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sgemma chat
Date: October 11, 2022
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It is highly possible this is due to some sexual trauma. You can't force him to talk about it and with men or women sexual trauma is incredibly difficult to talk about for many obvious and not so obvious reasons. Sometimes they may not even know because some people don't even remember until they go to therapy because that's how your brain can protect itself. Either way he needs to communicate if there's a problem and you can communicate that it makes you uncomfortable.
…she doesn’t have to have sex if she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t even need to give a reason. You however need to respect her boundaries and understand that you aren’t entitled to it.
please get out immediately i am so sorry that happened to you. it is not safe for you there
This is why you never marry a single mother. There is always baby daddy drama and emotional damage.
OP, you suck
She said what I can't have friends
What a dumb thing to agree to
I agree with this.
For me, the fact that they had gone together before feels pretty irrelevant here because this was not the same situation.
Cheating involves doing things secretly and behind someone’s back.
When people participate in ethically non-monogamous behaviours, the key part is everyone’s consent and awareness of what is happening.
Even if he believed she would be okay with him going there, OP mentioned they previously had strong trust between each other, so, then what would the harm have been in him saying, hey, I was thinking of going, does that work for you at this time?
He could have extended that courtesy with ease, if he really believed it would not be a big deal.
Then she would have had the chance to to express that she maybe wasn’t comfortable with it at this time due to how she was feeling after having the baby.
That would be open communication where both parties were able to be heard.
And that’s not what happened.
It feels for me like he deliberately did not reach out to say what his plans were, because he could have so easily with just a quick text.
He doesn't take care of himself but wants to take care of you? He's mooching off a kid which is pathetic. Luckily you don't even like him so what's stopping you from ghosting?
Yes and he admits to this. We have fun when we are together but I’m finding out more things about his fetishes. She is a submissive and does anything he asks. How do I compete with that? I’m 53. I’m afraid to start over.
To be fair to Op at 25 they’re likely highschool sweethearts…which means he never grew from his stinky gross teen phase jfc
Dude. Do you love her? If you do, you’ll figure out a way to either compromise on this, or just allow her to be her and swallow it. If she does all that and you still want her around, asking the question is stupid to begin with because you’re not going anywhere. And if you listen to any of us? Just shoot your self in the face instead.
I desire and want you more than you know you mean so much to me and I'm working on myself really hard I'm 6 months no pot been working out checked in during the divorce been seeing a counselor regularly got my meds for siezures figured out quiting weed basically got rid of my anxiety issues and forgetfulness and I was forced to snap out of my depression by my dad acting crazy it forced me to realize I could get in a car accident tomorrow and I want to live my life to the fullest not hide from fears or the world and your the only women I want you have my heart i love you and I miss you more than you know to my kda and wiley from tjh and Roxy
lot* and no
Breakup
You already hurt him once, he told you don’t do that again and you actually flirted with a RANDOM person that slid in your DMs? Tell him the truth, it’s his choice to leave or stay with you. Eventually I think he will find out somehow or next thing you know your head will go blank again and physically cheat on him with any guy that gives you some attention. Sad
Just saw this – figured it's worth noting my family is half Asian and half American. Both sides know how to answer questions. I wouldn't blame all of this on cultural differences.
Dude wants grand kids and a family for his son. You know, like traditional stuff?
Thank you for suggesting. I want to work on myself, and want to read your story. I tried looking through your posts, but didn’t find it – can you please share it, maybe in PM? Thank you
No. I guess I don’t
it sounds like you 2 are just not compatible honestly
Your husband wants his cake and eat it too. If he can fuck random strangers it puts a “but it’s just physical and not emotional so it’s okay” spin on it.
Are you falling in love with this one guy you have sex with? If so, well, that’s what happened. If not, your husband just isn’t happy about it, but tough, if it’s just sex for you like it is for him. You should feel comfortable in who you have sex with in your own way just like he does.
He wanted this, to bad he didn’t think with the right head and ask you before hand what type of person you wanted to have sex with.
Everyone here is 15 years old apparently
Sorry, but I’d go see Taylor Swift, too.
She sounds absolutely exhausting. What is the point when you make each other miserable? BPD is not curable it can be managed and she’s not managing it. Yikes.
