This is something you should only ask him in person. Not to sound too harsh OP but sending a text is the worst possible thing you could do, he’ll probably get freaked out and ghost you. That’s what I would do and have done, I’m just being honest here. Don’t text it!
Just bring it up casually the next time y’all meet up in person. Casual but still like you care enough to take things further.
Don’t text! And if he says no then it his loss not yours. At least you had the guts to ask.
Agreed; I find it a bit heartbreaking that such a huge violation of her and all these women in his life wasn't an immediate deal breaker for her. I hope she starts to see her own value at some point and learns how she should expect to be treated in a healthy and committed relationship with a good partner.
I swear; all young people, especially young women, need to be offered a course to teach them all the things it's okay to expect from your partners and friends, what you should refuse to put up with, effective communication, how to compromise and all the other things that most of us end up learning in our 20s through a series of bad romantic partners/friendship fallouts.
'How to Have Fulfilling Interpersonal Relationships: Platonic and Romantic' … should be a life skills course. So many people have deficiencies in their social skills and even more people get long-term emotional damage from spending way too much time in unhealthy relationships without realizing it. In general, I find it strange that we don't do any instruction on social interactions/relationships considering how important social skills are in our daily lives
Try giving long oral set we’re your both using cream(ice cream,whipped cream)and saliva to make you both come and once you’re well lubricated let him try again and keep doing this until you feel comfortable. Either you will give him the best head he’s ever had or he’ll learn to eat you better.
This is an extremely complicated situation and it would be helpful to get therapy for it. You are in your mid twenties and the majority of people your age have past relationship experiences including sexual. Say you got into a relationship with someone else who is a virgin. You are no longer such and according to your logic the relationship would be less than because you have had prior relationship experiences.
I get it though. It's not logical but it's hard thinking of your partner having experiences that aren't with you when you don't have the same. I personally feel hurt sometimes that my boyfriend has had previous relationships. I've had previous relationships and was even married but all of them were abusive so knowing he can look at his past positively hurts. Yet at some point you will reach all these milestones that they will have only experienced with you. This may or may not be with your current partner. You'll find someone where it's both your first time moving in together, getting married, having kids, ten year relationship, or any other number of relationship markers. There are still a lot of important milestones to reach and have be exclusive between the two of you.
Now onto the issue of sexual compatibility. If you both enjoyed your time together that would be great. Don't assume that just because your gf has had other sexual experiences that any of them were good. She is with you after all not them so clearly you're doing something right. Some people view sex differently than others, for some it's really meaningful but for others it's purely physical. I would calmly take space and think about what does sex mean to you. Is it something only done out of love and based on the emotional connection? Is it just hot and sweaty fun? Whatever it is it is okay. Then ask your girlfriend calmly what she is for her. It could be you two have very different views on sex that make you incompatible or it could be something you two can move forward from. For example a demisexual person isn't often thought of as compatible with a pansexual person. Relationships are hard to figure out but there isn't anything wrong with having past relationship experiences, it sometimes just means your not compatible.
As a therapist, I would encourage OP’s gf to identify why exactly she’s uncomfortable with him watching porn. There may be more to it that we do not understand and by confronting the fear associated with him watching porn, they may be able to work through it or come to a compromise that works for both of them. But generally, watching porn together can be a positive way to connect with your partner on an intimate level. If porn starts to replace sexual intimacy between partners is when I believe it can become problematic.
The deadbedroom (s?) subreddit might be worth a visit. Never been there, but from what I've read, the people there might be able to help better than here.
Couples therapy pronto. In my specific case, my ex lost her sexual desire for me, but never admitted it, as she loved the financial security I provided. That answer became readily apparent when nothing else changed, other than her taking care of her sexual needs with someone else.
Couples therapy will hopefully give you the answers to save your marriage or remove the life support that it currently is on.
When you learn something like this, it can lead to a fundamental re-evaluation of the relationship. You do not say how long you have been dating, but if your GF does not know you well or been with you for long, it is a major red flag.
Give her some space and offer to talk if she would like. Be open. Let her access your phone and bank accounts, for example, if she wants to verify there is nothing suspicious going on like seeing escorts or child support payments to another child.
If she does not want to date further, that is her choice. You can look at it as a good thing–if something major popped up, she might not stick around to support you.
I mean no disrespect to your GF. I would need to rethink the relationship and possibly even leave if my partner revealed she had a secret child.
