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Date: January 2, 2023
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So I'm on the fence about this.
On one hand, it seems selfish to expect it and then not reciprocate.
On the other – no one should have to do something sexually that they don't want to do, and coercing via “but I did it for you” is not OK.
This needs to be a conversation – is he being lazy? a bit selfish? or does he dislike doing it and doesn't want to?
The WHY here is the most important thing. You aren't entitled to oral just because you give it, and if you hate giving it but do it for him, maybe it's time to stop that, but if you like doing it, and are happy to, and he doesn't like doing it and doesn't want to, then that's kind of how things are.
Is he an attentive lover in other ways?
If he's a doormat, why isn't he in therapy? Why does he think it's ok to converse with his ex without you knowing and spending money on her without you knowing about it?
Yes, he feels sorry for her but still disrespected you. Why?
Also means no kissing probably. OP literally asking to wear a paper bag. Hope she can work through it. Conventionally attractive is only one way to be attractive, and overrated at that.
Nothing sexier than self-confidence.
Not really, because I’ve never had a guy say that to me. I’ve heard them say it to other women and I have met multiple women who’ve experienced that. But those women always had similar things in common man used to say would be bad in a marriage. Although when I hear the reasons, they were stupid like she dresses a certain way, or she isn’t submissive and a lot of other stupid things.
YMCA
Eyy nice edit, try the MDMA together bro, cuddling will be even better
SO- if he airdropped / shared the photos to his phone that is a major violation of your friendship and your wife’s privacy. If she is saying to drop it that doesn’t make sense. I would be so irate I would rip his teeth out. Something’s up. She shouldn’t be that chill unless she knew already or sent them.
So, you're wife just had some risque photos that you never saw and were never shared with you in any way?
Didn’t even need to read the post. Just the title. Yes you should.
No, but I am expecting him to act normal and act how he used to and seek advice on how to help him since his friends are clearly failing at it. I care about him very much and this has been very hard for me to see all this happening and not be able to do anything about it. People keep coming to me and telling me how he is struggling, obsessing over me, talking shit about me, lying, then saying he loves me. Then expecting me to somehow be able to do something or get answers from me, all the while my anxiety just grows and I've had a hard time coping.
Does he spend a lot of time online? Could he have gotten into any of that crazy manosphere stuff? It's all about how women all cheat and can't be trusted and about how real men have to lay down the law.
You’ve probably taken in a lot of ideas, opinions and such from this post by now.
I say from here:
RUN. Do not think twice about this and break up. And do your best to never think of this again. You know why this was embarrassing and disrespectful. You do not need to know, or find out (eventually) to what extent she has or will disrespect you further.
Gaslighting implies that she once believed the truth.
You might. Doesnt mean he does.
I didn't wanna snoop in private, we have both looked through each other's stuff infront of each other before, she has literally taken my phone out of my hands and gone through my pictures and messages right infront of me, and I've done the same if I really wanted to “snoop” I wouldn't hide it because I've done it infront of her before.
Yes.
I have been unemployed probably 5 years. A lot of therapy. My father died. I have to do his estate. Covid. Other family drama. There are many reasons.
This isn't a boundary and you're being controlled. F this guy.
I have one single, solitary question.
Why are you even with this guy? Does he have some kind of well-hidden redeeming feature(s)? Or did it just go downhill and you're “stuck?”
Moving that distance with someone who's apparently less useful than a doorstop utterly baffles me – it's like having a man-child dependent.
I told him I would help with rent for the first couple months as long as he was actively job searching
Did you put any constraints on this or check up to see if he's been doing any actual job searching?
Well, it has now been 6 months and all he does is sit his ass on the couch playing video games. When he isn’t doing that, he is either at the beach with his friends or scrolling on his phone
How is he affording this lifestyle? Are you subsidising or paying for everything or does he have some form of other income or savings he's using?
I got a job 2 weeks after we moved here. I have been working 50 hours a week plus finishing up my bachelors degree.
I honestly can't imagine how hard this has been for you and feel awful knowing what a toll this must have on you.
