I’ll tell you exactly what’s up. He’s abusive and selfish, he left you alone because he was tangled with someone else for awhile weather private or secret. Now they left him too or it’s ended, so out of feeling bad he thinks it’s a good time to try and drag you back in again. Absolutely don’t tell him you’re going to file a restraining order with the police and you want no contact with him ever.
I know a narc that would do the same, tried reaching out to an ex from five years prior after the newest failed relationship he destroyed. She even owned a house with her current bf of three years and he went on about how he’ll never love her like he does. But when he was with someone? Go away, stay out of my life I never think of you, etc over bump ins etc.
They always have back up plans and he’s sounds like the controlling type who will force whatever to happen he wants or die trying when he had nothing else at the time.
I moved states away from mine anyway so I don’t have to worry, but on your case get police involved and tell him you’re serious. He just wants to manipulate you to come back to him again. I’m sure in a few months or so you’ll get nothing again when he meets a new girl to start the cycle over.
Bro, she's manipulative and dishonest. My ex tried to do the same thing. Boy was she pissed when my new GF showed up in court with six inch heels and enough cleavage to drown a fella. She showed up just to fluster my ex in court… it worked.
The ex? She had a baby with one if the dudes before he bounced (and before we got divorced).
If you’re going to be making 300K in a few years, you don’t really need a partner who’s making a lot of money, too. That’s a fuck ton of money, dude. You should be happy for her that she’s able to work a worthwhile job that she loves and only make 40-50K, knowing that your salary will make it possible for both of you to live a nicer lifestyle.
Her comments and actions are weird. Your husband might be completely oblivious because she's subtle.
I don't think you should be getting upset with your husband over what she did (yet). I'd keep an eye on her and have faith in your husband. He is not making advances.
Not really controlling. He’s just saying that he doesn’t want to be with someone who smokes. If you want to smoke, break up. He’s just telling you you have to pick.
I will tell you that because you started dating so young and he is so rigid, staying with him means that you will miss out in a LOT of life, and one day you will likely resent everything you missed because he is so vehemently opposed to experimentation.
You would do well to do solo for the next 5 years or so & sow your wild oats.
No, because people are (scratch that…were) telling you how to fix the issue, and you're crying about it. And to prove my point, you deleted your post all together. Bitch move.
When she cheats, she's showing you who she is. When you take her back, you show her how far she can go with it. You know her intentions now. Use this opportunity to ask yourself if this is what you want in a relationship. You're only 25, man. Don't let what you're used to taking in a relationship hold you back from what you want in one.
I was thinking if they were washed and being returned to someone then mom would have bagged them rather than leave them around randomly in his room. I mean we are talking months apparently…….
It sounds like you've had your closure. No need to talk with him now. Just handle your business, protect yourself from any backlash (because this man has ISSUES), and go.
If that's the question she asked, then I'd be inclined to think that she may be looking at you to see if you're almost done. Or if there's something nearby you that she can use to workout. Since you asked her out, she might be trying to avoid you now. Either way, just keep doing what you're doing.
i have been at her parents house though multiple times lol (they were also confused why i have never seem their daughters apartment) if her parents starts questioning her, she just says she doesn’t want to talk about it.
She may have been “shopping around” or talking to other people for at least a couple weeks after you met for the 1st time. She should have cut all ties after making it official but sometimes I understand why she may have wanted to keep options open after making things official.
Some relationships may not workout and end quick so keeping options open is a good way for both men and women to rebound if needed.
Is not the right thing to do but I suppose once you feel you met the right one you stop keeping lines open. It could happen after the 1st date or it could be a realization after a couple months of dating.
Wow, or instead of going for a man’s throat just take the test because you already know it’s outcome. It’s not like the dude is half foot out the door, he’s going through pretty normal stress in the lead up to being a parent and this is what he needs to get through a life changing event. Have some basic empathy, but it also needs to be explained and communicated properly how this makes her feel as well.
They literally just need to communicate and not get advice from psychos on Reddit who foam at the mouth over the prospect of ruining a persons life and relationship with their own child.
