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?Mila DY?, 42 y.o.
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Date: October 29, 2022
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This is why I could never be with someone who has kids, I don't a a single maternal streak in me and i wouldn't expect someone with kids to accommodate me at the cost of their kids happiness, nope. I think you should break things off.
How old is your brother? Super weird that he was involved in such a parental conversation after walking in on you and imo super weird that your entire family now knows what happened in a way apparently obvious enough that you’re aware that they know.
Having sex is not wrong, you did not do anything wrong. Be safe, be responsible, use protection, maybe choose a better location next time but do not let your family shame you, a 19 year old, for having ALMOST sex with your LONG TERM boyfriend.
Yeah but even if you don't wanna be friends you'll have to try to find a way to stay on friendly terms with him. Thats why I think it'll be best to let him down easy and try to keep the communication somewhat open so you can at least exchange pleasantries when you cross paths and then go about your business.
Those kind of things can be discussed normally in a relationship
“Why are you controlling me? You're just insecure. It's got nothing to do with you”
Those kind of things should be discussed normally but this is where this one is going
I thought so too, which is completely fine. The part that gets me is that she deleted all her posts that mention me as her boyfriend. Do you have any idea is to why that would happen? Because I think that makes a possibility that it might be more than a miscommunication. Otherwise, I’d agree.
If you aren’t happy, it’s okay to leave.
In fact, it’s okay to leave for any reason or no reason.
It takes two people to start and be in a relationship but only one to end it.
State clearly once that it is over and that you no longer want to be in a relationship and then take steps to re-enforce that decision.
You don’t have to stay friends. You don’t have to keep talking. Sometimes a clean break is best. Do what feels right to you and for you. You are ultimately the one person in this world who’s happiness you have direct control over.
“How do I tell them” questions always have the same answer. You tell them. Kindly and honestly.
No man, at 28 this is firmly in bad person territory.
Anyone at 28 with social awareness knows hijacking someone else's event like this is a huge deal that should be discussed with the event throwers first, and even if the proposal itself was a surprise, the notion of marriage and public proposals should have been brought up and agreed upon between the couple first.
If he is someone who doesn't have social awareness, at 28 he should know that about himself and know to have his plan checked by someone who is, who would then have pointed out the above.
Add in that he could see the horrified reaction that everyone, including bride, groom and his girlfriend had to his actions and his initial response was not “oh shit, I have fucked up” but rather “how dare you embarrass me by rejecting me in public?!” Speak to a level of selfishness and entitlement that is mind blowing.
Nah. We are firmly in bad person territory. And either he has been hiding it super well or the op has left out significant details, but either way, I am willing to bet the mask is about to come off big time.
(I suspect the only way for him to even start making amends to the couple in question is a very large donation to their honeymoon fund, and even then, that won't regain the social capital he nuked with everyone present. If op and he stay together, they will likely have to find an entirely new social group and even then will be haunted by “did you hear what he did at x's wedding?!” Style rumours for years.)
After reading your post and comments. I’m so glad she is getting help because this is definitely not normal behavior and I’m glad you recognized that. As someone who had adhd and is also a woman in a similar age range I’m 29. And yes getting distracted and spending to much time on Reddit is a thing its the conspiracy part that is not normal. I spend hours on Reddit sitting in the bathroom cause I was in a time blindness hyper focus but I also can put it down when need be. I’m glad you are getting her help please don’t feel bad and honestly even though she said she wants a divorce once she’s better she probably won’t want that anymore so don’t take it to heart right now. I know it’s hard but I would take it like you would a child whose like 4 and mad about being put in time out and they say I hate you. I’m glad everyone is safe for now and I hope and pray that everything works out for the best for all involved
First question: what are the things she has communicated being upset about?
Without that information, seems like a love language disconnect perhaps? Might be something you can both look into and try to understand one another better.
Love the idea: if your bf is more techy than you, include them in the selection process. If they aren't still talk it out with them.
Gifts are things we give because we want to give them. Can be awkward to receive pricey ones, but stick to you wanting to give them something that will enhance their quality of life.
If they shoot it down, that's their prerogative.
If your bf nor you is particularly techy, feel free to shoot me a dm with the software they use, your price range, desktop/laptop, and I can help you find some good options. Ofc, get the okay from them first. Don't spring a big gift on them when they've already expressed hesitancy about it in the past.
I mean they could easily be 19-22.
Ok, her lying is a problem and needs to be addressed on its own. But some of the questions in your example when you were “really just trying to make conversation” do feel very much like trying to catch her in a lie…asking why she ended up not going when she said she would, asking why she didn't text you back, etc. The implication of questions like this is “I'm mad/suspicious about this so you'd better have a good reason”. It comes across as asking for justification for something. And I think when you're doing that, asking about a bunch of seemingly random details can come across as asking her to prove that she's where she says she is.
cause you've never done anything shitty to any of your friends ever, sure thing mr hypocritical friend expert
Uh huh
Sounds like it’s time to break up with the entitled selfish gf.
You’re right, so far he hasn’t helped us build a life where we are.
