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emmilysanderss chat
Date: October 16, 2022
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Tl:dr I just started making good money, my GF wants me to start sending money ($1,000 or more) to her family every month. I refused and she’s irate with me, calling me selfish, etc. Seeking advice.
Hey guys, need some advice here. My GF and I have been together for about 2 years now. We live together and share some finances, split everything 50/50, but I believe she’s trying to take things a bit too far by asking me to give money to her family.
For more context, we live in the US, she is 2nd generation Mexican. (meaning, her parents are from Mexico but she was born in US)
My GF is an outlier in her family whereas she is one of the only one of her relatives to get a college degree. She is making decent money now ($70K) and also moved across the country from her family after graduating. She leads a stable and drama free life, which is why I love her. She is frugal with her money and is generally low-maintenance.
Her sister, on the other hand, is a mess. She is a single mother of 2, moved to Florida from Michigan on a whim with no money, skills or degree to follow her baby daddy, BD left her and the kids. She is now jobless and moved in with relatives who are also struggling. Blames everyone for her shit except herself. Her mother is not doing any better. After a nasty divorce where she was cheated on and abused throughout the marriage, she decided to represent herself in court despite all advice and lost just about everything to her name. She is also just notoriously bad with her money, she will spend the last $800 to her name on a fancy table she doesn’t need then freak out and ask for money to cover rent. This is just a glimpse into the mess of her family, not even including all the issues and drama caused by her extended family. (there are many of them)
Then, there’s me. I come from a pretty poor background and have worked myself silly to get into a good financial position. I finally started making a decent wage in the past 2 months ($150K) for the first time in my life, I have things I could only dream of like…good healthcare and a savings account.
Recently, my girlfriend approached me and asked if I could start helping her send money to her family since I’m making good money now. I was a little taken back, and just asked what she thought. She’s asking me to contribute nearly $1,000 each month to send to her mom and sister. I said absolutely not, I think it’s absolutely ridiculous to just be sending monthly payments to relatives, much less relatives that aren’t even mine! She’s acting like I’m being outrageous by refusing, saying she couldn’t believe I’m so selfish.
She will absolutely not let it go and her demeanor towards me has shifted since I shut her down. I feel like I’m going insane. If a relative was in a life or death situation and needed some funds, sure, I could spare some change. But not $1000 a month! Or any monthly payment for that matter.
I tried to compromise and said I would buy some school supplies or some clothes for her sister’s kids. (Who I feel are an innocent party here and shouldn’t suffer from there’s mom’s stupid decisions) She refused, saying it’s not enough. Either way, I really don’t want my hard earned money in the hands of her relatives who are notoriously bad with it.
I understand that family is important in Latin American culture. Has anyone in a similar situation dealt with something like this? How can we move past this?
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Basically that. Here's a bulletpoint list to give context:
When we started dating, very early on, he asked me if I wanted children. I was very clear that I did not want to have any kids biologically but that I was open to adoption, but even then I would not want to adopt a baby but a young kid, between 6 and 10 years old. I have no interest in being pregnant and giving birth and I have some real fears around that in general. He agreed with me and said that he too wanted to adopt and not have biological children. This was a big bonding thing for us, as it's not common for two people to agree on something like this so easily. Last time I had my IUD replaced I talked to him about him getting a vasectomy. The propeller of this idea was my doctor, who told me if we had no plans to conceived that it makes more sense for him to get this procedure done than me having to continue birth control. For those that don't know IUD insertions can be horrific, many of my friends and family have told me horror stories of theirs. Luckily my doctor is great and so mine have been manageable, still pretty terrible, but not as nightmarish as others. At the time of this conversation my husband agreed and said he would look into it. Skip to now. I'm due removing my IUD later this year and when I bring back the subject of vasectomy my husband starts pushing it aside. I bring up my fears in terms of continuing birth control and how that weights on me. Specially as we plan to move to a new city in the coming years, which means I'll need to find a doctor that's as good as the one I have right now, which is not always easy, specially for women. My husband opened up to me telling me he's not sure he wants to do the vasectomy because although it's reversible, there's no guaranteed that he could have kids after it. I remind him that I don't want to get pregnant at all, and that surrogacy would be so expensive there's no way we could do that either, and that we both had always talked about adoption being our preferred method. He then says something a long the lines of “we don't know what might happen in the future to either of us”, sorta hinting at me possibly passing away and him having to move on with his life and possibly then having a family with someone else. At this point I'm pretty upset, I feel like I was deceived. Still, I know that pushing would be hypocritical, I'm a strong believer on women's choices over their bodies, so to tell him he has to get this done is just wrong, regardless of how hurt I might feel. Even-so I resent him for this and it seems unfair that I have to carry the worst part of the consequences of his choice. Seems unfair that I have to continue with birth control methods that are horrible in one way or another, and risking my wellbeing, so that he neither has to get a vasectomy nor wear condoms during sex. So I've been wondering lately, if it would be assholy of me to follow our my original plan to not continue birth control, and instead using condoms again until I reach menopause.