You should break up. The way you talk about your sex with your bf is so sad. So degrading to him, as if you are doing a service for him. I am female but I would be very hurt if my partner described our sex like this. I would leave the relationship immediately.
I think you should just start taking him, I think that's what your sister is doing with her boyfriend.
If your boyfriend is frequently out of town for work, please don't be blaming your parents for that. It may be building an unfounded resentment that you don't need.
Okay so her mom married my dad and the rest of my family is dead so she is “all I have” if that makes sense.
Here, let me put it a little better – your entire family dies so at 22 you try to kill yourself. You're feeling lonelier than ever, and you are in pain and scared, so you try to contact your only “family” left, they ignore you. Then months later basically tell you you're a piece of shit.
I have no idea what to do in this situation, not only has this worsened my mental health and caused me to start drinking again, it's stopping me from moving forward because she is preventing me from having normal family holidays. I deserve at least that.
Yes controlling abusive behaviour, creepy that he was taking nudes without your knowledge too. Have you talked about him with your therapist? If not I suggest you do
Coming in after the second Edit: don't comfort her. Let her stew for a while and come to the realisation that she f'd up something fierce. She broke (the trust) in your marriage. It's up to her to start fixing it. Even if it requires two people fully invested in a relationship, the first couple of steps are up to her.
Understand that you're still being trickle truthed. You'll probably never get the whole picture. And while it hurts like a mo-fo, you've got 3 kids to think of. Kids that you can't trust your partner around anymore. If she's lying about this, what else is or has she been lying about the past decade?
Lawyer up, see what the options are and how much of a financial hit you'll take. Get your finances untangled in general. Get an STD check, just in case. Heck, if you feel that this is just the tip of the iceberg and her 'low libido' might actually mean 'I've been stepping out before': paternity checks on the kids.
People make stupid, impulsive decisions all the time, but breaking a 5 year relationship and moving 100 miles away really shouldn’t be one of those impulsive decisions. And now, less than 3 days later, she wants to come back just as impulsively. Why do I think there is something else going on?
I dunno. Think about this one before you take her back.
Ok. I'll almost give him “it was a joke” because sometimes people crack stupid, cruel jokes without meaning to hurt anyone's feelings, but it doesn't sound like he said he was sorry. And that's the only thing that could redeem him here. But he didn't and made your hurt feelings YOUR responsibility instead of owning up to what he did. Instead of making amends he tried to convince you that your pain is only due to you doing something wrong instead of him. If he won't change, I see two options here: leave him, or take advantage of every opportunity you get to mock HIS genitals until he leaves you. I suppose there's a third: stay with him, keep your mouth shut, and spend the next several years listening to him make fun of your vulva. None of them are great, but the first is the only option that allows you to keep your dignity.
Thank you for the wisdom! But, can I ask you if we're trying to be friends, then why does he keep mentioning that we'll just end up having sex or that I still turn him on? He is the one that asked to be friends, not me.
That doesn’t make any sense, there is no guarantee you would knock her out, she would be more likely to just have a lot of face/head pain, along with the bad digestive effects.
If she is dying of intestinal issues, why isn’t she on a feeding tube?
She could taste her favorites, chew them and then spit them out, if her cravings are so strong.
Stop reacting to the bird call. As long as you react to anything other than your name, he gets what he wants: your attention, so he has no reason to stop. I mean, I guess a good reason to stop would be that he respects you and cares for your feelings, but he obviously does neither. So stop reacting, just absolutely stop, no exceptions. Never ever react if he calls you by anything other than your name.
I deliberately did not put out any photos. I had 1 stained glass decoration made which recreated a tattoo he had. That's it. I didn't have ashes on display, nothing. I also barely spoke of him. I did personally use my husband as a higher bar of expectations for a partner though – one that ex fell way short of. It all sucks.
Honestly, I agree with this. It's one thing for OP to maybe think about being less sensitive and more forgiving in the moment, but I would never be this flippant towards my partner in front of others. Even if it wasn't intentionally disrespectful, it's kind of… tactless to make jokes about finances unless you're both in on it.
