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Date: November 25, 2022
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Why would selfies be okay?
Girl, you need a dictionary because 2-4 times per week is not occasionally. If drugs are a dealbreaker, which it should be, then you need to leave. Don’t be a fool and think it’s not gonna be a problem.
To answer your title: No, I wouldn’t. Drugs are a dealbreaker for me.
Get the most ferocious lawyer you can find. Pretend like all is well if you can. Claim you're sick so you can avoid him until you retain council. Accept it's over, now you need to protect yourself. Grieve later.
I'm not sure why you got downvoted but you're 100% right.
The brother must've been getting horrifically abused himself & has a completely perverted sense of right & wrong when it comes to all things sexual.
It's very common for victims to become perptrators.
He should be in therapy & he should never be left alone with any children.
I agree she deserves to know, but I think that if OP reaches out to her without being asked, she isn't likely to listen/accept it, and OP will end up in some kind of drama while the other girl dismisses her as a jealous ex and dates the AH anyway
If she asks OP, or someone brings it up, OP should be honest.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Please don’t feel badly about your actions.
Go live a full, happy life. Don’t avoid events bc she may be there. Keep it cordial but keep it moving.
I agree. I think it's a bit of a red flag that he's already saying “what you think is best for us long term.” And i think you should be upfront.
“Hey I'm flattered you feel so certain about us so soon, but it's a little early to be judging me and making those comments. We are not a couple yet. We've been on one date and i did not agree to exclusivity with you. I'm exploring my options. If you want us to be an item, then we need more dates and you need to ask, not assume.”
Why can't you go with?
Lol break up that's cringe as fuck
Based on what I know he probably did treat his exes better. I just feel like I’m trying to mend broken glass here
It literally made me LOL I know how it sounds!! ?
Break ups rarely have a “bad guy”. They are a misery that is easier to endure by demonizing the person on the other side.
I've been married 16 years. Successful Relationships have very very very very very little to do with love. Love is why you get into a romantic relationship. It is why you do all the hard stuff it takes to maintain it.
Everyone walks their own path. Everyone has their own destination. You grow and change as a person every moment you breathe. You've got to be going to the same general place. You have to constantly leave your own path to travel your mates and vice versa. That way you have shared experiences and your both fully aware of each other's planned paths. I you…, no not if, WHEN, you change path your partner your partner was there and aware of the coming changes.
If your partner is heading somewhere you don't want to go, it's not because you don't love them.
You don't live a life for your partner if you are in it for the long haul. You live a life with them.
You love her but she's not the one to walk with you as a partner. You'll pull each other a way from where you want to go and that rarely ends well.
It's not about working harder to fix things because there is nothing broken.
You're good
She's good
You've both got shit to do and you can't do it together.
If you love someone, genuinely and without conditions, would you intentionally keep them from getting the things they need?
It's a death and it sucks.
It's change and it's inevitable.
You can beg and pray for God's to resurrect the dead I guess. IMO it's a better overall outcome if you accept and work through the grief instead.
It won't suck forever buddy. Do the right thing. Then just endure and endeavor to overcome losing a love for a little while.
Good luck.
Get rid of her ASAP
Yeah just ask her out.
The fact that's its the same woman is sticky cause there could be acyaul feeling there and who knows if he will act on them.
On the other hand coming clean sane day points to repentance. He knew it could make your friend leave him but came clean with no prompting right away.
I honestly have no idea if he will or not as the facts point both ways. I do know if you yell your friend he will and she loves him enough she might not listen. Be mindful of how you talk to her about it and maybe keep an eye out for warning signs.
Hmmm?! AP could have informed her about your cheating then conforted her with his pi-nis?! XD
I can't afford to be selfish.
For real. This is definitely what's happening here.
yeah, that's what i'm currently trying to do. i just feel so bad, i wish he knew from the other side how much it's not a big deal, or as bad as he's imagining 🙁
You in the hospital and she cheating? Leave and get a dog brother
also, being pregnant in your 40s is brutal, not to mention the extra possibility of complications.
You act like people who have been married for 40 years don’t go through these things. It’s not as easy as commenting “Off with their heads!” On reddit.
She's already bedded the guy. Or minimum she knows what co-worker she wants to bang.
You'll be back posting how much you regret this decision. He has a 8″ cock. Good luck.
If she's marriage material you'll lose her. I guarantee it.
We only accept the love we think we deserve. But you deserve more than this.
