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instagram: naomigommez, 22 y.o.
Location: Colombia
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Date: October 7, 2022
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do you mind telling me in what way? since he's not sharing his life with you in a way, it makes it hard to imagine how exactly he's vulnerable.
Hey OP. I'm sorry you're experiencing this – especially in your first relationship. Sounds like your gf has a really close-minded perspective on the world. Although not really relevant, I'm curious if she's around your same age? I remember the latter half of my teenage years were quite dramatic in their own right and I said my fair share of questionable things. However, admitting she's openly racist, homophobic, transphobic, AND antisemitic is NOT a great sign of the kind of person she currently is. That's not to say she won't develop new opinions and grow as a person over time. For her sake, I hope she does gain a broader perspective and ditch all the hate that sounds like is burried in her heart.
I'm sorry that all this has caused you to have a panic attack. I've had several of those myself and I know how debilitating they are. How are things going right now for you? Do you have anyone else in your support system besides her? Support and trust are two very important factors in a healthy relationship and it sounds like you're the only one willing to provide that right now. That's not fair to you, especially considering what you mentioned at the end of your post. Both of your lives are incredibly valuable and I'm concerned that she's not very willing to support you.
Have you been talking online or offline with her since you had the discussion about your music? If music is something you're passionate about, then you should 100% keep pursuing it. And I would hope that your gf would support you in doing so. Did she have any responses to the questions you asked from the beginning of your post?
There's lots of context here that I think would be helpful in determining next steps – if you feel comfortable sharing. My DMs are always open if you need someone to listen. All in all, this is a concerning situation and I want you to know you deserve a kind, loving, supportive relationship!
This part, it’s your body. He has no bearing on what you do with it. If he has an insecurity HE needs to talk about it instead of projecting.
Nothing better to do with your time?
Don't ask her, this might lead to lots of worries and troubles down the road.
Her approach to touch doesn't have to mean anything. I touch my friends all the time, especially my female friends, in a platonic manner. That doesn't mean I want to have sex with them.
(Even though I'm a lot more attracted to women than I am to men)
Just his porn kink/fantasy acting out / seeing daylight. I guess he really like lesbian porn, especially with young teens “first time” stories.
He needs to empty his nuts and keep them empty so he could be chill infront of his familiy, etc.
yes!!
Too many inconsistencies
—Goes to church but is o.k with the morning after pill as birth control (not likely a lot of churches would be o.k. with that)
Says he goes to church but says he's Buddhist..I believe Buddhists have temples.
Seems weird to not be willing to let wife have at least one of her own from the beginning..when he gets four.
I would want to know
Yeah that would be the most logical conclusion but this person just seems like a pos wanting to blame a trans person in a weird way and then purposely going out of their way to misgender him. Its fucking enraging.
I mean, I feel like if you did that if the roles were reversed, that would still be a you problem. I'm of the general opinion that if you can't be honest with your partner about how you're feeling with your partner, and they can't take you at face value and not let your own feelings entirely ruin their relationships, then there's definitely some trust or other personal issues that need to be worked on.
I also think feeling like a spy is a you problem and not what would be actually happening. You wouldn't be there to surveil her, you'd be there to get to know her friends and take an interest in her life. It feels the same as going to a party that in-person friends may throw.
Do whatever you're most comfortable with, this is your relationship. But if you won't talk to her about it, please at least consider trying to find a close friend or professional to talk to instead. Shoving down your emotions instead of feeling them/working through them isn't going to make them go away.
Exactly! That is perfect response. The guy doesn't want to hurt her feelings and shut her down completely! I don't think ANY of us want THAT!
stopped reading at engaged at 7 months,, what were you thinking? ?
I do see a therapist and they’re not allowed to actually give me advice, they just listen. It doesn’t help me in the slightest and just makes me re live my trauma. I’d need a psychologist and I just don’t have the money.
Well, you should stop playing FIFA and start cheating, since cheating is preferable
Ah, that does clear up a few things.
If you can talk with him and he sees that it is problematic to decline hours when you don’t have a big cushion of money, then that’s good. Ask if he thinks it’s urgent to move on with things, either you both see it the same way or you don’t and some will have to adjust. The only way forward is to talk about it.
Other than that, if you feel he’s not paying enough attention to you and the relationship (you mentioned feeling alone), you also need to tell him that.
Here's the thing: being old or sick doesn't suddenly make a person good or worthy of forgiveness or coddling. Your father is using his father's regrets against you, which is highly unfair to you. If your grandfather has any regrets, they're his to have, not yours to inherit.
From a granddaughter who never had much contact with her grandfather, who has sick and died a few years ago – I'm never going to regret a relationship I didn't want to have.
Your grandfather has reprehensible worldviews, as well as your grandmother, if I'm reading this right. They don't disappear just because they get to a certain age, or get ill, or because your dad has issues of his own to deal with.
I can't tell you what to do, or how to handle your father, because even at 20 I was a very resolute person who made decisions and didn't regret them. But think about it this way – if this was some random asshole you're not related to, it wouldn't be your duty to befriend them, likewise, it is not your duty or responsibility to mend some imaginary rift between you and people who don't respect you and indeed don't love you as you are.
I say imaginary, and maybe that's not the right word, but the idea of grandparents having a real rift with their 20yo grandchild is ridiculous; they are the ones in the wrong, they are the ones who tell you you're going to hell. Yeah, no, they got no leg to stand on.
Tell your dad kindly that maybe you will regret the decision not to reconnect with your grandparents, but it's still your life, your decisions. The sad thing is… Your dad may well try to force you to regret this even if it's not a natural feeling for you; don't let him force him to do anything – he's afraid you'll regret not reconnecting, well, what if you regret doing it?