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hey guys! halloween special, can you think of naughty things ? trick or treat ? [405 tokens remaining]
Date: October 31, 2022
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My *now husband always said that. He was neeeeever getting married. We had 3 kids first but we did get married this past February! I never pressured him. It wasn’t a deal breaker for me and I was cool either way. We even had the big ole wedding and all that. It was shocking to me and everyone who knows him lol.
Have you talked to her family? Or her family?
Hope you’re not planning on adding a baby to this equation anytime soon…if he’s like this with a dog…he’ll be like this with a baby too. In other words, don’t expect him to help with that kid any more then he helps with the dog…and dogs are easier than babies.
I think I like the idea of wrapping things separately to see him being excited, the thing is he doesn't have a setup yet, only a laptop, which is why things probably take too long to be processed. But that sounds like fun. After reading all of the comments, I think I will talk to him about this before making a big purchase.
If my significant other and I were in that situation, there’s no way in hell I’d be leaving her in a car to sleep and piss in a bottle while I’m going into a buddy’s house. I’d be in the car with her. That’s insane.
If my significant other and I were in that situation, there’s no way in hell I’d be leaving her in a car to sleep and piss in a bottle while I’m going into a buddy’s house. I’d be in the car with her. That’s insane.
Yeah I literally can't stand it
Understood
Yeah you are having an affair and need to come clean to your husband and find a new job.
She's keeping her options open. Sending you virtual ?. It's a horrible situation to be in. What she's doing is totally unfair on you, because while she's keeping one foot in the door you can't move on. Trust me if she really wanted you she would not be doing this
You will meet someone who appreciates you more. The fact that you say you're weak tells ne your a good guy. You're not weak either. You are one of the good guys. She will see that once she's been used by the not so nice guys.
Try and hang out with Yr friends. You need a distraction, try and keep yourself busy. ?
? I mean in Texas that’s a house ?
I am a woman and I don't believe anyone has the right to hit anyone else. Anyone who beats on you is abusive and you should not remain with that person. No one should stay in an abusive relationship. Luckily this woman warned you in advance.
What I as a woman expect from a large man is to get things off the top shelves where I can't reach. To carry heavy packages and things like that. Never as a punching bag.
I hope you have better luck in future with your relationships.
What ypu should do is ognore it and stop caring about what she's doing.
Let's add for context we have a 11 year old child together as well. I'm black, they are white. The justice system would throw me under the jail if I stood my ground and his mother knows it. She cyber bullied me while I was pregnant, moved him 4 hours away to Dallas, and called cps on me, as well as took me to court on “grandparents rights” to try to get full custody. Luckily I got full custody and they got supervised. Keep in mind he was in the dark about all of this. He didn't find out until we talked about the past last year. He offered to cut his mother off to be with me but by that time I had made up my mind that I would never be apart of that women's family. Now I love him on my time without having to deal with his mom.
I will do but it says “looks like you're trying to post a throwaway post as my karma is too low”, do I post from a different new account?
They kind of gaslighted you into believing your legitimate boundaries were actually insecurities! Impressive!
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If you've been fighting for a long time and he brings up old issues, then what is worth saving? You both need a lot of counseling to learn better skills in arguing like not bringing up the past over and over again. Sounds like your husband has a lot of regrets and resentment about the marriage. Can you imagine things being different at 5 or 10 years of it?
I only feel bad for the son, he has only know her husband to be his father – and this knowledge may change their relationship. He’s innocent in all of this.
So say he confesses to cheating. Why would you want to “work things out” with a man who by your own admission has cheated on you the whole of your relationship?
Do you think he’ll change suddenly? Do you think he’ll suddenly realise he loves you so much he’ll never cheat again?
He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. He cares so little for you that he is constantly out and about looking for other women then coming back home to you and sleeping like he’s innocent.
I’ll try meditation too. Hopefully it works
It is really easy to have a short love. It is really hard to have long term love with someone because there are so many things that can be a turn off in the long run. Like different direction/stage of life, incompatibility, cohabitation behaviors, behavioral changes throughout life, etc. It is really hard to find that good fit long term. So it is totally normal to start falling out of love after the rose tinted glasses are off. Cause now you are seeing it objectively and realizing maybe you aren't really looking for a long term relationship with this sort of person. It is just a reality check that you are not with the right match.
