Most girls i know have given up on looking for someone charming and would settle for simply, normal. That means being in that middle ground between those guys whose social skills don't extend past 'hey sexy' and the other extreme who just go straight to vile messages.
Girl, this is why they are pursuing a 21 year old. Because women their age see through this shit. They always have a choice. They are just too cowardly to break up, and too shitty to keep in their pants.
When do you see yourself getting married?
Thank you. Yes, definitely agree with the kids piece.
Red flag. He just admitted that he would possibly cheat.
This
Because I don’t want to think that he was a creepy at those parties or preying on women? Like how I supposed to know that he wasn’t that. You keep avoiding that when I mention it because I’m sure you don’t even know either
Yess! Not to mention she won't be able to get in the mood with the stench permeating her nose.
You have to ask your parents to smell you yet “don’t nobody gotta hold my hand”
Him staying with you, loving you, caring for you for two years is him choosing you. He could leave whenever he wants but chooses to stay with you.
I would tell her, “if you can get us a sponsored trip to Paris, I am all for it. Let me know when we are going!”
Clearly it is.
I think you can see your answer in the 2nd sentence you wrote: “But she always rejected me”.
Like others have said, she’s most likely stringing you along because otherwise you wouldn’t be in the position you are in rn. She’s in a comfortable place right now, with having a bf and a guy who would do anything she asks for if her bf doesn’t, so of course she’s gonna say what you want to hear for you to stay. It’s only gonna hurt you if you continue down this path, so if I were you, I’d cut all contact. It will allow for the feelings to die down and for you to take some time for yourself. Put yourself out there and maybe meet a nice girl who’ll actually treat you the way you should be.
“that may be fast for some people but it feels natural in our relationship” oh and we live in different countries…
Riiiiiiiight. You think all those other people that got married quickly didn't think they were doing the right thing as well?
Omg honey your husband is so unreasonable here! He’s upset at you being 75kg??? I assumed you’d be over 100kg.. he doesn’t care about your health but how he wants you to look. Leave.
That Herpes, he's always been kind of a dick if you ask me
How old are y’all?
You mean 'phrase it'? I think he means Tiger Mom. It isn't a racist thing at all. It's an accurate description of how some moms drive their kids relentlessly to the point of nervous breakdowns. That their avatar is a Chinese woman, I find, particularly appropriate.
Where I live has one of the top rated school districts in the nation and it is full of Tiger Moms, but they aren't all necessarily Chinese. They are all Dutch Taskmasters when it comes to forcing their kids to act like automatons
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3 options.
Keep leaving mints etc around the place, and ever so often throw one at him.
Stop giving him affection (kissing etc) if he hasn’t brushed his teeth
Actually sit down and talk to him. Tell him that his breath smells, and it is off putting.
He should probably see a dentist, as while regular brushing of teeth and gums and tongue along with flossing and rinsing will keep your mouth clean and fresh, a lot of the time consistently having bad breath is caused by a dental problem that he may not even know he has.
Only he can tell you why he does what he does. This absolutely is not acceptable behavior so approach him honestly, you can be Empathetic while standing firm that he needs to face the root issue of why he does it. You know him better than Redditors, so if you believe his intentions aren’t negative then give a chance to face reality and do whatever it takes to change this behavior cause you can’t build a life with someone who will never be there for you or possibly your child when needed. If he refuses to acknowledge or gaslights you about it then you have a choice to make if you are willing to live with that behavior never changing or walk away.
He will propose to you on New Year's Eve
He’s not worried about her, he wants her to look different.
I dunno about the friendship. Seems like you’re not happy with him right now. Also seems like he wasn’t being a good friend or entirely honest with you earlier.
But it’s really up to you (and him) whether or not the friendship ends or continues.
Tell him “NO”
Tell him “NO”
So I need to be single or make no male friends as of no?:(
I wasn't trying to excuse her behaviour but provide a possibly explanation OP could explore, as his post indicated he's not quite ready to leave the relationship and wanted to make one last attempt at getting her to be honest.
I think there’s some deflecting by OP’s husband. Maybe he’s cheated before and that’s why he’s so sure OP fucked around on him. I just don’t think a person’s actions in one relationship are necessarily indicative of how they behave in all relationships. (Honestly, we don’t even know the circumstances of her cheating. I know women who were SA’ed when they were drugged. Their partners didn’t believe them and accused them of cheating and lying about it. I’m not saying that’s what happened here, but I like to keep an open mind.)
