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teerry chat
Date: October 23, 2022
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teerry chat
I have been in some sort of throuple before. But it was different, I was with both the guys. I must say it wasn't great, for many reasons. But most importantly, if you are the “last one arrived” it's hard. It's not a symmetrical relationship, you do not have the same rights and it just doesn't really work. I am totally into throuples if they are born together, that's great to me, but if the relationship extends later it might be difficult.
I just didn't understand what you meant with this:
Just be careful OP, don’t let yourself get blindsided if things suddenly change
I should have added “… unless it's on advice from a lawyer.” Lawyers will often tell you not to, because it makes it less likely that you'll be awarded the right to stay in it after the divorce.
Doesn't matter you shouldn't entertain anything else with her regardless of what she says.
Best guess would be she's just been on an average date and needs a boost in confidence by messaging you expecting you to chase her
Right. Good point. Although, I think even telling my friend would potentially lead to her avoiding me because she might feel ashamed of her secret.
The more this happens, the less I'm going to believe it's an accident. He's is causing you many very real injuries and it troubles me that he doesn't take that more seriously.
He goes out around twice per month but drinks to the point he cannot speak properly & cannot remember anything in the morning.
Look, everyone has had a couple nights like that because they accidentally drank something stronger than they realized. That couple is in their lives not in a month.
We realize “that was stupid” and don't do it again. We don't do it every month. That's being an alcoholic.
You're marrying an addict. He's peeing because he's an addict. He's drunk walking because he's an addict.
Do you want him to shake the baby in his drunken state?
The wedding needs to be paused and he needs to get help for his addiction.
Trust your gut
There isn't, she's ready, you aren't.
I think the fact you’re willing to go to therapy and fight for the relationship is a sign that you do love her romantically. That said, I understand entirely how it feels to be in a relationship without physical intimacy and I know it’s extremely draining. Feeling desired and having physical closeness is so important in a partner, and the longer it goes on the more resentment tends to build. Couples therapy can be very helpful to get to the root of the romantic block between you both. Maybe you don’t have romantic feelings, but those are things you’ll come to realize as you analyze the relationship.
My advice, fight for the relationship, but don’t discount your needs. If you come to the conclusion that you don’t have a romantic connection, be honest with her and break up asap. I prolonged my decision, and I know my partner felt the difference in the way I began treating him. Best of luck to you both
Thanks this gives me a bit to think about. How would you recommend I go about it?
Well, love is a verb. If you don’t feel loved, her saying it doesn’t seem to fix that, does it. Do you feel loved and accepted by her?
He cheated on her as well and 3 months ago was searching for someone to sext with on Reddit. They deserve each other.
I really understand what you're going thru, bc I'm also autistic and have almost exactly the same problems. I'm probably much older than you (late 30s), and I wasn't diagnosed until a few years ago, but I think that might be a good thing when it comes to offering some advice- since I spent most of my life being judged without the context for why I act so differently, and then spent the last few years confronting my issues and learning how to either adjust my behavior or learn how to address the behavior of others. And based on what you've described, it seems like you need some direction in all regards, which, unfortunately, I nor anyone else can fully provide in this way, even if we can relate, because the fact is we're all different…so what you really need (and I can't stress this enough) is a professional counselor to help guide you. And I don't mean just a psychologist or psychiatrist to listen to your problems, I mean an organization or counseling center that deals specifically with autism. There's bound to be one located in most major cities, but if that's not an option for you, they offer virtual meetings.
Honestly, this is a necessary step for most of us and I'll tell you why. It's because they don't just help you understand your specific needs, which is half the battle, but even more importantly, they will teach you how to organize a support system around you- so you don't have anyone in your life calling you slow or being insensitive to what you're dealing with…because what you're dealing with everyday is hard enough on its own without the support of those closest to you.
