Op I am probably late replying to your post, but please, please check the recent post on sub reddit trueoffmychest. A woman lost her dog to her husband, and he didn't give the dog away he killed it. Please, please consider your relationship. And maybe check our her post it is really important to take cues from our pets and notice their behaviour around people, they are a better judgement of humans than we can ever be.
You love her that why you tryna save her. but you gotta save yourself too. you not get away from you ex to meet something or someone that could be more damage. that was rough already what you’ve been thru. are you responsible enough to have someone new or you just need someone to be there for you? have you ever been healed just a little ? it could hurt her but even you been together with her after for so long and you love her. but your mental health just gonna go down and down if you stay when you not ready. the solution is to clear your head and give yourself sometime until you ready
I would be worried that once your mam passes, his abuse will be worse. Particularly if you say you've not opened up about him to others.
You really need to get away from him as soon as you can. It might help to talk to someone on the family about it.. I know that will be difficult if you don't feel close to them, but knowing that someone else knows can be the push you need to get out.
He really is an abhorrent person.
Focus on you and your family and forget about him. And don't be afraid of being alone, be afraid of spending your life with someone who doesn't care about you and makes you unhappy.
It may also be worth getting in touch with a therapist to help you deal with your grief. Gotta take care of you first and foremost.
For leaving her home without letting her know…chances are that means the door was left unlocked, and/or she got scared in the morning that something happened to him before she saw the note. It’s entirely reasonable to expect someone to let you know before they leave, even if that means waking you up.
It’s also entirely reasonable to not want to wake someone up.
I coach and mentor middle and high school kids (USA). They each shoulder all sorts of baggage, too often placed their by their parents. I can only imagine how this all affects them and do not try to convince me that what you and your wife are doing doesn't affect them, is none of their business, or that “they're just kids.” I've seen too much in my 30+ years of coaching and mentoring to know that's nonsense.
Your present misery and your wife being “a wreck” are completely self-inflicted. Your kids will be forced to one day try to make sense of it all as they gain an understanding of what you two are doing. It will be during their formative years that they look at your examples and develop for themselves their own sense of what love is, what commitment to a spouse and family looks like, when and how to value self-control over self indulgence, etc. They won't understand what you two are doing or why, but they will absolutely notice each of your conspicuous absences at odd times, the misery you each show when the other is out with their…whatever they are, and the distance what you two are doing is creating between you and them.
You only casually mentioned the fact that you have three kids and then the rest of your post and comments are about your and your wife's cycle of misery and excitement over being with others. My sympathies for you and your wife are near non-existent. Based on what you wrote and how it appears to reflect your priorities, my concern for your kids is extensive.
I've been blessed to work with many, many kids who turned to an outsider like me as someone they trusted to talk about the troubles they're having navigating difficult and highly impressionable periods in their lives. It's a big part of being a coach in a self indulgent society. I have little hope for a fulfilling or lasting marriage in your case, OP. My only hope is that your kids one day similarly find an adult that will help them navigate their difficult years while their parents are busy masking their self-inflicted misery with with even more and more selfish indulgences. Yuck.
Thing is he was supposed to only be here while thinking about things and finding himself a place to stay as we both just moved to this state in April. But it was like soon as he got here we were doing things that couples who live together do and we honestly couldn’t help it. As we’ve only been in this apartment three months together.
I had the same thought about maybe still being in a honeymoon phase. We wanted to live together but first get engaged to show our commitment. So I thought that would be the real test…
But yeah, you’re right. I think never speaking to him again would cause me a lot of pain, too. And we live close and so bump into each other all the time…
You know, even just writing it all out and having some respond with kind sensible advice has helped.
That's definitely a good option if they won't use the other birth control options. However, that sperm can hang out for almost a week sometimes. I am living proof that tracking the cycles isn't infallible. ?
Op I am probably late replying to your post, but please, please check the recent post on sub reddit trueoffmychest. A woman lost her dog to her husband, and he didn't give the dog away he killed it. Please, please consider your relationship. And maybe check our her post it is really important to take cues from our pets and notice their behaviour around people, they are a better judgement of humans than we can ever be.