It was a stranger for her. Of course not for him, for him it was worse than that.
I am saying is people deserve a second chance
No, they don't. The don't “deserve” it, they are not entitled to it. It is a decision the other person can make, whether they want or don't want to give them a second chance. You made this decision and it sounds you are happy with it, I'm happy for you. But he made the decision not to do it, and was perfectly within his rights.
The mother didn't respect his decision.
The gf didn't respect it either.
OP decided that what this woman who was a stranger to her wanted was more important to her than what the man she “loved” – but obviously not respected – wanted. And not only did she force the meeting on him, she did it in their shared home. I honestly don't understand how he still is with her, but I assume he is looking for the best way out, and it is probably not that easy to find a new apartment.
I’ll tell you exactly what’s up. He’s abusive and selfish, he left you alone because he was tangled with someone else for awhile weather private or secret. Now they left him too or it’s ended, so out of feeling bad he thinks it’s a good time to try and drag you back in again. Absolutely don’t tell him you’re going to file a restraining order with the police and you want no contact with him ever.
I know a narc that would do the same, tried reaching out to an ex from five years prior after the newest failed relationship he destroyed. She even owned a house with her current bf of three years and he went on about how he’ll never love her like he does. But when he was with someone? Go away, stay out of my life I never think of you, etc over bump ins etc.
They always have back up plans and he’s sounds like the controlling type who will force whatever to happen he wants or die trying when he had nothing else at the time.
I moved states away from mine anyway so I don’t have to worry, but on your case get police involved and tell him you’re serious. He just wants to manipulate you to come back to him again. I’m sure in a few months or so you’ll get nothing again when he meets a new girl to start the cycle over.
At this point. I agree.
We agreed not sleep with anyone until we got a divorce just in case we worked it out.
She claims it’s not cheating since we were separated.
If you made an agreement and she broke it, that's cheating.
Bro, she's manipulative and dishonest. My ex tried to do the same thing. Boy was she pissed when my new GF showed up in court with six inch heels and enough cleavage to drown a fella. She showed up just to fluster my ex in court… it worked.
The ex? She had a baby with one if the dudes before he bounced (and before we got divorced).
If you’re going to be making 300K in a few years, you don’t really need a partner who’s making a lot of money, too. That’s a fuck ton of money, dude. You should be happy for her that she’s able to work a worthwhile job that she loves and only make 40-50K, knowing that your salary will make it possible for both of you to live a nicer lifestyle.
Her comments and actions are weird. Your husband might be completely oblivious because she's subtle.
I don't think you should be getting upset with your husband over what she did (yet). I'd keep an eye on her and have faith in your husband. He is not making advances.
Does he?
Its because that is their final ditch effort.
I will date this girl so I can get laid. Oh, dating fell through? I guess I will ask what I am only here for, you down to hook up?
First thing first! Yes to nipping it in the bud! Her getting confrontational shows she likes your man. The real issues is your husband.
Not really controlling. He’s just saying that he doesn’t want to be with someone who smokes. If you want to smoke, break up. He’s just telling you you have to pick.
I will tell you that because you started dating so young and he is so rigid, staying with him means that you will miss out in a LOT of life, and one day you will likely resent everything you missed because he is so vehemently opposed to experimentation.
You would do well to do solo for the next 5 years or so & sow your wild oats.
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No, because people are (scratch that…were) telling you how to fix the issue, and you're crying about it. And to prove my point, you deleted your post all together. Bitch move.
When she cheats, she's showing you who she is. When you take her back, you show her how far she can go with it. You know her intentions now. Use this opportunity to ask yourself if this is what you want in a relationship. You're only 25, man. Don't let what you're used to taking in a relationship hold you back from what you want in one.
I was thinking if they were washed and being returned to someone then mom would have bagged them rather than leave them around randomly in his room. I mean we are talking months apparently…….
wow. Just no. I'd have asked him “Oh? Do you need me to put some concealer on you? You do have some bags under those eyes.”
It sounds like you've had your closure. No need to talk with him now. Just handle your business, protect yourself from any backlash (because this man has ISSUES), and go.