It sounds like you may be misreading the relationship between your cousin and his girlfriend/ girl who is his friend. It doesn't seem likely your cousins would give the girl your contact info if they were in a serious relationship. I'd check back with your cousin to see if it was ok to start dating the girl.
High school teacher? Long Distance at her age? Are you kidding me? Teachers, cops, nurses, and the military have the highest infidelity rates out of all the professions. This is a bad idea. Please do not get married; retract your engagement, and wait it out. This is not a good age for a long-distance relationship and not what you want to do with your first years of marriage. You don't want that: no compromise. You suspect she will get too attached to the place she works. You know what time it is…
OP you are too young and naive for this relationship just as everyone else has said he's playing you. It's obvious you're his Affair partner and the fact he is living with his ex whom he dated for two years come on he's playing you for a fool
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Lots of comments focusing on the physical. You’ve said you are most attracted to who you thought he was as a person, her character, etc. Ask her where this person went, bc she is sounding shallow as hell and taking it out on you. I’d feel exactly the same, op.
I dunno. Part of me is so vindictive haha – get In super good shape, don’t let her even touch you. Find a 30-something that’s hot af
My suspicion is that the gf IS aware of this and what happened is that she told her husband he’s going to need to pick up the slack since she’s going to be saddled with so many additional responsibilities. He’s throwing a fit about how he wants things to go back to the way they were and she’s saying no, you’re going to need to support me while I spend 6 months recovering from childbirth and physically exhausted feeding and caring for this infant.
It sounds like a double standard. I would make sure to have a discussion about the unfairness of her comments. If you allow this to continue you will begin to feel resentment over her control of your spending, and not keeping the same standard for herself.
As in the first paragraph : seems just unfortunate. Things do get weird in the second one though, which although I wouldn’t call it prostitution… just don’t do it again, even if you still have feelings for her. This isn’t going anywhere good.
Your recent edit breaks my heart. What a horrible thing your husband did to you. You're in Canada, so am I. I had a chemical abortion about the same week level you were. It was a very good decision from me, and was relatively painless. It cost me $40 bucks in Ontario. I know food and living is shit right now, so if you need any help covering the costs if this is a route you want to take, send me a Dm and I can try to help.
I think she will feel most secure if she is making her own money. I don't think you giving her any amount of money will make her feel secure. What is her career?
it is selfish. It seems completely obvious that it’s selfish to agree to have and raise the child with her then leave once he’s only 5 months old.
You’re right you are 21. But you also have the responsibility of raising a kid, it’s not possible to be a full time parent away from the child. Interesting that you chose now to decide you’re tired of sharing space.
The thing is that you lied to him because you know he is insecure. You lied to him because you knew if you told him the truth, he'd get mad. But he got mad anyway. And now he's “punishing” you by blocking you.
This relationship is so deeply unhealthy. Your boyfriend does not trust you and this situation will keep happening over and over again.
I would also let him. The family might think he's funny but I guarantee everyone else would think he's a fucking moron. I'd even take pictures of him and have them in the house so I can point out what an idiot my BIL was to everyone who asked about it
… for your own actions ??? of course you are. Sir you are an adult. You know that if you never wanted this you weren’t left with no other option other than cheating you very much could have broken up with her but you also didn’t want to end the relationship. You can’t just turn around and blame her for your weakness now it comes time for people to see you for who you really are. It’s not like she’s lying about your character. You did cheat on her.
With a kiddo that young she might be overloaded on physical contact. You've made lots of suggestions/requests but I don't see you asking her if there's any particular reason why she's not in the mood or what you could do to help.
Women in heterosexual relationships usually do more domestic labour, especially childcare, even when they're working as much or more and that can be tiring. I know I was in a relationship where he refused to clean up after himself and I felt like his mom which totally killed my libido.
Maybe she just needs more buildup (flirting throughout the day/week) or more affection that doesn't come with the expectation/pressure for sex. You need to talk to her, dude.
Damage done already, but marrying someone with a lower sex drive, keeping your kinks secret, and then becoming frustrated that she doesn't change after you've essentially baby-trapped her was a real bad plan.
Woah dude, you are directing your frustration out on the wrong person dummy.
You should be THANKING that guard because he was warning your GF of some cretin that lives in your building finding out which apartment she lives in and what her relationship status is.
I’d talk to building administration about the tenant trying to find out personal information about another tenant.