I cook, clean, work, go to school, etc and all he does is sit around.
So let me get this straight – you work 50 hours a week (on top of your Degree) and do literally every single last thing in the house from Cooking every meal, cleaning the house, laundry etc and are the only one that works and does anything?
I would say you've got two options and pick one, stick to it and hold to your guns.
-1. Assuming that wherever you are has a Tenancy, speak to the landlord and between you organise to give your BF a timeframe of 1 month to find a job or he's out and off the tenancy, period. No excuses, no “I've decided I'm depressed” unless he goes to a Doctor to get both support and treatment.
Draw up a list of all the chores (and I mean, all, this is no time for “eww but that's dirty”) and split them 50/50 at a bare minimum – if he's not working, he has the time.
He either gets a job and keeps it, matures and grows beyond puberty here or that's it.
-2. Just be done with it – if he's on the tenancy, then do the first part of the above: speak to the landlord, explain things, get him taken off the agreement, kick his ass out as soon as you're legally able to.
Dignify your decision only as far as you need to – either face to face or in a letter, whatever works – he doesn't work, doesn't help you, has sponged off you for 6 months with zero costs (apparently) and despite knowing your struggles and frankly exhaustive efforts, does nothing to so much as lift a finger.
I don’t want to break up with her, but I also want to respect her choice and identity, but I also am really uncomfortable with dating a trans person, to the point of breaking up
Breaking up would be respecting her choice. You like women. She just told you she doesn't always feel like a woman.
She needs to do some soul searching, but you're not bigoted for having your orientation.
That's one of the very rare occasions where I go with: Don't confess. Don't hurt her more. She is going through a lot right now. End your affair. Support your wife. Be there for her, even if that means being present when she might pass away.
You will have to carry the burden of what you did alone, without finding forgiveness. Because right now, this is not about you. It's about your wife. Don't make her suffer more pain.
And realise: What you did is so horrible, that most people would wish upon you that one day you realise that you will die alone.
NTA. You were clear you didn't want children. She was on the fence and likely hoped if she got pregnant “by accident” that it would be too late. You do not have to have anything to do with her or her child. Maybe should have left before, but I think still better to leave now than after the baby arrives. Up to you, but I would tell her you're leaving and why, rather than just disappear and file for divorce, but that's just me.
Wow, I feel really bad for the next person you end up in a relationship with.
Your wife is dying. You feel guilty and want to clear your conscience. So you think the right idea is make her dying more traumatic? DO NOT TELL HER. Closure doesn’t exist
I'm so sorry to say that this is quite naive. The deadbedrooms subreddit is chock full of people who's partners are 'not into sex' and turns out they were cheating the whole time. Reading your comments, my heart is really hurting for you.
It sounds like you suffer from love addiction a bit. I have this problem. I am addicted and obsessed with my bf. I love just being around him. He is so cute and makes me feel like everything is ok and safe. I love the way he looks at me and how affectionate and passionate he is about us. However, I literally force myself to do my own thing and keep distance from him on some days. You just have to fight for emotional independence. You owe it to yourself and to your bf. It's very hard and unsatisfying at times but it creates character and strength to live a life that is feuled by internal self validation than external validation.
If it’s a tight enough industry and he mentioned where his new job is in the rant they absolutely would’ve told the new job
100% agree. Like, the amount of times I just see “leave the person immediately” is unreal. Like, ending a relationship like that should be the LAST resort if shit has SERIOUSLY gone wrong. Reddit is probably the worst place you can go to for advice, so we shouldn’t complain too much
Its not always about doing something wrong. Sometimes it's just about not being calibrated enough to meet needs for each other. But it sounds like the friend has a way he validates that involves things the fiancees normal process doesn't have yet.
When did this special day happen and who made it up?
Is there a special guys day,?
If she is that hung up on a made up hallmark card day, thrn it's time to think about
What does she do for me? Supportive? Her number #1, etc…
This is a red flag. If it’s not a method to trap you, I would worry it’s something like borderline personality disorder.
