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Date: October 8, 2022
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If you noticed red flags ? before, and you are noticing them again: your “Spidey-sense” is trying to tell you something ?. Don't ignore it. I would investigate.
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It has nothing to do with gender. Stop using words without knowing what they mean. I think its the same for men too. I could have at least 20 sexual partner in my life but I wasn’t that easy to get. I only had 3 sexual partners because sex is not supposed to be something what you get in hours, it has something to do with soul connection and find a person attractive not only physical!!! You can’t find a person in 4 hours attractive
“Sending messages is a great point to draw the line” I agree with you.
Ask yourself this, would she attack her boss or a police officer or her parents or friends like that if she was frustrated? If yes, then she has severe problems with self control that would make sharing a life with her extreme hard, as she could struggle to stay employed and out of jail or even maintain friends. If no, then she has control but she thinks it’s okay to abuse you.either option is NOT someone you want to share a life with.
First off, bro code doesn't exist. It is a term derived from teenage boy locker rooms. Secondly, I can't help who I fall in love with. Thirdly, why would you assume that I was only using my friendship with him to get with his sister? He's been my friend for like 10 years before this dude.
you are expecting way more than anyone your age should be from a partner, in this issue.
No, a generic statement isn't a red flag.
Update!!!!
your husband is a rapist, and he is raping you
I think your right she’s extremely stressed out and panicking, it’s not fair to guilt trip you tho because from what I see looking in from the out side your making a tremendous effort to please her and also to protect her, maybe it’s because you are from another country, but I could only dream of any man here in America thinking and acting with such consideration for my feelings and our well being as a family….. perhaps I’m only seeing one side, but I feel like she is being petty and abusive to you in reality
How will things change?
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Who talks to their ex after a breakup and just gives it up like that in less than a week?
Young people so gullible man.
If you take any advice from this post, take this one: Dont be so easy. No respectable man likes an easy girl.
I would advise reading the edits, as they're both about her life. A car they're buying together that she should naturally have some say in, and what she eats/says.
Convenient that they come around and say she is lying when she isn't around to defend herself anymore.
Coming from someone with NC with their entire family, respect her wishes. Block the family. If Rose becomes an adult who wants to contact them and find out their side, she can do that. That isn't your decision.
OP needs to check those kids are even his.
Yeah I think that’s valid advice. Ig maybe keeping it to myself would be best
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Took her 3 months to tell you she had been dating other guys while dating you. Gross she should have told you that in the first month
I'm trying to! But i can't keep it short if she keeps on prolonging things.
thank you that’s what i thought as well but didn’t know if others would maybe think it was strange so wanted to confirm before i spent the money!
20 is extremely young to get married. It’s completely normal for you to be anxious and scared of feeling stuck or losing your identity. Do you really want to marry a partner that you can’t bring these feelings up to? You should want to be with someone you can trust with your true feelings and emotions. I don’t think you should go along with the wedding, just because you can’t bring these feelings up with your partner. Also, I really don’t think that it’s a good sign for marriage that you’ve only been dating 14 months, yet have had extreme lows where you’ve almost broken up. The first year of a relationship should be fairly smooth sailing. Having fights where you’re nearly breaking up within the first year is not be a sign that you should be thinking about marriage. Also, from the things you say about your partner, he seems really controlling and there’s a lot of red flags with him, imo. You’re a lot younger and less experienced than him, you have to guard yourself from being roped into something that you don’t want. You’ve got good intuition recognizing your fears, but you have to honestly ask yourself why you feel these things. Is it something about him or the way he makes you feel that you’re picking up on? Or is it just cold feet? It sounds like you’ve got good reason to be worried about marrying this man.