What happens when the next guy it’s the same thing? Rinse and repeat until you realize you messed up. I think you are making things up in your head to be wrong since everything is okay. The next guy might have everything your ex was missing but also missing everything else. If you aren’t in it anymore just tell him tbh
It sounds like you met someone who is a scared(or hesitant) of commitment. There are many reasons this could be something awful or just some personal growth type things. Honestly our feeling can deceive us about reality sometimes so it can be smart to take space and really think and process things through. To my judgement it sound like she is simply trying to be practical and wise. The thrill of emotional “in-love” feelings will not hold a relationship together longterm and space is a good way to assess if there is more than the excitement of the moment.
My opinion is to give her space and when the week is up just continue your relationship as before unless she “needs to talk”. Taking a short time to think when things are getting more serious is not an automatic red flag moment.
Sorry, I don't have Facebook to see that link.
Your statement is kind of contradicted by your context however?
Thank you for providing information on adoptions however.
This right here. This sounds like a perfect case for that sub. I would also add she didn't cheat on you 14 years ago. She cheated on you until the day she told you. She spent 14 years cheating on you and humiliating you. She drove and did everything for him while picking you only because of your money.
It's 100% time to walk away or if you reconcile take back all the power. Treat her like the cheater and worthless woman she is at this moment.
What's there to be panicked about? Are you in immediate danger?
If so, there are women's shelters. If not just start getting your ducks in a row so you are not trapped.
Very, very unlikely you can change him (particularly with your adversarial approach). But you might look into Daryl Davis and his methods. Can't imagine living that way though.
I mean that would be perfect but realistically speaking it’s hard from me working overnight to us not living together and then our 5yr old isn’t biological mine it would never be her own time unless she spent a night over her gma house or something I try to give her that time by telling them to come over and dealing with the kids but that doesn’t work
UPDATE: His wife saw my message and blocked me
Better say bye then
Run like hell
The good thing is that you and your fiance clearly have great communication with each other. For that reason alone, you two may very well have a future together. Postponing the wedding sure is a lot easier said than done what with deposits and cancellation fees, but it may be for the best in this situation in order to give both of you actual time to process this situation and think.
In the meantime, you'll also want to look into child support laws and talk with the mother of your child about how she would like to proceed. Not going to tell you how you should live your life, but most people would agree that attempting to coparent would be far better than being another absentee father. You also may want to get another DNA test done just to be sure– depending on the method used/individuals involved, they can be faulty.
Two things can be true. He is an asshole and disrespects you, and your self esteem is also not his to develop or maintain. What are you getting out of this relationship, something that doesn’t have anything to do with how much time you’ve already been together.
My concern would be the safety of your condoms and him stealthing. I would not trust him to not destroy/tamper with and keep on a condom.
Yes, exactly. I felt like my whole body was under attack. I haven’t had the same physical reactions to stress since being with my husband. But I move through these emotions more quickly now. Thank you for your support about leaving my marriage. I haven’t shared his behaviors out of fear of losing anonymity but they were shitty. And I still beat myself up about calling it abuse because he wasn’t physically violent, but Jesus Christ emotional abuse is so fucking painful. Im standing up for myself for the first time and I’m not doing it gracefully.
Did you ever meet his kids? And if you didn’t, didn’t you think that was weird?
They are.
Probably is a combination of everything you mentioned at the end. Ask her on a date, and be clear you’re asking her on a date, not just hanging out as friends. Then it’s up to you when you want to “confess”
I mean if this is the first thing like this over 8 months? That could be something you can bounce back from, but I have a feeling (because I’ve been in her shoes) there’s been some things building up and this was the straw that broke the camels back. But that’s just stipulation on my end. You guys need to have an in person chitchat while also showing her she’s your “#1”.
Her child. Not yours. Huge difference.
His use of a derogatory name is emotional abuse. Anyone would find this name to be a put down.
He's not doing this because you deserve it. He's doing it because putting you down makes him feel good.
