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Date: December 31, 2022
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People have told you you’re stupid before, right?
He seems like an ass. He could have just said we have no chemistry. I also hate that term wife material. Relationship material- responsible, kind, respectful of boundaries, reliable, communicative. These are platonic and romantic relationship material.
Love in the now or live for the unknowable future? Sounds like gambling to me.
Good that you’re trying out living together and finding these issues now vs after being married.
Before you moved in, did she know you hung out with Eli this much? Like is this a surprise to her or did she have some weird “let’s play house” idea that once you live together, you have to give up all of your hobbies, friends, and interests? Did you guys discuss having guests and such?
That she’s calling you selfish or just getting her way is not very healthy. I’m sure you realize that. She’s manipulating you and being unreasonable.
I dunno. Every couple is different.
Yes, even when you’re paying half or more, when you move into someone else’s place it can be quite an adjustment and feel like the other person gets to call the shots for their territory. And yes, when you live together, there’s an expectation that you’ll spend more than just sleep time together more days a week.
The fact that she doesn’t really have hobbies or do anything with friends probably should have been a ?for you previously but now it’s very evident that she doesn’t and by golly doesn’t want you to either. To me, that’s a fundamental incompatibility.
All that said….
1) I (44F) am not comfortable when my partner informs me last minute that he has company dropping by. Yep, it’s literally his house and he can do as he wishes. But I live here too (and pay larger share of bills as I make more) and at the end of the work day, I’m not always in the mood for company. I want to put on PJs and relax and not worry about how the house looks or feel like I need to play hostess and make food or whatever. That was something we discussed before I moved in because it was common for him to have a buddy or two just drop by whenever. Now he plans for the most part so I have a day of notice. Sometimes that’s not possible and I roll with it. Perhaps planning more in advance would be a compromise? Like have a friend over once a week not multiple times and plan a day in advance at least? And maybe go meet at Eli’s or out somewhere other than the apt?
2) I think it’s healthy and reasonable for people to maintain their friendships and hobbies and such. I have my stuff. My partner has his. In my ideal world though, I’d spend 5-6 days a week doing my hobby (horses). But I don’t because he’s my partner and we live together. So I go a few days instead of every day so I’m not leaving him home alone every night for hours. So maybe you cut back a little but not altogether? 2 days a week with your buddy seems like enough. ?♀️
3) you asked for ideas about compromise and I’ve given you what I can. But the thing is, it doesn’t sound like she wants yo compromise so much as dictate how you spend your time. And if it’s not to her liking, you’re some how selfish. That’s not cool. But I’ve seen a lot of women do this where they basically try to take over all of their partner’time and dictate who and when they can hang out.
Talk about it more when there’s nothing actually going on. Try to come to an agreement. But realize that people who are really codependent or possessive likely aren’t going to compromise. They dictate. So it may not be something you two can overcome.
I'd recommend reading Lundy Bancroft's “Why Does He Do That?” He's a psychologist who specializes in group therapy for men who are abusive. It's a very low success rate, and he's still one of the best at doing it. I don't have it on hand but he provides plenty of sources, studies and statistics throughout the book to show that the outcomes for this kind of change are…pretty bleak. He also goes on to highlight what traits are common in abusers who do successfully change.
I don't think it's impossible for abusers to change, but we haven't yet discovered the mix of therapeutic approaches and medications that make it happen with a high success rate.
For starters, it's not her job to sexually satisfy you. She is a partner, a companion, and a friend, not someone to get you off. Just because you do the same for her doesn't mean she has to do it for you. Second, you knew going into this marriage that she had a low sex drive. Don't hold it against her. Third, as a woman, it was exhausting to give my ex a handjob because my arm got tired.
I mean look at it this way. She's certainly not making you feel better about your dad's death, seems like she is actually making it worse. There was plenty of room for her to be incredibly sad about the bird while not being a total *****. So it really is reducing your number of problems and lessening the intensity of crises. If you kicked her to the curb a few months ago, you'd at least be able to sleep. Wow this made me really mad for you!
Dump him and move out
I feel attacked……..
You're not compatible. And he sounds like the second that he thinks he can trap you with a baby, he will. I'd run, not walk, away from this relationship.
I.wasnt complaining about the time frame it takes …but if it takes years I would need to get a life and move forward with mybwon life correct ? I was asking in the meantime if it takes years what should I do ?
Honestly should do the trick.
Sweetheart, soil is scientifically proven to help with depression. Please don't shame yourself for doing something that makes you feel good. It's not silly, it's something you should be incredibly proud of taking the time to do for yourself.
Disagreed
This is definitely weird AF!
It’s one thing if you two didn’t care about following each other online.
But that’s not the case here.
It’s a big red flag cause only defensive people who respond like her, they are hiding a part of who they really are from you on purpose.
Op, I bet you she is sh-t talking about you ad more on her page and doesn’t want you to see it!
Another fake post?
(4 other people, including his ex)
Full stop.
She doesn't care about your well-being, mate.
Let her go.
Have the divorce papers drawn up whole she's gone.
My SO has ADHD. he gets me off multiple times before he finishes. He makes it a point to get me off before he does because he says it feels better when we’re both feeling good. And during the few times I didn’t get off he asked me about what he did that made me not enjoy it or what he could do to make me enjoy it next time. Don’t get me wrong our sex life isn’t perfect but my not getting off is the exception not the norm. Your BF is playing you.
This is poisonous nonsense. Keep it off my feed.
Or. Maybe being held is what she considers cuddling. This is something you need to talk about. You have to tell her that you want to face her, that you want kisses and also want to be held.
Yes. I asked him directly more than once
The brain doesn't finish developing until around 25-26 years old. That is science based. There is zero reason a person 10+ years older would ever need to date a person whose brain is still forming.
You can either go through it now with a cat and an apartment or 5 years from now with potentially a kid and who knows what else.
God complex… ? Both.
Just don't go