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Date: October 25, 2022
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He’s being possessive and weird. I hate graphic violence and sex scenes too, but my husband watches some shows that have them. To each their own.
Even after just 7 months, he would already know if he thought you were marriage material.
husband
keeps calling me his girlfriend
That sounds at minimum kind'a messed up.
he told me it was just because he doesn't want everybody to ask him a bunch of questions. He wants his “private life” to stay private.
I get that, but … if he managed to say you're his girlfriend, he could'a upgrade to wife/spouse … or stared with “partner” and worked it up to “life partner”, but continuing to say “girlfriend” is rather belittling of the relationship, and also really at least bit of a lie. If he really didn't want to talk about it he could've started off earlier with “I generally don't discuss that personal stuff.” – heck, work environment about all he'd ever need tell for the most part would be HR once married (notably for legal and benefits reasons). Though if he wears a ring, or coworkers might occasionally overhear a call or see him wearing ring, or whatever … well, folks do tend to be curious busybodies … can't entirely stop that, but can slow 'em down a lot … heck, I can think of a former coworker and friend that I've known for … over a quarter century. I don't now their sexual orientation or relatoinship status still to this day – they never brought it up – I never asked – I figure it's none 'o my business – if they want to share, fine, if they don't, that's fine too.
But your boyfriend's behavior is more problematic and/or possibly even suspicious. If he really didn't want to reveal that he's got a girlfriend, he probably could've managed that (with some effort, etc.) – but to say/acknowledge that he's got a girlfriend … and not bother to update describing that as at least life partner … or if he doesn't want to even acknowledge that status change, he could say something like, “yes, I continue to be in a relationship”, and leave it at that, and not put a label/descriptor on it beyond that. But still calling the relationship “girlfriend” … really? That's highly odd … at best.
he's been extra private with me and somewhat secretive
I think I may be starting to smell a rat. I mean sure, keep it relatively quiet, on the down low, but … “secretive”. If he's outright hiding it or lying about it, likely something's very seriously wrong.
told me that he was estranged from his family and didn't have any contact with them but I came home early from work the other day and he was on the phone with his relative
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
I didn't tell him what I heard about the rest because I still don't know how I feel about it and I'm still processing it and I don't want to start a fight.
Time to start those conversations – even if maybe it leads to a fight. Y'all need get it sorted, but something's definitely up.
not sure I'm ready for the truth
Truth will set you free!
don't know how to approach the conversation
Start it … figure out the approach later, if you need to. This sh*t's important, and y'all ought be able to well discuss it.
accused me of not trusting or believing him and that I was hurting his feeling
Well, that raises more red flags. You ought be able to ask, and he ought be able to well tell you what the hell's going on. Plain and simple. Not that horribly complex. Sure, trust … but if he's gonna behave like a secretive deceptive person, that's gonna make him – or anyone – a helluva lot harder to trust … so he's got some serious 'splainin' to do.
thought we had a good relationship
Well, if nothing else, the communication is seriously messed up – and that needs be straightened out – that's a huge part of any decent successful relationship.
I don't like it and feel very hurt
You need to tell him, and he's got some serious explaining to do. And bad that he's lying (e.g. to his coworkers), but if he's doing that sh*t to you too, sorry, but then it's a sh*t relationship … maybe fixable, maybe not.
worry I'm being used
Might very much be the case … or possibly not … but either way, time to get to the bottom of it, eh? So, start by having those conversations and asking him. Either he tells you the truth, and it all hangs together … or it'll all start unraveling … but at least you'll know or find out, rather than hanging out tortured indefinitely in limbo.
advice on how to approach him
Just flat out ask him. You're his wife for {God|other deity or non-god|fuck}'s sake.
I show total mistrust it could damage our relationship
Your relationship is already damaged. You want to have a fighting chance of fixing it, you need to ask those questions and have those conversations. Tell him how you feel, tell him how his behaviors are making you feel. Ask him to explain what's going on. Ask him to help you try and understand.
anything I can do to make that conversation easier or just less reactive I want to
No guarantees, you gotta plough forward. You don't have to be accusatory or anything like that, but explain and communicate how it makes you feel – unsure, scared, insecure, vulnerable, threatened, paranoid, … whatever, tell him.
say how I'm feeling
There 'ya go – you even said it yourself.
want to do his right.
Get started, doesn't have to be perfect – and getting moving on it is way better than sitting on it … so get a move on.
If he was so scared of losing you, he wouldn’t have done anything he did in the first place. If he really loved and cared about you but has this burning urge that he had to satisfy… he’d leave you to avoid hurting you. This is all about him being selfish. He wants to go have fun and sleep around, but also have the home life and have you waiting for him. He’s not torn up about it, he’s not hurting. He’s actively hurting you and trying to push you into accepting something you KNOW you aren’t comfortable with. Have some respect for yourself and realize he’s a selfish asshole that’s once again lying and manipulating you.
If you do decide to give this a go, be ready to std check on the regular, and don’t be surprised if he gets someone pregnant. He’s young, selfish, and stupid. Wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t use protection with them.