Yeah, therapy or divorce. Either way, things will get better for you.
At the moment you are just her safety net
When you divorce her, the fling will get tired of her and leave and she will be on her own
Just don't take her back when she comes knocking
Grow up. You broke up, it's been 2 years. Bro code is such a ridiculous thing.
Two years after the fact? Two weeks, two months, maybe. Two years? Nah.
Everyone is telling you to break up and move on. His religion will abuse you sooner or later.
Do you really wanna spend years with him before you realise that? 6 months is nothing especially on a long distance
Lol, it’s not insecure to assume that when 1). All of her friends were doing it, 2). She started following a bunch of random guys, 3). She added and now talks to a bunch of those same guys on Snapchat. You’re naive to think so
I think he’s saying he’ll stop being friends with her on your behalf so he can make you out to be the reason the friendship ended instead of truly being accountable for his own actions. Cause he obviously doesn’t think he did anything wrong
I'm sorry my dude, but there's no way to salvage this. She's made her choice to not help at all and to cheat on you even with your children still around. There's just no coming back from that. Take the time to tell the kids what's happening, and mentally prepare them and yourself for the storm ahead
Then why is spending so much money on her education?
It’s not the obvious because you’ve already had your nudes circulated in high school and you being 18, that can’t have been very long ago. Sounds like you needed to be told.
Life is short. Move back to Miami.
OP there is a lot you need to unload to your wife as she has contributed to the mess your marriage is in (starting with the 3rd child). She put her needs above the families (and yours) and it broke you down.
You two need a marriage counselling and you specifically OP need to learn to communicate your feelings through individual therapy.
I can relate to using drugs and alcohol to deal with the stress of being a family provider because it seems like your carrying a huge load on your back that only gets heavier with each new life obstacle.
Your wife’s shit test was completely stupid but you both need to learn to partner better to get through the tough times.
Things will get better OP as it seems like you’re making better choices.
You're not asking too much. You're asking for relatively little and he is openly disdainful of you.
My partner and I don't even live together and spend way more time together either in person or by chat. Your husband is totally disengaged from the relationship and neglecting you quite seriously.
It sounds like he may have an addiction to gaming, given how he's spending all this time. Treat the situation as if it were some other kind of addiction. He's choosing his fix over his family. What is the healthy and appropriate response to that?
If you have family that will take you in, you might want to consider going home before or just after the baby is born. You're going to need help and support. This man isn't going to offer it.
Have you seen her weigh herself when naked (so definitely not having any weights hidden on her body)?
the streets are calling her and she's answering
“Guys, she's not racist, she just likes racism!!!”
Yea, I call bullshit on your wife it being involved in anyway. Her reaction doesn’t sound like a woman who was violated and personal sexy pics stolen from her phone by a friend. Sorry dude.
Sounds like a plan. Thank you my guy
Only a despicable person would treat someone they supposedly care about in this manner. You deserve way better then this. I’m so sorry that this happened to you.
Thank you
That sounds easier said than done. If there was something fundamentally wrong in our relationship itself, it would be much easier to just walk away.
Absolutely everything else is simple and straightforward and filled with love. I wonder if there's a middle ground in this.
I think it is very good that he went to therapy and noticed that is a future he doesnt see himself in, and that he told you straight up, it doesnt lead to any confusion or any situation.
This is a moment for you to decide if you want to be with him despite knowing you may never have the kids, if you want to be with him a bit longer to see if he changes his mind or if you want to go on separate ways. Relationships can break because of this kind of thing and that is FINE, even someone nice, loving and respectful may not be the perfect match for your future as these traits should be a given in any relationship (I feel we tend to hold tighter to them because they are so uncommon though so it is fine if you don't want to end your relationship)
You agreed on not letting him win. That doesn’t necessarily means playing at your highest capacity every time, it can also means making him work for his wins.
If your wife plays at her best capacity every time, she will beat him in 3-5 turns. There wouldn’t be any time for your son to learn anything and the level of play would be too high for him to understand anything. He needs to learn to walk before he can run.
By playing at his levels or slightly above, your wife is allowing him to develop his skills. She’s playing the best she can WHILE ALLOWING HIM TO STILL LEARN AND ENJOY THE GAME. She’s not lying, you’re just not understanding and she’s probably worried that you’ll say that she’s going easy on him in front of your son and discourage him even more.