But JFC, even if she did cheat, and she hasn’t done it since then, what fucking business is it of anyone else’s? People grow and change. Is no one allowed to have personal growth without confessing to what they used to do?
“I forgave him instantly and was just thankful it was me and not our daughter he took it out on”
This mentality is going to get you killed one day
My god this is exhausting. Are you a bad girlfriend? I don't know because this is all about YOUR EX. who you were perfectly fine to and is now YOUR EX.
You dated this ass for six months and only three of those were worth anything. His background and childhood is all very teary but has nothing to do with you.
What you do now is stop taking to him. Stop hanging out with him. Stop crying to him or about him. Just stop. Expect nothing from him, because so far that's what you've been getting.
I'm sure you are a lovely person OP, but you are 23 not 13. You have nothing to apologize for, especially to him.
Start taking care of you and figure out why this ass is still a thing for you emotionally.
Its her body and you have to respect her choices… i know that may be hard and thats something youre going to have to face head on…. but her “figure it out” is complete bullshit…
you guys need to have a sit down… a real talk. tell her that you think it'll damage your relationship and ask why suddenly she's just decided to do that to your relationship with you. things dont just happen over night… maybe she got hurt somehow? maybe youre into things that she isnt? hell maybe shes into things that she doesnt think you'll agree to and thats why she's choosing to stop? who knows… it can be a lot of things… but bottom line she needs to be truthful with you or this relationship will eventualy fall apart.
Believe it or not a healthy diet creates lots of gas. Lots of veggies and beans ( fiber) create gas. So the idea that a bad diet creates farts is a myth and assumption on your part.
hahaha a vacation would be nice! thanks for the kindness!!
No. Don’t get a boob job for anyone else besides yourself! You’re 22, I know you love him now, but please do not undergo a major body operation to please a man. It’s really not worth it
Ugh. Guys with this attitude only get worse, not better. Get out while you can.
Pretty sure I read his version the other day.
Good gift.
Youre allowed to have privacy from your parents
I dont really know what youre trying to say with that second part.
I asked her to end our relationship, because it made it harder for me to leave and because we don’t have any future!
Then you need to man up, and break it off, don't ask her to do it. Be verbal about it being over.
One month into living with us, my godmother’s son told me: “Why do psychologists make so much money? All they do is sit there. It’s all marketing and it’s a scam.” I was upset but I left and didn’t come out until the morning. He continued the conversation because he wondering why I left. He kept telling me the same thing and expanding on the “psychologists don’t do anything” idea to the point where I actually cried.
This is enough to say “I am not comfortable with the comments you are making. We have helped you, and you made unkind comments about my job to my face. I dread to this what you say about me behind my back.”
I like the suggestion of another commenter where you 'help them get on their feet' and start to withdraw the support that you've give. Don't give any more help.
If they complain, say that you were happy to help when they were in dire need. But now they should be rebuilding their lives. There are previous generations of Ukrainians that immigrated to Canada in the 60s and 70s, there is a strong support network etc.
Thanks i gotta hear that my morning is been dificult ill be there for her and ive left her to know that . She didnt block me or anything so i hope all will blow over
She can’t just put the child up for adoption when there is actually a parent willing to care for it. She needs to be held accountable and actively support the child at least financially.
Are they not gender separated?
Don't expect her to be there when you get back.
Just another lesson in “discuss what you’d do in case of an unplanned pregnancy BEFORE having sex”
They hadn't talked for a decade, they go to move in together, and then she pops up pregnant. If they were closer I might understand more. But they weren't close at all. Family is an obligated to do shit. Her body her choice, their lives, their choices.
Id break up tbh this was your lucky break id go on honey moon alone and enjoy the trip
There’s no way you got to 51 and are this dense
Please leave that poor girl alone, you are MARRIED to someone else
I do not ever mix work and my personal life. sharing anything about me personally to people I work with is not a priority and My wife is the most important thing in my life. You have done nothing wrong and its healthy to keep the two separated.
Keeping in contact with an ex is not a question of valuing a past relationship more than a current one. Many people become friends after a break up (especially if they were friends prior to their relationship), and it's even harder if both people belong to the same friend group. In fact, I would say that it is a red flag if someone isn't friends with any of their exes, that indicates that every relationship ended explosively and badly, which does not reflect well on the person in question.