These are really manipulative sick psycho games he's playing – and blowing hot and cold with the proposal and then withdrawing again – I'd break things off, he sounds crazy. But be prepared that he could call your parents and tell them about the abortion, he sounds like he'd be vindictive.
This sounds like the dumbest advice ever, but I wish I understood it when I was in my 20's. You're 20. Plenty of time. So, just throw this up to experience and don't worry, you'll find love. As for sever it? Be honest with yourself. Will this now be a vulnerability to you emotionally or can you put it down and just be friends? Good luck OP.
Stop looking in high schools for your dates.
He was already home before he tested.
Or she.
I've seen people elope or get married with family in another country still have a bachelor party with friends back home. Even a court marriage one had a bachelor party, not 5 days, but if your friends are coming in from out of town, it makes sense to have a group vacation.
This is the best comment.
Seriously, the floppy thing during hook-ups is very normal. Every thinks they live in a porno until it happens. It's just biology, friend. Please don't be too “hard” on yourself, because it happens a great deal more than is ever talked about. Even people who have a bunch of experience with casual sex just can't do it sometimes. Either way, try not to think of it as the end of the world. Good luck!
No kidding! He calls himself out as a sociopath in it, and obviously he really is just completely, ruthlessly evil and self-absorbed. I was unfortunately involved with someone like this for 10 years, and he ruined my life.
You are 24, you are too old to be dating a teenager. And don't date your coworkers.
What light would you paint your husband in if he went to a concert when you were in the hospital with your newborn, just 24 hours old? And left his phone off? And never apologized saying he was given permission?
your “practically a child” defense would never hold up in court. (assuming this is the us) 18 is the legal age of consent in every state and 16 is the legal age of consent in many states. if she tried to take him to court they would at most give her 50/50 custody but why would she want that with a 6 year old child of whom she knows nothing about?
I'm probably the unpopular opinion here, but I think you made a mistake. Obviously there are acceptable reasons to leave a marriage but it sounds like you didn't give it a fair shot. Certainly he made his mistakes too but counseling was an opportunity to at least be open-minded. But you already had a foot out the door. From here, it sounds a lot like a very skewed representation of your situation. All of your reasoning sounds very forced and flimsy like you're trying to find reasons why your divorce was ok. Searching for reasons to make your extra-marital romance ok will hurt you later and hurts everyone else now. At this point, there is probably zero chance your ex husband will want to reconcile but you should do the right thing now and admit what you've done, take responsibility, and properly grieve.
Have you actually sat him down and talked to him about it? If so, what did he say? Did you check deleted messages? Honestly it doesn't sound like physical cheating, it sounds like he's getting caught up in having fun, and not realising that it's emotional cheating, or close to it. He's reminding me of a Labrador that fetched a live skunk, without realising he was meant to fetch the stick. Cheaters hide things, they project feelings of guilt, they don't share things with their spouse. I'm rather suspicious that he's not aware that what he's doing is inappropriate and could get him in a lot, and I mean a lot of trouble if she goes to HR.
It sounds like your husband has a crush on this coworker. He’s a little too eager about their interactions and about her in general.
That's kind of what I was afraid of, ugh. That makes me so sad (but i appreciate the honesty, I really really do, because I'd rather know). Can you elaborate on which part made you go from “maybe” to “yeah, he probably has a crush on her”?
I appreciate the suggestion re: meeting her, truly. I ultimately don't think it's a feasible suggestion. We live very far apart (think, opposite sides of a sprawling metro area – it would be a loooong drive). And even if the logistics somehow worked out, let's just say I honestly don't think my husband wants me and her to meet. This is purely a vibe and I can't point to anything specific but I think it would make him uncomfortable…
You make no sense here. It's on one hand, serious enough to blow a hole through their marriage but on the other hand it's not serious enough to say something? I'm not sure how you were able to reconcile these two things in your mind.
Yeah, if they have freaking ketchup available for him to do that with, then it's really not fancy or high end Korean BBQ lol.
Exactly lmao there is zero overlap between kbbq that has ketchup and kbbq where they would give even a single wet fart if you did this. I have literally never been to Korean BBQ place anywhere that has ketchup except this one place that also did fried chicken (and the ketchup was for the fries), this has to be one of the $35 a person ones run by Chinese people I would put money on it. I would honestly be less surprised if it wasn't even ketchup, it was chili sauce, and OP is an uncultured rube herself and couldn't tell the difference. It's always the least cultured people who get all uptight about other people embarrassing them at restaurants by eating wrong.