We did talk about it and he says he contributes by running to the store for me on occasion, doing some cooking and dishes. And that he can move back into the trailer so I don’t feel taken advantage of.
Whenever I bring up the further down the road stuff like where to get a season pass to snowboard or what the spring Alaska plan is he says we fight ooo often so he doesn’t want to make plans with me that far into the future bc it’s too risky.
I think we bicker and they turn into fights bc he runs away and shuts down instead of talking or asking for space. He sort of just disappears for a few days over small stuff.
I think the porn thing is pretty much a given with us guys tbh! I’m not defending but am totally understanding of his browsing this. It’s something that he should be open about and involve you in boundaries as to what is acceptable to view. However the past 3 years has shown a proliferation of mostly young ladies making OF content in their bedrooms etc for an audience. It has either supplemented or substituted for wages here in the uk with at least 2 of my team having made accounts over the lockdowns. This is more interactive and this is where the line has been crossed because of the direct contact the viewers have with the content provider. Yes you should definitely call him out and tell him that he’s to stop rn or you’ll plant that red flag ? where the sun doesn’t shine! He’s been out of line and he knows it, he’s been busted. I also imagine that he’s spent a whole heap of change on them too! Damn he’s got answers he needs to be giving. I wish you well and look forward to any feedback or constructive criticism you the OP has. Have an awesome evening buddy.
You are worthy of love by your new husband and cute little daughters now it’s your turn to love your son unconditionally, without any expectations. You’re his mom just be there for him he needs and want you now that’s all the matters. Make new memories with your family that include him and I am sure he will notice the love you have and want to Be apart of your new family. He wants and needs you more than ever! Now is the time to prove you love him he will need it to build that trust again with him .
Thank you, you are right on stability i will definitely tell him that I agree with you there it would be tough to move there with no trust I just hope he tries to earn it back ?
Please, open your eyes and look at the red flags. They’re all blatantly waving inches from your face and you’re ignoring them. You’ve broken up many times. He’s been on tinder a lot while you’re dating. He has anger issues among other issues, and refuses to get any help. And now this.
The only person that can help you is YOU. You need to take the first steps and get away from this extremely toxic and abusive man. Only you can help yourself.
If you want something serious, then I don't think this girl is for you.
It’s pretty easy to keep separate money in a separate investment account, but it’s not worth arguing about. I understand what you mean.
Porn doesn’t make men ignore foreplay… foreplay is ignored to being a selfish lover or sexually stifled typically.
Side chick is a status associated with being in a situation-ship. Which you apparently have no issue being in.
So you just intentionally being like this? Or are you really that obtuse? I'm actually looking for an answer as it may explain a lot about you.
It's okay though I understand how your type is. It is okay you know. I bet you make her feel very loved and warmed up for when she leaves to go have sex with who she is attracted to.
It sounds like you’re comfortable and that’s neither bad or good. But with her profession she might make more moves. It’s either you tell her how you feel about not wanting to move and stay where you’re at. Or you break up and let her go. There comes a time in everyone’s life where they must make this decision. I just left my family this year to move to a whole new place with my boyfriend in a new state and that was the best decision for me. At first it was scary but now I’m used to it and I would follow him anywhere because he is my home.
Stop going there twice a week. She's probably running around, dealing with customers and can't give you special attention all the time. Maybe just go once a week at a time when she's not busy.
Something similar, yes. She says it will take too much time away from practicing and getting better.
I would definitely tell your brother…i truly don’t understand why brother would date someone another brother dated…
Once you get married you can say goodbye to all your hobbies. Also you can bet you sex life will be no more until she wants another baby. All you will be is a baby machine. Nope, I think it time to say goodbye. You don't want to get tied down with someone like her.
That’s mostly what they’re saying
Leave him
Yes, this kind of texting, is considered cheating IMO.
he's not just texting as like friends.
he is flirting and being inappropriate
So there’s a couple things it could be
You already have the porn and masturbating thing down so just quit off that for a bit
Second don’t drink alcohol for a while
Third try to get yourself some ashwagnda
Four Get some real rest and sleep it can help
And fifth and this is the most important one go to the gym. Start going regularly if you can, do leg work outs. Leg work outs naturally increase your T more and more T means more boner
You confessed and he said no . It’s ok. Now whether you should be friends or not will depend on you . If you are not able to set those emotions aside and continue seeing him as only a friend then maybe you should drop him. Cause you will only cause him and you pain in the long term . Also to the people saying the age difference and power dynamics … nothing in the world will be even. Is she young , yes but she is old enough to make the decision whether she want a relationship with an older man or not .
I’ve seen many post on Reddit alone encourage women being 30+ to pursue men who are 25 and younger. However , when it’s a man being 30+ being with a 25 or younger woman . It’s too much and shouldn’t ever happen . Anyways OP if you can be friends with him without you , being too emotionally invested you are fine . However personally myself , I wouldn’t be able to remain friends with a girl who I had feelings for . That’s just me though . Good luck with your future endeavors
Every guy is different, so communication is key. Try different things and see what he likes.