What I would do is obviously not what what you're doing there dude. She's married. End of story. Are you sure one of you weren't lazy whilst walking on a carpet and that's where the 'energy' came from? Good grief there. Put the pony back in their stall.
I can appreciate that you're trying to convince yourself that you gave her your number for 'professional' purposes, but that dog ain't going to hunt since you're bordering on (if not already knee deep in) having an emotional affair with a married women. I stay away from people who are in exclusive and / or monogamous relationships. You, obviously don't. What draws you to a fuckable woman who is in a committed relationship? Her sad story about how she has a crap marriage? Then why is she still in said marriage? Why hasn't she introduced you to her husband so he knows she's a shit cheater since her marriage doesn't matter to her anyway?
You might want to try a different sub to get your 'attaboys' and your 'she's the married one, you're not doing anything wrong's. You know what you should have done a long time ago. You chose not to. Billions of people on the planet. My advice is to tell her to lose your number, stop being a shit person, and for yourself? Be a better person.
Do you also write ''sweetie'' under the threads involving men?
Men also deserve kindness & empathy 😉
That or something is mentally challenging him. Doesn’t sound like it’s his choice
Thank you for your advice! I don't really have anyone to talk to about these sort of things.
Your culture views it that way to preserve a man's ability to do what he wants without consequences. If your family will take you back go there and stay there. This man will keep doing this to you and any children you have.
If you were broken up at the time, what happened is none of his business beyond what you WANT to be his business. If that was where this stopped he would already be out of line.
The fact that this other man raped you and your bf is calling it cheating because you struggled to talk about what happened is violently inappropriate. His comments about how he will not support you are unacceptable.
At no point does what you describe qualify as cheating (and I say this as someone who does largely believe that the people in the relationship define cheating, not people outside of it) and everything he has done sounds like something you should never have to tolerate.
I'm seconding your psychologist. You deserve better than what your bf is willing to offer you.
Scammers don't care. They're usually from countries that make even the brokest Americans look wealthy.
It's a well known scam. Hell, I once got an email to my work email address saying they saw me “fapping” during work hours and they have a video and they'll release it if I don't pay X amount of money.
Mind you, I'm a woman, so I don't “fap”. If I did, not in the office since I WFH. Also I do not watch porn and if I did, it would be on my big-ass TV and not in front of my computer.
The only “wrong” thing I'm doing during work hours is crusing Reddit when I have downtime.
Can you imagine taking a rock to the face for someone, while pregnant with their kid, and then having them turn around and say “oh yea im not attracted to you because your scar reminds me of how you saved my ass” The audacity. What a dick, through and through. You dont deserve her.
She goes to the clubs without you but she doesn't like it when you want time to do what YOU want to do… because she thinks you are going to ignore her?!
I don't know whether to laugh or cry, Op.
Imma take a guess, Op. When she's out and about going to clubs, isn't she ignoring you? I mean, if she isn't on the phone talking to you, sending you texts every 5-8 minutes, isn't she ignoring you?
She has some gall, Op.
Rules for thee but not for me, is what I'm hearing her tell you.
Tell her to get over it, you are going to do stuff you like to do when you want and if she doesn't like it she can stop going out to clubs because YOU don't want her to ignore you.
Ngl sounds fake to me too…
Thank you for commenting I really appreciate the advice you left,
You can’t make someone change. This is who he is. You either accept it or move on
I see you have cancelled by now, but I need to say this for when you're in doubt again: actions (or inactions) tell you what you need to know, not words!
I feel like I've already read this today…
I don't understand how you're getting any advice other than to leave him
Throw the girlfriend away. Giving an ultimatum between herself and your sister is scummy as fuck
Just because you don't have the title yet doesn't mean you're not going to. I've been having sex with my husband for over 20 years and our best / hottest keeps changing. I mean it's good to have goals dude lol.
To put it simply, end things with him.
Cheating should never be swept away, because not only is it a sign that the cheater doesn't love or respect who they cheated on anymore, but it's also a harbinger of things to come. This won't be the only time he does this, OP. Most cheaters don't cheat only once, and there's no guarantee that he didn't do something before the instance you found out about. And when it comes to the future, what other things is he going to use against you as an excuse for his cheating? I doubt you want that hanging over your head every day going forward.
