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1. I had the same but with an ex bf.

   I'm happily married and it took me a better part of a decade to get over him (ex).

   Look at it this way; is it going to matter in five years when you have a family and the life you want? Is there sometime your missing that maybe your current gf isn't fulfilling, communicate your feelings to your gf.

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2. Seems to me that OP does consent tho. Maybe it's not the way she wants things to go but she still consents to it. Unless I missed something.

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3. J has moved on and is happy with girlfriend. Why would you even consider telling him anything while he’s happily in a relationship? It’s not even okay that you are with T while harbouring feelings for J, you actually want to disrupt J’s relationship.

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4. She is remorseful and I’ve been able to tell for a few days – she’s not sleeping. Which is partly why I’ve confronted her as the secret was impacting us both so much. Good question about the bars, I haven’t asked, but I think the answer would be no – she goes out with her girls frequently which I’ve always been ok with… but now I don’t know what to do

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