It sounds like he’s been second guessing things for a while and this move was the perfect time for him to voice his concerns. It doesn’t sound like you guys have broke up yet, but may be heading in that direction. Give him the space he needs and he’ll reach out to you when he’s ready
I have no idea. He never turned it off even last Christmas. His stories just show him hanging out with his hometown girl friends.
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My (20M) friend (19M) told me that he wants to have sex with my ex (19F) and I'm not okay with that at all. First off, he said that it isn't a big deal because my ex and I broke up 2 years ago and we weren't together for too long so the realtionship “wasn't that serious.” I told him it doesn't matter how long we've been together for, at the end of the day it's still my ex and for me I think it's really disrespectful for him to want to do something like that especially how he is also a really close friend of mine. Btw he didn't go after her or anything, she came onto him and now he's considering having sex with her. I don't know what to do, please help.
Edit- Very suprised by the amount of comments telling me I don't “own” my ex and that I should let her go. Seems like most of you are missing the point here, I don't care what my ex does with her life, it's just that my friend and I are really close, we grew up together and all that, not sure how no one finds it disrespectful that he would suddenly want to get involved with someone I we was once with, just feels weird to me. If the roles were reversed, I'd never do that. You can call the “bro code” childish, but it's a form of respect, especially for someone I'm that close with.
Thank you for your comment, it really is a shame it happened on Christmas Eve, but yes I'm spending the rest of my Christmas with my family, luckily! Thank you so much for your offer too, you've made me feel much better and less alone already 🙂
From bro to bro, there is nothing you can really do to stop them. Your friend should respect your wishes, especially if they’re one of your closest friends, but at the end of the day, its up to you to decide how you handle your social circle. You shouldn’t cling onto your ex, but you should expect some decency from your friends.
Just tell him it would be a deal breaker for your friendship. If he goes through then tough luck, you have to move on man.
Please post more identifying information about her
I feel so stupid right now. I started reading and thought it was going to be about body odor. I am not kidding. I had zero idea that aromantic was a thing. Now I know and totally get my very first broken and I do mean broken heart! Wow. He was Aromantic. Omg. Please tell her. Stop doing this. It took me years to understand that I am ‘good’ enough.
Are you sure you want to marry this guy? That’s an odd thing for a guy to begrudge his future bride on their wedding day. ?
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It’s kind of weird how you’re discussing bathing with their kids as a “right”. It’s bathing, not a privilege/reward.
Wrll, does he DARE to report to police as rape then?
In the real world this works all the time but Reddit tends to be so overly political that I could see many people here telling you no.
Did that commenter say they supported Biden, or that they were even liberal? No. They did not. So it seems like you automatically associate conservatives with actively harming women, POC, and other minorities.
Way to tell on yourself lol
Read the gift of fear. Ignoring it because it’s embarrassing is dangerous. She is unhinged and will escalate. Precautions need to be taken
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My parents decided that if not having a middle name was good enough for George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, it was good enough for them. Also, they didn't use any name from either side of the family.
It caused as much storm and stress as choosing names from either side, and my brother and I have received a lot of shit for not having at least a middle initial, but it did avoid this kind of problem.
As for your situation, you have to decide. Doormat or not?
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Ask. Be ready for a rejection.
Does he work?
You tell her no.
Next time she wants to vent, you tell her no. That she is a grown woman, an adult. She needs to deal with her own inflated sense of being a victim, without dragging you into it. Tell her that you help her find a therapist, but until she stops being so melodramatic, you will no longer be her emotional punching bag.
Tell her that her actions and behaviour have damaged your relationship with her, and while you don’t want to leave, if she continues on it will be the only option left for you.
Oh, dear. I know it's hard to contemplate losing your first love, but consider all of this valuable practice for future, healthier, happier relationships. Break up with this guy and don't look back. It's not a good relationship and it's not worth saving. Look into counseling resources offered by your college so that you can have a safe place to process this relationship and talk about what you want out of future relationships. But do not postpone the incredibly important first step of getting the heck away from this dude who is so screamingly obviously bad for you.
Do you know how much insecurity it gives if you end up with a partner that can't accept your female friends? You'll always be walking on your toes, trying to dodge the landmines she put in your relationship. Hiding conversations you have with your friends because you're afraid she'll get jealous and attack you.
And finally when she spots a single text of your friend on your phone she'll get angry and then you start hiding your phone or turn off your notifications or text them in secret because you don't want her to see it.
This is not a healthy relationship my friend.
You sound insane.
You did nothing wrong. Him tampering with condoms is very wrong.
Sorry but how is that relevant in this situation?
OP purposely sort out a partner who agreed they did not want children. It is irrelevant as to whether she could or couldn’t physically have them, she was entering into the relationship on the understanding that there wouldn’t be any, and her partner agreed.
Now that he’s changed his mind he was trying to force her to have kids. Why does his change of mind invalidate her reasons (infertility or choice) for sticking to their original agreement?
I have a real life example of what you are trying to insinuate here – my sisters husband told her he would be open to having kids (always sometime in the future) and withheld the fact that he had had a vasectomy during his first marriage.