Like just for example, it seems like you have similar difficulties listening and keeping up in conversations. I used to think that I had a hearing problem, but when they tested my hearing, it was perfectly fine. So the next step was testing my auditory processing…and there it was, the whole problem. Not my ears, but my brain. I had an auditory delay, which explained everything. And what's weird is that I never noticed that I was catching the first part of a conversation, esp with jokes, which I wouldn't catch if I had a hearing problem, but then I was totally missing the punchline, because the delay in processing the first part was distracting my attention. Next thing I know, everyone's laughing and I have no idea why. And so I spent most of my life either mimicking reactions or staring so blankly that I often became a target for mockery. So I do know the feeling, and it makes a lot of social interactions turn awkward. And yeah, sometimes it's pretty hurtful, because it's not about lacking intelligence. I've heard it said that autistics often don't understand neurotypical jokes or sarcasm, but in my case (and I'd argue that it's probably the same for many others), I have both a high IQ, a good education, and an excellent sense of humor. So it's not that I can't get the joke or understand what someone is saying…I just need a 1/2 of a second longer to process what I'm hearing. Now I can't reasonably ask or expect others to speak slower just for my sake, but what I can do is let them know that they might have to repeat things that I didn't catch.
And because I can explain what I need & why, I can now expect others (esp my close friends & family) to be more understanding & respectful without having to constantly explain or pretend that its not an issue. I mean, not being able to “hear” or simply follow a conversation is a pretty damn significant problem…so addressing it was an absolute life changer for me! And so that is my advice to you.
All in all, the word “autism” is too broad to explain yourself to others, and frankly, it's more confusing than helpful. It often spurs inaccurate judgements more than support & understanding. This I've been learning the hard way, and so now I don't even say “I'm autistic” as much as I point to my actual deficits- like, “Sorry, I didn't catch what you said. I've got an 'auditory processing delay.' Would you mind repeating it?” And nobody points and laughs anymore. They just say, “sure!” Because it's not “weird” anymore, because I'm not acting weird or awkward about it…because I finally understand it, and I'm ok with it now.
And that's the thing, you see? People will follow your lead, once you know how to direct them. So seek out that direction! Confront your issues & get some answers on what's so puzzling about you & to you, but ultimately for you…so you can show whoever called you “slow” that you don't have to be an asshole, who has to put a friend down, to feel good about yourself.
You can change everything if you really want to! And I really hope you do, because it's just a matter of time & effort. And there are people who can help you find your way, with the least amount of both. And that's all that I can really tell you- screw the trial & error method of working issues out on your own, because the struggle is real!
Do you think I am the disaster?
She was never completely honest with you as she hid this part of her life from you. Now that this is coming out you need to have 50/50 custody and have full access to your kids. Your marriage is over. At least she isn’t lying about this and having an affair outside. It’s normal to be devastated. Move on and find someone who is true to themselves and to you.
stop leading her on then
but it's been almost 4 years and instead of having discussions about it or, I don't know, leaving before now.. he chose to let resentment build. not everyone likes to do those things and it's 100% possible to have adult conversations to find common ground to stand on.
there are also a whole slew of ways to give someone affection and show love through physical touch that don't involve kissing or sharing food. And if that was too much of an issue for him, then he shouldn't have waited almost 4 years to blow up, ruin her birthday, and leave. especially over something -he absolutely already was aware wouldn't happen how he wanted it to-
Why are you dealing with her instead of your husband? She basically demanded you use her card because she wanted to treat the kids, but then went bonkers when they drank some hot chocolate? As others have said, she has some mental issue.
First off, I didn't “imply” that the post screams that. Did he try to understand what was failing his relationship.
His fiancee could be going through postpartum depression. OP didn't explain the extent of relationship or breakup on purpose because he knows he was at fault. He would have definitely gone in depth if that wasn't the case.
So let's not pretend he didn't fuck up his relationship because that's what exactly he did.
No he will not stop. He is a grown man in control of his own actions. He hit you with purpose. LEAVE HIM.
Her being clumsy with bills is not an excuse for him to berate and scream at her.
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Umm; she knew going in what he wanted. She knew he wanted to fuck her, she wanted money. I do t think actual rape victims would appreciate calling this rape.
