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Anna * Annamonik.com *see me on twitch.tv/anna_monik, 27 y.o.
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Date: October 6, 2022
Honestly, if this has been going on for years and there has been no improvement despite numerous attempts to bring it up and meeting with a couples therapist, then I don't know what else you think there might be left to do.
Your fiancé is clearly gaslighting you, to a ridiculous extent even, and your only advantage in the situation is that you still recognise it and haven't quite lost your sanity yet. I think you should use what is left of that sanity to ask yourself the question of why you aren't leaving yet.
If your fiancé wanted to acknowledge that he has a problem, he would have done so by now, and then he would also already have made an effort to work on himself. But he hasn't, he has just taken the problem even further by not just making things up when he talks to you but also doing it when he talks to your couples therapist.
Me too. Thank you.
I think that it is OK for him to do it. But it's also OK for you to not want to be with someone who wants to do this.
My argument is saying you cannot be fully committed to someone unless you're married is bullshit. Does that mean gay people in places they can't marry are fully committed? I say absolutely not and it's a baffling mindset.
You're married to a gay drug addict.. The answers seem obvious.
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Looks like you guys don't share the same morals and values. That happens. You need to decide for yourself whether you want to continue being friends with someone sleeping with a married man.
On the other hand, you should also consider that maybe he's in an open relationship, or there's more here than you know, and that whom she's sleeping with is none of your business.
Chose what makes you happy. If you like the way things are going right now, why change it just to make someone else happy? That's just going to make you miserable.
make the relationship healthier?
First of all – stop invading his privacy. Seriously. I know you want people to look past that but asking how to make a relationship healthier but wanting to ignore the massive unhealthy betrayal of basically reading his journal is ridiculous.
You're asking for advice on how to build a castle on a foundation of mud. You only know there are issues because you breached his trust. While you can take on board what he says, and actually start listening to him and giving weight to his opinions, fact is all your growth will be on the basis of your breach of trust. I then suspect that if the relationship improves, you will use it to justify snooping more because you will think the end justifies the means.
Own up to snooping, tell him you want to work on the relationship and any issues he might have (including your breach of trust) and work forward from there, if he wants to.
You’re dating, not married. You shouldn’t be funding her school. And neither of you should be listening to her parents if they’re not even helping her with school.
She is an adult and should be making her own decisions. What does SHE want?
Yeah I saw that too, had to introduce myself to them every day. But I thought that once you stop the therapy the zombie/ memory issues go away. It’s just during the therapy phase? I’m sorry that this world is so hard! Sending love!
Does he know where you live? If he doesn't, just don't tell him anything and cut contact.
First, you need to figure out what you want. In fact, even your post has different statements. “I have been trying to reduce interactions” is very different from “I want him to leave me tf alone”. Do you want contact or don't you? Depending on your answer, you need to take different actions.
In the end, though, it all boils down to boundaries. You need to set them (“I will not stand for you talking to me that way”) and if he oversteps them, you need to enact consequences (leaving, cutting contact, filing a no-contact-order, ending phone calls, calling the police if he shows up at your place unwanted… however much or little you want).
If he ruins your day by reaching out, don't let him reach out. Tell him to leave you alone. If he doesn't, block.
If he patronizes you, tell him you won't allow him to talk to you like that. If he does, leave/end the phone call.
You can't magically make him understand or change. You can't change him at all or “get him to” do something. You can only change your reactions to his behavior. Right now, this is happening because he is being an asshole and you are letting it happen. I'm not saying that it is easy to not let it happen anymore, as this is obviously something that has been ingrained since years and change is horribly difficult. But if you aren't depending on him in any way or form – and it doesn't sound like you are – then technically, you have absolutely the ability to cut him off completely if you want to.
Well. Are you going to stop drinking? Because if you don't, nothing will change.
Good for you for knowing your self worth. You did the right thing.
I'm 38/f and anyone under 30 at this point feels like a baby, last time I was single at 33 I had teenagers clamoring for me on tinder and it just felt weird even though they were legal. I can't imagine actually starting a relationship with someone that young.
I also deleted our Playlist we shared for when I’d drive us to dates, deleted our pictures off my social media as well. However she kept hers up for a few days after the break up and then told me once she deleted them that she felt sad deleting the posts since they were such happy moments. Along with this stated she still wears the jewelry I gave to her when I asked her out, along with the “25” Charm on her charm bracelet (the day I asked her out) as she said it’s a reminder of a loving relationship and good memories and she had no plan to take it or the jewelry off. Do you guys think i’m over reacting in regards to her possibly talking to other guys already? and should possibly just give her time to come around? or just completely cut ties with her etc?