Annoying he would doctor up all the side veg with his flavorings, but I would have said something, like “Hey, for those of us who just want plain veg, can you leave half of it as is?”
Yeah that's a good point though, if he used all of the sides that would be an actual faux-pas, that's just rude in any context lol.
She us an adult who made a morally reprehensible decision. She needs to take some accountability for that. She’s not a victim here, and she is reaping what she sewed.
Agreed and he's fuckin with her psychologically so she does stay. Which is why she's questioning herself from leaving.
Well lucky you… you get the watch, and you get to buy yourself another expensive gift to celebrate your newfound financial security!
Just think about it that way instead of getting upset. So you didn’t get to buy the watch because your girlfriend bought it for you? Great! Now you can buy something else!
This is kind of stupid hill to die on. She tried to get you a gift, you wanted it anyway. Now you have some extra funds you can use to celebrate another way, maybe something flashy to go with the watch she got you.
It sounds like you said you wanted it, offered no context to your goal/reward, and then got mad when she bought you a gift you wanted. I wouldn’t give it to you either. It would be returned and I’d get a new boyfriend who could apologize for being rude as heck.
Given what you've said here regarding “other issues in the marriage” and that you've spent not just a course of months, or a year, but eight and this is still how you feel and are treated? I'm surprised you've waited so long.
There's certain boundaries you don't cross and given that Kelly also looked uncomfortable…..it's very not-OK to mess around joking about people's fertility, ability to have children etc and honestly this dynamic sounds pretty unfriendly and toxic if this is all considered “fine”. If anything it seems like the guys are getting together and the wives are just “tag-alongs” that aren't really keen on being there either.
Only you can know if, in concert with your “other issues” this justifies a Divorce or not and I would surmise that you've already spoken with him about whatever these are – as well as having spoken to him about this incident as well and each time it's led to an unconstructive result.
If that's the case? Well done on tolerating this all so far, I wish you luck on your journey to either enjoying time to yourself and/or finding someone who actually respects you as a person, wife and Woman all.
She is totally willing to do that. I am the one who shut down sexually in response to the fact that we couldn't have penetrative sex. It is my job to get out of avoidance.
We lasted so long together because we have an incredible emotional bond and chemistry.
I wonder if he just call it projects to call it important but in reality it is “restock the shelf” “decorate the shop-windows new”… i would say it is a big clothing chain. The big stores have hr.
Yes but if you read my post I said exactly the same. I agree, if she had brought it up like something she needed to go through so she could find herself, I would agree, she didn’t bring it like this. It’s like “this is going to happen if you agree or not”. It’s the attitude I’m having a problem with. BUT if it happened like you said (we weren’t there so we don’t know) then I agree. You both do some growing and try to find your way back to each other.
If I have a big decision and I know I might change my mind later, I wait a month. If I still want to do it in a month and have no doubts, I’ll do it. Maybe she can try that.
If she’s adamant she wants it – support her. It may or may not make her feel better but it’s her choice.
They didn’t “lie to you your whole life”, they just didn’t share intimate details that were (a) none of your business and (b) age inappropriate to share with an under 16 year old. Your fiancé is right, you need to get over it – they didn’t mistreat you, or abuse you, or otherwise harm you, they were adults doing adult things in an ethical way that had nothing to do with you
It has nothing to do with respecting you or not, and as for your demands that they should have stopped their sex life because you didn’t like it ??? you’re not the centre of the universe and at 22 and about to get married it’s about time you worked that out
OP was a literal child and had his entire world shattered.
Until he found out it wasn't an affair, it was concensual and OK with his dad. That isn't any more earth shattering than finding anything else about your parents sex life. This response, and OP's, is incredibly immature and self centered. In the realm of things parents do to screw up their kids this isnt even top 50.
Your parents have sex. Its probably weird some times. It might involve other people. It might be vanilla as all hell. Who knows. But theyre real people and its not some inherently evil concept.
After your parents emotional abandoned you as a child?
Why would you ever trust them again?
He is knowingly having unprotected sex. There is no trap. Sticking a fork in a live electric socket and getting shocked is not a trap either.
Yall act like staying single is a threat.
Getting into a bad relationship is.
You can occasionally watch porn without seeking it out on every platform..
The OP can just stay single. That works. She has that option.
Thank you.
Hard when you have no money ….
I think you need to have an honest discussion about her true feelings on why she's revisiting the past.
The very fact that she references him as the 'love of her life' is only diminishing your relationship with her. And that she then flips to how she hates him shows that she's still emotionally invested in her past with him.