THAT is a betrayal and relevant information he should have shared. If he had just said he didn’t want kids, and wouldn’t change his mind she could have made the choice to marry him based on that information. Instead she found out years into their marriage and it devastated her.
This is not what happened in OP’s case, she was very clear on being child free and the fact that he reacted in such a misogynistic and abusive way to her “choice” shows she was probably wise to not be open about her infertility as the reason for it.
“I instantly got hard”….?. Honestly sounds like a bad script for a wank video.
Really surprised that it took so long to find this kind of answer, I don't stop being shocked of how different is the general perspective of Americans
It makes me sad to think I come across as thoughtless but I appreciate your honesty anyway. From my angle, it's like… this situation isn't an issue and I didn't dream that Beth would have an issue with it. Because if any of her friends invited her to go away, I would be happy for her! I wouldn't mind at all. I would be delighted for her to have fun on a holiday.
Thanks for your feedback. I have an issue with Amy shooting the idea down too. I really don't like that she said no without any explanation.
Yes, Pre-K
Thanks for the reply, this has been the most helpful so far. I should make it clear that it's not an expectation on his end that I do anything, he frequently discourages me from doing anything I don't like. Really the only reason it's a problem is because he can't seem to enjoy himself without them and I can't enjoy myself with them. There's definitely kinks we share that maybe we could dive deeper into, or just try some things that are new to both of us, thanks for that idea. The long term plan is honestly we've talked about it at length and both of us want to settle down & have a family together in the next 5-10 years, and other than this issue we work really well together, so I do really want to figure out something that works for us. Thanks again for the reply!
I thought about this too, even tho she swore to me that she chose me and she loves only me and that she doesn't want him in her life anymore
I thought about this too, even tho she swore to me that she chose me and she loves only me and that she doesn't want him in her life anymore
You don't think he'll do it again in the future when life gets even more stressful?
Tell him it's not your place to help him with this. Anytime he brings it up leave/end the call. Drop the rope and he he has no one to tug on.
How hard up r u? Or is this brad Pitt lol
This is NOT an improvement. It’s nonsensical and it’s destroying your relationship.
Man I would have said so I'm your mommy now ? ??
Why are you with a 22-year-old who is still living the life of a spoiled lazy teenager?
Momma's boy, plays games all day, lives with his parents, not employed and not looking for work.
This guy is a wretchedly bad candidate for a serious relationship or marriage.
He's probably asking you because he sees his friends getting engaged and possibly because he senses you are getting fed up with his do-nothing lifestyle. He thinks this ridiculous secret proposal will keep you interested.
Don't you want a relationship with someone who is financially independent and plans to do something more than just play video games for the rest of his life?
I've always wondered this and guess this is the appropriate place to bring it up. Why is there such a HUGE double standard with someone calling their lover “daddy” in a sexual context and totally not okay the other way when it's the word “mommy”? Isn't this just how we are socialized to think? And if so isn't that worth a second look?
Wife here, the snorer. So my first sleep test showed no apnea. ENT said no surgery could be done to fix my snoring. I have snore pillow, doesn't work. Second sleep test 5 years later. Sleep apnea. I have a cpap, but my husband says it now sounds like two people snoring next to him. First, either have him or you sleep in another room. Then look at other solutions. I am starting invisalign to try and help reduce the snoring. My teeth are straight, but if there is a small chance it will help, I am doing it. Sometimes there is nothing a snorer can do and the options are expensive.
Your husband doesn't see you as a person but an incubator. I don't know that I could stay in a relationship like this, but if you want, then try couples counseling with someone who has experience with fertility issues.
Yeah I really don’t care It’s just the fact that they’re pretty long and during the act they break and get in my throat, them being just shorter would be already more enjoyable.
Oh my God please no girl, do not commit a crime for this man baby. This is a mass shooting waiting to happen. You did the right thing. Hold your ground.
I was just about to say this. Also finding a person she can trust with this information- a close friend or family member who can help her get on her feet I think is also extremely important.
Damn, never would have expected that from the guy leaving his GF at home to party all night and into the next day…
You have not seen every side of each other, as your rejected proposal just proved.
A couple should have a common view / expectations in 4 things: sex, religion, politics and kids. I would also add money. In 6 months you CAN NOT possibly have seen enough events happen to form an educated opinion about each other.
There will be a lot of obstacles to navigate in the future, and you should have seen at least some of these together before rushing into marriage.
Some stress factors can be: – sickness or dead of a close friend or family member – losing a job or starting a new job – spending money on sth. expensive (car, vacation, hobby, he repairs) – saving strategies – kids – pets – moving houses – home renovations – elections
The way he talks about hr is dehumanising. She was just a hole to jazz in.
Edit. Didn't write jazz
She's dropping not so subtle hints. It's not an accident. She's 30 so she's at that age/stage of life where she's thinking about marriage. Personally, as a woman in my 30's I find it odd that this is how she brings it up.
Do you want marriage? Do you see yourself marrying HER in particular? You need to get real serious about where you see this relationship going because if you're not both on the same page, that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.