I think you’d miss the point if it but you right on the nose dude. The problem is there is a creepy tenant and the security guard was warning your GF because that’s very inappropriate behaviour.
Ok, I a middle aged woman. You know how many friends with man-child husbands and ex-husbands I know?
A lot.
IT DOESN'T GET BETTER, IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE.
Yeah, you get married have kids, they won't help with the kids, they always have excuses, their josb, they are tired, the don't knowbwhat to do, some of get get bold it is your job!!!, but guess what? You work and you have to do all the shit, yes always all the time, you wont get help, ever. This kind of behavior it's so hard to change it, he has to want to, and they prefer to be slobs, it is easy and someone will do it or it will stay like that, they don't care.
Mind you I do have 3 friends were the wife is the one that doesn't do much.
Some things are ok to do temporarily. Carrying someone isn't. Bc it isn't temporary, you're setting a standard that you're ok with going forward. Always make sure it's something you can live with in the long term, and that whoever else is involved (be it parents, friends, gfs .. personal or business) is on the same page
I have. She believes these to be completely normal and believes we should have those experiences first, such as living together and going on a long vaca. Which is where I got the idea in my head and honestly agree with her thoughts. She also believes it is because I am a “libra” which is why I hate the change and why I am so anxious of the near future of moving in together. (She's very into that astral sign stuff and uses it for all her major decision makings.) I am just worried that these intrusive thoughts might have me resenting the relationship over time.
Nothing. You are. And your reaction is completely normal.
How long have you two been together?
This is something you should only ask him in person. Not to sound too harsh OP but sending a text is the worst possible thing you could do, he’ll probably get freaked out and ghost you. That’s what I would do and have done, I’m just being honest here. Don’t text it!
Just bring it up casually the next time y’all meet up in person. Casual but still like you care enough to take things further.
Don’t text! And if he says no then it his loss not yours. At least you had the guts to ask.
Agreed; I find it a bit heartbreaking that such a huge violation of her and all these women in his life wasn't an immediate deal breaker for her. I hope she starts to see her own value at some point and learns how she should expect to be treated in a healthy and committed relationship with a good partner.
I swear; all young people, especially young women, need to be offered a course to teach them all the things it's okay to expect from your partners and friends, what you should refuse to put up with, effective communication, how to compromise and all the other things that most of us end up learning in our 20s through a series of bad romantic partners/friendship fallouts.
'How to Have Fulfilling Interpersonal Relationships: Platonic and Romantic' … should be a life skills course. So many people have deficiencies in their social skills and even more people get long-term emotional damage from spending way too much time in unhealthy relationships without realizing it. In general, I find it strange that we don't do any instruction on social interactions/relationships considering how important social skills are in our daily lives
Try giving long oral set we’re your both using cream(ice cream,whipped cream)and saliva to make you both come and once you’re well lubricated let him try again and keep doing this until you feel comfortable. Either you will give him the best head he’s ever had or he’ll learn to eat you better.
This is an extremely complicated situation and it would be helpful to get therapy for it. You are in your mid twenties and the majority of people your age have past relationship experiences including sexual. Say you got into a relationship with someone else who is a virgin. You are no longer such and according to your logic the relationship would be less than because you have had prior relationship experiences.
I get it though. It's not logical but it's hard thinking of your partner having experiences that aren't with you when you don't have the same. I personally feel hurt sometimes that my boyfriend has had previous relationships. I've had previous relationships and was even married but all of them were abusive so knowing he can look at his past positively hurts. Yet at some point you will reach all these milestones that they will have only experienced with you. This may or may not be with your current partner. You'll find someone where it's both your first time moving in together, getting married, having kids, ten year relationship, or any other number of relationship markers. There are still a lot of important milestones to reach and have be exclusive between the two of you.
Now onto the issue of sexual compatibility. If you both enjoyed your time together that would be great. Don't assume that just because your gf has had other sexual experiences that any of them were good. She is with you after all not them so clearly you're doing something right. Some people view sex differently than others, for some it's really meaningful but for others it's purely physical. I would calmly take space and think about what does sex mean to you. Is it something only done out of love and based on the emotional connection? Is it just hot and sweaty fun? Whatever it is it is okay. Then ask your girlfriend calmly what she is for her. It could be you two have very different views on sex that make you incompatible or it could be something you two can move forward from. For example a demisexual person isn't often thought of as compatible with a pansexual person. Relationships are hard to figure out but there isn't anything wrong with having past relationship experiences, it sometimes just means your not compatible.