I understand that, at your level, you probably don’t have enough knowledge to modulate your skills and adapt your play, but your wife can. And look at the difference: your son won’t play with you anymore, but he’ll play with your wife.
Going to prison is typically the death knell for a relationship, and he may legitimately be looking at a prison sentence. After the police go straight to women's center or doctor or something. You HAVE to face the results his actions. I know you are terrified. You have EVERY right to be, but please, please, please, don't put off a proper examination. Knowledge IS power. Power to reclaim your choice, your autonomy, and your life. He has ready taken so much from you. Don't give him and his fucked up reasoning any more room in your world. He gas proven he is not worthy of sniffing your dirty socks let alone having you as a life partner. I am so sorry this is happening. Stay safe.
He has a yard to maintain, too. As far as admitting it goes… is this like the “do these jeans make me look fat” question that men are supposed to lie about?
You have no context other than what OP posted. Your response says more about you than this guy.
Time to go! The only reason she told you is because his wife found out. Your wife doesn’t respect you or your marriage. He doesn’t respect you or your marriage. And she doesn’t respect her boyfriend’s wife or marriage. Leave these inconsiderate selfish a-holes to each other.
Why would you think its patronising?
You need to leave….don't ever be someones “plan B”. Good luck
But you aren't a decent guy you just want to believe that. You messed up and instead of facing the consequences of your actions you are actively trying to rationalize why you didn't mess up as bad as you did. That's not decent. Everyone makes mistakes, I don't even have to argue if yours was just a mistake or whatever, since by trying to hide that you did it, you are showing that you infact aren't decent. And tbh I don't understand the reasoning of trying to stay with her while keeping the secret knowing all what you now know.
She's your wife, she's carrying your child, your going to love the child if your a decent human being if her name is Gloria, tubby bunny, or moon flower.
Sometimes losing an argument with someone you love is a good way to win.
Don't argue with a pregnant women. Especially if your married to her.
Is peice of wisdom thats been hand down over the generations of men in my family. After being with my wife for over 20 years I can absolutely agree with it.
Have you seen all his past posts? It's pretty much all about coke.
Run away!
OP, please consider this. Women have a reproductive timeline. This is just FACT. Men don't. Again, FACT. Unless you have a medical reason why you can't have children, you can have kids for a long, long time. FAR longer than a woman can. So it's pretty natural for a lot of us to want to have certain milestones met at certain times in our lives. Why? Because time is not on our side if we want to have children.
Instead of seeing this as a negative, try seeing that this is a woman you, supposedly, love who wants a future with you. A future that has all the big milestones that she wants for herself WITH YOU. If you do not want those milestones, let her go NOW! NOW!
I know a lot of people will argue. it's only been 2 months, but she knows what she wants. And she is not 'dating' to date. She's dating to find her partner. If you're not, you're incompatible. If you are, it's odd to me that you don't see a potential future with her. Why keep dating?
My thinking is that subconsciously, you know there's a big age gap between you two, and that long term it probably won't work out.
That’s a crazy statistic
Yes, I do think she slightly does. My buddy is a player and she knows this very well. He often talks about past hook ups and new girls he is talking to, and he used to never shy away from going into details about those past hookups, even when she was present. I have told him not to talk about it much with a woman present, because in any case, I don’t see it as right. Which he seemed to respect, but when she’s around us she kind of tries to be “one of the guys” so there’s no telling what they talk about when I’m not there. But I do wonder if it’s sparked any curiosity out of her. I really don’t think either of them would do it. But anyone is capable of cheating if they put themselves in the right situation to do so. Getting drunk can definitely lead to that.
Is he able to really handle dating you?
Where is his emotional control?
Sleep naked with the dog, or sleep naked with me. Take your pick. To me that's not unreasonable.
OP You need to realize that you are her boyfriend, not her psychologist and her mental health problems are above your paygrade, she needs professional help.
My wife is a researcher too and she suffers from depression and the pressure of the job cracker her, I tried to help her but there bit hings really changed when she decided to look for professional help, she went to a psychiatrist and a psychologist to have a dual treatment andher treatment lasted a year.