Begin the process of untangling yourself from him in terms of finances and property. If you can, find someplace else to stay (friends, family, hotel room if you can afford it, etc.), that way you can have some peace to think things through more clearly on your own, without him trying to talk to you or potentially downplay what he did. It won't be easy, and it'll hurt like crazy at times emotionally, but once it's done and you've removed him from your life completely, you'll be able to start really healing from his betrayal.
Good luck, OP.
End it, life's too short for this shit.
“Flat ass” ??? so good!
But yea seriously, this is old fashioned cheating and not “you must let me do this because it’s what I want and I want absolutely no repercussions from violating our relationship.” And the fact that she slept with him once (that she admitted to) and took a YEAR to tell you. Have you gotten checked for STDs?
You're right
If they trespass on the property again, call the cops and get everything recorded especially if the bat shit mother comes back over. Record any interaction. Just to be safe.
Blow it up. They both need consequences for their disgusting choices.
Tell your mom and tell everyone. She deserves to know who her partner really is.
because by your own account you could tell your boyfriend was tired and drunk yet you’re still pretending like his sexual drive revolves around you.
just like you might decline sometimes because you’re not in the mood, so can he, and in neither cases is it anyone’s fault.
Well this understandably shows he has been the shitshow divorce is and wants to be careful and is making his intentions clear , he didn’t hide his divorce and told you everything honestly and bluntly , that’s a green flag in my books , why not go out with him , interact abit and then decide whether you want to take things foward or not ?
What are some of these comments telling you to leave him. He just said preferred it, he hasn't demanded that you do it, he just said that's his preferences and what's wrong with that? We all have preferences and as long as he isn't demanding you do it, I don't see the problem.
If you want to make him happy you can try some alternative methods as I certainly get the itchy part and discomfort, I got some new blades and razors to use and other products that help with that, so it isn't an issue for me anymore.
Was this the first time you’ve moved away from “home”?
I ask because I’ve moved 26 times within the US or abroad since college and the first move was the hardest.
I meet people via my hobbies and volunteer work. You’ve only been there 7 mos and I wonder how much effort you’ve put in to meeting people and making this place home.
It’s harder as an adult to make those connections. In school, you have kind of an automatic cohort. It’s not like that as an adult.
I’ve had to live in some places I didn’t exactly love but usually can find something to enjoy by playing “tourist” in my new town and reaching out and making friends. It’s work though. It doesn’t just happen organically.
I'd want to hear her version of events before making any judgement as it sounds like your word against hers, but I'd suggest you do back off on any more physical contact until you know where this is going in case you compound it. It's possible she was assaulted in the past and has conflicted feelings around this.
First, doesn't mean last.
I have tender memories of my first real BF, but I'm really glad I left him because otherwise I'd still be stuck living in the deadwater place I grew up in rather than the most beautiful city in the world.
He's made it clear what he wants and it doesn't align with what you want, so even if you have good times together, it's not going to work in the long run.
You'll get over it, and you'll find yourself a guy who loves being with a well-educated career woman. There are heaps of them, I promise.
The point of showing her the post is to show her that a little people think like I do when it comes to bills, it wasn't for relationship advice.
You both are wrong. He's a bit more concerning because he tried to lie about his response. There is no way you should be getting married yet. You don't understand or respect boundaries and he resorted to violence.
It won’t fall in your lap – you have to put in time and effort to build a social life.
Get out there!
He might block you for a couple hours when you fight so he doesn't send any messages he'll regret later or he might be the type of person that wants to disconnect when they're sorting out their emotions. You should have spoken to him to see why he's doing this.
Instead you ghosted for 3 days and what you thought was a test probably looked a lot like you breaking up with him in the least direct way possible.
Basically instead of communicating and sorting out differences you choose to play a shitty game.
Wait so you are forced to watch what they recommend you? Just don’t watch them. Or if it bothers you that much just stop using TikTok
Well tbf I don't know if he would want to start a family with someone who is so insecure that she invades his privacy like this.
You're letting your insecurity destroy this relationship. If I had a partner who did what you did I'd break up with them.
You should come clean to him. and if he is forgiving then maybe you can explain why you did it- but your explanation does not excuse your actions.
Sober up and you will unfortunately need to talk to her at same point. You need time to think with a level head.
This sucks and ya it likely destroyed your relationship but you have to stop destroying your body and use your friends to support you properly. They shouldn’t have let you drink this much.
