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Date: October 1, 2022
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I mean obviously he's trying to manipulate you with the present. That's what abusers do. They say/do whatever they can think of to ellicit a response.
Don't tell him shit. You don't owe him an explanation. Don't respond to him at all. Block him on everything. If he shows up at work or your home call the police.
I get it! It’s just a different approach. I guess I just tend to be direct, and get better results. With my current boyfriend, yes there was a flirting stage, but that only went on for a week before I asked him out for drinks. That way ball was in his court and I knew whether or not he was interested.
But you can still keep things cheeky/flirty even after you being dating!
He was maybe wrong for forcing the game to continue, without at least explaining why. Was he just trying to play out a strategy in the deck to see if it worked out? Or is he just one of those people that has to see a game through for it to count? If he was trying something new, I could see him wanting to play it all the way out to see if the strategy needs tweaking.
You were wrong for getting pissy about it and snapping back at him. But you made the sandwich anyways and apologized.
He was wrong for stomping off and being pissy about a comment. He was wrong to not accept your apology and move on.
Sounds like you are both a bit immature. Just give him some space and let him calm down, then have a heart to heart about how you can both better handle situations like this in the future. You can come out of this stringer if you handle it well
He was having sex with a teenager? How long have y’all had this relationship?
My ex husband and I had sex maybe once every 8 months. When we did have sex I usually didn't orgasm. I left because he was threatening me and stealing my money. I thought my bf and I were on the same page. We talked all the time about our compatability. Since he moved in though it wasn't what I expected. It's still amazing though.
Break up and stick to that. He crossed a boundary and refuses to respect it. What other boundaries will he cross and not respect??
Break it off. He wants to explore other people. he literally told you that. what he didn't tell you is he just wants to keep you on the hook incase that doesn't work out. RUN. It will turn into more.
Just be honest! His disorder doesn’t mean he gets a free ride when it comes to a relationship and chores, he needs to find things that help him get them done! He seems quite emotionally dependent too and that isn’t the best thing, it can form into toxic manipulative behaviour, just try to talk it out with him and not accept the apologies etc whole heartedly until he proves he can change!
This girl was so drunk that people came to check on her because they were concerned. She was so drunk that she can’t clearly remember everything. She was too drunk to consent. Ergo, assault. That’s just how it is.
If anyone – man, woman, non binary person – is clearly really really drunk, just don’t go there. If they are so drunk you wouldn’t let them sign a contract, they’re too drunk to consent to sex.
Proud of you! Keep knowing your worth!
Not only is she in danger but since he knows her family members they’re in danger now as well. Sometimes stalkers go after family members.
She’s abusing you and using this as a way to manipulate you into thinking you’re responsible for her abuse. You did nothing wrong. If it wasn’t this it’d be something else she’d have grabbed on to to justify treating you awfully. How many years of your life are you happy to spend being treated like this? 5 years? 10? 20? Forever?
You deserve better. Leave.
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I whole heartedly agree
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“The buttplug doesn't seem like a good compromise”… Wtf, of course it isn't good, or reasonable, or even something you should think about or consider, it is fucking stupid and awful. Your husband not knowing women are humans is also incredibly weird, how does one go about life for years without realizing that EVERY HUMAN POOPS AND FARTS how can he be so clueless. Don't compromise on that, fart and poop to your hearts content and teach him about good manners
You do understand that young girls in their 20s NEVER need to pay for sex? There's no market for that. Why would a young woman pay for something she can get for free at the snap of her fingers.
How did you get to that conclusion?
Traditional relationships, or relationships of the past did not include hanging out one on one with another sex. Even today when a husband hangs out with a single woman today, people think they are cheating and vice versa.
I personally do not think there's anything wrong when a couple agrees to a traditional relationship. It's their business.
You have to block him in every way possible. He will never leave her. He is turning to you fulfill his emotional needs.
The only way for you to move on is to cut him off 100%.
I’m sorry, I know it hurts. You deserve someone who is honest, not a cheater, and who can give you all of themself.
I tried clarifying the situation with the landlady her reply was “I'm not sure if you are bored today or if you are a person prone to exaggeration. But I have known about all of this for more than a month and have declined to say anything hoping that the two of you could work this out.” She later sent out an email, which she claims she sent to all 4 tenants, though there is no way to tell since she BCC'd it, just asking that if we have any problems with each other to work it out amongst ourselves.