But I like her
You’re a 22 year old adult woman. You can do what you want, their fundamentalist oppressive bs aside. You also don’t have to tell them about your bf, and if I were you, I wouldn’t tell them shit until you’re independent.
Again please dump her so she can find someone better.
What are you going to do if you get married and have kids? Force the woman to attend your family holiday but refuse to attend hers? Force your family to separate on Christmas so that you can do your own thing? You don’t need to be in a relationship.
It's only been FIVE MONTHS. In this time you've already had 3-4 big arguments, he's called you names and screamed at you, he wants to control what you wear – does this sound like fun to you? Listen to your friends and family. They know you and love you and want what's best for you.
This guy ain't it. You should still be in the honeymoon phase of your relationship and he's already showing a really mean streak. And showing up unannounced at your work when you reciprocated his lack of communication? Manipulative AF.
Drop this need to exhaust all possibilities. It's only been FIVE MONTHS. He's not showing himself to be deserving of this level of investment and effort.
His rough childhood etc is not an excuse for how he's treated you and it's HIS trauma to deal with. Find yourself a partner who already has done the work and save yourself a ton of heartache.
Honestly, why are you so desperate to get in there? Different siblings get on better than others.
My big sister who's 4 years older than me used to run away from me with her friends, when I wanted to hang out with them because i was too young. Now I'm older, she never shuts up and won't stop sending me cat pictures, so I leave early to avoid her ? No hatred, I love her to bits but she's annoying and I can only take so much of her in a day. She absolutely never wanted to share a bed with me ever. I think one of the few times she let me when, I wet her bed tbh. I really used to want to, but I was the annoying wee sister following her around when she wanted to hang out with her own friends her age. I think that's pretty normal twins or no twins.
They obviously got on better because they were twins and there's a few years between you, which when younger would have mattered more.
But now as an adult you're still barging into their room angry they get on better. If you want to be invited to things, that's the opposite way to do it. Your sister just seemed to find you to be annoying when you did, and I'd guess it's because you're always doing this type of thing rather than just letting them be. They can be family and love you, but still want to hang out with their twin more than anyone else because of whatever bond they've had since kids. It's not just you, it's your whole family they hang out with each other over… and probably a bunch of friends too.
Absolutely a bit weird and over the top, missing Christmas and stuff for it. But your family doesn't have to be your best friend, and its not your job to police them. They are adults, they can literally do what they want if it's not hurting anyone. And the only one who seems to care is you, because it's hurting your feelings being left out. Evidently nobody else cares.
Either just talk to them as an adult, and say you get they are twins and the same age, but you've always felt left out and you really wanted to be closer and hang out with them more. Please could they invite you a bit more to stuff. Or arrange to visit them individually… Or be an adult and just don't care about two other adults who are twins preferring each others company. But maybe you are very different… like you want to to explore a new city and go out, even by yourself… they're sitting in pj's eating snacks in a new city instead.
You're going to be sharing a room with your sister and doing things with them in a few days. But they wanted to hang out a bit earlier and catch up before doing that with you, and that's making you jealous and angry. But my sisters and brother honestly don't care if I go see one and don't mention it to the others. I've got my own life and friends, it's nice to see them and I love them… but I literally don't care what they do when I can still get to spend some time with them anyway.
I'd say just roll your eyes and be like 'x and x at their usual again” and not care, then have actual not resentful fun with them when you're with them outwith that. And if you can't or they don't want to hang out with you at all, ever… then accept you don't get on with your siblings and ignore them and put effort into people that do want to spend time with you.
right but he still made the choice no? he could have left and built up a relationship with both. HE cheated and got the other woman pregnant. the kids aren’t at fault. he’s a POS
Seriously, her and op's wife are such AH
So you violated his privacy, found nothing and now you’re gonna break up with him? And you’re question is why did he set a boundary with you? Go home.
I’m honestly just annoyed by people like this. She’s practically hurting herself at this point cause she’s just letting him treat her like shit. He’s an absolute piece of shit and she clearly thinks she is too if she doesn’t think she deserves better than this.
You're husband is being abusive. All abuse isn't beating you until you are black and blue.
He KNOWS you don't like it and it is triggering to you and he still does it – that is abusive.
He gaslights you that he didn't know or it's just playful KNOWING you hate it.
If you have to beg for an apology – he doesn't mean it.
If he apologizes for doing it and continues to do it – he doesn't mean it.
Because you apologized he gets to say he didn't do anything wrong or else you wouldn't have apologized.
Your husband is mentally abusing you. He KNOWS it and doesn't care.
DO NOT GO TO THERAPY WITH HIM.
Never go to therapy with someone who abuses you.
You didn’t need to be so rude ?. My anxiety just makes me really overthink things. I came here for advice, I guess I shouldn’t have
What advice are you looking for?
This is probably not the greatest advice, but the first thing I thought of would be to have a calm conversation with her and secretly record it.That way if she accuses you of rape you will have proof.
What advice are you looking for?