Honestly it's a tough call
Usually, when friends date your ex's it's generally considered a D move, but here it was a very short relationship that never really got to the point where you could say it's was a fully grown one per say
In addition of that, your friend did ask you if you were okay with their relationship happening (even if they could have indeed done a better job at it) and you said that you were : They tried to make sure it would be right
In the end, i think that your reaction is understandable, but mostly unjustified. Of course noone have control over how they feel, but it's mostly a you issue here : If you need to take actions to feel at peace take them by all mean. It doesn't matter if your reasons are good or not, if you feel wrong you must do something about it that suits you (and is right to do)
But don't go after them and don't “attack” them (by that i mean blaming them asking them to break up etc), they really tried to make this easyer for you and wouldn't deserve this imo
Depends if you have any proof of the debt. Did he sign anything? Are there texts? You will need a Proof of Claim and fill out the associated form. I’m assuming the debt is also unsecured, which means it’s going to be a nightmare getting anything back/pretty much impossible, if he gets bankruptcy granted. Chances are it will even be impossible, if he doesn’t, because it sounds like he is up to his eyeballs in debt. You desperately need to retain a lawyer at this point and go through your options.
I will try to, thank you very much really, and no, alcohol is not involved bc we already had a problema with that, she once got drunk (at last she was with her family) and started talking non sense to me so i asked her if she was drunk, and she got all agresive about it, anyway at last she is not drinking now
Huh? Was she trying to make you jealous? Why didn't she think you were into the song? Maybe you need to have a discussion on what falls under cheating and disrespecting your relationship.
It almost seems like she was trying to start an argument. Would she be only with you walking away from her and just grabbing a woman to dance with? You definitely need to talk about feelings and respect.
Do either of you work?! Because how as adults working full-time jobs and living a normal life, do you have time to have sex 2 to 3 times a day!
I highly doubt he’s making 350k as a 30 year old software developer.
Why on earth would anyone put up with this nonsense?
What was his take on the situation? Why did he think it was appropriate to ask her to help prepare the meal?
I just read the rest, and he’s neglecting your children and he will fuck them up. The yelling and not taking responsibilities is setting an example to them on how to navigate their own emotions, they will only learn that yelling, denial and avoiding responsibility is the way to navigate such things. Trust me, I am that child, this is how I learnt to deal with my emotions and it took 3 years of therapy in my late 20‘s to unlearn this
I live that you’re finding excuses for a cheater and liar.
You live in a fantasy world.
This isn’t uncommon.
It took, my nieces growing up, and my father passing away for me to rewire my brain. Saw a therapist, and broke off a relationship that was toxic.
Hopefully he figures it out. Life is way too short to keep everything bottled up.
I didn’t express joy or pain. Ever. I was totally locked down.
Now I’m a big emotional boy haha. I love showing people I truly care about them and their gestures. And I tell everyone I love them as often as I can.
I think this is just a case of both of our opinions being skewed by our specific social circles lol but fr I was surprised how many people under 30 I’ve met that straight up don’t like “old” movies. Meaning literally made before like 95. It always shocked me cause I was born to parents in their 40s so I grew up with a lot of movies/shows from the 50s and 60s. I certainly know people who like and have seen older movies from the 2000s and before, but I’ve met way more that don’t watch them.
A no jerk off rule is doomed to failure. This is dumb.
Lying, talking to other girls – big red flags.
While not super common, more and more people are choosing not to cohabitate while in a committed relationship or marriage. Especially people who are older and have been there and done that and just want their own space.
My partner and I never planned to cohab. We were both married and divorced before we met and just like having our own space. Some circumstances changed a few years in so we do live together now but we were happy with our setup before too.
Logistically, being an hour apart and being that you don’t want to be in the city, it means she would be coming to you to visit. So…is that okay for her? It likely means that you only see each other a couple times a month. That doesn’t seem like enough to me but perhaps it does to you two?
As someone with PTSD myself, I can appreciate that being in a city can be more triggering. I much prefer living more out in the country where there’s no foot traffic past my house, no close neighbors, less noise, etc.
But it seems to me you two could/should come up with some kind of compromise else you’re not going to see each other much and the burden of travel will largely be on her. That doesn’t seem sustainable.
How you marry a person without having sex unless you’re both religious? So either this is a bs post or your husband might have intense trauma around sex, or might not be straight.
Goddamn!
Paying for porn is bad enough, but EIGHTEEN THOUSAND?!?!?
?
I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh at your misfortune but this guy is ridiculous.
And I'll tell you flat out ain't no fucking way he “just viewed vids and pics”. No fucking way. He was messaging left and right.
