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Gabriela candytreo, 28 y.o.
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Date: November 1, 2022
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I think the best first step is to our yourself in his shoes, if he's been vaping since 14 it is a hard-ingrained habit that was present the entire time his brain was developing into his adult brain. It's not going to be easy, he's probably had to hide it for most of his life and that's become normal to him.
You need to strike a balance between “it's ok” which can tip into enabling him, and getting mad at gim which obviously isn't going to help. Jsut be very clear that you understand this is something he wants to fight and you're here to help, lay it out logically, don't criticize, guilt or vilify him, make the substance the enemy. Things like “the vape/nicotine is clearly having an inpact on your life I know you hate it and your embarrassed about it, which is ok. Let's work on this together”.
As for specific conversation starters it's tough… one of the main through lines with addiction is that the addiction has to want to change, so it can be counter productive if the idea comes from someone else. How often does he talk about it or mention that he hates it? Could you use the next time he brings it up as a window into this discussion?
If not i think you need to do it objectively and based on observations, it's important to intro this kind of journey at the right time. If he just had to excuse himself to vape and he was unhappy about it, or his vape died and he's having a mad time it could be a good opportunity to gain some momentum on the quitting front. Just make sure it's not phrased as “see? The vape is bad for you”, he already knows that. It's more like “hey, I've noticed you seem to not be having a good time, do you think you're up for trying to change some things?” It has to be gentle but firm and supportive.
Sorry, I caused this confusion. I had been talking mainly about the thread I linked and comparing it to this one, so some of the comments are about this post and some are about the AITA post. The school stuff is the AITA guy and the daughter is OP, but they're both the ones being accused of being perverts for wearing underwear.
Now, it's shaken out that OP might actually be a pervert (his talking about being “really close” to his girlfriend's 14 year old daughter. Yuck…) but that wasn't there when this thread started.
Thank you for your opinion, very valid
I do like hanging out with him. I just fear if he takes too long to figure it out, I might be too emotionally involved and the rejection will hurt pretty bad, so I’d rather know early on what I’m dealing with.
Yeah we have had many of these conversations, and talked about the compromises we would make for each other and the relationship.
That is good advice, we will definitely look into it.
Well, I have never been in a position where I’ve acted like like a total ass to my friend and disrespected boundaries with their partners so, no cant say I can relate.