He told you he's going to cheat on you. You can accept it or leave. That's it
Seniors did date freshman and it was WEIRD. Why are y’all excusing predatory behavior because “oh they were both in high school, so it’s okay!” One is an adult, the other is a minor. A very young minor. It would be different if she was 17, because they would just have a two year difference. Still, a bit weird, but they’re not FOUR YEARS apart.
Seniors did date freshman and it was WEIRD. Why are y’all excusing predatory behavior because “oh they were both in high school, so it’s okay!” One is an adult, the other is a minor. A very young minor. It would be different if she was 17, because they would just have a two year difference. Still, a bit weird, but they’re not FOUR YEARS apart.
Interesting you only seem to see where you think she is at fault. How about seeing fault in the actual parent that doesn't seem to want to spend time parenting HIS own child.
Sounds like he was looking for a reason to end the relationship. You know how sometimes any little thing someone does just bugs the hell out of you whereas to someone else it might be cute and endearing? You need to find a guy who finds these things endearing.
As for animal fur. I would keep that in the freezer because it’s not sanitary just zipped up in a baggie at room temperature. Could have mites or fungus.
Okay, a few things to consider. Sometimes in venting to someone else, you tend to throw your partner under the bus to make yourself look good. She may well have been going overboard when talking about your sexual issues. Same with “using you for sex.” Odds are that things have changed in her mind since those original 6 months.
There’s been a good point about the “cheating” in the first 6 months, are you sure it was clear that you were exclusive at this time. I’m not talking about a feeling. Were actual words spoken that confirmed you were exclusive? You might have felt you were but she may not have felt the same way.
None of this totally absolves her. At best she’s lied, told others about your sex life, been in compromising situations with other men and failed to communicate to solve your problems. Those reasons alone should be enough to break up if that’s what you want.
I sense however, that you want to reconcile with her and work things out. Sit her down calmly and explain what happened with her phone but don’t say what you found on the phone, anything other than it hurts you to the point where you may have to break up with her. I explain that the only way you could possibly forgive her is that she comes totally clean about everything. Remember, she probably won’t remember exactly was in those messages so either she’ll lie or she would have to totally come clean. From what she says will determine whether you will want to stay. Good luck.
it is a red flag that blocking you on social media is common for your relationship. you’re better off without him
Way to victim blame. Well done. /s
Please respect her decision. You say that you don’t want to cause her any stress or problems, so please don’t put pressure on her to stay.
She has made her choice.
Doesn’t sound like you want the same futures. It’s unfortunate you married before realizing it but that doesn’t change anything.
You have incompatible needs, goals and desires that time won’t fix.
You need to move on and stop getting involved in your ex’s new relationships.
Based on history, it’s pretty likely he’ll cheat on her and break her heart. She has enough info to figure that out for herself. She’ll live.
You are having feelings for the person he was in his teens. You don’t know anything about him now, how he has mature or anything like that. You are just after somebody who doesn’t exist. Even you aren’t the same that you were. Stop fantasizing about somebody that is not real.
Yes!
You can bring this up sensitively by saying: “I can't be with you anymore and we have to break up. Apparently it's against the law for an adult to date a child.”
Walk away and never look back.
We have a bunch of notebooks stores in our attic, we been living here 8 years. It was just a normal black notebook
That sense of relief you feel when you’re not spending time together? That’s your sign it’s time to leave for good.
>>This is the first time I've felt this strongly about her.
This is competition at work, not love for one who got away? Tell yourself that whenever you are inclined to perseverate about her. You left her, and now she has perhaps done better than you (not to sound harsh)? And that is a blow to your ego.
Yeah its just that I've been single for a little while and this is my first time a girls been more interested in me than I am in her so it makes her attractive. I just don't wanna waste time on something that isn't going anywhere because I've already done that with my last relationship.
I don’t care what she says, she wants him and will do whatever it takes to be with him. She doesn’t sound like a very good best friend and needs some damn therapy. Stop being nice and realize this girl isn’t your friend.
This is why you don't “date to marry.” You date to find out if you are compatible with someone enough to eventually get married.
You are not compatible with this man.
CUT HIM OFF AND KICK HIM OUT!!!
I like useless karmapoints too but on a throwaway account it makes even less sense
It just sounds like T just got butthurt that they were wrong. Some people can never admit when they're wrong.
thank you for an actual rational comment
Sorry, I didn’t finish my earlier thought.
Hence what I said to you in a separate comment, I’m not asking about whether men in general should or shouldn’t use viagra or even tell their long term or short term partners. This is about a couple that’s been together for over a decade, working towards ensuring societal gender norms don’t dictate their lives. He’s been protective of me from both sides of the family of how I should or shouldn’t be, and I have reciprocated. We work towards acknowledging each other for who we are and value each other are humans not simply what biology and subsequently society expects from us, cause we’re in our own bubble – admittedly so.
I guess that’s why I’m so hurt and angry, because apparently all that didn’t count for jack sh*t when it really needed to be taken into account.
His total lack of communication is more than a red flag. Its called dodging a bullet.
You saved yourself countless years of always wondering why he is mad at you
If they’ve talked about this before and it was never mentioned then OPs fiancé is likely just scared / nervous because it’s getting close to being real.
Have you sent any texts after the relationship text?