Sorry for u bro
but it's his birthday not here she needs to lay off
it's not as nerve-racking as you think it is. Love and connection doesn't blossom overnight. When I first met my partner, I wanted nothing to do with him. He looked like a goofy ass guy and I did not want to interact with him, but I've been with him for seven years now. I would not change it for a thing. and I wouldn't choose anyone else over him. That is the love of my life, and I'm so glad it worked out the way I did. We've had rough patches, and it took a few years for the love to develop, but it did. That's how love works. It blossoms into something beautiful over time. You may have not been her first choice, but you were her final choice, and it sounds like she wouldn't pick anyone else over you now. she loves you man.
The love I have with my partner is like love you don't see much anymore. I've noticed though, real true love has become more common in the last few years, and it makes me happy.
I am going to make up a story about your post. It may or may not be true. But this is what I think after reading your post.
You fell in love because you allowed yourself to be venerable. You fell in love because you knew deep down inside of you it would not last. You fell in love because you opened up to a guy who refuses to be attached, but knows how to create attachments in others-you this time. Yes you have been manipulated. He's a master at that game. In showing affection and feigning love without attachment or becoming attached. It's a very, very old game. Read Les Liaisons dangereuses if you want to read a novel about this game. Or watch the movie. I recommend the novel for you though. You will get more from it.
He was not taking you on as a challenge, he was manipulating you because he could. As he would any other who is venerable. But his emotions were detached from his actions, otherwise he would not be able to leave you and be with others so easily. He has his “commitments” to others he is likely also playing games with. It's just a game. His emotions are not real, otherwise he would want to be with you. Everything else is just an excuse. I'm sorry.
But now you. Here is YOU in my story: I decided to have a NSA arrangement with a man to help me work through some fears and issues I had about sex that have made me anxious about dating.
You finally broke down barriers in yourself. Reread the second paragraph of my comment. Here's the point: You used him too. You used him to finally feel something that you could not feel before. And you used him knowing he would leave you and you would not have to be committed to him. Too many deal breakers. That's ok. What he did and what you did. That's all ok. You needed that. It was a kind of therapy for you. Well done. The question now for you is Now what? Now that you have begun to work through the fears and issues you had about sex and dating: now what? You have to answer that one.
Just don't be sad. And don't see him again unless you really feel strong enough to do so. Move forwards. I hope my story does not anger you. It may not be accurate, but it's what I thought reading your post. You decide. Best to you.
What a weird overreaction. That was a private conversation that you invaded, and your partner still clarified that he finds you attractive just dominantly in non physical ways. And that is insanely good news when you look at what old age does to a body. And in spite of you breaking his trust by snooping, he didn't even mention that and instead cried because of how hurt you must feel to read that.
I don't know what else to say.
Even 3 hours a day is not enough to warrant that sort of reaction lol.
I think she’s cool with it and wants you to talk to her about it.
Seriously, dude. It’s cool.
In this day and age it's so simple. Go public with this, he will lose job in an instant. If you do nothing then it will make him even more predatory. This kind of behaviour solidifies due to fear/cowardice of the victims.
If he has gone so far as sending you snapchat about it then in his mind it's already an acceptable behaviour.
Is there something you're trying to imply? Not being sarcastic or snarky. Please be direct. It's hard to read tone and intent just through text. Just say what you mean.
He does seem starved for affection and insecure. Definitely.
As others are saying, let her dig her hole, listen to her for 20 minutes, record her to have proof even. Then leave.
Oh boy. I have been here!
It's a horrible spiral of your partner asking you to be more confident/in charge/do things differently… and you being more and more unable to do so because feeling like it's a performance/test gets you totally out of your head and makes it impossible to feel aroused! I don't think men always fully grasp the extent to which women already feel the scrutiny of the “male gaze” during sex (e.g. instead of just enjoying ourselves we're thinking about how sexy we look/seem to the other person the entire time) and how this kind of commentary can make that worse to the point of being debilitating.
Honestly this was really challenging to navigate because my husband did *deserve to voice his desires and ask for them to be met*. But he was doing so in a way that came off as cold and critical and it impacted me in much the same way as you. To be honest it had long term impacts on our sex life that took a while for us to get over. I had to have a number of conversations with him (OUTSIDE the bedroom) to get him to understand how much that put me in my head, and then even after he changed his behavior/approach it took me a long time to stop feeling like I was under a microscope.