You are the victim of abuse. Love is not a solid reason to tolerate abuse.
Ghost and block him. Love yourself first.
Mmm don't think I will but Im also trying to be realistic given his past history
He's a loser. You got to drop him. I'm sorry that he's making you feel this way.
So sorry about your parents' passing, OP. Condolences. Thank goodness your brother is there to lend you support at such a hard time. I'll be honest, I wouldn't want to stay married, let alone have a kid with anyone like your husband. He should try to comfort you and stay by your side, knowing how sad and vulnerable you are at the moment. Instead, he seems so excited for money that isn't even going to be his. Wtf. I'd divorce his ass straight away. The way he's showing you his true self is just gross. Please find someone who cares more about you than his theoretical pie from the sky that technically (highly likely) won't ever be his. Stick with your remaining immediate family. Only you can help each other out.
I'm surprised you let the GF drag this on as long as you did. She is clearly an idiot without a drop of empathy who loves to fetishise things she doesn't understand or care to learn about.
Does she think her parents were pedos for changing her nappy/ diaper as a baby or was she raised by wolves and only got education through porn?
After checking your post history, It seems leaving her would be doing your girlfriend a huge favor .
Move on, your not ready
You said you wouldn't do it if she was uncomfortable and she was clearly uncomfortable if she was “skeptical” as you claim.
Most of the time (unless you both specify otherwise) discussion of 'hall passes' is a hypothetical thing within a monogamous relationship.
Obvs if you were poly you'd not need a hall pass.
Hopefully she just breaks up with you!
I’m just going off from when you said “if he can’t cook”
That is their culture and it is not to her advantage to cross them.
The son's wife that lives across the street with her in-laws told me that because she doesn't share their religion the mother wouldn't let the son who was in his twenties and working date her. He did anyway and the mother saw them together at McDonalds and threw him out of the house. The daughter-in-law changed her religion to suit the mother and now she's married and living there. But the mother runs the house.
Unless they are abusing your girlfriend, let it go.
So yeah…you don’t get to “woe is me” on her anymore ever. Blaming her for your mistakes…and doing it out loud at a child who will believe you…shouldn’t have taken 30 years to sort out.
You spend this entire post talking about yourself and your feelings but you also don’t take any responsibility for anything. And here’s the thing: it’s all your responsibility. You were pressured, yes, and may have faced consequences if you chose differently. But you did choose. You chose to have sex, to get married, to not give Julia up for adoption, and to not give her up later on (because you were worried what her step father would think, not out of concern for her).
You want to fix this? Stop acting like you had a gun to your head and own up to your choices and failures. Julia sounds justified in her resentment and anger. You don’t get to choose how she feels. Even if she wasn’t justified you don’t get to choose how she feels. If you want a relationship with her—and not just feel entitled to one, but genuinely want to build one whatever that will look like—then you need to accept her feelings and attempt to make amends. Acknowledge what you did. Acknowledge your failings. Accept what she tells you. Accept her feelings. Accept it if she tells you she doesn’t want you around. And if she does decide to try with you then accept that you are gonna have to do most of the heavy lifting because it isn’t her trying to rebuild things here. Nor is any part of this her responsibility.
And honestly stop thinking about yourself so much. You aren’t entitled to much of anything from her. Sorry being a parent involves responsibility and sacrifice, but it does and that’s how it is.
You can frame it by giving her an example of what this would be similar to you pulling for her birthday. Like taking her backpacking for a week on her birthday where she has to take time off and doesn't even like camping. Or taking her to one of YOUR favorite sports games, when she could care less about sports
I still don't believe it was sexual assault like most of you say, and more of me reading the situation wrong, but it was wrong of me to do it when I knew he didn't want to take it any further than kissing.
That's assault and you know it. You just don't to take accountability for your actions.
I hope he manages to get a place instead of staying with someone who doesn't know what consent is.
She was with her friends and not doing anything wrong. I’m a survivor of assault, and your logic is very much victim blaming. I don’t drink much anymore, but the idea that a woman simply drinking with friends (not vomiting, crying, trying to drive or do something reckless, not in danger) requires a man to physically remove her is insane.