Your reaction is waaaay over the top. I get the decision to have or not have kids is huge, but that is incredibly rude. Nothing justifies you comparing her to her toxic parent.
If she’s willing to have a conversation with you, you need to apologize like there’s no tomorrow. I would also recommend actually listening to her and why she’s having these thoughts.
I wouldn’t give a shit. Like in all honesty.
Did she specify that somewhere or are we assuming based on the fact that she didn't specifically mention it?
Sometimes its right to cut people out of your life (and your mind) purely to protect yourself from the stress/negativity/worry that they bring. Otherwise you are doomed to suffer from those emotions in perpetuity.
That can be really hard to do, especially if you're an empathetic person or they are close family and you dont have any real choice but to deal with them. In those scenarios it can be helpful to have a therapist to talk to about it.
I think it's important to only date when you're really, genuinely ready. If you go into dating with a BABY CLOCK TICKING thing driving you, I think you'll find it harder to make natural connections with people. Don't get me wrong, it's entirely reasonable to be dating to marry, if you see what I mean, with the intention of starting a family, just make sure you establish the relationship FIRST.
Give yourself the time you need. And only you can say when you're ready.
….I really feel we have the same neighbor ? like exact same person
Umm you should have broken up with her a long time ago.
Play a game where you tease each other. So basically you get close to the sexual areas of your body, but you don't go there. It can get pretty intense.
But here is the difference. If he says that he doesn't like it being done to him, then that's fine, that's his opinion. But you can still say what you like being done to you, that you like being touched in your non sexual areas and kissed in certain ways. Any self respecting partner should be able to understand that something that might not work for him, works for you :-p
I would feel so awful in the shoes of your roommate. She lost her lived pet and then a man with whom she has no connection is in her arms, rubs over her, kiss her forehead and she even needs to comfort him. He made this all about him and clearly stomped over bounderies. He isn't close to her. I bet your roommate was so in shock with the death of her cat that she let everything just get over herself. Have you asked your roommate how she felt about this?
But i personally also think: yes, he is your boyfriend, but god i would have hated as your roommate if you couldn't send him away in such a situation and be alone with me. Why did your bf needed to tag alone when he has nothing to do with the roommate? You were there to support your roommate and needed to bring your lover with you. I personally would be so pissef that you can't be there for me one fucking time without him. And then you complain when he tries to comfort her. So did you bring him to comfort you? Or just to watch for roommate while she has an emotional breakdown?
Yes, the reaction of your bf may be meh, but he was brought in a situation he shouldn't be to begin with. This was an emotional and private situation between you and your roommate. He doesn't even know her really. I just feel bad for the roommate who lost her cat and then gets touchy-touchy by the bf of her roommate who she doesn't know and her roommate from who she actually wanted be comforted get jealous.
Sorry to hear that. Sounds like deep down you’re sure what you need to do. Better to cause him temporary pain than to string both of you along in a situation that isn’t working. You deserve to have an awesome sex life and someone who doesn’t offend your intellectual and emotional sensibilities. Good thing you’re still quite young and have plenty of time to move on and find the right one.
Nah. If she moves in, she can help with groceries and save her extra income so if things don't work out she can afford her own place.
However, she still continued to violate my boundaries and knowingly so by continuing to do things that made me uncomfortable.
What exactly would she do that made you uncomfortable? What were your boundaries?
Then you’re in the clear dude. Go ahead and enjoy your life with new friends!!!
This is very controlling and you shouldn't accept it.
She blocked him and moved away. He was a teenager who would have to ask for help and likely couldn't afford a lawyer. A teenager. She absolutely did him dirty.
A lie of omission is still a lie. If he kept this secret from you, what else could he be keeping now and in the future. Time to plan an exit from this relationship.
It's not too soon. You didn't have what you need from him and he didn't change anything about it. I agree with another commentator, you are lonely and think he can make you happy but that is short term solution cuz while someone can make you happy for a while once you are alone you are in same sad state so it's better to learn to be happy alone and when another person comes along they can just add more happiness cuz ultimately he isn't responsibly for your happiness, you are.
It's hard to separate the money out of the situation, but I didn't care about paying for the repair. I was annoyed at the indecision and being called a cheapskate more than anything and wanted to see if I was off-base. I felt like my contributions were not being recognized, or I was being taken for granted.
Everything has been great for the past year though. Being more transparent about our finances, and talking through some underlying issues helped create a more solid foundation.
We both have some altruistic goals, so if we invest heavily now, we should be able to accomplish those later.
You sound insane expecting him to never interact with another female human for the rest of his life. It’s nuts. You definitely need therapy. The problem is you and ONLY you.
Also, if he wants to cheat on you, there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. It’s a waste of time for you to get this worked up constantly over something you actually have no control over.
First, I appreciate you so much, because your intuition is so spot on, and you thought to mention your grandfather.
Its quite traumatic for children to be dismissed and criticized. But its especially traumatic to a child when love is withheld for any reason. In your case it was used as a method of control and punishment.