He had to learn to ask for what he wanted in a sexy, warm way (rather than expect me to read his mind and then critique me if I didn't deliver) and not punish me when things went south. He had to learn to approach sex a little more flexibly and with more levity. When one or both of us gets in our head and we lose momentum, we have to help each other through it by being generous and focused on the goal (both people connecting sexually) rather than just getting his own desires met. And in doing that he actually gets his desires met way more often.
My main advice is to be very honest with your partner and draw a line NOW to get you both working toward the goal — if he does things that feel cruel or hurtful (even if he doesn't mean them that way) you get to stop and wait to feel connected and aroused again, and both of you have to contribute to that.
I'm not saying you should or shouldn't help them. What I will say is don't take their word on their financial situation. Ask to see all the documents on their finances to verify that what they told you is the truth before making a decision.
You'd be amazed at the amount of parents who see their adult children as an atm.
She's not evil in any way.
Sure
Oh girl. You were acting like a psycho and now you’re deleting all your lunatic unhinged comments. I see you. Just as I assumed. Keyboard warrior and a coward. You seemed so proud of yourself princess. What changed?
Yes, you have a right to be mad. He is entertaining the interest of other women, while unwilling to make things “official” with you. He’s not a boyfriend; he’s a friend with benefits. If that’s not what you want, let him go and move on.
Tell her to cut it out or your next post will be about how you found out che was getting railed by him.
Yeah this is my exact sentiment as well. I'm glad someone shares my view.
I'm really enjoying all the comments. This thread has everything. There's jokes, there's puns, there's confessions…
I must say, I don't understand all the criticism for the guy rubbing one out in the bathroom afterward. That's not the grossest thing that happens on your typical toilet.
You’re deluded then
Ok… what is even happening here? Is this a joke
You are not their servant do not continue cooking for them they are adults they can cook and clean up after themselves they can buy their own food better yet they can get their own place to live!
That’s her next boyfriend.
That’s her next boyfriend.
If this is real, you need to realize that being 18 is the age of consent. That doesn't just mean the age that you can fuck whoever and no one goes to jail. It means it is the age that you are responsible for your actions and the consequences…in this case being a life long incurable STD obtained by choosing a partner that doesn't give a shit about you outside of your young body (gross).
Break up with him and go fully no contact immediately after. Block him if you need to make sure you won’t reply to him, watch his stories, like his posts, etc. The sudden cut off of all contact will make him feel the weight of his actions.
You have a horrible unhealth bond with this abusive man. You need therapy to help yourself heal. Please do not even think of getting back together with him. You deserve so much better than this man. Please get help for yourself so you can move on.
Strongly agree with this. I would also suggest explaining situation ( to your friends, family, work people etc.,) and advise not to give him any info about you. In the mean time, please be kind to your self and surround your self with love.
Yeah but those types of post don’t get you karma.. “it’s our 1st anniversary what shall I get my extremely thoughtful bf who already has it all (me)” Imagine the different responses. No one can say LAWYER UP to that.
It was before you was together, but I understand this would be an issue for you,
End the relationship with him block him because clearly you won't get over this.
Text him.
I understand it was before me, but I feel sick and now when ever I'm with you I'm going to think about you with her and that's not healthy for either of us. I do not want to continue this relationship with you and would appreciate it if you no longer contacted me.
It's a horrible thing but move on from him and give yourself time to talk to your friend. Don't lose her over this.
Once again, your worldly thinking has missed the point entirely. Its not being condescending at all.
You might consider reading a beautiful story “The Gift of the Magi” where the gifts given required heavy sacrifices, to buy something that neither person could end up using, because of the sacrifices each made.
Its funny, lol, the responses to this. Orlando isnt a poor city. This couple wouldnt be breaking the bank to do this, obviously.
I see this as a win win, regardless… even if the purchase itself was unaffordable, its also returnable, unlike a memory, which I do think he should also stick with.
I also DO think that there is nothing inherently wrong with buying your partner a top of the line bag. If its an affordable luxury, and I am SURE it is, she might actually be super happy. If she was not, then he can return it. Its one of those things that is a HARD sell to those who definitely cant afford much, but a fairly easy one, to people who can.. I know Orlando. I lived in Orlando for 9 years. Disney fanatics like this couple tend to be on the wealthier end. As far as his thinking goes, wanting to be a good provider, its not a bad idea- biting the bullet on an expensive item, and getting it for her.
On the other side of the coin, if she is in any way offended by it, lmao, she can return it.