Everyone gets to be a little irrational every so often. I’d say let it blow over.
If that's the question she asked, then I'd be inclined to think that she may be looking at you to see if you're almost done. Or if there's something nearby you that she can use to workout. Since you asked her out, she might be trying to avoid you now. Either way, just keep doing what you're doing.
i have been at her parents house though multiple times lol (they were also confused why i have never seem their daughters apartment) if her parents starts questioning her, she just says she doesn’t want to talk about it.
She may have been “shopping around” or talking to other people for at least a couple weeks after you met for the 1st time. She should have cut all ties after making it official but sometimes I understand why she may have wanted to keep options open after making things official.
Some relationships may not workout and end quick so keeping options open is a good way for both men and women to rebound if needed.
Is not the right thing to do but I suppose once you feel you met the right one you stop keeping lines open. It could happen after the 1st date or it could be a realization after a couple months of dating.
Shed have had reasons that were valid to her for making that decision.
Happy cake day! And I agree, she should look into aid from a DV organization, as this absolutely is abuse
You have a timeline too, dude? If yours doesn’t match here, save you both some time and end it.
Wow, or instead of going for a man’s throat just take the test because you already know it’s outcome. It’s not like the dude is half foot out the door, he’s going through pretty normal stress in the lead up to being a parent and this is what he needs to get through a life changing event. Have some basic empathy, but it also needs to be explained and communicated properly how this makes her feel as well.
They literally just need to communicate and not get advice from psychos on Reddit who foam at the mouth over the prospect of ruining a persons life and relationship with their own child.
Wtf? You should be out on your ass. Let her go at her pace. The fact that you aren't speaks volumes to how sorry you are for stepping out on her.
You’re right to be concerned, and she’s not validating your feelings or seemingly doing anything to make you feel more secure.
You should break up. The way you talk about your sex with your bf is so sad. So degrading to him, as if you are doing a service for him. I am female but I would be very hurt if my partner described our sex like this. I would leave the relationship immediately.
I think you should just start taking him, I think that's what your sister is doing with her boyfriend.
If your boyfriend is frequently out of town for work, please don't be blaming your parents for that. It may be building an unfounded resentment that you don't need.
Okay so her mom married my dad and the rest of my family is dead so she is “all I have” if that makes sense.
Here, let me put it a little better – your entire family dies so at 22 you try to kill yourself. You're feeling lonelier than ever, and you are in pain and scared, so you try to contact your only “family” left, they ignore you. Then months later basically tell you you're a piece of shit.
I have no idea what to do in this situation, not only has this worsened my mental health and caused me to start drinking again, it's stopping me from moving forward because she is preventing me from having normal family holidays. I deserve at least that.
You’re not into it. Relationship is not going to work and it’s time to move on.
It sounds like both you and Sami are in bad marriages.
Sami should divorce the ungrateful idiot bitting the hand that feeds, clothes and pays his medical bills.
And you, well, how controlling is your husband overall? If he thinks you're easily swayed I wonder what he has done to think so.
I'm going to be a reddit cliche and say double divorce!
Yes controlling abusive behaviour, creepy that he was taking nudes without your knowledge too. Have you talked about him with your therapist? If not I suggest you do
Coming in after the second Edit: don't comfort her. Let her stew for a while and come to the realisation that she f'd up something fierce. She broke (the trust) in your marriage. It's up to her to start fixing it. Even if it requires two people fully invested in a relationship, the first couple of steps are up to her.
Understand that you're still being trickle truthed. You'll probably never get the whole picture. And while it hurts like a mo-fo, you've got 3 kids to think of. Kids that you can't trust your partner around anymore. If she's lying about this, what else is or has she been lying about the past decade?
Lawyer up, see what the options are and how much of a financial hit you'll take. Get your finances untangled in general. Get an STD check, just in case. Heck, if you feel that this is just the tip of the iceberg and her 'low libido' might actually mean 'I've been stepping out before': paternity checks on the kids.
How do you move towards greater intimacy, and how do you know/avoid when you're moving too fast?
If you want to kiss her, ask her if that is okay. Talk with her about what, exactly, you want to do, and listen to what she says to you about it.
