Thank you for all your posts, this is how I feel to. So many comments made me realise this is so difficult for me because as a society we based all the value on money because capitalism and by all the answers I get a good overlook on different opinions and some are more on my husband side, some are more what I think and believe.
I just wanted to add that all these posts made me also think about family backgrounds we both have, because I was provided more through my family and when we met he had no income but started working really hard and learned to code and now after a few different jobs he works for a good and fair pay. And I do the same things I did when we met and I believe he thinks that because he made a bigger leap from no income to high income he now feels I didnt follow in his steps.
But from my perspective. When he moved in with me I did 90% od all the chores on the yearly basis and I also work. That being said. I provided the time he needed to learn to code with doing most of the chores most of the time so I was left with way less time to be able to code. Now there are some super people out there who would be able to learn to code after working & doing most of the chores but I am not one of them because I also need sleep.
He said many times that he would take higher chore load if I learned to code but when he sees me doing the dishes and cleaning he never says – go learn to code and I will do this things today but he has this you have to show me first that you want to learn attitude before I start helping you by making more chores and it is a wishious circle.
*disclaimer: we are from a lower BDP country which means that coders, who can work for companies in other countries,… are paid more than doctors who are the highest salary in public sector. What I do is public sector and I am payed minimum wage, and he gets pay an enormous amount even considering other jobs in our country for a less than 40 hours work/week.
He thinks that helping with our son while I work is pulling his weight. He does have a job but it is just enough money to pay for his personal bills. I guess I’m heartbroken because he is making it out to be that I am the only one at fault here.
You were fwb with someone 10 years older than you because, to put it nicely, you were looking for maturity. He was fwb with someone 10 years younger than him because he isn't mature. After three years he dipped on you. That tells you all you need to know about who and what you were to him.
This is the most closure you will get. Keri him blocked and if he finds a way around it then block him again. I'm sure he will keep playing games with you as long as you let him so you need to create that boundary if you really want to.
Talk to her and ask her if she ever see's herself having a future of having children etc. And that if she does, how she plans on coping with parenthood. You need to refuse to keep her company some of the time, it's not particularly healthy and it will kill off intimacy and desire in the relationship. It is important for you to both have your own lives outside of each other. Get her to see her doctor and enquire about whether there are any new things which could help her condition.
Right now you're being too much of a parent to someone to ever envision them being a parent. Not everyone is cut out to handle being in a relationship with someone who has a disability. If you're to stay together, you need to both think about better ways to manage this condition.
You make some good points. It’s definitely something I should consider but I’ve always disliked therapists and the last time I went they ignored me the entire session and instead opted to tell my parents to discipline me more. Left a sour taste in my mouth but I suppose past is past and I should man up and stop dragging her down with me as a result. Thanks
I would absolutely not move in with someone in the midst of a big fight and after one or more “breaks”. Living with someone successfully requires security and your relationship has no security.
And after reading your story about Germany, I don't know why either of you are in this relationship in the first place. It sounds miserable for both of you.
Looking at you profile, it seems like this might be your first big relationship after a divorce. After a big life change, it is common to attribute importance on the “rebound” relationship that may or may not be there. I would really sit and think of what you get out of this relationship and whether you might be better off ending it and starting again with someone new. Don't let momentum keep you in an unhappy situation.
Your boyfriend either didn't explain himself properly or he might be conflicted
That's what I was thinking too. Maybe he's a afraid of the potencial that a white person has of do something racist, like for example, I'm scared of man in the same way, I rationally know that not all man will hurt me or other woman but this dosen't make me less afraid in certain situations. Our brain is not always logical in this situations.
And I think OP needs to listen and ask more questions about how her boyfriend have experience racism and she absolutely need to not take what he say a personal attack like I understand she's doing.
Thank you for all your posts, this is how I feel to. So many comments made me realise this is so difficult for me because as a society we based all the value on money because capitalism and by all the answers I get a good overlook on different opinions and some are more on my husband side, some are more what I think and believe.
I just wanted to add that all these posts made me also think about family backgrounds we both have, because I was provided more through my family and when we met he had no income but started working really hard and learned to code and now after a few different jobs he works for a good and fair pay. And I do the same things I did when we met and I believe he thinks that because he made a bigger leap from no income to high income he now feels I didnt follow in his steps.
But from my perspective. When he moved in with me I did 90% od all the chores on the yearly basis and I also work. That being said. I provided the time he needed to learn to code with doing most of the chores most of the time so I was left with way less time to be able to code. Now there are some super people out there who would be able to learn to code after working & doing most of the chores but I am not one of them because I also need sleep.
He said many times that he would take higher chore load if I learned to code but when he sees me doing the dishes and cleaning he never says – go learn to code and I will do this things today but he has this you have to show me first that you want to learn attitude before I start helping you by making more chores and it is a wishious circle.
*disclaimer: we are from a lower BDP country which means that coders, who can work for companies in other countries,… are paid more than doctors who are the highest salary in public sector. What I do is public sector and I am payed minimum wage, and he gets pay an enormous amount even considering other jobs in our country for a less than 40 hours work/week.
He thinks that helping with our son while I work is pulling his weight. He does have a job but it is just enough money to pay for his personal bills. I guess I’m heartbroken because he is making it out to be that I am the only one at fault here.
You were fwb with someone 10 years older than you because, to put it nicely, you were looking for maturity. He was fwb with someone 10 years younger than him because he isn't mature. After three years he dipped on you. That tells you all you need to know about who and what you were to him.
This is the most closure you will get. Keri him blocked and if he finds a way around it then block him again. I'm sure he will keep playing games with you as long as you let him so you need to create that boundary if you really want to.
It's time for you to be the mature one.
Talk to her and ask her if she ever see's herself having a future of having children etc. And that if she does, how she plans on coping with parenthood. You need to refuse to keep her company some of the time, it's not particularly healthy and it will kill off intimacy and desire in the relationship. It is important for you to both have your own lives outside of each other. Get her to see her doctor and enquire about whether there are any new things which could help her condition.
Right now you're being too much of a parent to someone to ever envision them being a parent. Not everyone is cut out to handle being in a relationship with someone who has a disability. If you're to stay together, you need to both think about better ways to manage this condition.
You make some good points. It’s definitely something I should consider but I’ve always disliked therapists and the last time I went they ignored me the entire session and instead opted to tell my parents to discipline me more. Left a sour taste in my mouth but I suppose past is past and I should man up and stop dragging her down with me as a result. Thanks
Does he floss?
I would absolutely not move in with someone in the midst of a big fight and after one or more “breaks”. Living with someone successfully requires security and your relationship has no security.
And after reading your story about Germany, I don't know why either of you are in this relationship in the first place. It sounds miserable for both of you.
Looking at you profile, it seems like this might be your first big relationship after a divorce. After a big life change, it is common to attribute importance on the “rebound” relationship that may or may not be there. I would really sit and think of what you get out of this relationship and whether you might be better off ending it and starting again with someone new. Don't let momentum keep you in an unhappy situation.
Good luck.
you are so pathetic lmaaaoooooo
Your boyfriend either didn't explain himself properly or he might be conflicted
That's what I was thinking too. Maybe he's a afraid of the potencial that a white person has of do something racist, like for example, I'm scared of man in the same way, I rationally know that not all man will hurt me or other woman but this dosen't make me less afraid in certain situations. Our brain is not always logical in this situations.
And I think OP needs to listen and ask more questions about how her boyfriend have experience racism and she absolutely need to not take what he say a personal attack like I understand she's doing.