Normally I'd say that you need boundaries on how she handles this, but I feel it's beyond that. She's obviously returning to her past life with her ex for a reason and you need to discuss that reason and her disrespectful, hurtful behaviour. Good luck.
What's that saying? You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.
Based purely off your post it sounds like he's not actually try to do anything to improve his situation. Its a vicious circle but I'd wager he's always going to be like this.
I honestly just don’t want many compliments to begin with
I know what it’s not about right now I’m fine with her being there now. I know that legal things take time but I’m talking about when she is able to work she’s gonna care to.
I think your husband is gay and has been using you as a cover-up. Did you use to have sex before you were married?
You already know what you have to do. He doesn’t respect you and at this point he won’t. He may think that you’d stay through anything just because you’ve been together so long. Also him having ‘breakdowns’ about you not looking more like what he has a fetish for is just straight up gross. Honestly, let him go have his fun while you find someone who will love you for you.
Yes I have gone out of town for weeks at a time and we still talk a lot! Thats the other confusing part. Despite all these facts, we text alllll the time
I would divorce
OP, your exGF's abusive behaviors cannot be excused — but perhaps can be explained, especially if you would speak to a psychologist in your city. They may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills she had no chance to learn in childhood). My exW has that problem. If it is an issue for your exGF, you likely would be seeing 4 other red flags.
The first is a strong abandonment fear. I therefore ask whether, a few months into your relationship, she started showing strong jealousy over harmless events involving other women — or tried to isolate you away from your close friends and family members? She would view your spending time with friends/family as your choosing them over her. Moreover, she usually would hate being alone by herself.
Second, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she tends to categorize some people as “all good” (“with me”) or “all bad” (“against me”) and will recategorize them — in just a few seconds — from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.
Because she also uses B-W thinking in judging HERSELF, she would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. Doing so would imply, in her mind, she is “all bad.” She thus would blame nearly all misfortunes/mistakes on you and view herself as “The Victim.”
Further, to “validate” her victim status, she would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend herself in the most insignificant disagreement with you. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like “you ALWAYS…” and “you NEVER….”
Third, you generally would not see her directing her anger at casual friends, coworkers, or total strangers. She usually gets along fine with them. Rather, her outbursts and temper tantrums almost exclusively would be directed against a close loved one (e.g., against you, a sibling, or her parents).
Fourth, you are convinced that she truly loves you. But you frequently see her flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you) — often making you feel like you're walking on eggshells around her. Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do. A few hours or days later, she can flip back just as quickly.
OP, have you been seeing strong occurrences of all 4 of these red flags?
I don't know what you expected. You're both 1-2 years out of high school yet you still committed to a life altering decision.
Let him go. It seems like he's triggered by your existence.
That's nasssssty he needs to shower or no sex
According to his post and comment history they're both students in a cheap apartment so he probably just uses her for sex and cheap rent at this point since it's definitely no longer companionship. I feel really bad for her.
Thank you very much. I needed to hear it. He is not pure evil but he has everything you said. And he always implements that I’m the stubborn one because I always stand by what I believe instead of accepting his truth.
Too tiring…
Some people are bad at that part though. They either haven’t gotten around to it or it’s painful. People grieve differently
Classic case of an anxious attachment style and an avoidant attachment style coming together.
How often do you text him? Once a day? 5 times a day?
As someone who is avoidant, I think it may be because he’s burned out. Not burned out from your relationship but burned out on people in general. The best way I found to deal with it is for the anxious person to tell me how often I need to respond to get keep them calm.
Can I simply respond once? Do you want me to tell you I don’t feel like talking today? Do I have to respond to every single text immediately?
These are a few things to talk to him about. You have opposite attachment styles which isn’t a bad thing (opposites attract) but it’s best to also think about what he’s thinking on the other side. Give him options. He wants to work on it but probably doesn’t know how to pacify your anxiety while still keeping to himself a bit more.
It's the night before your birthday, not your birthday.
Honestly, this might be a you problem.
How can he be out of your league? Dude is going out of his way to cheat and keep up. Doubting this much effort to pose as a good chess player is the total extent of what a bullshit artist he is in his life.
“Why are you cheating at a board game? Me and my brother both think it's wack”
“YOU NEED TO MOVE IN WITH ME AND STOP THINKING ABOUT FUCKING YOUR BROTHER!!!!”
Insert aneurism here
Amen. I thought exactly the same thing when I saw it. And she’s still there with him making babies.