Point blank, he failed. He didn’t just meet you yesterday. He’s has 2 years to know what is and isn’t ok. It’s his job to set the tone with his friends, make sure they understand boundaries, and say something if things go sideways. This would be your responsibility if the roles were reversed. He let you know that he’s willing to socially sacrifice you for the sake of his good time and what other people think. You were not a priority then and you’re not one now. Leave. Find someone who won’t dismiss you so easily.
The point is you going on about him wearing old underwear. You don't know that and are just assuming in a stereotypical misandrist way.
Besides, no problem if she doesn't want to wear lingerie, but offering to buy them is not and should not be perceived as offensive.
Luckily only have to see them for weddings and funerals unless one of the grandparents call me in. I habe learnt to keep a low profile, but be there for my grandparents without the others. I have cousins that are upset how close I am to certain grandparents (ones that raised me, when my parents didn't bother), I'm treated as an equal to their children. So means my inheritance is bigger, personal I don't care if I have a trust from them or not. I just like having my special time with them recording their life stories. Once they pass away I don't have to keep in contact with any of the vultures. Just make sure the family money and items get placed back to the correct side for the next generation (I'm CF).
You deserve so SOOO much better.
I'm so proud and impressed that you left the way you did. Totally boss move.
You’re just a cheater and a scammer …. Get a life because you have no life .
That’s what I think. I’m not anticipating a response from him. I just felt so bad for that and it was weighing on me. I got really terrible advice from a hot headed person and I shouldn’t have listened. So, therefore my apology to him. Yes, I’m guilty of that as well.
No, I know. What does my message say to you?
He read it but that’s all he’s done. I would think he’d have ignored it all together or blocked me or unfriended me or something.
I really do want/hope he responds
He was understandably upset, embarrassed, and ashamed whenever we had our discussion and I wasn’t trying to add fuel to the fire. They are at his house obviously. I’m also creeped out that he used my clothes for that
What the fuck is a “penis exercise”? Cause I’m betting that’s the problem.
Ew…well the shit hit the fan ???
It's okay to regret a decision. You guys are kids. You don't have the experience to know a good thing when you see it. Neither does she. You're both gonna spend a lot of time trying to figure out if grass is greener on the other side. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. For her, it wasn't this time, and now she regrets her choice. It's okay. It's allowed.
Having said that, regretting a choice doesn't mean you're free of consequences, and every choice has them. The consequence for her is destroying your trust in her, and it may cost her the relationship entirely.
I can't tell you whether you should take her back or not. A lot of people are going to comment and try. Don't listen to them.
Trust CAN be restored. It can. But it's a process. It takes time, and if you take her back, you're going to spend at least the next several months wondering if today is the day she leaves again. Be prepared for that. It doesn't mean you hold this over her head and constantly throw it in her face, but it does mean you protect yourself.
If you take her back, make it clear that your trust is broken, and things can't go back to the way they were, not immediately. Things will have to go slow until the trust is restored. Make this a deal breaker. If she can't respect it, you should interpret that as a warning.
The other option, of course, is to not take her back at all, and this choice is also okay. It's entirely possible that the trust is damaged beyond repair, and things will never be the same between you. If this is the case, then burn your bridge and start healing yourself.
It's not an easy decision. If you take her back, it'll be a long time before you know if it was the right thing to do. If you don't take her back, you'll always wonder if you should have.
Like I said, we Reddit armchair dear Abbies can't tell you what to do, but if you do take her back, take it slow. Let that trust come back before you fully commit. Also, make this the only second chance you give her. If she leaves again, let her go for good.
Since you’re new here I want to tell you I agree with your bf and we don’t really “do that” here. It’s not a social app in the sense we have friends and IRL connections mesh with here. I’ve been here much longer than this user name’s age and I would never share with my irl people. Don’t think of this like fb or ig. Think of it as anonymous chatting. And refer to how many people blur their faces and don’t speak about exact locations to see how this is true.
My top lip is curled up in disgust at this. I see you comment below that she made the initial contact – as an adult it was his responsibilty to walk away from that.
your worry that he might 'trade you in' is less of a concern than the fact he's predatory. You know what to do here