Healthy relationships are founded on love, trust, respect and compassion.
Telling you that your boundaries “are dumb” is not respectful. It is, however, telling you that his desire to see painted titties is more important to him than respecting you. If he wants to be trusted, then he should focus on being trustworthy.
The big question is: Why does he feel this way? What emotional or sexual need is he trying to fulfill by being around women dressed like that?
Your boundaries are your boundaries. If something makes you uncomfortable, and you've communicated that to him, then it's up to him to decide whether doing the action is more important to him than staying in the relationship.
FWIW, as a 57M, I agree with your take – going to an establishment that features topless staff is different than walking around seeing people doing whatever they're doing. You have no control over whether the people around you are topless or not. You are seeking out women that are topless when you go to the bar.
Good luck, OP – it sounds like you have a good handle on boundaries, and I hope that your husband pulls his head out of his ass.
If I was talking to someone and they just stopped responding for 3+ days I wouldn’t talk to them anymore. That’s not the way I want to be treated for the rest of my life.
If I was in an exclusive relationship ( I’m not sure if y’all are exclusive but I’m assuming not because you didn’t mention it) and got ghosted and they didn’t have a very good reason then that would be a deal breaker.
You sound like a very nice person and I know the right guy is out there for you.
Those steps require a court order typically, and is something your attorney will help you negotiate.
I would: Get a therapist, leave them alone, never do something so inappropriate to your friends ever again.
You're a married adult with a baby. It's long past time you informed your dad your life is yours to live and not his to dictate.
It’s like Netflix canceling a show I was watching
OP, you're likely acting impulsive again. You made your decision and you should stick with it. You don't seem to be looking to go back for the right reasons. Maybe you can get back together with your ex but it won't be the same. You need a fresh start. Good luck to you
Yes I saw her tattoos and the background is the inside of her house in some pictures.
It sounds like she’s drained and exhausted from being the sole caretaker. She spends all her time taking care of the kids and doesn’t have the energy for more because you’re an absent father. I’m not saying you don’t do a lot for the family financially, but you are absent, that’s a fact. She’s suffering and you’re judging her. That is not okay.
Not sure all the details amd won't ask, but the circumstances involved sound like they may have involved abuse from her.
If so, feel free to join us over at r/abusiverelationships for some additional support. I mod the sub, and we get several posts a week (by my estimate) from men in abusive relationships. You'll likely find community there and maybe some helpful exit planning and safety strategies from other men and individuals of all genders.
This is insane. You strangled her. If you don’t like the drinking you can leave her. But you strangled her…and somehow you are the victim?
So you flat out admit you didn't read the post lol I specifically said I would never break up with him because I love him so much. You're a trashy idiot, bye ✌️
She is not a good friend. It’s ok to lose her. If I were you I would let it happen and see how much happier you are afterwards.
The truth is pretty good, especially here. She’s asexual. Ok. Knowing that, you’ve not developed romantic feelings. The physicality you share without romantic feelings attached isn’t right for you. You can be honest here, and it’s as good as a breakup gets.
You're a cheater. You deserve no guys.
I think it’s harmless. It’s hard to ignore feet when they’re right there.
My fiancé is 35 and always loves to hear my voice before he falls asleep. I could be singing or talking about how good a ham sandwich would taste right now and my fiancé would fall fast asleep with whatever.
No one should judge the privacy of your intimacy. Momma sounds boring as hell as I already know my own mother would think it’s adorable if I told my mom I do what I do for my fiancé.
OP’s mom is the vanilla of all ice cream flavors.
Sorry. This sucks. But the decision is made. If you want to stay in touch with this woman, it's going to be only as friends. Don't try to change her mind.
Correlation does not equal causation (who's to say they don't end in divorce more often because of insecure men, for instance?). If you can't handle being with a woman who makes more than you, then don't. But needing to “show dominance to the female” or “deflate their ego” is misogynist horseshit.
