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Date: October 18, 2022
There’s a huge red flag here for sure. It’s just not coming from him.
I don't understand the emoji.
Yeah that’s why I just don’t know what to do I just feel horrible. It’s affecting me all the time and her name was Trinity so I see her name in public all the time cause of churches and other shit around me lol. It’s just really hard I don’t have any friends anymore either cause my childhood best friend moved in 11th grade so I’ve been really lonely after losing both of them and I’ve gone through like everything between me and her in my head a million times always feeling like I messed everything up. Idk exactly what abandonment issues are like I could guess from the name but what it did give me is extreme anxiety when trying to talk to anyone in general more specifically girls I used to be shy in the first place but now it’s so hard to even say anything back when one talks to me trying to chat like friends cause I just get terrified never used to happen until after she rejected me and stopped acting the same way it was really traumatizing for like 15 year old me
He's probably done. This gets old. He wants to enjoy his holiday and be at peace not apprehensive of what could take place if yall talk.
I will say to give a specific time frame if childish and just pushes my theory that he's done or someone else is coming into the picture. Let him go as a lover and get peace. Find what you really want and move on.
So NO don't text someone who don't wanna be texted.
Leave this selfish man. He is scary, rude, self centered, and doesn’t seem like a good husband or partner. Wake up love, you deserve better.
You’re not meant to nickel and dime the person you’re in a relationship with dude. I see why your relationships haven’t worked out. Can’t take you seriously once you start bringing the bible into it ahaha
Or she’s not the ONLY one.
He sounds like the type to have multiple baby moms and use them and their children as pawns for entertainment and control
He's your first serious one, and it sounds like he developed feelings outside of your relationship while “working late.”
Whether or not he cheated, he didn't put effort into YOUR relationship. That to me says he's not really a keeper, just trying to monkey branch to something new and fresh.
Something similar happened to me. I know your pain. I could hardly eat for weeks. I wanted to cry and just stare at my ceiling and make the pain go away. Unfortunately you can't make the hurt stop, you have to push through it. Push through it knowing that it hurts now, but this is leading you to a better partner in the future. I look back in that pain and think “oh, well actually he WASN'T always a great bf. We were really incompatible in THESE ways and I had growing to do to.” It allowed me to be with better men for me, who treated me better.
Do yourself a favor; block him. On everything. Socials (or you will obsess), phone, everything. It's hard but it'll force you to go find other outlets for your sadness. My most recent ex was a YouTuber, so I know it's garbage and it was such a huge help to not see his channel pop up.
Write a list of every crappy thing he did/ didn't do. Reread it. Lean on friends. Hit the gym or go outside for a walk. Cuddle cats, watch movies, just get through the next few weeks. It'll get easier, I promise
What happened with the part time jobs? Why can't she work full-time? How does she pay for her apartment and animals? If she can't accept the responsibility of a job but wants to get married??
I just don’t like her because I don’t. She’s bossing me around in my own house and I don’t like it
And that’s understandable OP! As many on this thread have said, to me it’s not tip-toeing if I don’t tell my partner explicitly about all the details of the sex I’ve had with who and where. I don’t do this because it hurts and offends me when my partner does this (because really, what relevance does any of this has to do and why do they want to paint a vivid picture in my head of them having sex with others?). A good chunk of people feel this way and hence, oversharing might create some problems in the relationship.
A good rule of thumb is to monitor how you would feel if your partner told you everything you tell him. If this doesn’t make you feel anything negative, then that’s good. This just means you need a partner who functions the same way as you do. Oversharing about the past can be a compatibility issue with some, but there are many people who feel the same as you do. Focus on finding your match with someone who wants to know and wants to share everything. This way you can have your absolute candidness with a partner and you don’t have to worry about ”oversharing”.
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This isn't AITA. You don't need to use the judgements from there.
This is the way.
If you tell her just be prepared for him to say you are lying and her to not believe you. So you’ll need receipts. And don’t be surprised if she stays with him anyway.
I (female) have a male best friend. We hug hello and goodbye, and we do those cheek kisses where it's just your cheeks that touch. We talk and text at all hours of the day and night (we're shift workers so the 9-5 daily routine doesn't exist for us.) We discuss everything from our favourite movies to relationship issues. My dude really likes him too and when we hang out I become third wheel sometimes.
BUT. It took us a few years to get to this, and I sure as hell don't hold hands, get hugged from behind, have my neck touched etc by him.
I guess some people are more touchy-feely than others, but you are right to not be OK with this and I think it's absolutely OK for you to lay down boundaries.
In general I would agree, but with the caveat that some people are just inherently young for their age. My sister in her early thirties is very happily married to someone nine years her senior. They are clearly at the same maturity level and always have been (she’s an old head on young shoulders, he’s the baby of a family and young for his age).
In this case, though…. no way. Just no way. Even the way OP talks belies the maturity gap.
As others have said: she has already slept with him and will monkey-branch to him if she can.
Get out. Run. There is literally zero chance this ends in any positive way for you.
That's a problem. You have to change yourself for yourself in the first place. Meaning, it does not matter if anyone else sees it or not.
If you try to change for someone else, it won't last. And you will hurt your family all ovet again.
That is your answer, then.
Also: if you get back together, what keeps him from walking out on you with a newborn? Or a three years old? Or a teen?