????
His foster sister took advantage of him
It's not clear from your post or your comments whether you included this part in your disclosure to Scarlett. If you did, I can understand why her husband is upset. Obviously, the DNA test was the catalyst and there was not much you could do to conceal who her mother was at that point.
But, knowing that you were conceived out of such a terrible act and not love could do a number on a person. Hopefully, therapy is available to your daughter regardless of whether this part was included in your disclosure or not.
She must not know what subjective sexual arousal disorder is then ?
Not all bodies are the same, miss.
Oh my. She made up 2 different stories about the tests. At the very least she’s a liar. Nobody keeps pregnancy tests at home for someone else. Her friend or sister could run out, pick up a test, take it and never take it to their home. The tests are for your girlfriend. If she’s not cheating, she’s planning to.
She hasn't moved on from the EX. You need to take care of yourself.
Just a heads up, I currently can’t see any comments that come through
You say that you love him, but also that you're not attracted to him. People love their dogs that way. You did the right thing to break up.
I always get so irritated reading about these situations.
It's supposed to be a partnership, you're supposed to be there for eachother, but I keep finding stories about these men and women that just take and give nothing in return.
I'm very sorry about your miscarriage, and the following might make a complete asshole, but at least you're not tied to him for the next 18 years.
Good on you for getting out though.
Definitely a red flag
Exactly. Love this comment.
And plus, “small” is subjective anyway. For all we know, OP’s gf could be used to taking 9” dicks, so her perception of normal is skewed.
I’m not saying OP should stay in this relationship, personally I’m not sure if I would be able to if I were in his shoes. That’s a pretty hurtful thing to say to someone and I’m not sure why she even felt the need to say that, drunk or not.. (and I don’t really buy her “blacked out after 9pm” story); I also don’t think he should let this follow him around to future relationships. I know that’s easier said than done, but I hope he knows that one woman’s opinion isn’t even necessarily a reflection of reality, and even if it is, so what. There are plenty of women, like myself, who prefer dicks on the smaller side. A lot of guys think I’m lying when I say this, or just trying to make them feel better, but for me it is 110% true. It’s very hard for me to enjoy sex with an above average dick. Usually it just ends up being painful, and nobody likes unintentionally painful sex.
OP I hope you’re able to find someone who loves your body the way it is. I think everyone deserves that. Best of luck.
First thing is to have a conversation with her about it. Not just about the fact that she said a hurtful thing while drunk, but about whether this really is a issue with sex and she's been unsatisfied with things. Is she holding back to spare your feelings? What can the two of you do to improve things?
If your size really is an issue for you (more important how you feel about it than her, frankly), you could look into surgical options. It's not something we like to think about, but there are surgeries to address this issue.
But i dont think a relationship will come to an end because a mother didnt like person.
You would really enjoy being in a long term relationship with someone who's family hate you? It's a perfectly reasonable reason to break up.
You shouldn't be with anyone who is testing you like this. It's not normal. He's too old to be playing these stupid games
Do you even want to be in a sexless relationship?
My husband and I got engaged after only knowing each other two months. Of course we were Mormon, so that’s the entire reason why. Is she from a strict religious upbringing where marrying before sex is the norm? That’s the only way I could see her response being somewhat understandable. Otherwise seems she’s being manipulative.
Him needing to change his behaviour is something he needs to do for himself, you can't do it for him and this isn't your responsibility to fix. There's a plethora of therapeutic options out there, 'My girlfriend needs to tip toe around normal life situations and calm me down.' isn't one of them… So what is he actually doing to correct this? If nothing, it's time for you to get out of there..
She sounds incredibly controlling.
…no. Also not helpful. Thanks!
Not 100% sure what you mean by this?
The moral tribulations of cheaters. Some people have it rough.
LISTEN. This is bad. He might not suck totally, but THIS behavior SUCKS.
i hate it when people say mean remarks unprompted and try to make it seem that its just honesty. if they're only being “honest” negatively, it usually means they enjoy bringing you down. makes them feel better about themselves.
I swear the men who comment on women‘s bodies look like my left foot? like noone asked Brad go cry somewhere else
I think it’s best to steer clear of mentioning size, but a compliment that seems to be much appreciated is just being vocal about how good it feels. Don’t say it’s the perfect size, focus on sharing how amazing it is. That way he gets to feel good about himself and it’s not as easy to misconstrue it as confirmation that you think about his size