As a therapist, I would encourage OP’s gf to identify why exactly she’s uncomfortable with him watching porn. There may be more to it that we do not understand and by confronting the fear associated with him watching porn, they may be able to work through it or come to a compromise that works for both of them. But generally, watching porn together can be a positive way to connect with your partner on an intimate level. If porn starts to replace sexual intimacy between partners is when I believe it can become problematic.
Insecurity
Porn is for lonely people.
The deadbedroom (s?) subreddit might be worth a visit. Never been there, but from what I've read, the people there might be able to help better than here.
Couples therapy pronto. In my specific case, my ex lost her sexual desire for me, but never admitted it, as she loved the financial security I provided. That answer became readily apparent when nothing else changed, other than her taking care of her sexual needs with someone else.
Couples therapy will hopefully give you the answers to save your marriage or remove the life support that it currently is on.
I'm really sorry that you had to find out like this, that your husband cheated on you, betrayed your trust and even lied about it.
A comment resonates very well with what I'd always mentioned. He is not sorry at all, he is only sorry that he was caught.
Especially when you two married only this year, and he already cheated on you.
Could you elaborate?
My parents
When you learn something like this, it can lead to a fundamental re-evaluation of the relationship. You do not say how long you have been dating, but if your GF does not know you well or been with you for long, it is a major red flag.
Give her some space and offer to talk if she would like. Be open. Let her access your phone and bank accounts, for example, if she wants to verify there is nothing suspicious going on like seeing escorts or child support payments to another child.
If she does not want to date further, that is her choice. You can look at it as a good thing–if something major popped up, she might not stick around to support you.
I mean no disrespect to your GF. I would need to rethink the relationship and possibly even leave if my partner revealed she had a secret child.
I already told him
It sounds like you may be misreading the relationship between your cousin and his girlfriend/ girl who is his friend. It doesn't seem likely your cousins would give the girl your contact info if they were in a serious relationship. I'd check back with your cousin to see if it was ok to start dating the girl.
Not saying it's okay but that's how a lot of people are when it comes to games. They are way too competitive and take it too seriously
High school teacher? Long Distance at her age? Are you kidding me? Teachers, cops, nurses, and the military have the highest infidelity rates out of all the professions. This is a bad idea. Please do not get married; retract your engagement, and wait it out. This is not a good age for a long-distance relationship and not what you want to do with your first years of marriage. You don't want that: no compromise. You suspect she will get too attached to the place she works. You know what time it is…
OP you are too young and naive for this relationship just as everyone else has said he's playing you. It's obvious you're his Affair partner and the fact he is living with his ex whom he dated for two years come on he's playing you for a fool
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Lots of comments focusing on the physical. You’ve said you are most attracted to who you thought he was as a person, her character, etc. Ask her where this person went, bc she is sounding shallow as hell and taking it out on you. I’d feel exactly the same, op.
I dunno. Part of me is so vindictive haha – get In super good shape, don’t let her even touch you. Find a 30-something that’s hot af
the issue isn't her doing something extra, it's her not respecting him not being in mood.
My suspicion is that the gf IS aware of this and what happened is that she told her husband he’s going to need to pick up the slack since she’s going to be saddled with so many additional responsibilities. He’s throwing a fit about how he wants things to go back to the way they were and she’s saying no, you’re going to need to support me while I spend 6 months recovering from childbirth and physically exhausted feeding and caring for this infant.
No. You will end up with a restraining order.
Yes
Block him back, and move on. You’re 18, don’t waste your time on someone who isn’t ecstatic to be with you.
It sounds like a double standard. I would make sure to have a discussion about the unfairness of her comments. If you allow this to continue you will begin to feel resentment over her control of your spending, and not keeping the same standard for herself.
What's your question? Welcome to marriage. You earn it and she spends it. Pretty standard.
As in the first paragraph : seems just unfortunate. Things do get weird in the second one though, which although I wouldn’t call it prostitution… just don’t do it again, even if you still have feelings for her. This isn’t going anywhere good.
People tend to downvote bdsm when they don't understand it, it's not your fault 🙂
Why are you so upset?