Eighteen thousand, goddamn ?
Mine actually has improved off of bc. Everyone is different.
He’d never go to the cops about it. He paid the money for “proof” the shit was “deleted” (lol).
Sorry man, but the brutal truth is that you don’t need to understand her reasoning. She wants a divorce and she can make that happen whether or not you agree or understand.
My advice would be to stop fighting it. Don’t chase after someone who is actively rejecting you. Look at yourself instead of her. When she’s at the gym, you should work on hobbies or other things that interest or excite you. Go to therapy. Find your own gym, take your frustrations out there.
Act confident, treat yourself kindly, act in ways you’ll be proud of, move on to your next life.
Cheaters cheat. She’s being unreasonable here because you’ve shown her that she can. And why are you avoiding bringing up her part mistakes? It’s a perfectly reasonable concern.
Love is action. You prioritize those actions over others and you show up. Your wife prioritizes the gym and her health over your marriage.
Since you have been together before adulthood, you’ve both changed and grown as people. We don’t always grow together and in this case, you’ve grown apart.
You can try counseling, if she’ll agree but, it’s sounds like she’s already moved on.
One thing I’ve always heard that made me appreciate less than desirable features (I have a more square face and a lot of freckles) is that our looks are a summary of our genetic history. It’s tracking our ancestors through the ages and showing a cumulative result. I think that’s really neat !! I wouldn’t want to change that—so much has happened spanning some 200k years to have resulted in us being who we are. We’re a testament to so much hard work.
Do it in person, preferably at her place. Tell her that the relationship is not working for you anymore, and you need to look for something else. Then leave.
Unfortunately you don’t fix this. He needs to get away from you and into therapy in order to begin to process this sexual trauma he experienced.
This is sweet. I’m very happy it ended this way. Maybe listen when your husband says talk later tho? ?
thyroid cults
???
Let's just say if my sister talked to one of my partners like this it would be a huge problem. How you joke around at home is different than how you joke around with other people. I hope your ex girlfriend finds someone who loves her
You haven't said anything to him about it yet. There must be some reason you feel like this normal, caring behaviour is controlling? Figure that out because you won't find a caring and understanding person like him just anywhere.
can they get a gun? can you get a gun? slef defence is self defence
The purpose of dating is to see if it’s a good fit. This isn’t a good fit.
Make your exit plan and be your authentic self. Having a couple of beers or partaking in pot doesn’t make you a bad guy.
Also? Consider gummies or edibles so you’re not hurting your lungs. I (44F) use gummies several nights a week to help my chronic pain and insomnia. It’s pretty awesome and was recommended by my doctor in fact.
Get therapy, you now seem sociopathic. You've just admitted that she's right, you're pressuring her to do something that you know may blow up your relationship for your thrill, and without consideration for long term effects this could gave on her. Show her your post here and let her make her decision about this relationship.
my opinion is you are trash for reading his private stuff
Ok I will get downvoted big time but this is poverty tourism. You don't do anything to help in one day. You are a nuisance to the kids. It makes me angry and this is part of the reason for usual gringos go home thing. And it's “who she is”. She was expecting the usual 'tgrow the whole man” advise! Also expected commendation from Reddit Let me laugh not to vomit. The incredible gall. The incredible way to appease guilty conscience. It's just in one word pathetic. Giving 20 dollars à month would be better.
I wonder what happened to, OP?no update
Stop getting involved in your sons sexual life.
He isn't obligated to tell you anything.
Yeah. “Just friends now”. Next thing you'll know, you'll find dick pics on her phone from him. And then when she says she is sick and can't go to your nephews bday, say ok and head out. But you wait up the street and watch her car drive by 20 minutes later. Then you follow her to a bar where's she's meeting “this friend”. Then you watch them leave in his car and head to his place. Of course she won't know you've witnessed all this. But she'll be home in a bathrobe and acting sick by the time you get home or saying she just needed a quick shower.
Anyway, that's my experience with an ex who had a guy friend that she used to sleep with but said it's now just her friendship. She had other guy friends who were cool but this one felt a bit different.
