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Date: February 11, 2023
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It would drive me crazy, I'm firmly in the, the ex needs at stay in the past where they belong group. They dated for a reason and yes, they broke up for a reason, but because I love my partner and think he's nearly perfect, I would assume others would also think he's nearly perfect and she's regretting the breakup. Ex's are history and need to stay there. It's not about trust, I trust him, but I absolutely wouldn't trust her.
That's fair, edited comment to remove gendered language
Point still stands though, coming to reddit for healthy relationship advice is always rolling the dice
Not sure why you getting down voted. As a woman I would never be with a guy that didn't wanna go down on me, not missing out on this experience in my lifetime
Thank you. I agree I think a 3rd party wound be useful as I've been unsuccessful in communicating and feel resentful now. Hard to tell exactly from your post sorry, but if you're a male do you have a suggestion how to propose counselling without it being an ultimatum but letting him know it's highly important to me he engages meaningfully?
I hear how difficult this is for your family. I also hear that it is likely that the way your family views the world and others is part of your family cultural upbringing. No person is born a bully. It is learned behavior.
In the past, bullying was normalized in culture, like boys will be boys, type thing. In addition, it seems that the bullies I’ve personally been hurt by have all had older brothers. Those older brothers can be awful to younger brothers, and the younger ones emulate their big brothers. A parent that makes fun and ridicules people behind their backs, “others” them. Those people are not given respect or compassion. When a child is given license to “other”, by a parent, then they will automatically do so.
It is unconscious on the child’s part, because kids do not look critically at parents. It is part of the child’s survival instincts and unconditional love that they have for their parents.
So how to create transformation in your family dynamic? This is a big question, as this is long term cultural learning. It is going to take some change of culture and different experiences to turn the tide of previous learning.
To increase compassion in your children and husband, perhaps volunteer at a soup kitchen to serve the hungry?
For every time your child is unkind, ask them to do two things that are kind to a stranger?
Perhaps even get the whole family involved, and for every time one person does something unkind, then the whole family needs to do something positive?
I’m guessing that putting others first would be pretty hard to do, as it seems like the current culture is about service to self. I’m not even sure that you can force change, but there is a universal law of balance, and it is likely someone will teach your family a lesson if you are unable to do so yourselves.
Best of luck on your love adventure 😉