Your recent edit breaks my heart. What a horrible thing your husband did to you. You're in Canada, so am I. I had a chemical abortion about the same week level you were. It was a very good decision from me, and was relatively painless. It cost me $40 bucks in Ontario. I know food and living is shit right now, so if you need any help covering the costs if this is a route you want to take, send me a Dm and I can try to help.
I think she will feel most secure if she is making her own money. I don't think you giving her any amount of money will make her feel secure. What is her career?
it is selfish. It seems completely obvious that it’s selfish to agree to have and raise the child with her then leave once he’s only 5 months old.
You’re right you are 21. But you also have the responsibility of raising a kid, it’s not possible to be a full time parent away from the child. Interesting that you chose now to decide you’re tired of sharing space.
She didn’t cheat dude. I’m just wondering if she drove home that night.
The thing is that you lied to him because you know he is insecure. You lied to him because you knew if you told him the truth, he'd get mad. But he got mad anyway. And now he's “punishing” you by blocking you.
This relationship is so deeply unhealthy. Your boyfriend does not trust you and this situation will keep happening over and over again.
This is not love.
You re evaluate a few things.. that’s what you do..
what sane person is jealous of a body pillow ..
next if you have a fave blanket she’s going to say it’s cheating …
tell her to grow up.
I would also let him. The family might think he's funny but I guarantee everyone else would think he's a fucking moron. I'd even take pictures of him and have them in the house so I can point out what an idiot my BIL was to everyone who asked about it
So am i still in the wrong ?
… for your own actions ??? of course you are. Sir you are an adult. You know that if you never wanted this you weren’t left with no other option other than cheating you very much could have broken up with her but you also didn’t want to end the relationship. You can’t just turn around and blame her for your weakness now it comes time for people to see you for who you really are. It’s not like she’s lying about your character. You did cheat on her.
With a kiddo that young she might be overloaded on physical contact. You've made lots of suggestions/requests but I don't see you asking her if there's any particular reason why she's not in the mood or what you could do to help.
Women in heterosexual relationships usually do more domestic labour, especially childcare, even when they're working as much or more and that can be tiring. I know I was in a relationship where he refused to clean up after himself and I felt like his mom which totally killed my libido.
Maybe she just needs more buildup (flirting throughout the day/week) or more affection that doesn't come with the expectation/pressure for sex. You need to talk to her, dude.
Damage done already, but marrying someone with a lower sex drive, keeping your kinks secret, and then becoming frustrated that she doesn't change after you've essentially baby-trapped her was a real bad plan.
Woah dude, you are directing your frustration out on the wrong person dummy.
You should be THANKING that guard because he was warning your GF of some cretin that lives in your building finding out which apartment she lives in and what her relationship status is.
I’d talk to building administration about the tenant trying to find out personal information about another tenant.
I think you’d miss the point if it but you right on the nose dude. The problem is there is a creepy tenant and the security guard was warning your GF because that’s very inappropriate behaviour.
Well start by not text typing. People will understand you better when you spell out the words.
If you're their manager just fire them? This is sexual harassment with a nice side bit of stalking.
Warn them all this is unacceptable, go to the gym at the normal time, if random dude shows up there again fire him.
Ok, I a middle aged woman. You know how many friends with man-child husbands and ex-husbands I know?
A lot.
IT DOESN'T GET BETTER, IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE.
Yeah, you get married have kids, they won't help with the kids, they always have excuses, their josb, they are tired, the don't knowbwhat to do, some of get get bold it is your job!!!, but guess what? You work and you have to do all the shit, yes always all the time, you wont get help, ever. This kind of behavior it's so hard to change it, he has to want to, and they prefer to be slobs, it is easy and someone will do it or it will stay like that, they don't care.
Mind you I do have 3 friends were the wife is the one that doesn't do much.
77 is an exaggerated number
Some things are ok to do temporarily. Carrying someone isn't. Bc it isn't temporary, you're setting a standard that you're ok with going forward. Always make sure it's something you can live with in the long term, and that whoever else is involved (be it parents, friends, gfs .. personal or business) is on the same page
I have. She believes these to be completely normal and believes we should have those experiences first, such as living together and going on a long vaca. Which is where I got the idea in my head and honestly agree with her thoughts. She also believes it is because I am a “libra” which is why I hate the change and why I am so anxious of the near future of moving in together. (She's very into that astral sign stuff and uses it for all her major decision makings.) I am just worried that these intrusive thoughts might have me resenting the relationship over time.
she could be using it as an excuse, doesn’t mean this post is cap