Not in anyway a dig, but maybe she could get a psych evaluation in case she has anxiety or something else
Could be the case as it doesn’t make sense that something outside of her control bothers her so much
You don't know it's not ADHD. People with ADHD are criticized all their lives for their neurodivergence such as impaired executive functioning and emotional reactivity. For some it rolls right off but for others they deeply internalize and agonize over everything because of that history of shame.
The sensitivity to disagreement you mentioned feels very similar to a phenomenon often associated with (not caused by) ADHD called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. RSD can lead to disproportionately severe reactions to perceived criticism e.g. “honey I'm putting this back into the sink as its still not clean just FYI” being interpreted as “You can't wash dishes right! You screw everything up and you're making my life miserable!”. It's not rational, but its very real and is often related to the history of shame and criticism I mentioned.
I'm not saying ADHD is to blame here. If it is involved then it's likely one of many interrelated factors. Regardless, it's not your job to regulate your husband's emotions it's his. If he won't take some accountability and recognize that 1) it is a problem, 2) it needs to be addressed for the sake of your marriage and 3) it's his responsibility (not fault) to address then there isn't much you can do. If you try and fix it for him it becomes a parent/child dynamic which is incredibly unhealthy and unsatisfying for everybody.
I hope you find a path forward, just don't rule ADHD out as it's much more complex than the hyperactive, scatter-brained way it's usually portrayed.
I am the longtime partner (and to varying degrees caretaker) of a woman who also has a series of hard to pin down and get concrete diagnoses for chronic conditions. What you describe is not as rare as you probably think. Go check out r/chronicpain if you'd like. Caretaker fatigue is a real and very tough thing to deal with.
Your biggest hurdles are almost all going to be related to money, and that's just the bitch of it. Money and timing getting things like doctor appointments done while getting as educated as possible together about this situation, because she needs to be on this even more than you, and while it's easy for other posters here to armchair diagnose anything under the sun, what you need is real answers and an action plan. What she needs is to realize that no one but her should be her own strongest advocate, with you being a close second. That is almost impossible until she makes the painful and often delayed effort to get up and move despite her conditions.
I completely understand how much this situation can suck, especially with how a person who you love can change due to being in constant pain. It is not easy to keep that smile up at all times. You are human, as is she.
What you need for yourself is an outlet, my friend. You will 100% not make it without one. Or two or three. Some stress valve that you can use to ease the pressure at regular intervals. Preferably at least one that is just yours and at least one that is for both of you.
I don't want to get too personal in public about this, which I imagine you can understand, but if you'd like you can dm me about this and I can share some bit of what I have learned from dealing with a fairly similar thing for about a decade now.
You’re going to have a long and unhappy dating life if you don’t change your thinking and acting. Attacking someone isn’t ok because you got mad. It’s not ok if it was a small attack—abuse is more than physical. Most women dream of a family man who keeps their promises. If you’re not going to apologize and change your ways, it’s best to break up.
You’ve practically moved in with him but he’s still dating. Move on and maybe slow down next time.
That always seems to be the case with these guys claiming that they are traditional and having real strong opinions about what makes a good wife.
He's not traditional he's just controlling and pissed she isn't devotion 100 % of her time to serving him.
I wasn't in your exact situation, but very similar. I was the one putting in all of the effort and keeping both of us afloat. I communicated clearly, I fought for several years to get couples' counseling, but nothing worked. That last straw came one day, and I realized that no matter how much time and effort I put in, no matter what I say or how I feel, this is who she is, and she will never change. So I made the decision to leave. And it was the best decision I could have ever made for both of us. I'm happier and living a much more fulfilled life. She's happier and from the consequence of losing me, she finally learned that she needs to step up her game and contribute in future relationships. There was no saving us. We had to sacrifice our relationship so that both of us could grow. I know that's not the situation you're wanting, but if you're still in individual therapy, it may be helpful to run through such a scenario, if only as a thought exercise.
BTW, I really do admire how committed you are to not divorcing. I hope you can find another way that we couldn't that helps you both grow together. Good luck to you.
How’s his career at the red flag factory going?! Dump him and get away immediately.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!