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Date: October 1, 2022
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I also haven't drank or smoked weed (only 19), but I still believe that neither of you are in the wrong. It seems like he's setting it as a firm boundary.
Your wife likes women.
But I can’t believe you stayed with her this long regardless of the sex problems. She never put any real thought into your gifts, and she’d rather go to lunch with her friends than pick you up from the hospital??? Wtf?
When I was miscarrying my husband (now ex) dropped me off at the hospital doors…
If he had fainted, I would see it as a sign of how upset he was because of how much he cared about me and the baby.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I don't see anything wrong with not trusting medications, but I do think you'd benefit from some talk therapy. One thing that struck me is you kept mentioning not having any friends. I agree that sounds lonely, but why and how did this happen? Being in a relationship shouldn't prevent people from having outside interests and friends to hang with.
The other issue might be your ages. When people get together at 17, this almost never lasts, because there's so much growing and changing right around the corner. The dynamics that worked at 17 don't work any longer. I mention it because I can see why you're feeling overwhelmed. You don't know adult life without your partner in it, so you have nothing to compare to.
You didn't say anything about talking to your gf, or what you've discussed. I definitely think you want to start there.
Finally, when you say that whatever path you choose can “make or break” you, don't do this to yourself! Life doesn't work that way and you're only 27. This is another area where talk therapy might help. You're allowed to make mistakes, and we all do it. The point is to learn from them.
So their plan is to live with you forever? If so, you have a decision to make eventually.
This isolation mentality is a them problem. Moving countries requires adaption and integration.
Emotionally guilting you both has a time limit before you both want your own lives and choices.
It is in the media, so the association exists in people's minds.
I'm sorry, but are you actually telling us there are two options here for all of this and one of them is to try to save your marriage?
I would definitely recommend therapy, but for you, to help you figure out why saving this marriage is even in your brain!
The next time your ex-husband calls you tell him the next time you talk to him you want both of your lawyers in the room.
But, before you do that, take half of the cash in the joint bank accounts and put it in an account in your name only. Make sure you have documents for any and all joint credit cards, retirement accounts (his and yours), get a current mortgage statement, anything related to your finances at all.
If you need to buy some time, do what I did to my serial cheating ex and tell him you need some time to think and will get back to him in a couple days or so.
Once you've met with an attorney, once the paperwork is filed, arrange to meet him for lunch “to discuss” things, and that's when you have him served with the divorce. Do this in a public place, preferably his work cafeteria, surrounded by people he knows and has been pulling the wool over they're eyes like he's some kind of saint and you the crazy one, and when he's served, you stand up, throw your napkin down on the table, and say in a loud voice, “THAT'S what fucking your sister gets you!” And walk away with your head high.
Update?
Dude sounds like a good guy. It just sounds like you two aren’t compatible. Also high and low sex drives aren’t exclusive to male or female. Everyone has their own thing.
There are so many red flags here. This man can’t tolerate you doing things in your life that don’t revolve around him, so he badgers you about it, throws a fit, disrespects your boundaries, and repeatedly argues about it. In addition, when you didn’t change your plans to pick up his child, he shamed you for it. And now he’s got you feeling guilty about it. Ugh.
Look, you sound awesome. You sound like a well-rounded, interesting people who’s got their head screwed on straight. If you stay with this guy, he will pick and pick and pick at you until you fit into the mold he wants. There will be none to little of you left. And it’s great that you help out with his child here and there, but she’s not your responsibility, and he clearly wants the woman he dates to become a nanny for her. That doesn’t sound like you at all. And why would you want it to be? You’re young and single and not a mom and you enjoy your time to yourself. This that is wonderful!
I see that you’ve responded to other suggestions with “I’ll try that,” but nothing you do will change the fact that the guy you’re dating doesn’t respect you or your choices.
Late reply, but to answer, she chooses her b-day dinners as do I for my b-day. She likes fancy restaurants, especially for birthdays. As stated in my OP, we eat out every weekend — $100 is right around average for our weekends out (anywhere between $60 – $100 depending where we go). I planned the year's V-day dinner and yes, chose the place for the both of us and she loved it from what I could tell. Part of the reasoning I picked this place is because I knew she'd like it.
We've been together for 12 years. Going on 13 in 2023. Trust me, I'm not picking these expensive places just because I think she'd like it, but because I know she would. Dunno if that makes sense.
Trying to get money out of him before they split is a shitty thing to do. It's fraud.