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Date: October 10, 2022
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WeekendPussy
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Are you able to imagine a future with your husband knowing that he doesn't feel it is necessary to include you in who he is texting or communicating with? In your original post, he commented that she was “just a friend” but now he refuses to explain this friendship. There are ways that you can access his data on his phone and or computer and then you will know everything that you want to know about it. But before you do, realize that once you read it and it burns itself into your memory that you can never erase it. And regardless of the wording, you will never look at him the same way again.
You also mentioned you were in a worse place than before. You need to protect yourself. If you know in your gut what is going on you have the choice of trying to make it work or protecting yourself.
If he agrees go to couples counseling to work on the marriage. Choose a counselor who excels with couples. Not every counselor is skilled enough to do this.
Most importantly – Start to work on an exit plan.
LAWYER – Find a good lawyer – Most will meet you or speak to you over the phone for a complimentary call to answer some questions. Be prepared for the call by writing down any questions you have beforehand. Nothing is off limits to tell the lawyer so that they can best represent you.
FINANCES – start a new bank account away from your normal bank. Start saving whatever you can. Takes copies of all financials (Both his and yours) – mortgage, bank, any investments, tax returns, etc and keep them in a safe place (Away from your home). Consider renting a very small storage unit in your name only. Pay for the storage unit in Cash, so he does not know that you have it. You may have to secure it with a credit card. But you can pay with cash so that he doesn't know what you are doing. This will allow you to securely have access to items.
Consider purchasing a small moveable safe (Sentinel safe looks like a briefcase) for your most important documents. (Passport etc.). keep copies only in this at home for easy access. Keep the originals in the storage unit that you will be renting. Make sure you have your marriage certificate. And a recent photo of your husband alone in the picture.
Make sure you have copies and originals of your and your children's, birth certificates, health care, blood type, and medical records. All records that are hard or costly to get re-issued. Take copies of your husband's passport, driver's license, etc. DO NOT take any of your husband's original documents. (Take copies but leave him the originals). Remember to keep an original photo of just your husband, with no one else in the photo. Your lawyer will need this to serve him if it gets to that.
Save photos or items that are most sentimental to you again in a safe place away from your home.
Begin to look for an affordable place to stay. Or get feelers out where you might be able to stay. Don't rent it yet, but get all of your applications and any possible viewings, etc taken care of. You don't have to fill out the applications just have them ready. In case you need to move in a short time frame.
If your home is in joint names – DO NOT move out of the home. Wait for instructions from your lawyer. Make sure you have originals or copies of the mortgage information.
If you both have vehicles, take yours in for servicing. Tires etc. Make sure any work that needs to be done on it gets done while you have the joint financial account.
Nothing needs to be done until you are ready, but prepare yourself mentally in case he moves first.
Above all – keep speaking with your sister, a counselor, or a close friend. Your emotions will be all over the place and your judgment may become clouded by the things he tells you.
Protect your children and maintain a family atmosphere around them. But continually look out for yourself.
There is no easy way to get through this. But trust me you will; it will take time and you will find that you are stumbling along. But in the end a stronger, smarter, and wiser you will emerge from all of this.
Good luck and Hugs From A Far. DM me if you need to talk or if you need more information.
People who have been victims in an abusive relationship are much more likely to find themselves in one later.
Abusers work by damaging your internal security systems. All the instincts that tell you what is healthy, what's a red flag, what's break up worthy. When the relationship ends, those damaged security systems are still there. Usually victims are able to calibrate them to catch abusers exactly like the one that things just ended with. But they don't catch abusers who are just a little different.
Because those security systems are still really damaged.
The good news is that with therapy, hard work, and vigilance you can start putting them back together and calibrating them.
I have to say it's alarming that you phrased this – several times – as your sister sleeping with your husband and not as your husband sleeping with your sister. She was, according to you, completely obliterated while you're husband, also according to you, was not. How are you blaming the person who was too drunk to consent?
Are you really prepared to blame your sister for being raped by your husband while obliterated, blackout drunk so that you don't have to end your marriage?? Yikes.
I get school and work, and I do think you should absolutely move for school to pursue your dreams. However, you also seem to be prioritizing playing in more than one band over spending quality time with your girlfriend. It sounds as if you want different things right now, and that’s ok, but she ain’t asking for much. I think the timing in your relationship is off. I would break up with her, move on with your education in the other place, and let her live her life while you live yours separately.
It's not rape. It's also not rape when a guy does it. Its not rape here. It's fucked up for sure. But, it's not rape.
If he’s in a frat tell their president/campus liaison – that is a bad look for them or their parties. Check it out.
But my wife wants my daughter gone.
So what does she say when you tell her that your daughter is staying with you? Your daughter shouldn't have to live in a house where she isn't wanted, its not fair to her.
If she’s keeping the child, and you don’t want it, you can propose to pay child support and leave it at that. Even though I ideally think you should be an active father to the child, in this situation it may just make everyone’s lives awful. You can pay child support, she can find a new partner that will become the child’s dad, and you move on. You tell your wife and she will have to accept what you are capable of. You will have a lot of guilt to work through and for that you’ll definitely need a therapist.