You love her that why you tryna save her. but you gotta save yourself too. you not get away from you ex to meet something or someone that could be more damage. that was rough already what you’ve been thru. are you responsible enough to have someone new or you just need someone to be there for you? have you ever been healed just a little ? it could hurt her but even you been together with her after for so long and you love her. but your mental health just gonna go down and down if you stay when you not ready. the solution is to clear your head and give yourself sometime until you ready
I would be worried that once your mam passes, his abuse will be worse. Particularly if you say you've not opened up about him to others.
You really need to get away from him as soon as you can. It might help to talk to someone on the family about it.. I know that will be difficult if you don't feel close to them, but knowing that someone else knows can be the push you need to get out.
He really is an abhorrent person.
Focus on you and your family and forget about him. And don't be afraid of being alone, be afraid of spending your life with someone who doesn't care about you and makes you unhappy.
It may also be worth getting in touch with a therapist to help you deal with your grief. Gotta take care of you first and foremost.
OP is going to leave him and he'll be one of those dudes that comes on Reddit to be like, my relationship was perfect, how could my wife leave me?
For leaving her home without letting her know…chances are that means the door was left unlocked, and/or she got scared in the morning that something happened to him before she saw the note. It’s entirely reasonable to expect someone to let you know before they leave, even if that means waking you up.
It’s also entirely reasonable to not want to wake someone up.
As I said, it’s an unfortunate situation.
I coach and mentor middle and high school kids (USA). They each shoulder all sorts of baggage, too often placed their by their parents. I can only imagine how this all affects them and do not try to convince me that what you and your wife are doing doesn't affect them, is none of their business, or that “they're just kids.” I've seen too much in my 30+ years of coaching and mentoring to know that's nonsense.
Your present misery and your wife being “a wreck” are completely self-inflicted. Your kids will be forced to one day try to make sense of it all as they gain an understanding of what you two are doing. It will be during their formative years that they look at your examples and develop for themselves their own sense of what love is, what commitment to a spouse and family looks like, when and how to value self-control over self indulgence, etc. They won't understand what you two are doing or why, but they will absolutely notice each of your conspicuous absences at odd times, the misery you each show when the other is out with their…whatever they are, and the distance what you two are doing is creating between you and them.
You only casually mentioned the fact that you have three kids and then the rest of your post and comments are about your and your wife's cycle of misery and excitement over being with others. My sympathies for you and your wife are near non-existent. Based on what you wrote and how it appears to reflect your priorities, my concern for your kids is extensive.
I've been blessed to work with many, many kids who turned to an outsider like me as someone they trusted to talk about the troubles they're having navigating difficult and highly impressionable periods in their lives. It's a big part of being a coach in a self indulgent society. I have little hope for a fulfilling or lasting marriage in your case, OP. My only hope is that your kids one day similarly find an adult that will help them navigate their difficult years while their parents are busy masking their self-inflicted misery with with even more and more selfish indulgences. Yuck.
Thing is he was supposed to only be here while thinking about things and finding himself a place to stay as we both just moved to this state in April. But it was like soon as he got here we were doing things that couples who live together do and we honestly couldn’t help it. As we’ve only been in this apartment three months together.
RUN ! you can do better
They don't know each other yet. Not really. They couldn't. Which means love is impossible.
There's no such thing as love at first sight. There's only attraction at first sight.
Thank you so much for your advice ?
I had the same thought about maybe still being in a honeymoon phase. We wanted to live together but first get engaged to show our commitment. So I thought that would be the real test…
But yeah, you’re right. I think never speaking to him again would cause me a lot of pain, too. And we live close and so bump into each other all the time…
You know, even just writing it all out and having some respond with kind sensible advice has helped.
Here’s hoping for the best ??
I don't know one single couple. Never have through my adult years and travel through Europe. guess I didn't travel in those circles.
Ultimately it's up to you two. I don't want that type of relationship for me. Mentally and emotionally I'm not built that way. To each his own.
That's definitely a good option if they won't use the other birth control options. However, that sperm can hang out for almost a week sometimes. I am living proof that tracking the cycles isn't infallible. ?
That’s rape. Call the cops. Document everything. Send this rapist to jail.
Sounds like all the normal signs
Snow White and the seven dwarves.