Let's dissect what a child hears when love is withheld as a form of punishment, just for learning and developing. It sends a very loud and clear message to a child that you are not worthy of guidance. It also says you aren't good enough just the way you are. And if you make a mistake you are unlovable.
Love is a childs most basic need. Without love, a child is forced into survival mode. They shut down true parts of themselves, and it remains that way until we, as adults, rescue those parts from hibernation.
How he treated you was never your fault. Children can't be bad. They have no life experience, no knowledge, little vocabulary and depend wholly on the adults around them. Children look to adults to reflect the beliefs they will later have about themselves. If grandpa pulled his love from you during the times when you needed his guidance, you will do the same to yourself when people try to help you now. Hope that part really hits home for you!
There was never anything wrong with you. And you were always deserving of gentle, non-punishing guidance. The way people interact with you now, is coming from those who are viewing you through a different lens than your grandfather used. They see your inherent value and worth. They also appreciate you, which is why they offer you help and guidance. People like you, and want to do things for you. Its not easy to accept because what gets wired in development kind of gets stuck as the truth.
Sadly, your grandfather is likely mimicking his own parents on how to handle children when making natural developmental mistakes. I would bet that you also struggle a bit with perfectionism?
There are methods that can help you to unstick those early childhood beliefs. But mostly, its important that you connect to the pain of that rejection. Grieve. Behind grief is new perspectives and the real truth about ourselves.
Wishing you the best! You truly deserve the time and attention of others.
im sorry for your loss, and im really trying to be nice when i say this; but it seems that you would have had this reaction either way. im also mentally ill and changes take a lot out of me, but he’s in his right to date again, and i feel you should reach out to a therapist for help, or maybe a therapist for all three of you to have a common and same place for all to talk your feelings out
Ain't nobody asking you to cumswap with her but it's kinda a bitch move to nut in a girl's mouth and expect her to brush and mouthwash before you'll kiss her. You'll never admit it but guaranteed you're the type of dude that won't go down on a woman unless she's freshly clean shaven and just out of the shower.
He needs to stop jerking off so much. That will fix him right up.
Oh fuck that, he's controlling and wants to isolate you/financially control you. My advice would be to walk out.
Maybe he'll pull his head out of his ass during the separation. But probably not. Continuing in this marriage as is sounds like a life sentence, to me.
So what's your question? You have to have one of those here or the mods delete your post.
He states he understands he had an emotional affair, according to him he looked into it before he told me about him. He continues to tell Me to focus on the why and what lacks in the marriage than focusing on the women and how they need distance
Move in so a year down the line we can get an inevitable update on things going sour. Pls. I need it.
I was upset with him that he didn’t keep his boundary
It was your boundary though. It sounds like he just agreed to appease you. Every step of this was you suggesting what he was doing was wrong and him just agreeing even though he clearly didn’t think so. This requires a more in-depth conversation where you give him the space to be honest with you and you communicate your thoughts without telling him all the things he’s doing wrong. Explain to him alternatives to help T instead of talking about how he’s not helping. All this negativity is causing a rift in your relationship and I think you’re both just approaching this from entirely the wrong angle.
And why exactly would you go back
Her dance card seems pretty full
Dam forget the prenup, you sound like my ex, clearly you have issues and severe ones
I mean I appreciated this post and the sentiment, but isn’t cheating or not cheating about yourself and your personal values, and not whether or not you feel loved in a certain relationship? I mean sometimes relationships hit rough patches where we think our partners aren’t loving us the way we deserve or love them, I don’t cheat because I’m not a cheater, not because I happen to love them a lot and if I didn’t I would. Not a judgment of you btw.
Yeah we’re friends, known him for about a year now we have a friend group that we all get together and go to concerts and drink sesh etc and we ended up hooking up one night (id say beginning of March) and saw eachother 3 more times (apart from our friend group) I’ll sleep over and he did told me he liked me??
lol never speak to him again
File for divorce and go for joint or full custody, depending on if you think she’s a neglectful mother. But keeping her as a wife is not good for you. You need to move in from this toxic relationship.
You're clearly trying to dictate it! You have a problem with how hes choosing to live his life and who he helps and who he shares it with and this is either the second time youve posted in or else youve stolen and expanded upon what someone else posted the other day because your story is almost IDENTICAL. If this is a repost, you're probably not going to get any better answers than you did before, or rather you're not going to get answers you like any better than before.
He's quite simply not your responsibility. He hasnt listened to your input on the situation if youve given it, so its clear enough hes just venting rather than looking for an actual solution. Nothing reddit can advise you on will change his reaction to you giving him advice. He's using you as free therapy, and you're going to burn out trying to keep him warm. This is not an equal relationship, friends or not.
Because most porn with 2 women isn’t wlw porn. It’s fetishizing shit made for straight men.
He’s right, it’s not gay, because the whole conceit of it is that the women are just performing for a man.
A man marries a woman hoping she won't change, but she will. A woman marries a man hoping he will change, but he won't.
-not sure
I’m sorry but if this girl is crying over not being able to paraphrase quotes in a thesis for a bachelor’s degree… life is gonna hit her hard right in the face.
y’all are not trying