I feel sad for your wife. It sounds like you had her for happy years and would leave her in sad years. It will be more difficult for her to find companionship now (as it is for all women as we get older, even without chronic health issues and the depression that can come along with that). You shouldn’t have married her in the first place.
A lot of people are not ready to have a baby financially. Don’t come to Reddit for advice like this. Reddit is very dark. Reddit has never given me good advice and I’ve tried multiple times over years and years
No
Don't apologize. You did nothing wrong.
Especially considering this:
she’s a bartender and has claimed many times that she’s had to “flirt with men to get tips” cause it’s part of her job.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Is his birthday a big deal to him? If not he may never remember but it's not a sign he doesn't care. If he wants to go all out for his birthday acting like a king and wants a huge celebration then there's a major problem. As pathetic as it sounds you need to hype up your birthday a month to Three weeks in advance. Discuss places you want to eat, who you want there, how weird being older will feel. Make it clear to him when and how big of a deal it is with you. Writing it on one calendar or hoping he added it into his isn't cutting it.
That'd be a deal-breaker for me
It's not abuse, it's him being a jerk.
No Reddit, I don’t want to ask HER I’m asking YOU!
Yea, you just keep deciding how she feels without her input. You want to martyr yourself, be a victim, and make her the bad guy without considering that you're wrong. As many people have said, she may not be in love with her ex. But you don't want to hear that. You just want to be right.
That may be a bit extreme but the only other option would be to accept being excluded which would continue bothering me
Did I do the right thing by telling him? Or should I have kept it to myself?
Even though you did it for the wrong reason (to relieve your own discomfort/guilt), you've gifted him with critically-relevant info he needs to decide his future. Hopefully it's without selfish, faithless, dead-weight trash like you.
There just isn’t anything you can do or say. She wants to have contact with her father again.
You don’t want to have that man involved in your lives,but that’s not happening.
The best thing you can do for your son, is to just divorce and co-parent as effective as you can.
It kinda feels like she was hoping you’d let it slide now that you guys had a kid together and she could use the new baby as a reason to get everyone together again. Now that she sees it isn’t working. She’ll probably start holding resentment towards you.
I see the misunderstanding. I meant 'this is your answer' but I was too brief. it does look like when someone posts a great reply and you want to say 'this' meaning that you agree, but that's not what was meant. Thank you for pointing out the ambiguity which I had not considered. I'll edit my reply.
Learn to spell.
A pet is more work; she needs to have friends and a hobby of her own.
I think the experiment more line is always bullshit. They wouldn't be saying it they thought current partner was good. They just don't want to say that directly because it is asshole thing to say.
Why are you fidgeting with her coat instead of your own?
Thats not what she said at all but good for you for that hurtful misconstrued POV
Leave this relationship, you deserve better. Could you imagine if this carried over with her hormones after children? Regardless, you deserve better.
Never could get it up on ol mdma
Never could get it up on ol mdma
Loose lips sink ships brother. Keep your secret. I am a 62 year old woman telling you this.
You've had nine months to get to know him. I assure you there are other single men in your age group. Time to move on.
His debt is on him. If he is looking at you, who already pays more, to suffer a bit so that he can use your money to pay his shit… it's him that needs debt help, not you. He can show his and ask for help as to where he can reduce costs. it is NOT on you to go without and pay his debts – not when you guys have split money this way.
The current arrangement works fine except that 1. he should be paying more, and 2. he needs to see where HIS spending is off so that he can pay down his debt. Perhaps debt consolidation.
I'm sorry that this happened to you- 15 years back and when you opened op to your partner. He had no empathy. He made it more about him like why didn't you told ME before? Didn't you trust ME? He blamed you for telling him not sooner instead to concentrate on the important part: support! You were SAd! And it must be so hard for you because you couldn't tell everyone for 25 fucking years. There are so many reactions and he choosed bad.
Normally i would say you should go to couple counseling, but then you must talk about your past again and that would be awful. Maybe ask your therapist if he can come to one or two season with you. So he can hear about how much he hurt you with his reaction and what you actually need.
Thanks! It's comforting to know that it worked for someone else.