I'm not gonna lie, a part of me wants to do this out of pettiness, because condoms make no difference to me during sex, while I know it makes a significant difference to him. The larger part of it is fear tho, around having to go through the insertion of the IUD again and again. I don't respond well to the pill, in fact I use the copper IUD to avoid any type of hormonal birth control, even though it's made my periods heavier and given me more painful cramps. There's also the aspect that he's backing out of the plan we've made, base on a lot of “what ifs” and leaving me to deal with the shitty side of his choice. I have to get a new IUD inserted, so he can both not use condoms nor get a vasectomy, because IF I die, and IF he moves one and IF he meets someone new, and IF this new person is able and willing to have biological kids with him, then he'll be able to.
So, yeah, would it be an asshole move to basically tell him that he'll have to wear condoms because I won't replace my IUD?
This relationship is not healthy for you and you should not be in it for any longer. I know what it's like to date someone in the closet but at age 26? Do you as an out and proud woman want that?
It's clear you two are in different places in your journey with your identity and she has a lot to figure out and a lot of trauma to heal from. While I know you want to be there for her, this isn't healthy for you and will only make things worse. Do not wait any longer, a year has been plenty.
I’m sorry but your husband is not a good man if he can’t see how his behavior has directly impacted your lives with your children for the worse.
You need to have a discussion with your husband about all you have written above and unfortunately you will probably need to make a decision. Have a positive and meaningful relationship with what seems like lovely children or stand ideally by a man who has no regard for children but only his image
There are so many signs that she shouldn't be dating. Plus, she hasn't gotten back to you so I would take that as a hint.
Good one 😉
He’s insecure tell him that and then block him lol it’s that easy
Tbh, this looks more like a try to baby trap OP. I'd suspect bf of breaking the condom on purpose. He just expected her to follow his every wish now since she can't escape. He tried to lure her far away from all her support system (family, friends) and to put her in a place of total control (it'd be 3vs1 in any case of argument, most likely). He didn't even freak out the slightest or ask how to help/ what she wants once. Pretty sure this was planned. Tbf, I'd rather break up than risking getting trapped/ not bring able to trust him ever.
that I had not recognized the signs of depression
Don't beat yourself up too much over it. It's a bit like “to miss the forest for the trees”. Unless you're really in tune with yourself – and even then! – you can miss those things. But it's easier for people close to us to see changes in us.
I'm glad you're getting help. 🙂 Remember that therapy isn't a magical cure that fixes you in a week or two. It'll take time, and that's okay and normal.
What helped (and helps) me is keeping a diary / journal. Maybe bring that up with your therapist. It can show you changes in emotions and behaviour, if kept regularly. It also helps to put two and two together, and to put things into words before talking to others about it.
Wishing you all the best!
feel too hurt “to the point of self harming” is threatening to hurt herself in an attempt to control u i have bpd and have been in therapy for it for years and thats not okay and is emotional abuse i hope u cut ties and process the severity of that toxic relationship in therapy
I’m 62 and I’ve had a life-long battle with my weight. At my heaviest, I weighed 347. I’m 5’ 11.5” tall. In my 20z, I weighed 230 and was 6’ 1” tall. I currently weigh 291 lbs.
I also have hypertension and Type II diabetes. I also have kidney damage from my hypertension. All of this because I didn’t exercise and watch what I.
Now, I understand what you’re saying as I felt the same way. But I wish I took better care of myself, I’d have more energy and would be healthier.
The whole point of it is to have a little bit of time by herself enjoying a pint on her own before she goes home.
Makes jokes about him having a big dick outside of sex. “Hey, did you how big this apple is?” “Like that dick!” “She we get the regular olives or the colossal ones?” “I like me olives like my man’s cock, colossal!”
That can really help. It shows you’re thinking about him sexually when not having sex and it’s s real confidence booster.