She was with her friends and not doing anything wrong. I’m a survivor of assault, and your logic is very much victim blaming. I don’t drink much anymore, but the idea that a woman simply drinking with friends (not vomiting, crying, trying to drive or do something reckless, not in danger) requires a man to physically remove her is insane.
It sounds like you’re doing your best. Hopefully you’ll work something out. My BF moved in recently and it’s made things so much easier.
Leave it. Your gf was more attuned than they were.
Hahaha I can understand that. I wouldn’t forgive my husband either! You could try a deep hair conditioning mask too alongside a clarifying shampoo. Maybe also try a vinegar rinse.
He doesn’t like me to do that tho
I'm willing to wait and see
You don't have that kind of time if you want kids in your future.
500 a month per child?! How? I’m a full grown adult and spend around 250€ a month on food. Is the USA really that expensive?
Someone taking an entire year off after graduating University isn’t that strange (privileged maybe.. but not strange lol)
I was in the middle of the woods with no internet connectivity and the biggest issue I had with Google GPS is that it couldn't tell which way I was facing.
Typical…a guy gets a girl roommate and immediately starts to sleep with her. Just sleep with her and get it over with.
yup yup I agree completely
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I 24f have been married to my husband for almost a year. We were all at my sisters 21st birthday two nights ago. Everyone was drunk, some doing random drugs(coke, pot, I think shrooms were there. I’m not exactly sure because some people brought their own), I know my husband had smoked some pot, and was super drunk. My sister as well. I was sober, I recently found out I was pregnant so I just stayed in the house except for cake and gifts. (everyone was in the backyard)
After food was exchanged I was outside eating and couldn’t find my sister or my husband. I went looking and found them in a room together in bed. They were just kissing, fully clothed. But I started shouting. They started freaking out and I left, leaving my husband there. He got dropped off at home about 15 minutes later, and passed out. I had already started packing my stuff by morning and my husband acted confused but I knew it was BS. He said he must’ve gotten confused and thought it was me, he was really drunk and admitted to taking a tab of acid.
Though my sister and I do look very similar, I was in no mood to hear. I left for my moms and I have been there since. My sister hasn’t texted me at all or reached out. My husband has been spamming me with apologies and even brought flowers and my favorite breakfast to my moms doorstep. I’m having a baby with this man. I’m at a loss. Advice?
Speaking as a daughter of a woman who was cheated on and left her husband, my father, I would have been pretty disappointed if mom had given him any chances.
Your kids are human people and future adults. They can make their own decisions about their parents. I doubt he'll get a lot of sympathy.
He saved some of them.
Ahh…I see. Well I’m a newbie to anything like that. Building with someone and being with them that long I couldn’t imagine. That probably was a difficult situation. Thank you, me too! ??
To hell with the cannabis thing. On the other hand, I feel for you, man. My advice: don’t try to change people. You can only suggest change. But this might be a sunk cost.
Bye
I said his naivete. If it isn't clear to you, welp, you'll just have to work it out for yourself.
Definitely her age is a factor – it is messy combination of dementia, functioning alcoholism, and a lifetime of zero filter. I am sort of hoping it was because she had a few extra glasses of wine, because the idea that she would say it sober and of sound mind is much harder to process. Thanks very much for the advice
Just be very direct. “This is not the relationship I want. Goodbye forever”
I mean, you could always just recognise you're old enough to sort yourself out, apologise for taking your ego dint out on her and make it work. Bet you won't, though ?
Regardless of the outcome, what does it speak about my character that I just completely went against my family’s wishes and broke their trust?
2am = drunken booty call.
Speaking as someone who's partner left and came back, he is probably more reserved because he is aware that you can leave at any time. Sure the first time hurts, but he lost you once he can do it again. Sucks but I always approach things as more emotionally detached now in case they do actually leave again. He is protecting himself by the sounds of it.
Save time and divorce immediately. Your wife will NEVER welcome your flesh and blood into her house and will make her miserable.