My lease goes until next October and if I moved I could potentially be responsible for all the rent owed until then, my lease says this is the case though my state law says it is a landlord's responsibility to rent the unit as soon as possible and they cannot charge for months when there is no actual loss. Also, it was incredibly hard to find this rental, this is a small college town and rent here is nearly double surrounding areas, my only options are trailer parks where there are weekly shootings (and I wouldn't be able to afford the utilities) or places way outside my budget. It's possible that I may move in with my boyfriend at some point but there are several obstacles to that, and we have only been dating for 3 months, so it's a little premature even if it was an option.
He did seem genuinely remorseful and upset that I was upset and did say he didn’t know how young she was and was upset about that I just don’t know how to stop feeling insecure and bad like I am just not a teenage Instagram influencer in any capacity
WTF? This isn’t normal.
If your wife does still want to attend events with her side of the family you or her, or both, need to insist that you will not attend due to the sister's behavior. Tell her family what happened and make sure they know why you're not going to be around her anymore and that if they try to surprise them by having her show up without telling you, that you won't be seeing them anymore either. It's not just about reassuring your wife. What's going to reassure her more is your actions, not words. That is evident. If you act like you're uncomfortable with the sister, that you're disgusted by her and never want to see her again, and you make it a point to tell the family this, she'll be able to actually see that you mean this in real life, rather than just you saying it.
2
Honestly probably still wouldn’t matter. My gf wears bulky oversized sweaters and people still stare
Good for you for deciding on therapy. I highly recommend the book Adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It sounds like the real damage in your relationship wasn't their polyamory & lies, that was the surface-level trauma, but years of their emotional and physical neglect.
I suggest looking at websites like Psychology Today to see if any therapists in your area will click with your specific issues, parental neglect, anxiety, childhood trauma & work on sliding scale. You can look at local clinics, often times therapists getting their hours completed also take sliding scale. In your case though, I wouldn't shop around for the cheapest, I would look for the best fit. If you are new to therapy know you can ask for a 15-20-minute free consult. Any therapist worth their weight will talk on the phone or meet you for a free chat. I am sure a good fit is out there & if you are getting married, now is a great time to really be willing to examine any patterns you have from experiencing neglect in childhood & work on healing, so you don't repeat them in your marriage. Good luck!
He said it happened once. And you did say HE is suffering.
“She’s the one who actually cheated yet you’re the one who has to continuously suffer for it day after day.”
lmao I love that this is where your mind went. Mine went “well obviously it's DnD night”
Codependent much
He is an AH!!
Your time is just as valuable and you will be saving lives, he just earns money. Your time will mean more to many family members of the people you save, versus his making money.
Your values do not line up anymore, he is all about the money and selfish!!
I think being married to a person who makes fun of you and jokes about suicide probably isn't helping your depression. Do you know how many people find their depression resolving when they leave a toxic partner? It's an effective treatment.
And your partner is toxic.
Either he doesn't care if you live or die, hopes for the latter, or is just staggeringly insensitive.
I would make him an ex for this.
It's probably huge to him that you are with him. And if he's not very sociable and is conservative, that might be very hard to replace.
What you can do that he doesn't do for himself: listen to him. Be kind to him. Provide physical affection.
You should have burned that bridge after the first time he kicked you out. Time to finally cut your losses
I think he thinks that I don't like one of the girls he was going out with, which I've told him it's not true
I’m with your friends, I was angry reading this. She has zero respect for you, she treats you like some kind of emotional douche. For god’s sake get out and try to rediscover your own personal value. You are better than this, certainly you are better than her.
Have him switch back to the more generous, celebratory bf from last year.
There's simply no compromise between having a dog and not having a dog. His suggested compromise (you volunteering at a shelter) is not a compromise at all. He gives up nothing in that scenario, and you certainly don't need his permission to volunteer somewhere (if this is representative of how he usually interacts with you, he sounds extremely controlling)! This is an incompatibility, and it sounds like a deal-breaker level incompatibility for both of you. For me, it would be a relationship-ender. I love animals. I will always have pets. I would never be in a relationship with someone who didn't like pets.
Move out, get your second dog. Date sometime who loves your pets!
If it's not a “Hell, yes!” Then it's a “No”.
This person can't give you what you want.
Your bf has been CLEAR FROM DAY ONE that he will never ever want ANY pets, EVER.
The only reason your existing dog moved in with him is because you already had the dog.
He has been waiting 8 years for your dog to die.
I am not exaggerating.
Remember the fight you had when you were moving in about getting rid of the dog?
NOTHING has changed.
Why aren't you listening to his very clear words?? Start treating your soon to be ex-partner with more respect… when someone says No, they mean No.
Stop using the word “compromise” when what you mean is that you want him to change his mind and agree to pets. That isn't compromise.
Go find a partner who also loves pets. There are millions of them.
