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J (Guy) A (Girl), y.o.
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Date: October 4, 2022
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OP your a fucking weirdo if your making this shit up.
I'm the disabled one in my relationship, I have hEDS and it's associated conditions meaning I use a wheelchair, am fed artificially and live with chronic pain. We do not yet live together, but I have been putting things in place so that when we do I am less reliant on him with the aim being avoiding caregiver burnout and letting us be partners not just carer and patient.
First up, you matter too. Your struggles matter too, your worries matter too, non of what your going through matters less because she is unwell. She is too in the pain fog to see it, but do not forget that you matter too. What you want matters. Think carefully about what it is you want to change that can actually be changed realistically.
Second, look at getting some help in. I'm only familiar with the UK system, but she should be entitled to some sort of disability payments which you can then use to afford things like ready meals she can just heat up, someone to come in and help her say have a shower or do some cleaning. Contact adult services/social care and see if she is eligible for some funding to provide care for her, she may be able to get a budget she can use as needed to employ a PA who can take her to doctors appointments, help her with personal care, make a meal for her etc. She also may be able to get funding for a meal service where they deliver nutritionally complete meals she just needs to heat up. If meals are really becoming an issue she could ask her doctor for supplement drinks like Fortisip/Ensure as all she has to do is unscrew the cap. Respite care can also be provided either in or out of the home too. If you don't ask for help you won't get it.
Third, she needs to build up a bit of a support circle. I've made some great friends through Facebook groups for my conditions and Instagram using hashtags to find people similar to me. I have built up a wonderful little community and I would be lost without them. Yes physical friends are better, but making friends as an adult is hard let alone when you're chronically ill and unable to do most activities like sports or classes for a language etc.
Fourth, she needs to see someone more specialist to help her manage her conditions. Use Facebook groups to find a good doctor within a reasonable distance. I travel 3 hours for mine and its worth every mile. Pain management where I am is pretty hit and miss, but they have specialist therapists who deal day in day out with chronic pain patients and can help her find better ways to manage. Also it's worth noting that not every therapist is right for every person, so if they're not helping enough she needs to try out some others. Get yourself signed up for some therapy too, it sounds like you need it.
Finally, it's okay to have enough. You need to communicate with her that the current situation is untenable and that things need to change before you yourself become unwell, be that physically or mentally. It is so easy to get caught in the spiral of chronic pain leading to depression, which makes the pain harder to deal with, which makes you more depressed. But she needs to know where you stand and that this is affecting you this badly. It sounds like she needs a wake up call to actually try and help herself and while it may hurt her to hear exactly how you feel, you need to tell her. Not in a “if you don't change I will leave you” way, but in a “we are meant to be a partnership, I need some support” way.
Oh and don't have a kid until the relationship is healthier and you have physical support around. It's okay if children are a dealbreaker for you, they are a big deal, but they need stability and you don't have that right now.
Ultimately if she isn't willing to try and help herself there isn't much you can do beyond honestly communicate your feelings and begin the process of moving on. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
This person is just taking everything as a personal attack at this point. I am also autistic and I think they are delusional in their viewing of the situation.
That doesn’t make it ok. 23 is too old for 18.
Maybe shes trying to get you on her side to hate the girlfriend too. A sneaky manipulative move if true. It might mean the issue with the girlfriend is all her. After all gf did reach out. Maybe trying to mend bridges, and she wants find an issue with it. Maybe she doesn't want you to go because you might like the gf and not get what your girlfriends problem is.
And if not she's still a liar.
I think you should tell her you saw it. Or else she's just going to go without you and maybe come back with tales of grievances against her. And you'll wonder how much of it is true. And what else is she lying about.
Are you actually avoiding the world in an unhealthy way, or are you just getting after some nature because why the fuck not?
If the latter, fuck everything you might read here. Healthy is healthy.
If the former, work on it. No worries. Ok?
What is your end game here? Why do you keep reposting the same thing?