It will only be a stable healthy relationship if both parties want the same thing
Yes yes yes. I suffered from vaginismus for most of my life and if her dilating is causing her this much pain she needs to stop because she’s pushing past her limits and creating even more negative associations and pathways.
I know how hard it is to suffer from this condition but it’s not fair for her to pin this on OP – especially in such a manipulative way. It sounds like she mentally isn’t ready to have sex and has no desire to and so she won’t be able to work through it.
I was horny as all hell and it still took me months to work through it once I knew how to treat it. And even now I need to be really in the mood for sex or I’ll still have discomfort.
She needs therapy to work through her feelings.
Dude don’t your over thinking it. You likely won’t see these people again after the year is over. Just ask her out. Don’t be overly serious about it just just ask her on a casual 1 on 1 date to go to mini golf or whatever y’all like to do. If she says yes, great. If she says no just say alright and move on. It only becomes a big deal if you make it one.
No, you make time for the ones you love and commit to plans so they feel valued and loved. This definitely isn’t fair to you and your feelings are valid. If you continue to feel unhappy, you might need to have a firmer conversation about how this makes you feel. We need to fully trust our partners will show up when they say they will. Unless it was something serious preventing her from showing up, but it seems like it is pure lack of excitement or interest.
You're the only one that seems to care about being “healthy” or improving the way you argue. You've tried to tell him and he won't/can't make the changes.
At this point you need to decide if you will live with it or not. Don't waste your time by continuously begging him for something he won't do. You either settle for the way he is now or move on.
I've been with a guy like this; it's just exhausting.
At some point you have to stop researching, reading books about relationships, sharing articles, and just realize that 1 person can't fix a problem shared by 2 people.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
She wants to leave it open to a possible hook up at the wedding. It’s really that simple.
First of all, he WILL wear a condom each and every time. This is not negotiable. If he says anything at all about it, I'm a virgin, why don't you trust me, I have read wearing a condom is not good for a man~~~don't do it, Op.
*We both said that we never had any intimate relationships before*
And?
I can say I have never done X, Y, and Z. I can SAY I have never done all kinds of things. Does that mean you should believe me?
*would it be rude for me to ask that both of us get an STD test before we go further?*
It would not be rude at all, Op!
I think it shows your mind of being responsible for both of your well being!
Look, you are considering being romantically and sexually involved with someone, correct? Being romantically and sexually vulnerable is MAJOR!
If you can't be honest and ask for an STD test OR him having a problem with it… why would you even allow being so~~~ physically vulnerable?
So wearing a certain, particular colored garment to a wedding would be grounds to cut someone out of a family?
That family wouldn’t be one I would want to be in in the first place then…
This all sounds so petty. Don’t you have anything else to worry about than the color of a dress?
I'm willing to bet that few things harpoon a relationship faster than emasculation.
He thinks you can survive as a family of three, with a mortgage, on an income of 52K? Honestly this sounds like a weird ego thing that he needs to work out in therapy on this own. He's making no practical sense, and is being patronizing and misogynistic on top of it. No thank you to kids with this man at this time.
Indeed. She’s on yet another outting with the friend group. Afterwards I think I’ll delicately bring it up.
I feel for you, OP. My husband and I got married 'later' in life, so we ended up with two of a lot of things when we combined households. No one needs 2 toasters and we definitely didn't need 3 of them.
We just put 'no gifts, please' and spread the word that we didn't need anything (including money). Friends helped us with that. Did everyone listen to us? No. But, it really curtailed what could have been.
Some people brought cards, some with money. But, we didn't get that much and I didn't want people to feel obligated.
Let it just be “no gifts, please. Just come and celebrate with us.”
I understand you feel strongly about this, but don't be an AH about it, either. Your wife can write the thank you notes.
a man who gets upset at you for being a victim is not a man worth being with
Sociopath. Knows triggers, implants a future (events), chameleon personality, adapts and reflects your likes as his, threatened by other males, scamming.
It seems you are unhappy with your recent move. Maybe he's concerned about something similar happening with him.
Or the, “My man doesn’t wash his butt hole because he thinks it’s gay to ever touch it. As a result, I don’t like giving head because of the poop smell.”
And we all have to assume he doesn’t wipe, either.