She has bad days and now is able to recognize them and we can comunicate better and I can support her better since she undestand better what she is living.
If you want to give a last try to this relationship, talk with her and tell her how much you love her and how painful is to see her struggling so much, how she deserve to feel better and be happy. If she refuses be honest shout how you have reached your limit and can't help her more.
Yes. I get most of my supply from work (I work at a shop that sells small items and usually there's silica gel packs in the boxes), but I also save the ones I get in whatever consumer products I buy (I don't buy many new goods).
Stop caving in. Let her be grumpy.
I she with some above comments that it's likely you're speaking too much about your friend. I'm not sure I ever mentioned my best friend on a first or second date? That seems like weird behavior to me.
But, also just a reminder that dating is about finding someone compatible. These men were not compatible. It's not an inherently bag thing that they let you know that.
They're obviously getting something out of all the drama they're creating. You can't make them behave like grown-ups. Just stay out of the line of fire.
In the beginning, he was rarely free due to the nature of his past job. They would ask then knowing he couldn’t come. When he changed profession meaning a change in hours… stopped asking, literally as soon as he changed jobs, never asked again.
Wife and mother duties.
If the roles were reversed? Asking for exclusivity after the trip gives the idea that OP was planning on a hookup during the trip, which OP himself confirmed.
Priority one should be talking with a divorce attorney. Not a therapist. If you aren't willing to talk with an attorney to understand your legal options then I'm sorry to say, but you deserve to be cheated on and walked all over because you are nothing more than a doormat.
I know that's harsh, but I'm hoping it will wake you up to the situation.
Oh im sure she did but you were so wrapped up in yourself and your personality and body that you didnt fuckin notice.
Hang up.
The positive role he played in her life doesn't magically erase the fact that he helped ruin a man's life by literally stealing his child from him, directly after stealing his wife. He never would've even been in her life if her mother didn't cheat on her father and then divorce him for her affair partner. That's an active series of choices he made in collusion with OP's mom. Not a mistake. A mistake is getting the wrong flavor of cake for a birthday party. Not carrying on an affair with a married woman, then moving a few hundred miles away with her and her kid after she divorces her husband and gets custody.
thank you i agree. may not matter but it was only 2 people as well. the fact he can be like this knowing how it affects is also super bad. he even says off things when i talk about when we are older. he thinks it’s weird if me and my bff go on a weekend vacation together bc he only thinks about sex and cheating. he says how his mom never did that. ya maybe bc ur mom married someone 10 years older and my parents r normal and go on friend vacations regularly.
Sounds like he's a dick.
but the reality of her choices financially will alter the course of my life in such a profound way that all I can see is resentment in the end.
This is sad, but true. It will hurt now, but save so much pain.
Yeah me neither. Good luck
⬆️⬆️⬆️ this. It is what it is. Actions have consequences. Congrats on the wedding.
He says he’s deleted them now but I haven’t asked for his phone to check. Would that be okay to do?
I'd break up with you but not because of the snooping, just because you used the word “bare” incorrectly. You meant “bear”. Yes, it is an animal but it's also is a verb. “I bear this burden”. Bear, when not referring to the animal, means to carry something. Bare means naked.
Am I the only one that had to read this like four fucking times
Sit down with him and tell him kindly but sternly that the relationship is over and don't give in to the “I'll do better”. It's probably going to be rough for both of you but since you said you haven't been happy for a while then it's probably for the best.
It's best to cut all contact with them and don't reply if they manage to reach out because that will just delay the inevitable. Continuing talking and seeing each other will give him hope that the relationship can be rekindled and potentially convince you to go back to something that didn't make you happy.
And why is that? What's wrong with me specifically?
you did it first because you're trying to resist advice as you seek validation.
the solution is to stop engaging. if you really do want to move on, stop engaging with your inability to properly defend yourself.
you're welcome.
Man's such a loser he couldn't even get a reply lmao
You're a really shitty person.
Those kids will be far better off without your narcissism and egotism in their lives.
The damage is done. You are super young and will have no issue finding a man who will tell you how beautiful you are.
It’s worth a fight
What will he be like when you have kids. ? Will he be home ? Will he help out ? Ask Him that .. he will probably expect you to do everything
Someone help me!