Some people just can’t handle knowing about the sex life of their partner before them.
Why do you keep putting up with and enabling his bullshit?
I'm glad to hear you have someone who can help you navigate.
It could be possible there isn't someone else, but all cheaters reassure their partners there isn't anyone else.
It actually doesn't matter he has moved on in his mind and heart and you don't need anyone like that in your life.
I'm glad to hear you have someone who can help you navigate.
It could be possible there isn't someone else, but all cheaters reassure their partners there isn't anyone else.
It actually doesn't matter he has moved on in his mind and heart and you don't need anyone like that in your life.
A friend and I had an interesting conversation about the idea that your primary romantic/love partner doesn't have to meet all of your needs. And that we don't demand that of our friends (who we can love as much as our partners).
She's in a poly relationship and it just clicked for me then how that makes sense.
I think you come off as a bit much, but whether that’s the case or not, he seems like a horrible partner.
You’re right to be upset about it, but now what? He obviously doesn’t agree. Do you just let it go?
Who is backtracking. You’re also agreeing to what I said. We both agree there is something wrong with keeping something as big as that hidden after a certain amount of time.
The issue is you’re making claims in general and assume that applies to everyone. Hey you met a guy that only wants to fuck, let’s assume everyone operates that way. No. It’s not like that for everyone.
And to your point yeah maybe there are people who do want to just fuck. I guess it really depends who and where you meet these people.
Yeah this family is literal garbage.
They're also fictional.
Girl, insult them back. They’re being assholes on purpose. Nothing wrong with being one back. You’re successful! They’re just being hateful. And if your boyfriend has been witnessing this then RUN
This would be an actually NO for me. Storming into your office, cyber stalking your co worker. I think your wife has a guilty conscience.
I think y'all need couples counseling, and she needs individual counseling like right away. She needs to get to the bottom of all these insecurities she's having. Can you think of anything that could have triggered this behavior? Like and changes in routine or schedule? Have you been staying late more often or anything like that?
Maybe offer her open access to your devices so she doesn't have to sneak around. And share your location with her so she can check until she calms down. That's honestly all I can think of other than therapy.
You don’t like your life enough that you made this post. Time to have a serious conversation with her.
I wouldn't tell my kid anything but I might ask whether rushing it is a good idea, whether they've thought about this or that possible consequence of what they're doing. If they have thought about it, fine, if they haven't, well I've just mentioned it, so they can think about it now.
Op sorry about this,I think it is not a good situation for you. Find out why he chose this friend. There are so many Women to do this to. Why someone you both know?Good luck
You are allowed to message him and ask whatever you want, just don't expect answers that will make you happy.
Lots of recently divorced people purposefully search out relationships where they can fuck around with no real attachments or consequences. How much actual evidence do you have that he's really divorced? A lot of guys tell women they are divorced long before they really are just to try it out.
Op.. I disagree with a lot of people about the lieing thing and her age. Don’t focus on her age but what she is acting like. She may want to be with someone more mature and was afraid you wouldn’t date her because of her age. If her age really matters that much then she was right and you should come clean and break it off. But if it doesn’t matter that much to you then let her know that it doesn’t matter and try to talk everything over calmly like the adults you are. Let her know part of being an adult is not lieing about things and addressing everything head on. If y’all are meant to be then it will work out. If not then go your separate ways.
There’s no magic solution. He’s obviously going to find someone else unless you see him. I would suggest that you may be seeing the wrong therapist if you can’t go out after a year with this one.
I’ve been married to my husband for almost 10 years and we have a 4 year old together. He also adopted my 11 year old from a previous relationship.
I would absolutely leave if I found out he had an unknown child with another woman. I can see how people would think it’s unfair but the difference is he knew and accepted my having previous children before we entered the relationship. Having it sprung on you changes the entire basis of the relationship.
You don't have an emotional attachment with your friends that interferes with your marriage. This woman does not respect your marriage.
Your husband needs to set boundaries with this woman. He was interested in her before. She turned him down. He met you & you were a safe bet.
He's got the best of both worlds.
If I were him, I’d plan a solo daddy / daughter getaway one of the other three weekends she isn’t “clamping”
Leave. You're not safe. He is already abusing you by locking you out and the other stuff you described.
She BROKE UP WITH HIM. Can you read?
She BROKE UP WITH HIM. Can you read?
She BROKE UP WITH HIM. Can you read?
She BROKE UP WITH HIM. Can you read?