Also, if you want to flirt with her, do so. Pay attention to how she reacts.
i will say! saying no is hard so even if it came out a little messier than intended it’s good that u got ur no across
I know right? I'm dating a creep twice my age with no job, no future, and seemingly no redeeming qualities – Reddit should I make it work?!
People make stupid, impulsive decisions all the time, but breaking a 5 year relationship and moving 100 miles away really shouldn’t be one of those impulsive decisions. And now, less than 3 days later, she wants to come back just as impulsively. Why do I think there is something else going on?
I dunno. Think about this one before you take her back.
Did the other friend do coke? What’d he have to say?
Being sweaty and antsy and his quick jump to anger does not scream allergies it scream cocaine.
If it was just allergies, why wouldn’t he have said that? Why did his brother have to tell you that the next day?
Also, idk how long y’all have been together but if he had severe allergies you would’ve known before then.
My boyfriend has allergies and is constantly sniffling/blowing his nose. He never gets sweaty and antsy when his allergies flare up.
Ok. I'll almost give him “it was a joke” because sometimes people crack stupid, cruel jokes without meaning to hurt anyone's feelings, but it doesn't sound like he said he was sorry. And that's the only thing that could redeem him here. But he didn't and made your hurt feelings YOUR responsibility instead of owning up to what he did. Instead of making amends he tried to convince you that your pain is only due to you doing something wrong instead of him. If he won't change, I see two options here: leave him, or take advantage of every opportunity you get to mock HIS genitals until he leaves you. I suppose there's a third: stay with him, keep your mouth shut, and spend the next several years listening to him make fun of your vulva. None of them are great, but the first is the only option that allows you to keep your dignity.
Account for what?
Thank you for the wisdom! But, can I ask you if we're trying to be friends, then why does he keep mentioning that we'll just end up having sex or that I still turn him on? He is the one that asked to be friends, not me.
That doesn’t make any sense, there is no guarantee you would knock her out, she would be more likely to just have a lot of face/head pain, along with the bad digestive effects.
If she is dying of intestinal issues, why isn’t she on a feeding tube?
She could taste her favorites, chew them and then spit them out, if her cravings are so strong.
Everybody’s different
She may not get pregnant but what if she has an STD condom helps with both
Info: were you busy that time that you couldn’t take 2 hours off from what you were doing?
That’s why you should let him have his car. So then he could’ve went somewhere for food.
Stop reacting to the bird call. As long as you react to anything other than your name, he gets what he wants: your attention, so he has no reason to stop. I mean, I guess a good reason to stop would be that he respects you and cares for your feelings, but he obviously does neither. So stop reacting, just absolutely stop, no exceptions. Never ever react if he calls you by anything other than your name.
I deliberately did not put out any photos. I had 1 stained glass decoration made which recreated a tattoo he had. That's it. I didn't have ashes on display, nothing. I also barely spoke of him. I did personally use my husband as a higher bar of expectations for a partner though – one that ex fell way short of. It all sucks.
Honestly, I agree with this. It's one thing for OP to maybe think about being less sensitive and more forgiving in the moment, but I would never be this flippant towards my partner in front of others. Even if it wasn't intentionally disrespectful, it's kind of… tactless to make jokes about finances unless you're both in on it.
You could have said “my boyfriend fucking sucks” in a lot less words girl.
It was a stranger for her. Of course not for him, for him it was worse than that.
I am saying is people deserve a second chance
No, they don't. The don't “deserve” it, they are not entitled to it. It is a decision the other person can make, whether they want or don't want to give them a second chance. You made this decision and it sounds you are happy with it, I'm happy for you. But he made the decision not to do it, and was perfectly within his rights.
The mother didn't respect his decision.
The gf didn't respect it either.
OP decided that what this woman who was a stranger to her wanted was more important to her than what the man she “loved” – but obviously not respected – wanted. And not only did she force the meeting on him, she did it in their shared home. I honestly don't understand how he still is with her, but I assume he is looking for the best way out, and it is probably not that easy to find a new apartment.