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Date: October 13, 2022
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YOU feel guilty? Dude. She cheated on you and refuses to break contact with her fling, and does not even respect you enough to be sorry for her actions. Give YOURSELF the Christmas present of not being stuck with a dirty cheater any longer. Break it off already.
Goddamn. Those are absolutely brilliant demands, and I am so impressed with your clarity on what you need from him.
I'm horrified by your parents taking his side, and for me, an apology wouldn't heal the hurt.
I hope your baby is born healthy and perfect, and I hope that whatever happens next, you are happy and at peace.
Understand that family to him isn't the same as family to you.
You could see yourself putting a SO over family to be together, or telling your family that it's your life and you'll marry who you want, they need to get on board. You can see yourself choosing him even if your family doesn't get on board.
He's from a different culture, family means something different. I'm not a Muslim, I'm Indian. I have a bunch of Muslim friends and this aspect of the culture is kinda common to everyone “traditional” in the region anyway. Family means more or means something different in this culture, its really really rare for anyone to cut off family completely for a SO, unless the family does something horrible or something. And since they're quite religious and he's made it clear they won't budge on this, he would have to completely tear himself away from his family to be with you. Trust me that's never going to happen. It's just not happening, he will never do it.
I think it's safe to say that you've been raised to feel like when two people get married, they form an independent family unit. Your SO is the priority and blood relatives become secondary. In cultures like his, when they're traditional, getting married means the SO becomes a part of the respective family unit, and both families become linked. The priority is always the family as a whole.
Yeah people push a bit, but they never go completely against everything the family stands for. And you're completely against everything they stand for. You're not Muslim. That's it, that's the end, no negotiation, it's simply not a possibility.
Stop wasting her time. That’s your advice.
Absolutely. Don’t let this pathetic, flighty mummy’s boy treat you like a sex object – to be taken out and used and then thrown back in the drawer at his convenience!
Text him that he’s a pig and should fuck off. Then block him on everything, and get out there and show the world what a catch you are!
I don’t mean you need a new bf right away… just that you can meet people and be happy because you’re so far above that scumbag that you’re floating.
You are insecure…without solving this you won't accept that someone watch porn and that it doesn't have anything to do with you. Did you try to watch yourself? There are so many different kinds maybe you like it and you will know that it's not cheating or about your partner.
Well the attack was 2 months ago n we had sex last 2 weeks before the attack. None at all since.
Chin up, kiddo. It wasn't for nothing. He now knows you're interested and you now know you have what it takes to approach a man you're interested in. Things are still looking up!
You're being repeatedly belittled and assaulted. Get out of there
There's some really interesting comments on sites like Quora from pwASPD.
Someone discussed how they (OP was female) don't have the same capacity to love their children emotionally due to their condition, but ensure their children have the tools to function and thrive in the world as they understand. It was really cool how they discussed boundaries and education from their perspective.
Being diagnosed with ASPD (or any other diagnosis) doesn't equate to being a villain, or not having the capacity to be in relationships. It does mean there can be more risk involved in maladaptive behaviour.
Participating in relationships with people who experience the world in a fundamentally different way does mean it will be more work.
I do agree that limited empathy is a diagnosable criteria, and it's easy for us to assume we understand someone else's intentions. Authentic motivations aren't always clear, regardless of who the person is or what they may or may not be diagnosed with.
We also don't know the reasons behind OP's partner being diagnosed. A lot of people are forced to be diagnosed due to maladaptive behaviour, but that's not always an accurate narrative. It can be hard to access some forms of treatments without a proper diagnosis, especially if insurance is involved.
Also, everyone is manipulative. This is a word that has a negative connotation attached to it for no real reason. If I want to look professional, I manipulate the situation by upgrading my clothes, hair, car, etc. If I want people to like me, I'm going to smile, engage in non-controversial small talk, maintain eye contact (or look at their eyebrows if I'm anxious), and make it a point to remember small details about them. This is me, someone without ASPD, manipulating situations to have a desired outcome. Regardless of who you are interacting with, there is always an agenda and manipulation being applied whether it's conscious or not.
There are always risks involved in relationships, but there's also rewards involved. If OP and her partner are healthy, participate in therapy, and deal with things maturely – including OP Partner's symptoms, that could be a rewarding relationship.
I also would be quite hurt if my pregnant partner's mother told my partner to get an abortion and leave me because of a condition I was diagnosed with. That is extremely stigmatizing, and would lead me to believe this isn't something future-MIL and I can work through. Having a lack of empathy doesn't equate to having a lack of feelings, especially when feeling attacked. Our fear response is in our amygdala, and I assume that would be a powerful trigger for anyone.
I would recommend that OP and her Partner make a required boundary of working with a qualified mental health practitioner that specializes in ASPD if they choose to continue their relationship. It would benefit their relationship and co-parenting skills. Having boundaries, open communication, and measurable goals would be my solution if I were in this position and decided to stay.
Agreed 10 whole years a freaking decade and he’s going to magically change. Yeah sure. The wife has better chance at life just divorcing.
How he describes it a matter of respect rather than his own insecurities
This is a lie. It is 100% about his fragile ego.
I can never go out without having to check with him to see if my outfit is okay first
This needs to stop immediately. No one gets to tell you what you can and can't wear. No one. Yesterday should be the last day you put up with this.