The truth is, whether this is a worldly couple or a very Godly one, this is just a THING, and not anything more, and you shouldnt be so judgmental about how he shops for his wife, makes himself feel better, or even gives her a gift that you disapprove of out of jealousy annd envy, I suppose. There is nothing inherently evil about what he is feeling. He wants to do something extra nice for her 40th and this could really put them both on cloud 9.
My point to this, is that nobody is giving him any real advice on what to give her/ do for her birthday, and the real people in this case, is HER and HIM. NOT YOU.
If he wants to feel like an awesome provider, he can absolutely give her an awesome gift.
Its also silly to say she would reject a LV purse. Lmfao!!!! Its Orlando. Dont be so naive. She may not expect it, and she may feel like its too much, but chances are, shes going to love it, and he will feel good about his gift to her too. Problem solved.
Once again, your worldly thinking has missed the point entirely. Its not being condescending at all.
You might consider reading a beautiful story “The Gift of the Magi” where the gifts given required heavy sacrifices, to buy something that neither person could end up using, because of the sacrifices each made.
Its funny, lol, the responses to this. Orlando isnt a poor city. This couple wouldnt be breaking the bank to do this, obviously.
I see this as a win win, regardless… even if the purchase itself was unaffordable, its also returnable, unlike a memory, which I do think he should also stick with.
I also DO think that there is nothing inherently wrong with buying your partner a top of the line bag. If its an affordable luxury, and I am SURE it is, she might actually be super happy. If she was not, then he can return it. Its one of those things that is a HARD sell to those who definitely cant afford much, but a fairly easy one, to people who can.. I know Orlando. I lived in Orlando for 9 years. Disney fanatics like this couple tend to be on the wealthier end. As far as his thinking goes, wanting to be a good provider, its not a bad idea- biting the bullet on an expensive item, and getting it for her.
On the other side of the coin, if she is in any way offended by it, lmao, she can return it.
The truth is, whether this is a worldly couple or a very Godly one, this is just a THING, and not anything more, and you shouldnt be so judgmental about how he shops for his wife, makes himself feel better, or even gives her a gift that you disapprove of out of jealousy annd envy, I suppose. There is nothing inherently evil about what he is feeling. He wants to do something extra nice for her 40th and this could really put them both on cloud 9.
My point to this, is that nobody is giving him any real advice on what to give her/ do for her birthday, and the real people in this case, is HER and HIM. NOT YOU.
If he wants to feel like an awesome provider, he can absolutely give her an awesome gift.
Its also silly to say she would reject a LV purse. Lmfao!!!! Its Orlando. Dont be so naive. She may not expect it, and she may feel like its too much, but chances are, shes going to love it, and he will feel good about his gift to her too. Problem solved.
Have you told him any of this? Have you explained your feelings?
You can't change him. He has to want to change. Otherwise this is how it will always be.
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So like the title says my husband, we will call K, wants me to send him my bank statement each month to go over my spending. We have been together 7 years, married 2.5.
He comes from a family where FIL was abusive and paranoid. FIL taught K to never buy anything new always used. I grew up with parents who forced me to get a job at 15 to pay my way in life. Before that I was only getting cloothes at goodwill while my golden child brother never had to work and always hot new name brand everything. That created an issue where if I can afford it and want it I will get it if its within my budget.
He believes I spend too much money, I always pay my bills and I cover 1/2 mortgage, my car payment insurance on both our cars and his motorcycle, internet all food and house supplies, any subscriptions, any ordering of food out( K pays if we go into a restaurant to eat) and usually am the one to purchase his clothing(he won't buy clothes unless his are falling apart). He pays for his 1/2 of the mortgage, motorcycle payment and electricity. I don't have any debt so I pay for more things.
K now wants my bank statements to see what I spend, to tell me how I could be better. But I tend to buy things when I need/want them. It never affects our bills and I help him when K needs it. Would it be fair for me to tell him no, he wanted separate finances so he can't tell me what to do with my money?
Divorce him already! He keeps proving to you that he does respect you or your boundaries. How much longer are you going to fall for lies?
i agree, this is what my friends have said too. I think we might be done honestly.
I don’t know, is this a dealbreaker for you?
Just leave the group chat and don’t go to the get togethers. Talk directly to the one person you want to remain in contact with.
You don’t have to plan an escape or anything, this isn’t prison, just stop. ?♀️