He doesn't respect you or your body. No doesn't mean keep trying even if I'm unconscious. He's gross.
There's no way I would stay with someone like this.
Thanks appreciate the comment. To give some context we live two hours apart…. But she is gone from work out of town 7 hours away from her house 7 out of every 12 days.:. So she only sleeps at her house on average 12/13 nights a month. I would always see her on her days off Atleast 2-3 of her 5 days off… so even if I lived at her house it would still be semi long distance since she’s gone 55% of the year for work… See why it was maybe hard for me to commit to moving so fast? But now that’s she gone I wish I did. I know I’m not thinking rationally so when strangers like you say hey you are normal for slowing it down.:. It makes me feel better for sure
Dump him. He’s a bully. It won’t get better. You can’t change him.
You’re absolutely right. Ignoring the brother-in-law will just cause him to create more. Have a good hopes of getting attention. Maybe he’s fucking with the wedding cake or ruining any speeches given, etc.
OP, Hire a couple of big bouncers and keep the clown the fuck out. You gotta start setting some serious boundaries. I hate to think of what your life is going to be like marrying into this mess unless you set a very firm tone from the beginning that you will never accept this bullying and/or childish behavior.
Well that sounds like a lot of crazy, so do you wanna be a daddy? It's pretty much that simple. I wouldn't even trust my condoms around this person.
He yells at you and calls you names? That's not getting “wound up”, that's being verbally abusive.
He's already told you that's how he is and that it's going to continue. I speak AH fluently and what he means is he's going to continue to yell at you and call you names because that's how he is and he's entitled enough to think you “have” to forgive him.
You can wait around as long as you like but this is who he is and he's told you that. He's not going to change because he doesn't want to.
You’re both far too irresponsible to raise a child
You’re in a tough spot. Assuming you want to have biological children, you don’t have forever to make that happen. I just want to note that his homophobia won’t be a nonissue if your kid(s) end up being straight: Half the parenting team will be prejudiced, and teaching values/shaping views is one of the most important parts of parenting.
Good luck to you.
Please don’t stay with him….
If you were 21 may understand your ignorance on how people may act, but you are getting too old to look this childish.
the idea of privacy
There's only two ways to keep your marriage a secret “private” – omission or lying. You say you're not talking about avoidance and you agree that telling his workplace she's his gf is also not acceptable. There's no third option here.
I think you should start working with a therapist 1 on 1 to piece together your self esteem and help you move onto the next stage of your life, far away from this guy.
For the phone breach of trust argument. You had a gut instinct that something was off, so you checked, and of course, you were right. If she tries to be upset about it, tell her in a stern and no-nonsense tone that she doesn't get to play the victim. She lost that privilege by cheating.
That sounds horrible but jesus to just leave it there and go sit somewhere else?!
No.. id be embarrassed af bt id apologize and clean up after myself rather than having my roommate look at me like i did it on purpose or dont have the decency to admit i did something wrong. And get it checked out.
She's an adult. Medical conditions i can completely understand being embarrassed i can understand bt that doesn't excuse her not cleaning up her pee from a chair that isnt hers and leaving it to smell and soak into shit.
What is narcissism for 1000$, Alec
Block her number
Sounds like she has already mentally checked out mate.
Not mean, just honest. I don’t mean anything bad by calling bullshit bullshit. Educate yourself on sexism, it’s not something you cry when men harass women.
I am going to therapy, I can get very angry and stressed and am on medication for that. The thing is he never apologizes for anything nor owns up to his mistakes. I would forgive him if he did this but he is just blaming me for blowing up and leaving all the cleaning up to him. I told him none of this justifies him using violence and he said that therefore we have nothing else to talk about and should get a divorce like I asked.
That’s self delusion.
It’s the lie you tell yourself because it’s easier then personal growth and accountability.
There are always signs.
No one can force you to change your mind but you do get the life consequences from it.
Go talk to a therapist. Convince them there were no signs. It would do you well.
He did not text or call me since last night. Even though I apologized. I don't know if that means we're over or what.
If you don't know, make it official: call him and say you are done. He knew you live under an exhausting work hours yet he insisted to meet you and even demanded you to drive to his place… Gosh, you deserve better
Dump him and go focus in your career. The right person will appear soon or later
Anybody got a link to that reddit post from that lady that drew up an estimate for her husband to have his baby? If l remember it well, the numbers in there were quite a bit larger than the numbers in this topic.
Just remember, IANAL so please get proper advice from a solicitor.
Aside from the obvious ideas, it is possible that there is a fictitious element to his marriage. Any chance he's helping out a friend's niece with visa problems?
????????