Most divorces happen when a couple has small children: that time is exhausting, very hard to handle, and super easy to fight when you've havent had a good night of sleep for months!!! and both of you are overwhelmed, because there's a colicy baby screaming.
Only keep the baby, if you can see the two of you soldering through the hardships, and doing it with love and trust.
My step mom has had a steel rod in her spine for over 35 years because of her Ex DDing on a motorcycle. The highway curved, but they didn't. Don't replace your spine with a steel rod, GTFO.
I’ve given him the ultimatum and it’s like he doesn’t care. He says if I’m not what you want and you want someone rich, then break up with me. I’ve told him similar things like I don’t care to be rich or have three cars and a mansion.. I just want to know if shit were to hit the fan(medical bill, car expense, etc) he would be able to handle it. Or just to be able to enjoy life instead of constantly worrying about money. If it were me I would be doing anything in my power to get my shit together for our relationship but he doesn’t and I think that’s what hurts the most. Like he doesn’t care about our relationship enough to get his stuff in order. I know that sound manipulative “like oh if you really loved me you would do this” but that’s how I feel.
I hate to admit but I took her initial declaration of being “clingy” as a good thing… only because in my mind I sort of naively thought: “well, I love being around my partner and doing everything together too!” I admittedly didn’t expect this level or type of behavior though… or perhaps I was willing to ignore it because I was just very ready for a committed and deep connection in a relationship and it’s biting me in the ass???
Oh dear…
Look, to any 45 year old, a 25 year old looks like a veritable child (so babyfaced!). Even moreso when you have a daughter aged 16. Your BF is keeping this relationship a secret because he knows he would be hounded out and ostracized not just by his ex wife (BTW are you 100% certain that the wife is an ex?), but pretty much everyone in his friendship group too, because other people his age know how messed up it is to date someone so much younger (its like a 25 year old going out witha 15 year old).
The age gap is so big, you have almost nothing in common. And men his age don't seek out women your age because they want a balanced dynamic. Usually for the younger party it is about emotional needs and stability, but for the older party they seek power, control and physical lust. But such men also tend to suffer from a great deal insecurity and paranoia issues because while it can initially be a big ego trip to catch someone so young, the mans advanced years (and I guarantee you that at 45 there will be all kinds of things he will be feeling because of his age) will also make him feel increasingly worried that you'll one day trade him in for a fitter and/or younger model.
When such older men suffer from insecurity and paranoia issues, it can go South very quickly. He already had you under a lot of control, taking advantage of your younger years and lack of life experience to coax you into staying quiet and secretive about your relationship, which meant that the dynamic was not healthy even when things were “good” (it is not healthy nor normal to be in a relationship which you have to keep secret about to everyone). But now he's suffering from paranoia, he thinks nothing of being manipulative and emotionally abusive to reign you in even tighter.
You have done NOTHING wrong here. You didn't cheat on your BF and your mistake was completely innocent. Anyone can come back late from an appointment by accident, its going to happen sometimes in life! But that his mind went straight to you cheating on him, is messed up.
These issues are coming from within him (not you). And I'm afraid that unless he deals with his demons (his age-related insecurities, etc) there is not a lot you can do to fix any of this. Because even if you behave extremely submissive, that will long-term only enable his insecurities further. And the more under his control you become, the more your isolation in life will worsen and the harder it will be to leave this relationship.
There are so many older guys who tell their young partners that their marriage to their wife is dead, dying or sexless, that they will move out soon (and make everything official when they do). “Just a little while longer, I love you”. But 9/10, the man has no intention of wrecking his whole reputation and ruining his family life by trading it all in for a young mistress . So the young partner just gets stringed along waiting for a respectable relationship that never ends up materializing (extra icing on the cake if the whole stories about the marriage being over or near-over end up being a lie). And these kinds of relationships often turn abusive.
My advice would be to end things. You need to go have a life. This relationship isn't good or normal. Please reconnect with your family and friends. You need to be around people your own age and not living in some middle aged guys house as his dirty little secret. You are a victim here and things will only get worse if you let him bully and emotionally manipulate you into thinking you were the one in the wrong here. He's already made you feel terrible for something you never did wrong, next? He will be trying to control your movements and appearance.
that i don’t trust her.
That gave me a good chuckle. I wonder whyever not?
You did the right thing, the only problem is you did it a bit too late. Of course she wouldn't make any concessions for you in the relationship because she demonstrated very clearly, from very early on that she is a hypocrite that has zero respect for you.
Just don't get sucked back in because nothing is going to change. Move on, find someone more suitable.
this type of situation
It's called “cheating” to put it bluntly. I'd tell her she needs to make up her mind about her on/off relationship before pursuing something with you. You don't want to be in a relationship with her founded on cheating and lying (more than it already is).
If you have a one year old together then you are all family and you felt comfortable telling his stepmother and sister. I don't think he's untrustworthy, I just think he needed someone to talk to and him and his sister are close.
I don't know what dictionary you got your definition of “accident” from, but none of this was accidental.
You've been deliberately hanging out with and flirting with a guy you're attracted to, have hidden the fact that you have a boyfriend from him, have consented to be in a relationship with him, and have kissed him.
None of this is accidental. This is you just making piss-poor decisions and cheating on your boyfriend.
You should be stressed. You're making fools of two men right now with your crappy choices.
This is pure manipulation and it's only going to make you resent him more. Please don't make this a binding contract where you actually have to sign something.
Believe him. Leave.